Smitten

Ever try to convince yourself that you don't have feelings for someone, and then suddenly reality crashes down on you, and you realize that you're hopelessly in love with them? I'm trying to stay cool but it's so hard... I refuse to be his rebound, and I refuse to do anything casually. It's all or nothing, and he knows it now. I don't think I'll get the relationship I want anytime soon, but I'm now filled with hope for the future again. And hope is a very dangerous thing. One interesting thing is that since we became "just friends" I'm much more like myself around him, without worrying too much about what he thinks. He seems to like me more now than he did before.

Right now we're practically inseparable... Filled with hope and happiness tonight. xo

Thursday Night Randoms

- I'm annoyed that my car wasn't washed and vacuumed today when I took it in to have the winter tires taken off. My whole reason for going to this particular service centre was so that the car would get a bit of a cleaning while it was there.

- I'm happy that BG was a good girl while we waited for over two hours at the service centre today. She nursed for a few minutes when we first arrived, then passed out in my arms for the next two hours. When she woke up she nursed again, and then passed out again. I love how I can take her anywhere. I was never brave enough to do that with BB. He never once nursed in public... we were hermits for the entire year I was off work.

- People say the stupidest things. I was out with Handsome on the weekend and we had BG with us. An old lady commented that she looked "just like" him. It was good for a laugh anyway. In reality, the only person she looks "just like" is BB when he was her age.

- I haven't talked about this previously, but one of the dark clouds that has been hanging over my head for quite some time now has finally been removed and I feel like my overall outlook on life is much better as a result. XH changed his mind on not being able to be friends. When we split, I think the hardest thing to deal with was losing my best friend, even though we said we would continue to be friends. Then it became apparent to me that it wasn't going to be the case, and finally he came out and said it. Well, emailed it. Anyway, a few weeks ago he completely floored me by saying that he wanted to be my friend again. Now he comes over to visit with the kids, has dinner with us, gives me an opportunity to take a shower, etc. He has even done a few (much appreciated) things around here for me. I wasn't sure how he was truly going to be a part of BG's life with the way things had been... I'm relieved for her that this seems to be working.

- I just realized that I've officially been separated for five months now.

- Correspondence with TMG has become spotty. I'm definitely okay with that. We had started chatting on MSN, but I stopped logging in (and haven't logged in since) since it seemed that he was constantly bombarding me with offline messages. So we went back to email, which I preferred. However, my motivation to email him hasn't been high lately so it usually takes me days to finally reply to one of his messages. So now I think he's giving me a taste of my own medicine by not replying right away either. It's okay, I think I'd prefer to stop talking to him now anyway. He seems kind enough, but I've come across a few values that don't jive with mine (cheating, for example!) and, as Handsome pointed out the other day, even if I've made it clear that I won't meet him, even emailing with him is enabling him. The way I've been looking at it is, I don't blame XH's girlfriend for what he did, it was his doing... same thing here. TMG can choose whether to talk to me or not, I'm not the one doing something wrong in his marriage. However, even so, when it comes down to it, I don't feel good about being a female he's talking to online without his wife's knowledge. Our conversations aren't even of a nature that would cause anyone to even raise an eyebrow... they're very clean, and just about life in general, but even so, I'm not feeling like I'm doing the right thing here.

- Have you ever spent a period of time sleeping with someone, and then found out after the fact that they have no recollection of it? Yeah, me neither. But apparently it happens to some people. And that's all I'm saying about that one.

- BB is slowly settling into his life with a baby sister. He has good days and bad days. At the beginning of last week I was at the end of my rope. I felt like all I was saying was, "No, no, no, no, no, no." But this week I'm noticing a big difference. I think that he's getting a better understanding of what I expect from him, and I'm getting a better feel for what he is capable of. This means he is able to follow the rules a bit more, and I'm able to loosen up on the rules in some areas, since most of my rules are simply for his protection. I suppose all of this makes sense... for the past year he has been in someone else's care for most of his waking hours, so now we need to get to know one another. He needs to learn the expectations, and I need to learn his abilities.

- BB's affection for BG is sweet. I think he only does it because I praise him for it, but that's okay. It's a beginning. And it's far better than having him walk up to her and slug her!

