Don't Judge

When I am sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions with you, don't judge. The thoughts may be dark, yes. But your judgement almost guarantees that it will be a long time before I share again.

Still Alive...

Hi. I'm still here... Craving being here more. Wondering if maybe so much has changed that I should be writing privately... or even starting a new blog. All my blog links appear to never receive updates anymore. And I'm not sure if I'm still the same person I was when I stopped writing. I have gone from being so certain about who I am to wondering where I fit into the world again. But I like continuity... and not leaving pieces of myself all of the Internet.
Apparently some things never change... I am still musing "out loud"... :)
If anyone is still reading the drivel, let me know. xo

P.S. I just added the few blog posts I made in what was my new blog to this one... continuity.

Almost, but not quite...

A FB/blogging friend posted this as her FB profile pic the other day accompanied by a comment saying that this is how she feels about FB lately.

It made me question myself and the stuff I put on FB. Sifting through my timeline, it certainly does look like everything is roses and butterflies. My life is pretty fricking awesome, but not constantly. There are fights, sickness, friendships that suck at times, meddling family members, etc. etc. I really could go on and on. But really, that stuff is NOT what I'm going to share with everyone on the site. There's so much that just isn't meant for FB. At least, not in my world anyway. Heck, there's so much that I can't even put in my blog anymore.

Yes, my life is awesome. But not perfect. I'd rather my public face be a smiling one. I've been having more than my fair share of pity parties lately... some warranted, some not so much, but once I start running with them, it's hard to snap out of it. At least by showing the FB world my smiling face, it forces me to look for the positive... and there is a lot of it. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it does exist... :)

Proud Mama

Convo with BB in the car tonight...

Me: What letter does "movie store" start with?

BB: I don't know.

Me: Mmmovie store.

BB: Mooshie toh tarts with M!!

This blew me away. We also taught him to properly say "movie" during this convo. A very impressive night. :)

Here I am again...

So the old blog has been hidden... MB picked up my iPad over the holidays and started reading one of my open tabs. He didn't like what he read. I tucked it away out of respect for him. It hurts to have abandoned it. But I'll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.

I highly doubt this new blog will be a suitable replacement for me, emotionally, but I need SOMETHING. I just need to try to not share anything about him or his boy. Not easy for me, since they are a huge part of my life.

To try put a positive spin on this, I have a new life now... a new blog seems appropriate... although I think my story is far more interesting when the past five years are in the same place. I feel like I'm a survivor... but now my story is tucked away.

New Year, New Bio...

MB discovered my blog on my iPad on Jan. 1 and started reading... I have nothing to hide (obviously) but it did leave me feeling a little self conscious.

The only thing he really said was that my bio was out of date. "You're not single." Right. OLD bio... not updated since BG was born. So, it's updated now. As usual, I don't think I really care for my wording, and it doesn't really "capture" all of me, but again, as usual, I'm on a time crunch.

Tonight's bedtime convo

Me: What made you happy today?
BB: My puzzles made me happy.
Me: Did anything make you feel sad today?
BB: Nothing made me feel sad.
Me: Did anything make you feel angry today?
BB. Nothing made me feel angry.
Me: What made you excited today?
BB: My cousins made me excited!
Me: Awww. What made you feel loved today?
BB: You made me feel loved.

BB=3yrs+7mos

I hate complaining...

...yet I feel like I do it a lot.

Today's complaint? Our kids just came home last night for their week with us. BB had a huge breakdown when I picked him up from our sitter's last night... he wanted nothing to do with me. He wanted his daddy. He wanted the sitter. He DID NOT want mommy. We worked through it and he was in better spirits by the time we arrived home. But those 10-15 minutes were scary. That was nothing that I've ever seen from my BB before. He and I are so very connected. I think he was angry with me for being away for a week. *sigh* It's not my choice, but he doesn't understand that, nor does he need to know all the pain I am feeling.

Anyway, all that isn't even my complaint. My complaint is that it is 9am on Saturday morning. The kids are all home with MB while I sit in the ER with a very scary looking bladder infection or UTI. Why couldn't I get sick while the kids were away? My time with them is precious and we were going to do lots of Christmas stuff today... I need to be with BB and make sure he's okay And instead I'm sitting here alone.

