Unhealed

Apparently I either have some sort of a gift to see the future or I "get" how certain people are wired. I totally called it. (I'd like to think it's a gift, but no, I know its just that I understand human nature. It's that whole thing where I'm always putting myself in everyone else's shoes.)

Anyway, as I was about to plug my phone into the car to listen to some tunes on the way into town today, my phone alerted me to the fact that H had sent me a FB message. I quickly read it, and then hit the road because I was worried I'd be late. I spent the entire trip living in my dream world... the one where they break up and he decides he's been a fool, begs for forgiveness (which I of course immediately grant, because I've never been able to say no to him), and we actually give a real relationship a go. (I'm not looking for the world here. Just a shot, that's all.) Twelve days ago I had pretty much banished such silliness from my head. And one message brings it all back.

I considered not replying. But I knew that the only reason I was considering it was to see if it encouraged him to try harder. That's playing games. I keep saying that I don't want to do that. So I replied a few minutes ago. Kept it quite short. Congratulated him on a recent accomplishment that he shared with me and thanked him for his compliments (apparently my new profile pic on FB wowed him.) It was a guarded message, similar to how I feel whenever he makes contact.

Maybe I should have just ignored it, but I need to be true to who I am. If I'm only ignoring it to get a rise out of him, then that's not the right thing for me to do. I keep saying I want to at least be friends... ignoring an attempt on his part isn't being a friend. Maybe eventually we'll have a real friendship. At least he's attempting to keep in touch... although, I suspect he's doing it from work now so that she doesn't know. Some FB creeping on her profile tells me that they're definitely back together (her profile pic of the two of them is an obvious giveaway.) So, once again I'm the secret friend.

Gah. I seriously need to move on. Now.

Why I Love Twitter

I created a Twitter account on July 3. It was one of my "goals" during this mat leave - check it out, see what all the fuss is about. It's been almost three months now and I'm loving it.

Because of Twitter...

- I have discovered Real Food Connections. This is a local company that delivers local food to your door. It's absolutely fantastic. I simply check out their website to decide what I want, drop a quick email to Levi on Tuesday, he confirms the delivery time with me, and by Thursday or Friday I have my order. My favourite thing has been the Kitchen Variety Box. It comes with fresh baked bread, jam or honey, locally made cheese, and a variety of local fruits and veggies. I love that the contents of the box is a surprise each week, and I enjoy coming up with meals that work with what is in the box. I can't say enough good things about this service. Here is a pic of everything that was in this week's box. (There had been five pears but BB devoured one as soon as Levi was out the door. And there were a few more little tomatoes too, but BB got his hands on them and decided to play smoosh the tomato before I realized what he was doing!)

- I have discovered Andy Brown. They made a video for a contest, and as with all contests now, fans were being encouraged to vote for Andy Brown's video. After seeing references to the contest and video appear in my timeline a few times, I finally checked out the video. It's cute, and the song is catchy. My next step was downloading both of their albums from iTunes. I'm loving them, and we've listened to them so much that Baby Boy now says, "Andy Brown!" (okay, so he says, "AndaBra") when the songs begin to play. Check out the video (it won the contest, BTW!) I keep checking iTunes to see if this song is available there yet, but no such luck so far.

- I've met some nice people through the site (both online and in real life.) Being at home 24/7 most days with the kids, it's nice to have a bit of adult conversation, and doing it quickly (under 140 characters) and at my leisure (i.e. when everyone is happy) works for me.

- I actually voted this year! The only time I've ever voted in the past was the very first election that I was old enough to vote in. I was living in Saint John and going to college at the time--a very very long time ago. Hearing people talk about the election piqued my interest. I followed along a bit more closely than I have since I was in school. I've never received a Voter Information Card, and via Twitter I heard that you could vote early at the returning office. So last week I made a visit to the office, registered and voted at the same time. If voting early hadn't been an option, I probably wouldn't have bothered.

