Little anniversaries

I've been quietly acknowledging all of the little anniversaries that have taken place since November. The ones that have been the most emotional are all of the ones with H. First meeting, dinners out, first kiss, first time making love (N would be snickering at this one), the T&S concert, nights in, etc. Sure, I see the entire experience with him in a different light now, knowing what I know, but remembering all of the little anniversaries still has made me miss what was and what might have been, had the circumstances been different. It probably doesn't help that I'm not in my happy place these days.

Early this afternoon when he and I were talking I said, "It was a year ago today that you painted my bathroom." And then we started reminiscing about the rest of that weekend. We went to Moncton, had a beautiful suite, went out to dinner, watched the most boring movie that night (I slept through most of it, snuggled up in his arms)... I remember so many details from that trip. It's like it was just yesterday. It was such a nice weekend, and it was so hard for me to understand how he could just end things a few days later. I understand now.

It's strange to think that a year ago today, I felt loved. Today I cry because I am not. On the bright side, at least I'm not crying anymore that I'm not with him. ...I always need to keep looking for that bright side, right?

Deleted

I bit the bullet this afternoon and deleted my profile from the pond. I need a break. It's not that I'm not open to meeting new people or a relationship, but I need a break from the site... the little lift I get when someone sends a message, the disappointment when I realize it's the same dirty old man in SJ who just messaged me a week ago (for example), or someone who can't even be bothered to type more than five words to me, etc. I've met some great people through the site, and formed a few great friendships too. The overall experience was good, and I'm sure I'll be back at some point. Just not right now.

There's still eHarmony... but really, I get very few matches sent to me from the area. It was a complete waste of money.

So for now, it's me, the kiddos, and my friends and family.

Sunday night ramblings

As is always the case these days, I can't seem to find the time to do everything I want to do. Thought I'd set aside a bit of time this evening to catch up here a bit. This past year has been such a blur - I'd like to do a better job of keeping at least this spot updated so that I have something to remind myself of everything that has happened/is happening. Otherwise, I'm likely to think back and wonder, "What exactly was I doing with the time?!"

Kids

• Baby Girl is exclusively crawling now. She'll be 10 months in three days. Today she let go of me and stood in the living room for at least three seconds (it felt like an eternity) before beginning to lose her balance. She has also been cruising around a bit over the past week or two to get to whatever tickles her fancy.
• Baby Boy has been amazing me on a daily basis. I bought a book on baby sign language for BG at Christmas. It also came with several flash cards. In the past few days BB has learned the majority of the signs on the cards and is anxious to learn more. The other day, he and I recorded a little video to send to his father of him showing off his new signing abilities. We watched the video before sending it and he started talking to the image of himself on the screen and telling him that he was doing it wrong, and demonstrating how to do the signs correctly. Sure enough, after seeing himself not quite doing the signs the same way he was shown, he improved his technique. I'm not confident that I'm showing him the signs correctly, but I'm sure it's irrelevant. What matters is that he's learning and building his confidence.
• BG has really embraced solid food since Christmas. She eats pretty much everything I put in front of her. Tonight she devoured almost half of an avocado. She also loves egg yolk and cottage cheese. Yesterday we had turkey dinner at mom and dad's. She enjoyed broccoli, squash, potatoes, and turkey. Then she inhaled some cottage cheese. Oh, and water. She loves her water. Just a month ago I was beginning to wonder how I was ever going to wean her during the day so I could return to work. Now it seems like she'd happily give up nursing during the day if I pushed it (which I obviously am not.)
• BB's vocabulary is increasing on a daily basis. It's so great to be able to have real conversations with him now. For the most part I can understand what it is that he's trying to communicate to me, and when I can't, he usually manages to find a way to explain what it is that he's attempting to say.
• BB is learning about time. Anything that has already happened is classified as yesterday- it could mean this morning, or two months ago. And he often tells me that something that will happen in the future will happen in "two naps". His understanding of the concept of time coincides with an upset he had one Friday night at bedtime when I took him to his father's for the weekend. Two weeks later when he went to bed there, he was able to explain to me what would happen over the weekend, and concluded by telling me that after all that was done, he'd come back to "Mommy's house". And ever since then he's been fine. I think that weekend with the breakdown he understood that it was going to be a period of time before he saw me again, but had no idea how long it would be. All it took was a couple of weeks for him to wrap his head around the concept.