Clearly I'm tired and emotional... I have a total pity party going on here. Party on.

All the good

I'm short on time, but it's high time I post an update about
everything that is going on in my life…

• At the end of September, MB because very sick very suddenly.
Luckily, BB and BG were on a sleep-over at my parents' place at the
time, so only OB was at the house (and he was immersed in a video
game, and didn't realize anything was wrong until I was in a position
that I could sit down and explain things to him.) It was all
incredibly scary, but he seems to have recovered just fine. During the
experience, I kept it together, stayed calm, and was able to take
control of the situation. I'm actually quite proud of how I dealt with
it. Oddly enough the entire experience seemed to further strengthen
our relationship. During all of this, I was also reminded that I am
surrounded by wonderfully supportive people… my parents, N, XH, and my
manager at work.
• At the end of October, MB and I went to Cayo Coco, Cuba! It was my
first trip on a plane! Heck, it was even my first time swimming in
salt water! We had so much fun… Time on the beach, deep sea fishing, a
day on a catamaran, a jeep adventure where we got to on speed boats,
visit a crocodile farm and even hold baby crocodiles. (Shortly before
we went away, BB told me that he wanted to pet a crocodile. I told him
that no, you can't pet a crocodile, because they're not friendly…
little did I know that I'd be holding a 2 year old croc just a couple
weeks later!) We spent lots of time just relaxing on our balcony with
drinks, talking, planning, passing out… haha.
• A couple of days into our Cuban vacation, we were at the beach. I
was out in the water splashing around and MB was on the beach. After a
short while he joined me in the water and asked me to marry him. I
initially thought that he was asking me again if I would marry him
someday if he asked. Finally he had to say, "For real this time!" I
was so excited. As we were hugging in the ocean and talking about it,
he suddenly says, "You still haven't said yes!" Hehe! Yes, yes, yes, a
million yeses! He didn't have an opportunity to get a ring, but he
picked up a souvenir Cuba seashell ring earlier in the morning that he
gave to me as a makeshift ring. I thought he had bought it for OB… I
had no clue it was for me. I've been wearing it on my thumb, since it
falls off my ring finger. I'm sooo excited about this. Our plan is to
get married in Cuba in January 2013. I'll probably write more about
that another time.
• As a result of XH taking the kids extra last month (due to MB's
illness, our sitter being on vacation, and then our vacation), XH
decided that he could handle having BB & BG 50% of the time… This has
been very hard for me. It's great for the kids, I think. It's great
for XH, and it's great for my relationship with MB. It's nice to have
some down time… but it's very very hard on me as Mom. This week was
their first official week with their dad, and I'm dying to pick them
up tonight. I'm very glad that my children have a father who wants to
be involved though… they are very lucky. And I'm very glad that his
attitude towards being a parent has changed so dramatically. He's a
great dad and they will benefit greatly from being with him half of
the time.
• We're already planning our next vacation – We're heading to the
Dominican in March! It seems that we've been bitten by the travel bug!
• This weekend we're celebrating OB's 11th birthday with a family
party. It will be the first time our families have met. His family is
very different from mine… this should be interesting. It's good
though, because we'll all be heading to Cuba together in a little over
a year!
• We're smack dab in the middle of a basement reno. The entire
basement has been gutted and is being completely refinished. So far
it's looking amazing. Half of the basement will be kind of like our
get-away area… a huge bedroom, master bath, and a large walk-in
closet. At the moment though, we're sleeping on the couch, and are
very tired most of the time. We're living in even more chaos than
usual… it's very trying. But I think it will be worth it in the end.
:)

I'm out of time… this has been briefer than I'd like, but there's been
so much going on that there's no way I could possibly try to convey
the emotion associated with it all. I am happy. I am loved, and I
love. Everything is amazing. :)

(No time to proof... forgive me!)

Crazy Bitch

Do you ever sometimes wonder if you're losing your mind? It seems that
the past few months, I keep doing things that are completely out of
character for me… it almost always seems to involve MB and it always
seems to create some sort of drama between us.

This week's bout of craziness was pretty terrible… and I hurt MB in
the process too, which I feel terrible about, and can't stop beating
myself up over. It seems like I get into these weird places where I
find myself being mean to him or accusing him of doing things that
he's not doing.