- Before I met Handsome, I had been chatting with someone else from the pond. We had talked about meeting but it never worked out. Then I met Handsome and I dropped the first guy like a hot potato. After Handsome broke my heart (okay, I could have sugar coated that a bit, but I don't feel like it) and I went back into the pond, the first guy found me and we started chatting again. It was only occasional at first, but now we check in with each other at least a few times a day. He still wants to meet. I kind of want to, but at the same time, I'm not sure if it's smart. I know nothing is going to happen with Handsome, but I also know that I still have feelings for him. And even if Handsome felt anything toward me (which he doesn't, beyond friendship, of course) I'm quite certain I wouldn't pursue it anyway. I know too much now to feel like that would be wise of me. I think I would just be setting myself up to be hurt by him once again. And really, how many times can one person stand in the middle of the road waiting to be run down by a transport? Even now, I find out little things that make me say, "Ouch." The first guy and I said that we'd only be meeting as friends, but everyone knows that when two single people are meeting, even if they give that disclaimer, both are thinking of the other as a possibility. My dilemma is this - would it really be fair of me to meet this first guy, even just as "friends", while I know I still have feelings for Handsome? Perhaps meeting the first guy would help me get over Handsome. But does that fall under the category of using the first guy?

- Some people in the world are evil. They tell malicious lies and hide behind them to mask their own guilt. They do not care whose lives they wreck in the process. I can't imagine living in this fashion, but I'm watching it happen to a friend.

- Please don't call a diaper a "di-a-per". It drives me crazy.

- There are few things in this world that are cuter than BG's hair. It's thick and dark. Immediately after a bath it goes curly. And when it dries, it stands on end and is fluffy. And by the next morning it's suddenly oily again.

- One of the pluses of being single with a newborn (bet you didn't realize that there would be pluses to this situation!) is that she and I have the bed all to ourselves! I don't have to worry about waking someone who will need to be able to function at work the next day, I can position myself on whichever side of the bed I need to in order to simply pop a breast in her mouth the next time she wakes up, I don't have to live in paranoia of someone else rolling over onto her or kicking or punching her in their sleep.

- Sharing my bed with BG does have one downside though... I don't foresee any intimacy in my future for a very long time.

- Don't leave my kitchen sink stopper in the sink. That annoys me.

- I enjoy early morning telephone conversations with Handsome. Heck, I enjoy conversations anytime with him, but for the past almost two weeks, we've been calling each other every morning to check in... now it feels like my day hasn't started until the phone call has taken place.

- Handsome has become such a big part of my life again these past couple of weeks... I'm going to be left with a gaping hole in my life when he finds his next love interest and starts investing all of his time in her. Maybe I should meet that first guy in hopes of avoiding the gaping hole. But then I'm back to the question of whether or not that qualifies as using the first guy.

- BG has grown so much over the past four weeks. I remember her sleeping on my chest not too long ago and she was just a little ball of flesh. Now she's over 10 lbs (XH and I weighed her the other night) and is currently sleeping on my chest, stomach, and her little feet and legs are even spilling onto my lap. It amazes me when I think about how it is my body nourishing her and giving her everything she needs to grow. It makes me think that I really need to step up my healthy eating. I've been lazy lately and meal time seems to be the same time that all hell breaks loose with the two children.

- Sometimes having an incredible memory isn't a good thing. I remember details that other people don't. And then when they don't remember those details, it hurts, and I look creepy.

- Although I spend more than my fair share of time thinking about guy-stuff and matters of the heart, I do believe that having BG has helped me to refocus on being a mother again. Not to the extreme that I experienced with BB, but I'm in a much different place this time. There are few parallels between my life now and my life then. At this point though, I don't feel the desperate longing to be with someone. It would be nice, but I'll survive being alone for a while longer.

- I still need to do a post on the events of the crazy night that BG was born. I started one... it was really long, and I'm not sure how clear it was. It's such an emotional topic for me, and I hate to forget a detail. I think I need to redo it with less detail though... otherwise, it won't make sense to anyone other than myself.

- I need to try some new food. I don't remember the last time I tried something different. I'm in a rut. I also need to find some recipes that are relatively easy, but healthy and different. Everyone has been so generous in keeping my freezer filled with easy and quick meals, but I really need to start making a few things again. Getting groceries is proving to be a bit difficult. I take BG with me, since she goes everywhere with me, and there's only so much room in her stroller for groceries. Last time I hung some shopping bags off her stroller with my Mama Clip. I was able to get more, but it was awkward.

- Gah. Just spent the last hour and ten minutes on the phone with Handsome since my last random point. He makes me happy. "And on that note"... I'm going to end this.

Questions that make me say, "Ugh."

I've been asked three questions over the past three days that I've been unable to answer very well because I was put on the spot. Okay, not all three are actual questions, but all three should have had a decent response on my part, but instead I was so shocked that the question was asked (or the comment was made) that I couldn't really say anything meaningful or worthwhile... These are somewhat paraphrased because these conversations took place over the last few days and although I have a good memory, I don't always remember every little word. ;o)

1. "I know you still care about me. Is it difficult for you to spend so much time on the phone with me and with me?" "Ummmm... no, not at all. I'm happy to be have the opportunity to spend time with you again." "Cut the crap, cuddles. That's a canned response. How do you really feel?" Ugh.

