Thursday afternoon I asked H if he had plans that night. He did, so I told him that I had one more question that I needed an honest answer to, but that I didn't want to discuss it over text, email, phone, etc. He said okay, and called yesterday as he was dropping off his kids so I invited him over. We chatted for a while and then he asked what it was that I wanted to know. I asked him what it is about me that makes me undateable.
He told me that he does not consider me to be undateable, and listed a string of things that makes me dateable. I'm attractive, intelligent, successful. He and I have chemistry, a bond, and something keeps drawing us together. On and on. He started at the beginning of the year, and went through the reasons why things hadn't worked out for us - primarily his stuff. I knew all these things already. Fast forward to now... he says that we've never had a chance to really explore our friendship. He also brought up the thing about the kids being so young and how he isn't keen on doing the diaper thing again. But to me, that just tells me that there's something missing for him. Maybe he doesn't know what it is. And he wouldn't rule out the possibility of dating me either, and said that he wasn't just saying that to string me along. He also said that in a year he might regret not pursuing me. I told him that if that happens, regardless of the situation, I'd like him to let me know, and he agreed to that. He told me that if he had a relationship with me that he wanted to do it for the right reasons. I asked what those were, and he said that he wanted to do it because of feelings and not convenience.
One thing that he did mention was that he had asked himself the same question last Tuesday evening when we were just sitting and talking after we had gone out to dinner... wondering why he wasn't dating me.
Pretty much everyone that I've shared this with is on a huge H hating spree right now and they're all telling me to move on and "good luck with the friendship." It's all becoming quite painful. People see things in such black and white, don't they? I think this is a huge grey area. I honestly believe that he does care about me. Perhaps not the way that he needs to care for me in order to have a relationship, but I don't believe that he wants to hurt me or is being malicious. Yes, he's been selfish and very inconsiderate at times. I also believe that he has changed a lot since I first met him. I can tell that he's trying to be a better person, and I see him taking steps to make it happen. And, of course, that just makes me love him even more.
He's going to my Christmas party with me as long as he isn't away for work that weekend... and as long as he doesn't drop out of my life between now and then I guess. I also told him that I'd be willing to make plans for new years now that he's still around, so he said that it would be fun to go out. Again, if he's still around, I think it would be a blast. We even tossed around the possibility of a trip in March... we'll see what happens. It's kind of far away, considering the fact he usually only sticks around for four weeks at a time (based on past experience.) I'm not fooling myself here, just trying to be positive.
So anyway, our chat could have been much much worse. I do very much still want to be friends with him. And I don't want my feelings to wreck that possibility. Some would say I should take a step back and attempt to resume the friendship once I've moved on, but I'm not willing/able to do that.
I'm meeting someone else tomorrow - the guy I had been chatting with before H made his reappearance. I really am not holding out high hopes, but it will be good for me to do this, I think. I also signed up for eHarmony on Saturday night. I had to lie and say I was divorced so they'd take my money. But again, it's me trying to take control of a situation that I have little control over. And maybe a bit of a distraction.