I'm chalking this most recent episode up to being because of baggage
due to the nature of my breakup with XH, and I'm intending on talking
to someone about it… but still, it seems lately, like I keep doing
things that are completely out of character and that don't even
remotely reflect how crazy I am about MB.

My hormones seem to be out of whack though… My cycle is no longer
regular like it had been for the last year and a bit, and I'm suddenly
lactating again. So I wonder if maybe I'm going through some sort of a
hormonal change and that might be what is causing the issue… (before
anyone reading starts jumping to conclusions, no, I am definitely NOT
pregnant.)

Aside from these weird things I've been doing, life has been pretty
sweet… All the good stuff belongs in a separate post though. I just
needed to write this bit to get it off my chest… because I kind of do
feel like I'm going a bit crazy. I've felt crazy before… depressed
crazy. That's not how I feel now. Now I feel like I go through these
episodes where I'm suddenly no longer me… I think I'm me at the time,
but then the next day, or a few days later I'm left wondering who the
hell was possessing my body and was treating MB so poorly. Batshit
crazy.

Almost seven months have passed...

...since I first met MB, and I'm still completely obsessed with him. I feel like he's constantly on my mind… I don't know if this is normal, but it is definitely good. And amazing.

 

Lately I've been trying to figure out why the depth of love I feel for him feels different than anything I've ever experienced before. Perhaps it's that all "new" love feels this way? Each new love is always deeper and more intense than anything that ever came before, right? Even with this knowledge, I still feel like this is more than that.  All I can come up with is that he's the first person who wants to accept everything I am offering. Looking back, I always felt like I wanted to give more but it was never really wanted or desired. Eventually I would stop trying to give and then would simply co-exist with the person.

 

I constantly crave his attention and affection, our chats on the deck, and our declarations of love for one another. I appreciate his honesty (even when it hurts), and the fact that he is who is he is… there's no façade or phoniness.

 

When we are around other people our energy often seems to take over the room. I can feel it… some people are drawn to it, others seem uncomfortable with it.

 

His son and I seem to be bonding… for a long while I wondered if it would really happen. Recently I've been thinking of myself as having three kids… not just two. I recently ran into friends at a store. I had all three kids in the shopping cart. My friends asked where I picked up the third kid. I felt weird saying, "This is MB's son", yet calling him my step-son out loud feels very presumptuous of me. I need to give his son a name for when I reference him in this space… Perhaps OB would work… My Baby Boy and my Oldest Boy…

 

Speaking of Baby Boy, this past weekend things seemed to change between him and OB… Rather than BB always seeming like a victim to OB picking on him, BB started fighting back… and instigating! The whole situation was irritating, the way it always is, but it made me feel like I didn't always have to jump in to defend BB. If he's going to start a fight with OB, he'll need to learn how to handle that fight. Obviously we'll jump in if things get out of control or too rough… but if it's simply a matter of the boys getting into a "Yes! No!" game, they can sort it out. I have the funniest picture of me and the boys next to the bonfire in our yard last Saturday night. I'm smiling into the camera with OB on my lap wrestling with BB who is on my other side. It definitely seems to capture the chaos in our lives.

Chapters

Writing in this space feels so odd now. I want to write. I want to share all of the good in my life. I want to gripe about the odd thing that in the big scheme of things doesn't really matter. I want to share my insecurities, as well as the things that I am certain of. I want to share all the funny and sweet things BB and BG say and do. I want to share some of the meaningful things that MB says to me that turn me into goo.

 

But at the same time, I don't want to share it. I want to keep it all to myself… wrap myself up in it. Maybe even protect myself from being hurt by not sharing. I fear though that I'll someday forget all of these warm fuzzies… BB getting ready for bed and giving me a hug and asking if I'm happy. …BG wrapping her arms tight around my neck, and pressing her cheek to mine before I put her to bed. …MB's boy telling me that he loves me while I give him snuggles in his bed while he's sick. …MB sending me messages over Skype while he's away telling me that his life would not be complete without me and that he wants to age with me.

 

I once again have more than many people could ever believe possible. A couple years ago thought I had everything… And then it felt like I had lost so much. But now… now it feels like I truly do have everything.