- After voting I checked out an awesome consignment shop next door to the returning office. (Okay, so Twitter isn't what tipped me off to this place, but if it weren't for Twitter, I wouldn't have been at the returning office, and I wouldn't have gone to the store.) It's called FairyTale Things and I was able to pick up some fantastic clothes for the kids for very little cash. All of the clothes were like new, and they also carry some Melissa & Doug toys. Another great thing about this store is that there's room to push a stroller in the store. I've been to The Children's Place at the mall with a stroller before, and continually got it stuck on the racks and on boxes, etc. That wouldn't happen here. They also have a little play table set up so that the children can play while you shop. It was so exiting to find a place like this so close to home! As long as they stay in the area, I'll be back. Frequently.

I just realized that three of the five examples of why I love Twitter have encouraged me to spend money. But on the plus side, at least I'm supporting the local economy.

**I just posted this and noticed that the video is wider than the column... it looks terrible, but I need sleep. One more bit of imperfection in my imperfect world. ;o)

Bad Ex

XH sent me the link to this great little comic the other day. I think it's applicable to both of us. I especially love the "total douchebag" part, since that word seems to come up a lot in the pond. Enjoy!

Tales from the pond

There are a lot of odd ducks and lots of scum in the pond. I've been receiving messages from both ever since I took my first dip last November. Yes, there have been some great trout in the pond too, but those stories aren't nearly as amusing to me.

This is probably totally inappropriate of me, but whatever. I don't care. I'm going to share a few of my favourite inbox gems. Keep in mind that messages are only stored for 20 days, so all of these are recent.

"Hey Cutie
I am almost 29 years well built Indian guy looking for a girl to hang out and have fun. Would you like to join my company please !!"

Is he looking for a date or an employee?

"hey just though i would say hi hope your havin a good fri nite and your name now why is that . gymnastics or something dif .."

Imagine me as a gymnast. Or should I say imagin me as a gymnast on a fri nite?

"hELLO SWEETY NICE MEETING YOU ,IM JUST WONDERING IF OLD FELLA LIKE ME WOULD HAVE A CHANCE WITH YOU .i LOVE CHILDREN THIS LITTLE GUY WITH ME IS MY GRANDSON ISAIAH HE HAS OLDER BROTHER 4NAMED CASSIE AND I HAVE GRANDDAUGHTER 18 MONTHS SHE IS A LIVING DOLL,I WOULD BE GOOD LOYAL LOVER AND TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND BE LOYAL TO YOU."

Okay, I'm not going to go as far as to post this guy's pic, but the dude is wearing a dead animal on his head! Seriously! His granddaughter is a living doll? Creepy. Good loyal lover? I got chills when I read this part. Not the pleasurable kind.

For every 10 of these messages there might be one that is worth responding to. Perhaps these guys are great people, but they're not what I'm interested in. That first message from a guy needs to give me a glimmer of hope, not encourage me to mock the sender. I'm so tired of this game that I can't even be bothered sending a polite PFO to these guys.

A few other things about all of this silliness:

-Guys with kids in their pics (whether the kids are their kids or not) lose major points. Not cool.

-Guys who put pics on their profiles of themselves with their friends. I'd be uncomfortable knowing one of my friends posted a pic of me and him/her on a dating site.

-I've seen many profiles that say something like, "I can't be bothered filling this out. If you want to know anything about me, just ask." or "If I tell you about myself here, we won't have anything to talk about." There's nothing there to pique my interest to bother talking to them to find out more.

-I don't care what a guy's pet, vehicle, or favourite sunset looks like. Maybe if I get to know him, this stuff might interest me eventually, but until then, I don't want to see these pics as part of his profile. It's the guy I want to check out, not his dog.

-If a guy has a few extra pounds, he should just admit it. I've seen sooooo many guys on there who have picked "average" or "athletic" for their body type when their pics clearly indicate that they are neither. Although, in the world we live in, average really is a bit overweight, isn't it? But I don't think that's what is intended by average in this case since "a few extra pounds" is actually an option.

I'm sure women are probably guilty of these same offenses.

Maybe now that I've gotten this off my chest, my attitude will improve a bit. I doubt it though. I need to meet someone in real life.

