Here again

I'm a complete wreck. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My stomach is in knots.

I came to the conclusion today that I'm the cause of this grief. I need to face this head on. So I decided that I'd have him over to ask once and for all why he won't consider a relationship with me when (to me) we seem so good together when we are together. I was going to wait until a few more days had passed, see how things were the next time we saw each other, etc. Basically, I was putting it off. I texted this afternoon to ask if he had plans tonight and he said yes. So now I'm even more worked up because I'm assuming he's out with another woman - what if it's his ex and they get together again? What if it's someone else that he ends up being interested in? Since he didn't tell me what his plans were, I'm quite certain it is a date. The times when he's with another woman are usually the only times he doesn't share what he's up to. I feel like I've gone back in time... this pain is so familiar.

I asked him to let me know when he has a free evening... and told him that I have one more question that I need an honest answer for, and I don't want to discuss it via text, email, MSN, etc. I'm better with the words that way, yes, but I need to actually be able to see his reaction when I ask the question. I don't want him to have time to think about it and give me a line. I want the truth.

I suspect that the truth will sting. But then the dreamy side of me imagines him saying that he thought I wouldn't be interested in that after so much deceit on his part, and that of course he'd be willing to try, that he was afraid I'd say no if he had asked. I suppose it's good that I haven't completely given up hope.

I keep wondering if I'd be in this present state if I hadn't invited him in the other night. If we had just said goodnight after dinner. But really, it doesn't matter since I have no regrets because those extra five hours with him were amazing. The whole evening was. Good gawd, I just realized that we spent eight hours together that night.

When I went to bed at 4am yesterday morning, I was feeling really good about things. As yesterday went on, I started feeling the anxiety. But then last night we were texting throughout the evening, so I was feeling a bit better again. Today though, even though we've texted/MSNed on and off throughout the day, I'm a bloody wreck. And that is why I need to ask the question. At least if I ask the question and he gives me a reason why he's not interested like that, I can then find out how he imagines our friendship proceeding and decide whether that's something I'm okay with.

I don't think I've ever been so hopelessly in love with someone before... To the degree that all reason is cast aside and all that matters are my feelings.

I just want a chance to try to build real relationship with him. Maybe it won't work. Maybe he really isn't everything that I've built him up to be. Maybe I'd be the one to end it after I got it. I don't know. Or maybe he'd end up smashing my heart to smithereens. But for the chance to be with him and for the chance that it might actually be something beautiful, it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

Update... I just had a phone call from him, wanting to reassure me that he hadn't run off on me again. I also got an explanation on what he had been doing tonight. I was right, but it was just a female friend rather than what I was worried about. I feel a bit better right now. It might be a good time to try to get a bit of sleep.