Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday night ramblings

As is always the case these days, I can't seem to find the time to do everything I want to do. Thought I'd set aside a bit of time this evening to catch up here a bit. This past year has been such a blur - I'd like to do a better job of keeping at least this spot updated so that I have something to remind myself of everything that has happened/is happening. Otherwise, I'm likely to think back and wonder, "What exactly was I doing with the time?!"

  • Baby Girl is exclusively crawling now. She'll be 10 months in three days. Today she let go of me and stood in the living room for at least three seconds (it felt like an eternity) before beginning to lose her balance. She has also been cruising around a bit over the past week or two to get to whatever tickles her fancy.
  • Baby Boy has been amazing me on a daily basis. I bought a book on baby sign language for BG at Christmas. It also came with several flash cards. In the past few days BB has learned the majority of the signs on the cards and is anxious to learn more. The other day, he and I recorded a little video to send to his father of him showing off his new signing abilities. We watched the video before sending it and he started talking to the image of himself on the screen and telling him that he was doing it wrong, and demonstrating how to do the signs correctly. Sure enough, after seeing himself not quite doing the signs the same way he was shown, he improved his technique. I'm not confident that I'm showing him the signs correctly, but I'm sure it's irrelevant. What matters is that he's learning and building his confidence.
  • BG has really embraced solid food since Christmas. She eats pretty much everything I put in front of her. Tonight she devoured almost half of an avocado. She also loves egg yolk and cottage cheese. Yesterday we had turkey dinner at mom and dad's. She enjoyed broccoli, squash, potatoes, and turkey. Then she inhaled some cottage cheese. Oh, and water. She loves her water. Just a month ago I was beginning to wonder how I was ever going to wean her during the day so I could return to work. Now it seems like she'd happily give up nursing during the day if I pushed it (which I obviously am not.)
  • BB's vocabulary is increasing on a daily basis. It's so great to be able to have real conversations with him now. For the most part I can understand what it is that he's trying to communicate to me, and when I can't, he usually manages to find a way to explain what it is that he's attempting to say.
  • BB is learning about time. Anything that has already happened is classified as yesterday- it could mean this morning, or two months ago. And he often tells me that something that will happen in the future will happen in "two naps". His understanding of the concept of time coincides with an upset he had one Friday night at bedtime when I took him to his father's for the weekend. Two weeks later when he went to bed there, he was able to explain to me what would happen over the weekend, and concluded by telling me that after all that was done, he'd come back to "Mommy's house". And ever since then he's been fine. I think that weekend with the breakdown he understood that it was going to be a period of time before he saw me again, but had no idea how long it would be. All it took was a couple of weeks for him to wrap his head around the concept.
  • Bachelor D and I had (what I thought was) a great second date. I completely blew at pool (really, I do recall at least getting some balls in the pockets the last time I played... several years ago) but still had fun. We planned to get together again last week to watch a movie and just spend some quiet time together without all the interruptions of waiters and loud music. The thing that seemed odd was that he emailed early in the morning last Sunday morning to suggest Wednesday night. I replied during the day to say yes, Wednesday worked well, and suggested a time and asked a question or two. Wednesday rolled around, and I still hadn't heard from him. I knew that he was supposed to be out of town for work, but I had noticed him in the pond, so he obviously had Internet access while he was away. Around noon on Wednesday, I sent him a quick email just to confirm that he was still planning on getting together. I heard back from him around 17:00 saying that he was sorry but was stuck in Moncton due to the storm. Later that evening once the chaos of the day was over, I sent him an email telling him that I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from him prior to my follow-up email confirming our plans. I wasn't sure whether I should say anything to him about it, but as H pointed out, I should acknowledge my feelings and not just brush them under the rug. Far to often I smile and say, "That's okay, don't worry about it." when I'm bothered by something. So I took the risk and sent it. He replied back the next day with the nicest email telling me that he had a busy week but should have been more considerate and called me at some point. He said he'd call later that afternoon. However, I had an ortho appointment so I suggested he call later in the evening. We exchanged another couple of quick emails after that... by the end of all the email exchanges I was feeling really good about him, and definitely wanted to see him sooner rather than later. But he didn't call and I haven't heard from him since Thursday. H thinks he's hiding something. I don't know what to think. What I do know is that his actions and his words aren't matching. Anyway, my plan had been to just wait and see if he contacted me again. But aside from this most recent lack of communication, I really do like the guy. I'm seriously attracted to him, he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, seems kind, family oriented, etc. Today I caved though. It's so rare for me to be seriously interested in someone like this - I can't just give up that easily. But I was worried I'd seem crazy for sending him another message... XH confirmed for me that no, it would be okay to do that. So I went ahead and did it. Still no word back, but it's only been a few hours.
  • I can't bring myself to continue looking for someone else. I want a definite end to this before I really start searching again. And even then, I'm not sure if I will right away. I'm feeling emotionally exhausted right now. I need to focus on the kids, the house, the things I want to accomplish but never have the time to, work, etc. Easier said than done though.
All the other
  • Why do I worry that I'll seem crazy? Because of H. He's said enough things this past year that make me sound like a stalker (which, for the record, I'm totally not.) Considering what he's been through, having him be semi-serious or even joke about that drives me effing nuts and hurts my feelings. And yes, I recently told him this. Anyway, tonight when I was telling him about emailing Bachelor D, he told me that I wasn't crazy. I explained that I worry that I'll seem crazy and that I've been told it often enough over the past year that it's made me paranoid. "Who said that to you?" "Gee, I wonder, H!" I don't think he was impressed, and he let me go shortly after.
  • XH picked up a huge order of meat for me from the market today. This should keep us going for a while. I really dislike relying on other people for this sort of thing. I'm tired of feeling like a burden to everyone. It's funny, the people who were lining up to help me out when XH and I broke up disappeared pretty fast. My mother is one of the few still around, and it feels like she's burning out too... I usually only have her here for part of one day a week, and it's normally because I have an appointment of some sort to go to (orthodontist, lawyer, doctor's appointment with one of the kids, etc.) It's not like I'm going out and having a bunch of me-time or anything. Anyway, all this is to say that I find it kind of funny - the one person I didn't think I'd be able to rely on for anything is the one person who happily helps me out - stays with kids so I can go on occasional dates, picks up things from town for me, brings in wood, etc. It was almost a year ago that he told me that he couldn't do anything to help me and that I would have to handle things on my own... and now he's one of my best friends again. Crazy how life works out sometimes.
  • I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm attributing it to the time of year. A couple days last week I spent most of the day crying. I seem to have pulled it together again though. I've noticed myself feeling shaky inside again today though. At one point week I ended up bawling on the phone while talking to H. He knew I had been sad the night before so he called first thing the next morning to check in on me. Sadly though, talking to him about it only seemed to make me sadder. He was trying to tell me that I need to get out and do something for myself. He doesn't seem to get that it's not a matter of me not wanting to get out. There are a lot more factors involved than just that. Sometimes he reminds me of my mother and just wants to try to solve all of my problems without thinking of the other factors involved. Anyway, all of the sadness is primarily self-pity. I just need to suck it up. Focus on all the good and keep plowing ahead.
  • Ugh. I intended to sign off at this point. I need to go to bed. But I happened to click on my FB tab and a name jumped out at me. A childhood friend just added this person as a friend. I haven't seen him in years, and hopefully will never see him again. I creeped a bit and feel nauseous now. Never thought I'd have to see that face again... *shudder* I wouldn't have recognized him if I saw him out, but his eyes are the same. The past always comes back to haunt you with FB, doesn't it?
*I should proof this, but I'm not. Maybe later.

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