My question was, "What is it about me that makes me not date-able?"
It was kind of an on the fence answer. Better than a no-way-in-hell answer. I feel better now. Not perfect, but better. I guess I still feel like there may be some potential there.
He said a lot. He said that he even asked himself the same question Tuesday night, even before things turned physical. He went through the various points where we've been "together", and why things didn't work out then (I wasn't accused of anything - he accepted responsibility.) Told me that he's physically attracted to me, that we have the chemistry, that I'm attractive, intelligent, etc. He also recognizes that there is something that keeps drawing us together. Part of the reason is that I have small children. I don't fault him for it - he's past that stage with his children. Another part of the reason is that he wants to actually pursue the friendship with me. It's never actually had a chance with all of the other happenings. (And it's true, it hasn't.) He told me that perhaps in a year he will regret not pursuing me. And that he's not saying that there isn't a possibility. He also said that he wasn't trying to string me along. (Glad he acknowledged that.)
A few minutes ago I snagged him on MSN because I needed to add something to the conversation. In regards to the potential for regret on his part, I asked him to let me know if at some point in the future he realizes that he does have regret for not pursuing me, regardless of the circumstances. I don't want him to not tell me because I'm with someone else, and it would be inappropriate for him to do so... Maybe I'll be at a place where him telling me that would make me say, "Sucks to be you." Or maybe I'd throw caution to the wind and run to him. Either way, I think people should let the people they care about know how they feel... If you don't say something, the potential for something beautiful is never realized. It's all about the risk, right?
I can't predict the future, and there's no way to know if it will even happen.
He told me on MSN that if he pursued me, he wanted it to be for the right reasons. I asked what those reasons were. He told me that I knew them. I said that I didn't. (I'm done assuming.) After a bit of banter, he told me that he wants to date me because of feelings and not because of convenience. Fair enough. And preferable, really.
So... where does this leave me? Still hopelessly in love with the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. But I'm going to try my best to not sit around and wait for him because I don't want to waste my life away doing that. (here come the tears.) I'm meeting someone on Tuesday that I had been talking with prior to H's reappearance in my life. And I'm going to continue being H's friend. Tonight I feel good about things. By tomorrow I might be sad again.
I feel that out of respect to him and our friendship, I should take down all of the blog posts concerning him... but that would be a pain in the ass to sort through. So I'm thinking I'll just move everything back over to the other blog again, so it can remain intact. (I'm sure XH is breathing a sigh of relief at that too. ha.) I'll take a few days to decide. Like most of the people in my life, H doesn't realize this blog exists. And although I haven't identified him or shared any details of his story, I don't think he'd be happy with me for publicly sharing anything about him. And the handful of people who are close to me that do read this blog DO know who he is... it just doesn't seem fair to him.
Isn't it strange how one person call fall so hard for another and the other person doesn't feel the same way. But then, previously, I never did have his entire focus... he seems different now. More centered, more balanced. Perhaps his feelings *will* change over time. (That pesky hope won't go away.)
He did agree to go to my work Christmas party with me. Yay! (Well, there's the potential for a work trip at the same time, so it may not work out, but if he's here, he's going!) and I told him that I'd be happy to make plans for new years, and he said he's game. Plus I still have to take him out for dinner since he won the bet about whether he'd still be talking to me three days after last Tuesday night. We've already done so many things together over the past ten months that we're always taking little trips down memory lane, laughing about stuff that has happened to us (picture an old lady at a fundraising event telling us that three-week-old BG looks *just* like him. hahaha), so it will be fun to add some more memories over the holidays. :) Oh, and he told me he'd be willing to go south with me for a few days before I go back to work in March. Now, chances are, that won't happen... I'm not going to fool myself. Who knows what will happen between now and then. But I think I'll get my passport just in case.
We've both had a crazy year that has changed each of us... I feel like we're both coming out of it as better people.
I'll leave this up for a few days so everyone can get the conclusion. ;o) Thanks for sticking with me, gang.