I had a call from my friend in SJ tonight asking if he could come up. I said, "Well... long as you're not planning on trying anything." He told me that he thought he'd bring along "a bunch of booze" and we could drink together and see what happens. My response was, "And what about BG?" "Oh, are you still breastfeeding?" "Indeed." "Okay, well, I could come up and watch a movie with you and we'll see what happens." At this point I started laughing. A bit hysterically, I think. It all went downhill from there. This went on for another 30 minutes - complete with various angled guilt trips. And then a couple hours later, guess who calls me, with a whole lot of rum in his system, taking me for a trip down memory lane.
The funny thing about it all is that 10.5 years ago, I would have been ecstatic at his receiving his attention. I was too unsure of myself back then to say, "No, I'm not sleeping with you just for fun. I'm not able to do that at this point in my life." So I went ahead and did the friends with benefits thing. And ended up a bit wounded from it all. Because that's how it seems to go. But now, I am able to look out for myself and say no if I'm not comfortable with something. If I was interested, I'd now be able to ask him for the accompanying relationship, if that was what I wanted. I couldn't do that then.
I guess I have changed over the years (maturity?) Or at least I have in most cases. I can think of one situation where I'm that stupid 20 year old girl again. Perhaps someday I'll reflect back on this time and say, "Wow, I've come so far since then."
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