Healing

So I feel like I'm finally finally finally getting over H. Finally.

But here's what I expect to happen within the next short while since I'm finally feeling this way. A phone call. A FB message. A MSN chat. Something. Because that's what seems to happen. I finally begin to let go, and then he makes contact, and I'm back to where I was. Perhaps I go back there with far more caution in my heart, but I return nonetheless.

This week, as I realized where I'm at, I considered sending him an email. I was planning on asking him not to bother contacting me again until he's able to honestly be a friend. I'm tired of the promises and being the person he chooses to befriend when there is no one else. I've spent a lot of time mentally writing this message to him. I've decided against actually contacting him because it will only add more drama to an already far too dramatic situation. But just writing this email in my head seems to have empowered me somewhat. I may still write it, but not send it. I often find it to be frustrating to write something that isn't going to be shared though (which explains the reason why I keep this public blog rather than a private diary.)

I had an ah-ha moment while reading a good friend's most recent blog post the other night. She wrote about the difficulty she faces with trusting people as a result of being burned in the past. It made me think about my same issue. I'm not sure how I can ever completely trust someone again. And that's a hard idea for me, since I tend to be quite trusting of the people I allow into my inner circle. It made me wonder if perhaps this is why I'm being so picky about who I choose to be with next. If I can't find the right person to be with, then I don't have to take the risk of trusting, right?

On my way home from an appointment this afternoon I had an interesting thought. I was filled with dread at the idea of having to come home again. I wanted to be anywhere but here. But then I thought of the babies, and I caught myself suddenly speeding to get home. And at that point it hit me... the discontent I'm feeling has nothing to do with them. It's from not getting out to stretch my legs. From not having any real "me" time. It has absolutely nothing to do with the children. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling this way now that I've had this realization.

A big day for BG

Today has been a milestone day for BG.

I knew that she was close to cutting her first teeth for quite some time now. Yesterday I noticed that the white bumps were so close to the surface that you could see the multiple little white bumps on each tooth. Today I'd stick my finger in her mouth periodically to feel for little bits of sharpness. Early this afternoon, all I could feel was her gums. By late this afternoon, I felt not one, but two teeth!

She and I are hanging out on our bed right now (well, our mattress.) A few minutes ago she grabbed my fingers and tried to pull herself up into a sitting position, so I helped her up. Once she was sitting, she used her feet to push herself into a standing position, simply using my fingers for support. I'm a bit shocked right now! We've repeated the game several times since. She's starting to get tired now though. My baby's growing up!

I want another! :)

Late night reflections

I just looked down at BG as she was laying in my lap, and I was suddenly hit with the realization that she is no longer a newborn. In fact, she's two weeks shy of six months, and has become quite sturdy. She's still smaller than BB was at this age, but she's definitely a beautiful, healthy little girl. It was the size of her head that really knocked the wind out of me. I'm quite certain her head alone is at least half the size she was when she was born.

Yesterday I was looking at her stretched out on her change mat and was astounded at how long she is now.

The past six months have been a blur. Six months ago today was Friday, March 12. Baby Boy had spent the day with his old babysitter so I could finish getting ready for BG's arrival. He wasn't feeling well when I picked him up. I checked his temperature when we arrived home and it was up. I gave him some Tempra. He gagged and vomited on me. I moved him into my bed and we hardly left that spot until he was admitted to the hospital five days later for four nights. Those nine days were hell. Then two weeks after he first became ill, BG made her rapid appearance. And the time since has passed on fast forward.

BB has matured so much since his hospital stay. At the time we were impressed that he would say "IV" and point to his arm or the IV pole. Now he repeats everything we say. "Are you a leprechaun?" "No leprechaun! BB!" while first waving his hands as he's saying no, then pointing to himself as he says his name. He tells me how to make coffee. He tells me how to make pancakes. He tells me that a truck just went by with a digger, and that it will dig a hole for a basement. Oh, and that truck goes "beep beep" when it backs up. "Truck a beep beep a back a up." He's my little chatter box and I love every minute of it. Some times it feels like I'm living with Rainman, but the thought just makes me chuckle. On weekends like this one when he's with is father, I miss having him to talk with.