 

I've never felt love like this before. I've never felt or given this depth of devotion to anyone before. I've never felt this loved before. I feel like every bit of love I feel towards him, he reciprocates. I don't know if I've ever truly been loved prior to this. But now I feel loved. I see the way he sometimes looks at me… I've never seen love in someone's eyes before now. I often see it at what feels like the strangest times… when I'm drunkenly singing… or making him a late-night grilled cheese sandwich… It makes no sense, yet it makes perfect sense.

He tells me he wants to marry me. That he will marry me. That he's never wanted to be with someone the way he wants to be with me. I'm not pushing for anything. Do I want to marry him? Yes. With all of my heart. Will I ask that he marry me? No. Will I pressure him to marry me? Definitely not. Prior to him telling me that he wanted to marry me, I felt indifferent… I recall a telephone conversation early on where we both said we'd only ever marry (again, in my case) if there was something very special about the other person. I feel like I've found my very special person… the person I thought never existed. The person I thought couldn't possibly exist. I want to scream from mountaintops that I love him and that I'm his girl.

 

Today I received my official divorce judgment… dated August 10. It's over. I'm free to move on. Sure, I've already moved on, but now I have closure. I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I took control of a situation that I felt I had no control over. When I was reviewing the documents prior to signing them last month, I had a moment of difficulty looking at my marriage certificate one last time. I remembered the small snow storm that day and our handful of friends that were there with us. I remembered hoping that we were doing the right thing, but knowing that it could be undone if it wasn't. Sounds awful now… 

 

As usual, I have no idea what the future holds, but I've finally closed that chapter. I'm not sure how this new one will unfold, but I hope it doesn't end for a very very long time…. I'm looking for a happy ending this time – for all of us.

 

Blah

I'm tired, sad, and lonely. It's a bit pathetic, actually. MB has an unexpected work trip this week and was supposed to be back by this weekend. His one week trip has now turned into a two week trip, and he won't be back until late next week. To make it even worse, I haven't heard his voice since Monday night because he's been so busy... We've been exchanging quick emails, but it isn't the same.

I'm aching for him. I want to hear his voice... feel his arms around me... the weight of his leg on me as we "huggle" all night. I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears for two days now. I'm assuming it's just hormones making me feel so ridiculously emotional.

I'm keeping my mouth shut about how I feel. He has enough stress, I don't want to add to it. By this time next week we'll be on the home stretch...

Life as I know it

Most of this is stolen/paraphrased from emails I've sent to XH and N today… but I love it all so much that I figured this would be a good place to permanently record it.

 

The other night on the way home I had this conversation with BB:

BB: Mommy, I have good idea. I'm going to watch Thomas the Train while you make supper!

Me: No, honey. Supper won't take very long to make and besides, we don't watch TV on weeknights.

BB: NO MOMMY! IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA! IT'S A GOOD IDEA!

Me: I didn't say it was a bad idea, honey. I'm just saying that you're not watching TV.

 

Last night at bedtime BB was playing with BG's toy boat in the tub. He had it on the side of the tub and was splashing everywhere, and was crowding me while I was trying to bathe BG. I asked him to back off a few times and he didn't listen. Finally I lost my temper, grabbed the boat and threw it across the bathroom. He instantly started bawling. I mean BAWLING. And in between his sobs, he told me that I hurt his feelings. :( GAH. I felt like a piece of POOP. After his bath, as I was drying him off, I gave him a kiss. He said, "That made my feelings feel good." And then he went off to play with LWD. He came back into the bathroom as I was dressing BG and said, "LWD didn't hurt my feelings!" Apparently he's becoming very self-aware. That's my boy. :)

 

K & A gave BB a book called "Melvin Might" for his birthday. (It kind of sounds like "Melsha My" when he says the name of the book.) It's about Cement Mixer Melvin, and his friends Rescue Rita (an ambulance), Payloader Pete, and Jack Truck. Melvin worries about everything. A bridge is being built, but it isn't finished yet. Payloader Pete & Jack Truck decided to jump over the ravine-esque hole that the bridge is being built over. Melvin worries that he won't be able to make the jump, so he doesn't try. Rescue Rita tries to make the jump and falls in. Long story short, Melvin faces his fears and rescues Rita, saying "I can try!" the whole time.