Dating

• Bachelor D and I had (what I thought was) a great second date. I completely blew at pool (really, I do recall at least getting some balls in the pockets the last time I played... several years ago) but still had fun. We planned to get together again last week to watch a movie and just spend some quiet time together without all the interruptions of waiters and loud music. The thing that seemed odd was that he emailed early in the morning last Sunday morning to suggest Wednesday night. I replied during the day to say yes, Wednesday worked well, and suggested a time and asked a question or two. Wednesday rolled around, and I still hadn't heard from him. I knew that he was supposed to be out of town for work, but I had noticed him in the pond, so he obviously had Internet access while he was away. Around noon on Wednesday, I sent him a quick email just to confirm that he was still planning on getting together. I heard back from him around 17:00 saying that he was sorry but was stuck in Moncton due to the storm. Later that evening once the chaos of the day was over, I sent him an email telling him that I was disappointed that I hadn't heard from him prior to my follow-up email confirming our plans. I wasn't sure whether I should say anything to him about it, but as H pointed out, I should acknowledge my feelings and not just brush them under the rug. Far to often I smile and say, "That's okay, don't worry about it." when I'm bothered by something. So I took the risk and sent it. He replied back the next day with the nicest email telling me that he had a busy week but should have been more considerate and called me at some point. He said he'd call later that afternoon. However, I had an ortho appointment so I suggested he call later in the evening. We exchanged another couple of quick emails after that... by the end of all the email exchanges I was feeling really good about him, and definitely wanted to see him sooner rather than later. But he didn't call and I haven't heard from him since Thursday. H thinks he's hiding something. I don't know what to think. What I do know is that his actions and his words aren't matching. Anyway, my plan had been to just wait and see if he contacted me again. But aside from this most recent lack of communication, I really do like the guy. I'm seriously attracted to him, he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, seems kind, family oriented, etc. Today I caved though. It's so rare for me to be seriously interested in someone like this - I can't just give up that easily. But I was worried I'd seem crazy for sending him another message... XH confirmed for me that no, it would be okay to do that. So I went ahead and did it. Still no word back, but it's only been a few hours.
• I can't bring myself to continue looking for someone else. I want a definite end to this before I really start searching again. And even then, I'm not sure if I will right away. I'm feeling emotionally exhausted right now. I need to focus on the kids, the house, the things I want to accomplish but never have the time to, work, etc. Easier said than done though.

All the other

• Why do I worry that I'll seem crazy? Because of H. He's said enough things this past year that make me sound like a stalker (which, for the record, I'm totally not.) Considering what he's been through, having him be semi-serious or even joke about that drives me effing nuts and hurts my feelings. And yes, I recently told him this. Anyway, tonight when I was telling him about emailing Bachelor D, he told me that I wasn't crazy. I explained that I worry that I'll seem crazy and that I've been told it often enough over the past year that it's made me paranoid. "Who said that to you?" "Gee, I wonder, H!" I don't think he was impressed, and he let me go shortly after.
• XH picked up a huge order of meat for me from the market today. This should keep us going for a while. I really dislike relying on other people for this sort of thing. I'm tired of feeling like a burden to everyone. It's funny, the people who were lining up to help me out when XH and I broke up disappeared pretty fast. My mother is one of the few still around, and it feels like she's burning out too... I usually only have her here for part of one day a week, and it's normally because I have an appointment of some sort to go to (orthodontist, lawyer, doctor's appointment with one of the kids, etc.) It's not like I'm going out and having a bunch of me-time or anything. Anyway, all this is to say that I find it kind of funny - the one person I didn't think I'd be able to rely on for anything is the one person who happily helps me out - stays with kids so I can go on occasional dates, picks up things from town for me, brings in wood, etc. It was almost a year ago that he told me that he couldn't do anything to help me and that I would have to handle things on my own... and now he's one of my best friends again. Crazy how life works out sometimes.
• I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm attributing it to the time of year. A couple days last week I spent most of the day crying. I seem to have pulled it together again though. I've noticed myself feeling shaky inside again today though. At one point week I ended up bawling on the phone while talking to H. He knew I had been sad the night before so he called first thing the next morning to check in on me. Sadly though, talking to him about it only seemed to make me sadder. He was trying to tell me that I need to get out and do something for myself. He doesn't seem to get that it's not a matter of me not wanting to get out. There are a lot more factors involved than just that. Sometimes he reminds me of my mother and just wants to try to solve all of my problems without thinking of the other factors involved. Anyway, all of the sadness is primarily self-pity. I just need to suck it up. Focus on all the good and keep plowing ahead.
• Ugh. I intended to sign off at this point. I need to go to bed. But I happened to click on my FB tab and a name jumped out at me. A childhood friend just added this person as a friend. I haven't seen him in years, and hopefully will never see him again. I creeped a bit and feel nauseous now. Never thought I'd have to see that face again... *shudder* I wouldn't have recognized him if I saw him out, but his eyes are the same. The past always comes back to haunt you with FB, doesn't it?