And BG... well, she is such a happy, pleasant baby. She not only rolls back and forth now, but is slowly making her way across the room. I'm not certain how she's doing it but I blink and she's in a different spot, a few feet away from where I left her. I think it's a combination of wiggling and rolling. She's getting close to being able to sit up on her own. She can hold herself up for a moment before toppling over. Her legs are so strong. When you hold her, she wants to bounce bounce bounce in your arms. She now hangs out in the kitchen in her high chair, so she can see all the excitement. I'm mentally preparing to start her journey into solid foods. Although, she's already had a taste of pear. :) She wanted my pear, and it was a rather hard clapp pear, so I let her gum a piece of it. She really enjoyed the experience. I think the cold pear felt good on her gums. Her two bottom teeth are just below the surface. I expect any day that I'll be able to feel them peeking through.

BG and I went to town today and she got a lot of attention every where we went. The women working at the Superstore made a big deal over her, and she rewarded their attention with big gummy smiles, her eyes dancing the whole time. We stopped by Yoo China Curry House for take-out on our way home, and the customers and staff all gushed about what a gorgeous baby she is. And again, she shared the most brilliant smiles with them.

I see such a difference between BB and BG. From the start, BB has reminded me of myself. Intense, emotional... Emotional sounds negative. I don't mean it that way. He's a very "feeling" sort of person. He also seems to be setting expectations for himself already... when he was picking up his blocks the other day, he became upset that they were a mess when he put them back in their box. He seems to appreciate order, processes, and routine. BG seems like she's going to be a bit more relaxed and carefree. This is just a first impression, of course, but she definitely is showing more laid back tendencies than BB did at this age.

I feel like I'm going to lose these thoughts if I don't take a few moments to record them. The time is flying by. Another six months and I'll be starting work again. Once again, my heart breaks at the idea of someone else raising my children. Where is home? Is it with me? Is it with their father? Is it with their sitter? It's a combination of these three places. How can you feel secure when home is split between three places? If I were a child I think I would struggle with that. Perhaps since my children don't know any different, it won't be an issue? I think I'm just telling myself that to try to make myself feel better.

The plan... it had been for me to stay home with both of the children after my maternity leave was done. Obviously, that's no longer the plan. I have to work if I intend to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. Funny how someone else can change the plan, and my job is to roll with the punches and hold it all together. Create a new plan. Even if it is a shitty one.

I don't want to go down this road tonight though.

I just want to try to burn into my memory the picture of BG laying next to me on the bed... her long eyelashes, dark hair, round cheeks, tiny fingernails, and the dimple in her ear that makes it look like it's been pierced.

Too much time and emotional energy has been wasted over these past six months. Things I can't change. I'm still mourning losses. Letting go. Looking forward. It's a process.

I need to embrace what I have right now.

Time is precious.

A new hole in my head

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a crazy fear of the dentist. Well, not so much of the dentist, but of anyone or anything touching or potentially hurting my teeth.

I think it all started in grade two when I broke one of my front teeth. But looking back now, I once remember falling "up" the stairs at a friend's house and driving my teeth into my lip. I was upset and I think my mom was even more upset. I'm quite certain my dislike of stairs came from that incident, so perhaps it was also the foundation for my tooth paranoia.

Anyway, that tooth that was broken never aligned with my other teeth, and my bottom teeth are also quite crooked. People tell me that they never noticed, but I can't help but feel they're full of shit. But that's probably just because I've been self conscious about the whole thing for so many years.