 

BB LOVES this story. We've read it every night at bedtime since his birthday party. He sleeps with it every night and reads it at night as he's going to sleep and when he wakes up in the morning. Last night after BG went to bed, BB was lying on the couch reading it while I did some chores. And no word of a lie, he was READING IT. Word for word. In his sweet little voice, the words rolling off his tongue. I snuck up behind him to determine if what I thought I was hearing was really true, and yep, sure enough, he was saying all the words to the story. Obviously he wasn't actually reading the book, but he does have the entire thing memorized. A few times he actually pointed at the words while he was saying them. N came over for a visit a short while later and he read it to her as well.

 

After he read it the first time I said to him, "BB, I'm so proud of you!" And he responds with, "I'm proud of you too, Mommy!"

 

As I mentioned earlier this week, MB was away for work this week… his original plan had been to either come home last night after he finished work, or to wait and drive home today. He got sick on Monday, so Tuesday night he told me he was definitely waiting until today to come home, because he didn't want to be up all night driving while he felt so bad. Last night I worked around the house unpacking, etc. until about 11:30... at that point I was practically falling asleep on my feet. I still hadn't heard from him, so I figured he was out with some work people. I emailed him and asked him to call whenever he got back to the hotel, went to bed and instantly passed out. At 1:30, LWD started ruffing next to me in bed. I told him to be quiet. This went on for a few minutes. Then I heard footsteps upstairs and LWD flew off the bed and ran to the stairs barking his head off. I was freaking thinking that either a raccoon had somehow gotten into the house or that BB had gotten out of bed and was roaming around. I got up to check on things and when I got to the bottom of the stairs I saw that the kitchen light was on... I completely was panicking; knowing that neither BB nor a raccoon could reach the light switch, it HAD to be that someone had broken into the house. I was like, "Helloooo?" as I was going up the stairs... thinking that I should have brought along a weapon with me. (I have no idea what I would have used as a weapon though!) When I got to the top (and once I was brave enough to look), there was MB standing in the kitchen! :) No word of a lie, it never once occurred to me that it could be that he had come home early! Once I realized it was MB and that everything was fine, my whole body started shaking. I had seriously been freaking out. Definitely a good surprise though. Sooo in love. :)

 

Co-habitation

MB "officially" moved in last weekend. By officially, I mean we emptied out his house and moved it all into my house. I'm excited and feeling positive about the future we are working on building together. He had been at my house pretty much non-stop for a few weeks prior to the "official" move.

What has changed since the move? I feel like I have a real family for the first time ever. Not that XH, BB and I weren't a family, but it didn't have this feeling. The other thing that has changed is that for the first time since I've had my own place, my house feels like a home.

There are a lot of adjustments… I've never tried so hard at a relationship. Once upon a time I would have said that you shouldn't have to try at a relationship, but I feel differently now. Children throw a whole new dynamic into the whole thing. Compromises need to be made on everything from parenting styles to TV watching to the type of food we eat. Butter vs. margarine has become a debate that we joke about but yet it feels like we're both a bit sensitive about it.

Even though I know better, I have moments where I feel like I'm the one making all of the compromises, but then there's mornings like today and I'm reminded that no, he's making big ones too. The alarm went off at 6:00. I hit snooze at and it went off again at 6:09. I had to shower, get the kids up, dressed, and fed, make my lunch and be out the door in an hour. I told MB that we had to get up right away because we slept in later than we should have. He asked for just 15 minutes more of sleep because he had been awake since after 4:00… The baby monitor and my phone had kept him awake. (I forgot to turn off my phone last night and my mother was commenting on my FB pictures in the night and my phone kept notifying me of her comments.) Normally I would tell him to go ahead and stay in bed, but there was no way I would make it make it to work on time without his help, so I told him no, I needed him to get up. He seemed shocked and upset. It's hard to blame him since he has an all-day drive ahead of him today and being tired for it wouldn't be good. So when I saw he was upset, I told him fine, stay in bed, I'll just be late for work (if you know me, you'll know what a HUGE deal that would be. I've worked here for 13 years and I've probably only been late twice.) He said no, that he would get up. I headed upstairs to get the kids up and dressed, expecting that he probably would fall back to sleep and I really would be late for work. But no, by the time I had them dressed he was up and working on breakfast for me in the kitchen. He's used to sleeping in and getting up when he's rested… not being slammed into reality at 6am. In my world, it doesn't matter if I didn't sleep at all that night. If the kids are up, I need to be up. End of story. Throw work into the mix (I can't just walk in whenever I feel like it and make up the time later – that isn't type of culture we have) and I really have no choice but to get up and get moving.

