Sunday, February 6, 2011


I've always kept my identity on my blog and Twitter private. Sure, a handful of people have known all along who I am, but for the most part, people don't have a face or a name for me other than the eye that is currently my profile pic, and the name "cuddles".

Recently though, as I've been getting to know, and becoming friends (both in real-life and online with the potential/intention to meet in real life) with people I'm meeting through these two social media outlets, more and more people are finding out who I am. It has gotten to the point that recently I've been questioning whether it's even worth continuing to blog and tweet anonymously.

My blog, and now my twitter feed as well, is a peek into what's really going on inside of my head. Facebook no longer provides me with that outlet - there are far too many family members and co-workers in my "friends" list for me to be comfortable sharing the intimate things I'm okay publicly sharing with complete strangers. For the most part, the stuff I'm putting out there via the blog or Twitter are things that I'm putting out there solely for myself. I truly believe that my blog has been what has pulled me through the ups and downs of the past couple of years. Without this outlet to release everything I've been feeling, I'm quite certain I wouldn't have had the ability to continue on my journey. I would never want my mother to know how completely tortured I've been over this past year through all of the ups and downs with H. I would never want my co-workers to read that I haven't had sex since last March and that some days I wonder if I'll ever find someone worth sharing that experience with again. And if H discovered this blog I'd be mortified. Sure he knows that I've been through hell with him, but I don't think he truly "gets" how I feel (but that's a topic for another post, really) and even though I've been careful not to really share his story here (beyond how it has affected me) there's the chance he would be unhappy with me for publicly sharing even my feelings for him. (Side note, completely unrelated - In the interest of being upfront and open with him, I've contemplated telling him about all of this recently, but fear to upset the lovely balance we finally seem to have created after so long. And if I do share with him, I lose this outlet to work through my feelings.) But the more people I befriend, the greater the risk that I meet someone who knows my family, or a co-worker, or a friend who I don't share this online presence with.

Lately there have been so many small world things happening. A wonderful new friend is friends with someone who is indirectly a part of H's life. Another great friend that I haven't yet met in person works with one of my mother's close friends. I discovered this week that one person I'm getting to know went to junior high with me. And just today I discovered that a local radio personality is living in my old house.

All I can really do is hope that people keep what they know about me quiet. Maybe I should go private with the blog, but a part of my motivation is knowing that I might be able to connect with someone new via this medium - it's happened in the past and I'm sure it will again. That won't happen if it's private. And frankly, I'm so very much enjoying interacting with like-minded individuals, making new friends, and meeting new people. I've finally found an outlet where my geeky, somewhat shy, socially awkward personality fits in and can shine on occasion and I'm not prepared to give it up.

1 comment:

Independent Chick said...

Everything you said here...I feel it too by times. I have contemplated making my blog private or deleting it all together. But...I shouldn't and I don't think you should either. It is a great release for you, you have met people and you don't want to lose that opportunity and your blog helps. It's helped me more times than I can say. You have wise words and a great way to communicate them. Your honesty makes me be honest with myself in times that I didn't want to be. Of course you have to do what you need to do but know that all I read here, it stays with me. It stays with me in that way that it's not my business to share and it stays with me in my mind and sometimes my heart when I need it the most.

Sending you hugs. XO