Earlier this year I decided it was time to do something for me. After being kicked so many times, I needed an improvement to look forward to. The thing that cinched it was the whole Bell's Palsy thing. I figured if it didn't completely clear up, my face would be asymmetrical, and I'd be self conscious about that. I didn't want to have to be self conscious about my teeth too. And if it did clear up, and I went ahead with the ortho work, I'd end up being one hot mama. :)

The Bell's Palsy did get much better (I'm still seeing small improvements, and I'm still not "good as new", but definitely not self conscious about it now) and the braces went on my top teeth earlier this month. To say I was scared shitless is an understatement. But once they were on, I was like, "Um... this is it? Well this isn't so bad!" Don't get me wrong - the experience of having someone playing with my teeth like that was not something I enjoyed. I'm still dreading having them put on my bottom teeth. But at least I know what to expect when they're ready to move to that step.

Part of my treatment is the extraction of 3 or 4 teeth. Two molars on top, and either two molars on the bottom or one of the front bottom teeth. Today I had the first one extracted. When my dentist and I were talking before the procedure, she expressed concern that she might break the wire on my braces during the extraction. I was already panicking, this moved me to completely panicking. But it didn't hurt. At all. Oh my, but the pressure. It was the molar next to my eye tooth on my right side. (Stick your tongue there - it's a small molar, right? Yeah, the gaping hole in my head disagrees with that now.) Anyway, as she was wiggling it back and forth to work it out, the pressure on my left front tooth was crazy. I might have been hyperventilating a little bit. Just a little. And during the wiggling she says, "We're going to go nice and slow because we don't want to break off any of the roots." OMFG.

I think my dentist (who I absolutely adore, in spite of her profession) was upset over the whole thing as well. She told me when I first arrived that it bothered her to have to remove a perfectly good molar that's never even had a filling, but she obviously understood that it needed to go to make room for the teeth that are crowded together at the front. It also seemed to bother her to know that she caused me to be so upset. I think she's dreading next Thursday's appointment for the second extraction almost as much as I am.

I've been seeing my dentist since I was 11. For the past 21 years, I've heard my mother say, "I'm not sure if I'd want to see her for an extraction. I'm not sure if she'd be strong enough to do it." So as I was mentally preparing for today, those words were ringing in my ears, adding to my paranoia that something would go wrong.

Throughout all of this, I'm trying to remind myself that these people are all professionals. They know what they are doing. My only job here is to follow their instructions regarding care, and to pay them for their talent. I don't need to worry or panic. But it's hard to remember that when it feels like your teeth might explode out of your head.

At least I now know what to expect next Thursday. Maybe it won't be so terrifying.

Does anyone have any recommendations for a small thank-you gift I can get for my dentist? I think she deserves it.

Willy-nilly

I bounce between being happy and being completely miserable. The happiness comes from the babies. The state of being miserable comes from within. I feel like I'm stuck at the moment. The timing isn't right to try to get out of the rut. BG needs me too much right now.

I get angry at myself for the self pity I feel a times. I watch XH carrying on with his life, meeting new people, forming new relationships, and I feel sad for myself. I know that I have something precious that he doesn't though. I remind myself of this. They won't be this age forever. I already know that I'm going to look back on this time and hate myself for not calming the fuck down and just enjoying the babies. (BB would correct me on this and tell me that no, he isn't a baby, he's BB, while pointing to himself.)

I've been alone for six months now. It feels like an eternity. The babies fill me with love, but there's still a big empty spot. I can't be physical with someone without emotion. Years ago I could but it's not how I'm wired now. If I was still that way, perhaps things would be simpler. Have the itch scratched and then resume my 24/7 parenting duties. Just thinking of it like that disgusts me.

Patience. I need to take a deep breath and savour every moment with the babies. Try to let go of all the other stuff. Push it back down. Focus on what's important. (But isn't fulfilling myself emotionally important? No, not as important as the babies. Must remember they are the priority.) Keep it together.

Visits

J was in town for the past couple of weeks. I hadn't seen him since late in 2000, maybe early 2001. And that was just so he could pick up a few CDs he had left with me when he moved away. So the last time we really spent any time together was in December 1999 when he came home for Christmas... what an effing disaster that was. I still have the baggage from that one. But that's another post.

Anyway, when I saw on MSN that he was in town, I suggested we get together at some point to catch up. But here's the thing I realized... ever since the time SG seemed to think it would be okay to try fooling around with me, and then called me a couple of weeks ago in hopes of getting laid, I'm uneasy inviting anyone over to my place. Well, anyone male.