*I should proof this, but I'm not. Maybe later.

About Me

Hmmm... I just read my About Me section. I think it really needs an overhaul. Funny, I just wrote it in July(ish), but it feels like it doesn't describe who I am at all anymore.

Because it's going to be deleted in the near future, I figure I should record it... it might be interesting to look back on some day.

I unexpectedly became a single mom when I was pregnant with my second child. Since that time, my life has been turned upside down more than once. I'm constantly trying to find the balance between the demands of mothering a two year old and a newborn, the quest to find the right person to share this life with, and the day-to-day goings-on. ...all while continuing on my life-long journey of self-discovery. I'm the person who picks up the pieces and carries on with a smile on my face. Not because always I feel like it, but because it's the example I want my children to see. This is my special place where I attempt to make sense of all the craziness, and where the "real" me hangs out.

It's not that none of this stuff is true anymore, but I'm more than this now.

One more thing for the to-do list.

Bachelor D

I'm tempted to not even write anything about this for fear of jinxing it... If there even is anything there to be jinxed. But I recall writing something similar to that a year ago, and not writing about it didn't prevent it from being jinxed, so what the hell?

I was supposed to meet Bachelor D on Dec. 29th, but BB became ill that day, so I asked if we could postpone. The tone of his response was less friendly than his previous emails, but I suppose that it's to be expected, considering the fact that I bailed on him. A couple days later I followed up to see if he would be interested in meeting the following week. He said yes, and that we should continue emailing, talk on the phone, etc. to continue getting to know one another. And then I didn't hear from him again until the day before we were planning on going out (after I contacted him to see if we were still on.) By the evening of our coffee date last Wednesday, I was pretty indifferent to the whole thing. When meeting people from the Internet, you really do need to meet right away, while you still have momentum and the excitement is still there. By the time we met, there was no excitement.

That being said, when we met, I realized that I really liked the guy. In fact I liked him probably as much as I liked H the first time I met him. And the amazing thing? I'm attracted to him. Like, full-on attracted to the guy. This is rare. My test consists of asking myself if I could wake up next to him. I almost laughed out loud when I heard the voice in my head exclaiming, "Hell yeah!" At one point he touched my hand while demonstrating something and all I could think after was how much I wanted his hand back. However, I was convinced that he wasn't interested in me. Like me, he seems to have a lot of criteria surrounding what he's looking for. Sure, it's all simple stuff, but to find someone that has it all isn't easy. I felt like I was being tested all evening, and I was convinced at the end of the evening when he told me he'd email me the next day that the email would be a PFO letter. The only thing that gave me any hope was that he gave me a hug goodnight. It was one of those awkward hugs, but still felt nice.

I worried most of the night about the things I said or didn't say during our two hours together. Had I just grabbed my phone and checked my email sometime after 1am, I would have discovered that he had already emailed and said that he was interested in me. To say I was excited would probably be an understatement.

Even now though, I still wonder if he was as into me as I was with him. Perhaps this second date is just a second chance. And I'm so incredibly paranoid that I'm going to end up in another mess like I ended up in with H... because if tomorrow night goes well, I know what will happen to me.