2. "I know you'll do anything for me. You've proven it. Why is it that you'd do that for me?" "Because I care." Really, what more could I say to that one? Although I have come up with some additional responses since then, most go back to the one I gave. Ugh.

3. "Can I be direct with you?" "Always." "You still look at me with that dreamy look." "I do?" "Yes, you do." "I'm sorry, does that bother you?" Ugh.

I need a switch to turn these things off

Why can't I just be his friend? I was getting there. I was okay with it. And now that we're on the phone constantly again and spent the last two evenings together, I feel the old feelings resurfacing. Oh, and he's wonderful with BG. Maybe it's just that I'm feeling protective of him right now, and that's feeling like those other feelings?

How did I recognize that I was having these feelings? I felt sad going to bed last night without first having a late-night convo. And then I realized.

Am I going to act on these feelings? Nope. I know they're not reciprocated, and that's okay. And anyway, my head knows that going down that road again isn't smart. However, my head and my heart are often not connected these days... Maybe they never have been.

The sun, moon, and stars

There is another post I started almost a week ago that I haven't finished yet... I just can't seem to get the focus I need to finish it. However, I feel the need to write about this situation, so I'm jumping around a bit.

In the course of my friendship with Handsome, I've been finding out all sorts of little things that have made me raise an eyebrow. Things that don't add up with what he originally told me when we first started chatting online, or even things that he didn't tell me while we were seeing one another, that I feel he should have filled me in on. I wondered whether or not to confront him on these things, or if it would just make me seem crazy, since it's all in the past. I decided to sit on it, and if the opportunity arises, I would bring it up then. I find it amusing that I've gotten the truth more often as his friend than as more. At this point, I'm definitely okay with just being his friend and nothing more. I still care about him greatly, but am not hoping for more than friendship from him anymore.

I try not to talk about other people's "stuff" here. This isn't a gossip blog. ;o) But I will sometimes mention things in relation to how they affect me. Handsome is going through some major stuff right now. As his friend, I am going to do whatever I can to support him though this ordeal. To be honest, I have no way of knowing for certain whether he is innocent or not since I wasn't there to see what happened, but as his friend I have to believe what he is telling me and support him 100%, so that is what I am doing. And I do believe him. I was thinking about this last night, and decided that even if he told me that he wasn't innocent, I would still support him. I would be angry with him for being dishonest with me, but that would be confronted and dealt with. Not that I think that would happen. Just sayin'.

I sometimes go back and forth on the whole "things happen for a reason" mentality. Sometimes I think that is true; other times I think that no, that isn't the case, but that we do need to look for the silver lining in the things that happen. Today, I seem to be sitting in the "things happen for a reason" camp. I feel like he came into my life at a time when I needed a boost, and since that time he's helped me through many rough patches. I even give him credit for saving BB's life when he was so sick. I'm grateful for all of the kicks in the pants he's given me to make me take action. And now I feel like I've been put in his life to help support him through this. We had one of our typical mushy moments last night where we gush at one another. He had been out with someone he has been good friends with for many many years -- one of those friends that doesn't keep score, and is there for you no matter what happens. He told me that I'm in the same category as that other friend. I'm glad he sees that. Isn't it funny the way relationships change over time?

BG arrived two weeks ago today. The time has gone by so quickly, yet it feels like she's been here forever. The connection I feel to this little girl is amazing. Maybe it's the female bond? I never believed in that prior to now. I think part of it is the whole "I am woman hear me roar" thing I've had going on over the past several months as I become more strong and independent... it makes me want to instill those qualities into BG from the beginning.

But I digress. As usual.

My purpose of this post is to document my labour experience. It was exactly as I had hoped, but did not go according to plan! Are you ready? Here we go.

