Saturday, November 20, 2010

Another clean slate

Okay, so as I had decided last week, all of my old posts have been moved over to the other blog. I would have preferred to have just moved the ones regarding H, but with almost 300 posts, it was too much to sort through. There's a good chance I'll end up moving them back over at some point, but for now, this seems more respectful.

I think we're still sort of working out what our friendship will be like. He calls pretty much daily, we text or MSN throughout the day as well. It's odd, since often friendships form naturally. In this case, we're working on building one. It's a bit difficult having him turn to me for advice on other women, etc. I try to do the same thing with him as I do with XH. In my mind there are two XHs. The "monster" from last fall/winter, and the XH that I know now - one of my best friends and the father of my children. So there's the H that I care about so much that it hurts, and the H that is my buddy. I'm trying to ignore the former and focus on the latter. Easier said than done sometimes.

I've had so many people say, "Move on." to me over the past couple of weeks. Yesterday I had a great conversation with a good friend on the issue. She told me that if I wasn't ready to move on, that I didn't have to. My mind was sort of in that place all ready. At this precise moment, I'm feeling a bit distant from the situation. If someone else came along, I'd be willing to meet them, and would be a slightly less likely to compare them to him. That being said, I'm still not going to run out and meet just anyone for the sake of meeting them. Too much effort to make those arrangements right now. I'm not feeling a lot of hope for H and I ever getting together though.

Not sure if I've mentioned previously, but I filled out the eHarmony application last Saturday night. I've made it through the "guided communication" with one guy, and I see a message from him waiting for my reply. I doubt it will go anywhere though. It feels like effort that I'm not really digging.

I'm supposed to be going over to H's at some point in the next while to check out his new place. I'm looking forward to being on his turf for the first time ever. It should provide an interesting glimpse into him.

Tomorrow night marks the one year anniversary of the night XH broke up with me. What a crazy year it's been... lies, first meetings, lies, love, lies, childbirth, lies, love, more lies, more first meetings, even more lies, a couple of reconciliations, more love, blah blah blah. I'm hoping that tomorrow night is the night I go over to H's, because as much as I love hanging out with XH, I'd prefer not to do it tomorrow night. It seems weird spending our "non-iversary" together. The good thing is that we currently have the relationship we envisioned the night we broke up. For a while it looked like it would never happen, but it has, and I am pleased with that.

On Tuesday I bought a cute dress for my Christmas party. A strapless red and black dress that is adorable on. I'm keeping the tags on it though in case H bails on me between now and then. Perhaps since it's obvious we're not in a relationship he'll stick around for more than four weeks this time. And if not, I'll take it back. I'm really not setting the expectation bar very high. It only leads to disappointment. Like I keep telling him, I've never expected anything more than friendship from him. But he's fallen short on even that more than once...

My appetite is finally returning. Now I need to be careful to not start overeating because that dress fits perfectly right now.

Breathe in. Breathe out. One day at a time.


Independent Chick said...

One day at a time is right. : ) And you know, it's very good you acknowlege the non-iversary. Was two years for me in September. And we too have a pretty decent relationship. Funny how things end up. Funny where that road takes us. Trust me though when I say that this time you have been single is the best time. Doesn't feel like it when you're living the BS but at the other end of it, when you sit back and look at all the shit that took place, you can smile because you made it out the other side so much stronger and sooooooo much wiser as to what you need. It really is a good feeling the end. You're doing great cuddles. Never forget that. XO

cuddles said...

Thanks, as always. I'll take your word on this being the best time. It could be much much worse, I know. Heck,it could be Nov. 22, 2009 instead of 2010. I'd never want to relive that day again. I shudder when I remember breaking the news to my family and friends. Not cool.

You're part of my inspiration. XO