Last time I talked with J was February. He kept saying that it was great to hear my voice, how good we had been together (WTF?!) but that we were just kids when we were together, blah blah blah. He was in the middle of a break up at the time, so I tried not to think much of it. But once I had invited him over I remembered that conversation and started to feel super paranoid that he was going to try the same thing SG did. Now, in J's defense, the guy doesn't have a player bone in his body. But still... If SG thought it was okay to try after 10 years, what's to say J wouldn't either.

After suggesting that J and I get together, I kept stalling on confirming a date/time. I knew time was running out, and he had told me that most of his other friends had bailed on him during this visit, so I finally invited him over this past Tuesday morning for coffee.

Thankfully, no, he didn't try anything. (As I type this, I realize that I must sound really pathetic or really full of myself... I'm not sure which.) I hadn't realized just how worried I had been about it though until XH was over the same night and I felt comfortable. There was no worry that he was going to suddenly jump on me unexpectedly. (I'm laughing my ass off at that idea.)

It's funny that it took the whole SG thing to make me feel this way, when an absolutely horrific experience from my youth didn't seem to leave me with this much paranoia. I think perhaps I've been trying to make sure that first experience didn't change how I conduct my social life. Treating it like an isolated incident, and keeping it in a tightly sealed box on a shelf. Sometimes I take it out of the box and examine it, but overall, it's best left on the shelf. Not that I don't wear the scars from it, I do. But I've never felt worried about unwanted advances from friends until now. I never thought that SG could leave me feeling this way. I'm sure it will pass. Like everything.

Old Emails

I had a request from H yesterday asking me to confirm that we had spent a particular evening together back in April. It caused me to go back and reread a bunch of emails from the April/May reconnection. Jesus. I was convinced we were just friends at the time. Yes, I felt more, but I knew better. After reading the emails I was left scratching my head wondering how it was that I didn't see that we really seemed to be in an actual relationship? The killer was an email from the beginning of May where he reminded me of the promise to always have me in his life and that if "she" made him choose between his friendship with me and a relationship with her, that I would be the choice. Lies.

At least rereading all the emails a few months later has left me feeling a little less crazy. I couldn't understand why it's been so hard to get over him when I knew we were just friends. It's making more sense now.

How do I get him off my mind though? It's been almost four months since he fell off the face of the earth. There was his reappearance a few weeks ago, but it didn't last long. He's been in touch via FB a bit this week, but it's been nothing profound. Nothing that would make me think he's even remotely interested. I've never had this much trouble letting go of anyone before. I haven't even seen him since May 6. *sigh*

I've had my socks knocked off by two people as soon as I saw them for the first time. XH and H. Electricity shot through my body instantly. Is it wrong of me to expect to find that a third time? H recently pointed out to me that since both of those failed, I should just give normal a chance. XH is also on the "give normal a chance" page. I feel like I need that connection though. The spark. The feeling of knowing.

I'm sure everyone is so sick of hearing about this. I'm sick of thinking about it. But aside from the children, I think of little else. I examine it from every angle. I remember the things he said. Then I go off on a tangent recalling all the lies I've been told over the last year by both H and XH. Wow. An entire year now since everything began. September. I still wonder what was the truth and what was a lie. I don't really want to know now. I never want to relive that again. Do people tell the truth, generally? Do they have good intentions, but they fail in the end?

Empathy is both my friend and my enemy. It's a huge part of who I am. But it also seems to cause me problems. Rather than just getting angry and moving on I put myself in the other person's shoes. I feel bad with them, whether they realize it or not. I understand where they're coming from and why they do the things they do. Why they hurt me. I get so lost in feeling what I feel and feeling for them that I seem to chase my tail around in circles.

This is in my head tonight. Some of the lines are so very applicable...

Insensitive

Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer’s kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you’d know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
Insensitive
Insensitive

I just played the video while finishing this up. It feels like there's a huge weight on my chest right now.
Need to let go of it all.