He does so much for us… he prepares most of our meals. Even though he's going to be away this week, he prepared extra food last night for us to eat this week while he is away. I'm not used to having someone take care of me like this. He has encouraged me to strengthen my relationship with my parents… It had really deteriorated over the past few years. The past two weekends that I've had the kids, we've spent time with them on both days. I get a day to either sleep in or take a nap on the weekends that we have the kids. This is something I've never had before. Sure, I haven't really taken advantage of it, but that's my own fault. :) He will stay with the kids so I can run errands, and he's even become okay with changing BG's diaper so I can be away for longer. I can rely on him. He's there when I need him to be. This is huge.

BB & BG have really bonded with him – BG especially. This makes making it work seem even more important. I do not want to be the mother who brings men in and out of her children's lives. I can see now how easily it happens… everything is justified. You try to be positive that this one is the one.

I'm a bit sad that I won't have the same bond with MB's son. He's older than my kids, so it's too late to really form any sort of a parental bond with him. I'm finding it hard to get close to him, even though I desperately want to develop a connection with him. I don't want to push it though, so I kind of hang back… try to take opportunities when they arise. Sometimes I need a push from MB… a reminder that I need to try. MB claims that his son really likes me. I hope it's true. On the weekends that we have kids, we have all three of the kids. This past weekend though, we only had mine as his guy is away with his mom. It felt so weird not having him around… I really missed him. I think that's a good sign.

We're living in a period of adjustment right now. We're trying to get his stuff unpacked and our house settled. We're looking at having renovations done so that he and I have a proper bedroom and family room. We're learning and building a new life together. This is huge.

Still alive... really

My online presence has been practically non-existent recently. Emails are going unanswered, tweets are few and far between, and my blog now goes weeks without an update. Oddly enough though, my FB usage seems to be increasing a bit. But the reason for this just occurred to me… on FB I don't feel like I'm doing anything behind MB's back. Not that I should feel like my emails/tweets/blog are things I'm doing behind his back – he knows I use email (hahaha), he knows I have a blog and tweet, but those are all things he doesn't see. Hrmmm… that really wasn't the point of this post at all, but as usual, once I start to write the connections form in my head and things start to make sense.

So, back to my original ramble…

Life is busy. Between working, taking care of the kids, keeping house, and spending time with MB, my life is full to the max. …and I'm happy. And I know I've mentioned before, I write less frequently when I'm happy. It's harder to share the good than it is to share the bad. I always want to keep the good to myself… revel it in… bask it in like a fat cat lying in a spot of sunlight. :) And there's less emotional junk to sort through when I'm happy, so there's less of an internal push to utilize this outlet.

All of that said though, I don't want to give up this space entirely… although so much of what I have shared here seems like it belongs to someone else. Even the initial stuff with MB seems crazy. Things are so natural and comfy now… As I often do, I have the urge to hide away all of the old junk. Why expose anyone new to all of that craziness? However, I feel like I have to be true to myself… all of that is a part of how I got to this place.

What is this place? It's a place where I'm in love, and I am loved in return. I can't begin to adequately describe my feelings toward him. I feel fiercely protective of him… I hurt at the idea of doing anything that could hurt him. I don't recall feeling like this ever before. He's there for me when I need him... that is huge. We're planning our futures together… making plans to move in together, figuring out the best way to make it happen while keeping the children's best interests in mind. It's a lot… but I'm excited for the future. I'm quite certain I wasn't before. I was happy, but just go-with-the-flow happy… not really looking forward to anything. I feel like I'm part of a team… We both have the ability to give and receive. In previous relationships I feel like I have done far more of either one or the other.