Thursday March 25 - I had some energy that evening, so I decided to get the house tidied up in case Handsome happened to decide to come over (we kept saying that we were going to get together but between him being sick, then BB being sick, and then me being sick, etc. it never happened, and I knew that this would be the last night until the following week that he would be able to drop in.) Also, I hadn't taken any baby bump pics since the night of my work Christmas party (posing for XH to take the pics was beyond awkward, so I hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask anyone else to take any more for me) and I knew that time was most likely running out, so I perched my camera on a stool that was perched on a chair and got a few baby bump shots. At 20:55 Handsome called and invited himself over. It was the first time I had seen him in three weeks, and it was clear that we were just friends now. But that was okay because I knew he was dating, and really, I'm not interested in being one of many. We had lots of laughs and a it was a great visit. It had been a while since I had last laughed that much... considering how bad the previous few weeks had been with BB being so sick, the laughter was much appreciated. Anyway, as he was leaving at 22:30, we hugged goodbye and he decided to try to pick me up to see how heavy I was. Pretty amusing, since I had only gained 27 lbs. (On a side note, I did nothing to assist him in his efforts to pick me up. If anything, I probably made it harder. At one point in time I probably would have had my legs wrapped around him if he had tried to do that.... Way to be strong, cuddles!) After he left, he did his usual calling me while on the road thing, and then I uploaded the bump pics to Facebook, and Handsome and I chatted on MSN until 01:00.

Friday, March 26 - After Handsome went to bed, I played around on the Internet for a while longer. Melissa and I exchanged comments on my bump picture, and I told her that I didn't think that the baby would be coming for a while yet as I was far too comfortable to be ready to go into labour anytime soon! At around 01:30 I realized that I should go to bed, afterall, if I were to go into labour within the next couple of days, I might regret missing out on that chance for sleep! I noticed that my back was hurting a bit, but I chalked it up to laying in a bad position with the Netbook and the belly. (It's not the first time I've done that!)

At 02:30, I woke up not feeling right. This had happened a few nights prior, and I used the washroom, then returned to bed in a different position and was fine. So I assumed the same thing would work again. But when I returned to bed I could tell that sleep wasn't going to happen the way it did the other time. Then I was suddenly hit with a wave of pain. I wondered if it might be a contraction (I was induced with Pitocin during my labour with BB, so I had no idea what to expect from a natural labour, and for the record, a natural labour was my goal. I'm not brave enough to do the home birth thing, but I did intend to be drug-free this time.) It passed after a minute and I breathed a sigh of relief. But then a few minutes later it happened again. I figured it must be Braxton Hicks, because it didn't make sense for real contractions to be happening so close together. After the third time I started trying to roughly time them... four minutes apart, lasting for almost a minute each. I went to the labour info website that my SIL/friend/labour support person had sent to me earlier in the week and it said that labour usually starts with contractions 30 minutes apart. I thought that it must be "fake" labour then and breathed a sigh of relief. However, by 3:30 it wasn't letting up. At this point I called my SIL to let her know what was going on. I played it down, since I didn't want to get everyone riled up over nothing and she said that if I wasn't able to sleep to call back in a couple of hours. I figured, "Hey, she's a nurse. She knows about this stuff." I was a bit disappointed that she wasn't jumping in the car to come to my place, but then again, it probably was just fake labour, right? As the next hour progressed I tried to time my contractions, but it was difficult to time them while dealing with them. I tried to distract myself by swimming in the pond (OMG, yes, I was in labour and trying to find a new man!), and looking at the labour website. One of the items on the website was a checklist of what to take to the hospital with you. It included warm socks in case your feet get cold. I hadn't packed warm socks, but there was a basket of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that had warm socks in it. So I laid on my floor, pawing through the basket of laundry while suffering through contractions, trying to find a warm pair of socks. *shaking head* I obviously wasn't thinking right at this point. I was becoming more and more scared. All alone with a 22 month old, outside of the city, and no support. And once again I was wondering, "How did this become my life?"

At close to 04:30 I went through the chart that outlined "real" labour vs. "fake" labour on the website... it seemed that I had all the "symptoms" of real labour. OMG. At 04:30 I called my SIL because the contractions were now two minutes apart and not pushing was becoming impossible. I think called XH to make arrangements for him to take BB earlier the next day than originally planned. Having to talk to him during all of this was murder. I had to deal with contractions while talking to him, and showing any signs of vulnerability to him was not something I wanted to do.

At around 05:00 help still had not arrived. I contemplated calling N to come over, but I knew that this wasn't something she would want to deal with (and really, we had made so many jokes about her having to deliver the baby, that it just seemed weird to actually suggest it might happen!) I even considered calling Handsome just to have him talk me down and tell me that no, I still had lots of time, be calm, etc. Instead I called my SIL again and demanded to know where she and my brother were. I wasn't very nice about it. (Turned out they weren't rushing as they thought they had lots of time... the took their dog out to pee, got dressed, didn't drive more than 10kph over the speed limit, etc.) They arrived at 05:15. I was standing at the island in my kitchen holding on for dear life, bellowing through my contractions. The look on my brother's face told me that he knew we all had to move quickly. My SIL asked me if I was nauseous (yes, I was nauseous and drenched in sweat) and then the realization hit her that this was the real deal. I managed to calmly explain to my brother which bags from my room needed to be loaded into the car, had him get me the garbage can from the bathroom to take with me in case I was sick in the car, directed him to find a pair of flip flops for me from my closet, had him grab my camera, etc. How I remained level headed to do this, I have no idea.... planning does seem to be how I react to a crisis though. Then we headed out to the car. The infant carrier seat caused the passenger seat to be pulled too far ahead for me to comfortably ride to the hospital, so I had to get back out of the car, remove the seat, let my brother know to move it into the house, and get back into the car. Once a bit of confusion over keys between my brother and SIL was cleared up we were finally on the road to the hospital.

