Sunday, July 18, 2010


What a weekend. It's been jam packed and I've hardly left the house.

My parents came by yesterday to finish weeding out the basement and a bit of the barn. The dog-stenched carpet finally left the basement, along with the plethora of bottles left behind by XH. I was amazed how many of those bottles still contained booze. No idea that I had that much liquor sitting in the basement! It's all gone now, except for the remaining two bottles of Valpolicella from H. I took special care to ensure they weren't swept away in the purge.

Last night S and N visited. We had raclette and spent almost six hours catching up. It was fun, but I was up far too late.

Today, my parents returned, along with my brother. My father and brother tended to all of the yard work and my mother worked on cleaning the dirt that the dogs embedded into the concrete beneath the carpet. I'm lucky to have such generous work-horses as family. I'm not sure where they get the ambition. I certainly didn't inherit it.

Tonight I am feeling so tired of being around people.

I told a friend who called last night that I'd call him back today, but with my family here, I never got to it. I'm finally to a point in the day where I could pick up the phone (both babies are passed out) but after 2200 seems a bit too late to call. Hopefully he understands. I always wonder what people without kids think when I fall through on a promise of this nature because I always put the babies first. I suppose if they don't understand, then there really isn't much room for them in my life, is there?

Lately I feel like I'm just automatically assuming that people don't understand my need to put the babies first, and am immediately writing them off as a result. It's probably not smart, but I seem to be in "push everyone away" mode. I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a hermit again. BG has refused a bottle of pumped milk the last two times I've left her, so now I'm hesitant to make plans that could take me away from the house for more than a couple of hours. That makes meeting someone for dinner or even a coffee difficult. But if you've never had kids, how can you possibly understand my need to be here for her? Maybe it's just a matter of XH and my mother being trigger happy with the bottle... trying to give it to her before she becomes too upset, when in reality she wasn't crying because she was actually hungry. I know her cues. I don't even know how I know, it's not something I consciously am aware of. She and I have a rhythm. Our bodies seem to work together. It's easier for me to be here for her than to try to give clear instructions to someone who isn't connected to her in the way that I am. But I can't bring myself to close the door on the dream of finding someone to fall in love with. I know she'll only be a baby once, and I have the rest of my life for love, but I can't let go or the loneliness will devour me.

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