H isn't helping. I already feel like I have to watch my back, and he's reiterating that. I told him the number of coffee dates Bachelor D has been on in the past months, and how few people made it to a second date with him, and H told me that he was probably just saying that to charm me. It's like the little voice of self-doubt inside of my head has been replaced by his voice. The little voice says, "Be careful! H wasn't into you like he pretended to be. This guy could be a player too. You have no way of knowing." ...and then I have H saying almost the exact same words to me.

But here's what I've decided. Yes, I could get hurt. Yes, this guy could be a player. The thing is, what if I don't get hurt? What if he isn't a player? If I retreat, or even hold back in an effort to protect myself, I'm going to miss out... I believe that in order to really gain, you need to take some risk. So that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to play the what-if game. I'm going to put myself out there. I will try not to keep a little part tucked safely away, so that there will be a part of me unbroken to rebuild from "just in case". Will I attempt to take things slow? Yes. But there is a difference between taking things slow and putting up walls.

Am I jumping the gun here? Yes. I realize I've only spent a couple of hours with the guy. I may still get that PFO letter. Or I may end up sending one myself. But a couple of things have changed inside of myself as a result of this experience with Bachelor D:

1. I now know that there are people who fulfill my "dream guy" criteria who will return my interest. Since last January, I've been convinced that perhaps I had set the bar too high and maybe I should lower my standards. But no, the standards should not be lowered. This leads me to point 2...

2. Bachelor B is NOT the guy for me. I think picturing myself with him was me settling. I'm not even going to list all the reasons why.

3. I can't assume I'm going to get hurt. If I want to go for something I need to give it my all.

Wish me luck tomorrow night. I tend to be a klutz on a good day... I imagine I'll somehow manage to impale myself (or Bachelor D) with a pool cue or something!

Here

I had good intentions of doing some sort of a 2010 close-out post. A FB friend even had a good note posted that posed questions I wanted to reflect on. But I haven't gotten to it yet. Like so many things in my life... good intentions, little time.

I told myself that I was done bellyaching about H here. I hadn't seen him since November, but as I've mentioned before, we talk/text/MSN pretty much daily. He's become one of my closest friends... I'd say there are four people I'd put in that inner circle. It's a bit amusing that he's there considering how he's treated me over the last year. But like I said to him tonight, as much as I like to remind him about how poorly he's treated me, it matters little compared to the present. And presently, he's being a great friend to me. My reason for not wanting to bellyache about H here, is that if anyone new who comes into my life happens to read any of this, I wouldn't want them to think that I'm still so hung up on him that I'm not able to move on. Because trust me, I am ready, willing, and able to move on. I just need a reason to do so.

He came over tonight and brought supper, which was so nice of him. We had originally talked about going out, but for several reasons that I'm not really prepared to write about (it's coming... eventually. Just not ready to sit down and try to put it all into words and see it in black and white...) he came over instead. We did our usual sitting on the couch and gabbing thing. I can say pretty much anything to this guy. And I know he feels the same way about me. We dissected his current relationship. We dissected everything that's happened so far with Bachelor D, who I'm meeting tomorrow night, and Bachelor B who I've been spending a considerable amount of time getting to know lately, and will be seeing again on Thursday.

The funny thing is, so many of the things that he's told me about his girlfriend are things that make her sound just like me. I'm sure there are lots of differences, but wow... It leaves me wondering why he wouldn't give something with me a shot.

He called (as usual) after he left and we talked while he drove home. He told me that tonight was the first time that he's come over and didn't feel like there was something underlying besides friendship. And it's true... when he walked in, and even as we visited, I saw him as my (very handsome) friend sitting there.

Anyway, while on the phone, he was asking me about my motivation with Bachelor B, since I don't see it as having the potential to be something long term. He kept asking "why" questions. In answering his questions, I almost ended up in tears. Not because of anything he said, just admitting my motivations out loud.

And now... I'm wishing that I just had a chance with him. Instead, I'm making plans to have dinner with him and his girlfriend within the next week or two. His friendship means a lot to me, and I'm not going to let the emotions get in the way... eventually I will actually find someone who rocks my world, and those what-if thoughts will go away permanently. I managed to banish them for almost a month this time, right? And really, I'm happy that he's happy with her. He deserves to be happy.

The plan is to keep pushing forward. Meeting people. Moving on. Eventually it will stick.

Right?