I once thought that I didn't care if I ever was married again. When I was dating people and the topic came up, I was usually indifferent. "Well, I suppose if met the right person I'd be willing to consider it if they really wanted it." But that's changed… I've found someone that I want that with. It doesn't have to be tomorrow (and legally, it can't be) but I want it. I will not push for it though… I did that last time and we all know how that ended. If he really wants to be with me for the long haul, it will happen… and I believe it's best if it happens on his terms. He actually floored me a week or two ago… I was simply making him a grilled cheese sandwich one night and he appeared at the island in the kitchen and asked me if I'd marry him someday if he asked me. I almost cried… the idea of someone loving me enough to want that with me… it's huge. He asked the same thing again last weekend too. I hope that if the time comes that he does ask me, I won't know it's coming… I want to be surprised. I want what I've never had before. Strangely enough, it feels like I was only married in theory the first time… I want the real deal this time around… he needs to want it as much as I do.

I do know one thing… what I have with him is definitely unlike anything I've ever had before. Emotionally, sexually… it's all there and it's all different and wonderful. There's nothing I would change. I feel like I've found my best friend… the person I belong with. When we're together it feels like home. I'm so attached to him. He's so easy to be with.

He's away this week for work… only three sleeps. I feel like a part of me is missing. It's the week he is supposed to have his son, so we wouldn't have seen each other quite as much anyway… but knowing he's not just down the road leaves me missing him even more.

Everything isn't all rainbows and butterflies… We do have tough times. The three kids can be trying. There's some jealously/rivalry going on that I hope will work out over time… The weekends when we're all together have some tough moments… but when we're not all together, it doesn't feel quite right. Our extended families will never mesh the way mine and XH's did. My family hides behind fake smiles and unsaid words. His family doesn't seem to hide a lot… not a bad thing, but not what my family is accustomed to.

So… other random updates:

BG is walking now, almost exclusively. I expected her to be walking much much earlier, considering how mobile she was from such an early age, but no, she was content to crawl up until the last few weeks. She's still a petite little girl, and is wonderfully happy but very determined. She has MB wrapped around her little finger, and has already perfected the face that will make him do whatever she wants. Hehe. She says Na-na now for banana, and has been saying "up" and "yeah" (with an emphatic head nod) for a while now.

BB is growing up so fast. His speech is improving a lot. Others still need me to translate a lot, but it's definitely getting better. He's dealing with all of the changes in his life really well. He is so much like me… very emotionally driven, a bit unsure of himself, but confident when he knows something inside and out. He loves order, routine, and rules. He wants to know each day who is picking him up from daycare, and needs to know which house he will be spending the night at. He knows that Tuesdays he goes to "daddy's house" but he doesn't know which days are Tuesdays. And he is in love with MB's little white doggy. He has really started warming up to MB over the past few weeks… they've been cooking together in the kitchen and reading some stories together. BB now can't wait to give him goodnight lovin's, the same way he gives to everyone else who is important in his life.

XH and I are still close but we now have to schedule lunch dates in order to see each other. Because BG can now spend the weekends at his place, he no longer hangs out at the house with us. I miss hanging out with my friend, but this is how I expected things would go as the kids got older. When we go out to lunch it feels like there isn't enough time to share all of the stories about the kids plus all of our own stories about our lives. But I guess that's the same with any friendship, right? Our divorce will finally happen as soon as he receives his income tax assessment… I'm annoyed that it's taking so long. I just want it over with and behind me.

I've pretty much pushed H out of my life… and I feel a lot of guilt over it. I sometimes try to justify the guilt ("Hey, he did the same thing to me.") but I try not to do that because that doesn't make it right. I think it probably appears to him that we've drifted apart, and really, it's what's happened, but I feel like I've done a bit of extra pushing to make that happen. I recall the whole "friend 'til the end" thing, and if he needed something, I'd be there for him. But, it's been apparent that MB wasn't comfortable with our friendship. Theoretically, I should be able to say, "You need to trust me." However, if the tables were turned, regardless of the amount of trust I have for him, I'd still not be comfortable with him being close with an ex that he has the level of history with that I have with H. So I guess this makes me a bad friend… but… my choice has been made. It's shitty that I needed to make that choice, but I feel like it was necessary. Our friendship has been reduced to occasional texts to check in and a phone call every two or three weeks.