I advised my SIL to pass anyone that was in our way. Luckily at 05:30 that only meant passing a couple of cars. Even on the way to the hospital, I was still worried they would tell me that this wasn't the real thing and would send me home.... all the while trying not to push in the car!

My SIL stopped at the ER doors and put my in a wheelchair and brought in my bags. She then ran into the ER to tell them what was happening. Then she went back out to park the car. While she was doing that, my water broke. (Next time you walk through the doors into the DECH ER, think of me!) She came back inside and again went into the ER asking for some help (you can't get up to Labour & Delivery after hours without someone from ER letting you through.) A couple of women sauntered over and looked at me through the glass, and eventually someone came out and started pushing my wheelchair. She didn't say a word to me, just gave the occasional order to my SIL. The ride was awful... the ceramic tiles on the floor are SO bumpy when you're in a wheelchair! We arrived in L&D at 05:50. One nurse checked for dilation and said that she could feel the baby's head, but that she would have another nurse confirm it. So the next nurse comes in, checks, says, "Yes, that's the baby's head. PUSH!" Eight minutes later at 05:58, BG was in my arms.

In all of the haste they didn't have time to try to drug me, catheterize me, or hook me up to their machines. One person did hold a fetal heart monitor to my stomach, but they didn't even bother trying to strap it on. They didn't have time to read my birth plan, but thankfully my SIL knew what was there and was able to direct them after the baby arrived so that all of my post-delivery wishes were followed. (All of my labour & delivery wishes basically revolved around not wanting drugs or interventions, so it seemed that I automatically got my way on those ones!)

After it was all over with I couldn't believe I had just given birth. I felt fantastic. When BB was born I felt like I had been hit by a train afterwards. It was the scariest 3.5 hours of my life (seriously, who wakes up an hour after they go to sleep with contractions 4 minutes apart?!) but I survived, and I'm happier it happened this way so I could have the birth go the way I wanted. When I started preparing for BG's arrival, I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards the way my labour with BB happened. Now I feel that I can let go of that negativity because I've had the experience I had hoped for.

Rutted

I had so many things I had intended on accomplishing tonight with BB at XH's for the night. I was going to get on treadmill, shower, finally get my breast pump washed up, apply for my EI, bake a batch of muffins, etc. And now that it's just me and BG here, I feel exhausted. Physically, I'm more tired today than I have been since before BG was born. Emotionally, I'm spent. I feel guilty over not getting these things done tonight, especially since it's going to be a week before I have another "break" like this, but I think I need to just spend the evening doing what feels right. Maybe crying a little (yep, here come the tears), feeling a little sorry for myself, eating some ice cream, etc. Spend the evening in bed with BG and maybe catch up on some emails that I owe people. (My mother would tell me that I should be working on my thank-you cards. One more thing hanging over my head.) I've worked so hard since January to get myself out of the rut, that I feel so scared on nights like tonight when I feel myself slipping back into it. Maybe I should get BG dressed up and head into town or something... sure it's not accomplishing what I set out to do tonight, but maybe my mental health needs the trip out of the house? Ugh, but no, my face looks creepy, so no unnecessary trips to town for me. Be strong, cuddles.

One More to Add to the List

I've stopped asking "What next?" when thinking about all of the bad things that have happened to me over these past several months. It seems like it is only tempting fate. I've tried so very hard to keep a positive attitude, and keep that smile on my face, even if it means constantly laughing at myself and my situation. Now I can't even smile properly because I was diagnosed on Wednesday with Bell's Palsy! Over the day on Tuesday the right side of my face slowly stopped working, but I didn't clue in until Tuesday night when I could no longer blink or smile. It could take up to SIX MONTHS to correct itself! WTF?!

I have SO very much in my life that I am grateful for. So very very much! But come on! After all I've been through lately, at least let me have my vanity! I'm not feeling very reflective at the moment, just annoyed with it all. Hoping the silver lining jumps out at me soon!