I think we're still sort of working out what our friendship will be like. He calls pretty much daily, we text or MSN throughout the day as well. It's odd, since often friendships form naturally. In this case, we're working on building one. It's a bit difficult having him turn to me for advice on other women, etc. I try to do the same thing with him as I do with XH. In my mind there are two XHs. The "monster" from last fall/winter, and the XH that I know now - one of my best friends and the father of my children. So there's the H that I care about so much that it hurts, and the H that is my buddy. I'm trying to ignore the former and focus on the latter. Easier said than done sometimes.
I've had so many people say, "Move on." to me over the past couple of weeks. Yesterday I had a great conversation with a good friend on the issue. She told me that if I wasn't ready to move on, that I didn't have to. My mind was sort of in that place all ready. At this precise moment, I'm feeling a bit distant from the situation. If someone else came along, I'd be willing to meet them, and would be a slightly less likely to compare them to him. That being said, I'm still not going to run out and meet just anyone for the sake of meeting them. Too much effort to make those arrangements right now. I'm not feeling a lot of hope for H and I ever getting together though.
Not sure if I've mentioned previously, but I filled out the eHarmony application last Saturday night. I've made it through the "guided communication" with one guy, and I see a message from him waiting for my reply. I doubt it will go anywhere though. It feels like effort that I'm not really digging.
I'm supposed to be going over to H's at some point in the next while to check out his new place. I'm looking forward to being on his turf for the first time ever. It should provide an interesting glimpse into him.
Tomorrow night marks the one year anniversary of the night XH broke up with me. What a crazy year it's been... lies, first meetings, lies, love, lies, childbirth, lies, love, more lies, more first meetings, even more lies, a couple of reconciliations, more love, blah blah blah. I'm hoping that tomorrow night is the night I go over to H's, because as much as I love hanging out with XH, I'd prefer not to do it tomorrow night. It seems weird spending our "non-iversary" together. The good thing is that we currently have the relationship we envisioned the night we broke up. For a while it looked like it would never happen, but it has, and I am pleased with that.
On Tuesday I bought a cute dress for my Christmas party. A strapless red and black dress that is adorable on. I'm keeping the tags on it though in case H bails on me between now and then. Perhaps since it's obvious we're not in a relationship he'll stick around for more than four weeks this time. And if not, I'll take it back. I'm really not setting the expectation bar very high. It only leads to disappointment. Like I keep telling him, I've never expected anything more than friendship from him. But he's fallen short on even that more than once...
My appetite is finally returning. Now I need to be careful to not start overeating because that dress fits perfectly right now.
Breathe in. Breathe out. One day at a time.