My only real "complaint" right now is that I seem to have lost all of the self restraint that I had way too much of not very long ago. I've gone from being far too uptight and self-righteous with everything to being almost reckless at times. I went three years without drinking… now I'm drinking more nights than not. I was careful about what I ate… choosing unprocessed foods as often as possible, eating things like bread in moderation, etc. Now, although I'm eating a greater variety of healthy foods, I feel like I'm also consuming a lot of things I've stayed away from for a long while… I'm eating a lot of bread now and that makes me fat. I hadn't eaten deli meat in at least a few years, and now I find myself putting it on pizzas and even in lasagnas. I spent the last year and a half being very frugal and actually saving up a bit of money. Now I'm going though it faster than I earn it. I really need to turn this around… I'm constantly broke, I feel like I'm getting fat again, and I don't feel as healthy as I used to. I really seem to live my life in extremes.

So yeah, that's where I'm at… overall everything is good. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this ride leads… :)

Damn you, braces!

After returning to work from having lunch with XH today, I said to my buddy C, "I have the best ex ever!" ...referring to the fact that he treated me to lunch. L burst out laughing because she heard me say, "I have the best sex ever!"

Happily gushing

I was supposed to go to the gym today at lunch. The gym in my office building sucks though. It's slowly falling apart. My motivation to make it there was quickly devoured by a sudden pile of things that landed on my desk around the same time I intended to go, followed by a growly tummy that demanded food.

So then I told myself I'd hit the treadmill tonight. I was on my way. Really. Then Stephen called for a chat. (You're welcome for the link to your blog.) After gushing to him for half an hour about how wonderful my beau is, I now only want to eat cookies and think happy thoughts about him. Him being my beau, not Stephen. Not that Stephen isn't nice and all... but it would be weird to sit around thinking happy thoughts about him when I'm smitten with someone else.

Tomorrow I'm joining the gym. A real gym. Maybe this will motivate me to start working out again? Or maybe it will just give me one more thing to feel guilty about not having the time for?

...

I just tried recapping how fantastic this past weekend was... The five of us under the same roof together, but it all sounded incredibly 2D. The weekend recap will just have to stay in my memory for as long as possible. I don't want to cheapen any of it by trying to share it without being able to convey the proper feeling behind it.

When we're together, to me, it feels like we're a team. XH and I used to parent well together, and we still do, but looking back, it feels more like I was bossing him around and he learned to anticipate my orders. (Feel free to correct me, XH, if you think that's not accurate.) It's different with MB... and I find it hard to explain. He's thinking of things that haven't even crossed my mind. He's anticipating the kids' needs before I am. He's so very wonderful.

A few moments from this weekend that I know I'll keep forever...

- MB's son and BB playing together with my exercise ball. Progress.

- Walking into the living room after my shower and finding BB snuggled up on the couch with MB.

- MB holding BG at my parents' place while she crammed pie into her mouth. This made for an adorable pic of the two of them. :)

This weekend was a wonderful taste of what life will be like for the five of us together. Not always easy, but definitely worth it.

I feel secure in this relationship... going back and reading some of my posts from early on makes me shake my head. I think that I knew that we had potential to have a great relationship but I was so afraid of blowing it. Now I'm less worried about "blowing it" and more concerned about building something special with the person I love.

My only real insecurity at this point is that I'm taking more than I'm giving. He is giving me so much, it feels like nothing I say or do could possibly compare.

I feel so lucky to have found this connection with such an amazing guy.

Little reminders

There's so much that I want to write about, but as usual lately, I don't have the time.

One quick thing that I need to record while I am thinking of it though...

I walked into the bathroom a short while ago and noticed five toothbrushes in the holder. Funny how things like that can make my heart sing... Little reminders that there is so much more in my life than there was just a couple of months ago.

I'm in a good place and feel so very fortunate.

In love

I'm quite certain I'm in love. This weekend changed everything. Parts of it were a reality check (this isn't always going to be easy) but I know that we can make it work. Other parts of the weekend were pure bliss. At times the difficult times and the blissful times were happening together.

I'm still amazed by all of this. So many misunderstandings prior to six weeks ago.

Has it really only been less than six weeks? It feels new, yes, but it also feels so very comfy.

I've never felt like such an important part of my significant other's life before.

I have a hard time recording my happiness here... I avoid writing about the good times for fear that I'll someday look back and regret running with the feeling. But that's what love is about, right? Taking a chance. It's like an investment - the biggest payoff comes from the greatest risk.

I'm keeping the fact that I love him to myself... letting him set the pace. I don't want him to feel pressured about anything. In the meantime, I can keep telling him how much I like him.

I am looking forward to what the future will bring.