Sunday!

So excited for tonight! We finally finally finally get to hang out together. :) Okay, so I've seen him twice since my last post, but both were just quick visits.

I stopped by his place on my way home from hanging out with H on Thursday night. He was upset about H and I being friends... I can't really say that I blame him. He wanted to know the story, which I had intended on telling him. H had even given me permission to tell him the whole story. I ended up telling him an abbreviated version, since it was almost midnight and I needed to get home to release my mother from her baby sitting duties. I'm sure the story made little to no sense. Not sure if he'll want to revisit it or not. He says he's okay with us being friends, just not with our history. I told him that I will not stop being his friend... this is who I am. But OMG, I hope this doesn't mess things up.

Then Friday night he popped out (during the crazy snowstorm!) for a quick visit. Okay, so the quick visit turned into two hours.

I really like this guy. There's been nothing yet to raise any doubts in my mind. This is so rare.

Today I'm going snowshoeing/hiking with H. I'm not sure if I'm physically strong enough to attempt this mountain climbing adventure, but I'll try. H has agreed to take care of breaking the trail. My real worry is that I'll be soooooo tired tonight when Bachelor F comes over. I went snowshoeing yesterday with N&S, and was pooped last night. I went to bed by 23:00 for the first time in several weeks.

I feel like Bachelor F should be given a new name here, but I don't want to jump the gun or be too presumptuous. I'm smitten though. :)

Beginnings

How does a fluke get-together between two people who previously communicated so poorly turn into this?

I'm not exercising caution. I'm going to drink in every second of this.

This feeling makes all the insanity of last year seem crass and superficial. In reality, I know that isn't the case, but this is just so sweet that the past now tastes like artificial sweetener.

On paper, this isn't what I was looking for. But what I was looking for was based on nothing but some ideas that appealed to me...

I usually only vent the bad feelings here. But in this case, I want to bottle up this feeling to hang on to forever. Putting it here seems to be the closest I can get to doing that.

No one before has ever asked me to never change. I think I could fall for this guy. Maybe it's happening already. Probably.

Enjoying every moment. Counting down until Sunday.

Meeting #10

I've changed a lot over the past year or so. I see it every day. Things I used to worry about no longer worry me. Things I used to be uptight about are no longer issues. I have a better understanding of the world.

I've kept in touch with this guy on and off since May. So many times it's felt like we were going to start fighting over MSN. He seemed like he was just trying to tease me, but it always felt like it had undertones of bitterness. I knew that he felt like I had judged him because I wasn't okay with some of his lifestyle choices, and he called me judgmental at every opportunity.

H and I talked about the whole thing back when it happened. I specifically recall feeling so strained during the conversation... we were barely talking, and yet there he was still giving me advice. I asked, "How can I tell my kids that doing these activities is okay for (let's make this one "Bachelor F") but it's not okay for them?" As always, H took the other person's side. He told me that I could always explain to the kids that I don't agree with what Bachelor F does, but that it is his decision to make.

It took a while for me to mull that one over, but after a while, I did start to see a work-around. I wanted to tell this to Bachelor F, but I wasn't sure if there was any point in telling him I'd had a change of heart. Every time we talked in the summer, it felt like we might start ripping each other to shreds. He was always picking on me. I was quite certain that he didn't even like me. And I wasn't about to tell him that I was sensitive to his special brand of joking, and that he was actually being hurtful, because that would have only given him more to work with if he really was being intentionally mean.

Anyway, over the last couple of months we've chatted on and off again, but with less of that negativity. In all honesty, he just seemed to come online and say hi when he was horny. I assumed it was just because I lived nearby, and he thought there might be a chance I'd tell him to come over. No idea. Anyway, those convos have been okay and much more positive.

Last night he crossed my mind for whatever reason, so I popped onto MSN to see if he was online. He was, we chatted for a bit, and I'm not sure which one of us suggested it, but he ended up bringing beer, pizza, some movies, and his dog over and we stayed up until after 02:00 watching movies together, at which point BG decided it was time for me to go to bed.

Apparently I'm significantly different than he expected. I'm still not certain what he expected. He did say that he didn't get my quirkiness over MSN. Understandable. He's pretty much what I expected. Maybe a bit nicer. Okay, a whole lot nicer.

We talked a bit about what went down between us previously while he was here last night, and we've been texting a bit tonight, sorting it out, making apologies where required. I'm still marveling at the fact that he sees me so differently now after meeting me. It blows my mind that he really did seem to think that I was a bitch.

As with everything, I have no idea if there is potential there. I'm interested in getting to know him more though.

Oye

That was a lot of beer. :)

Embracing the romantic

I'm not really sure if I'm truly a romantic. I've never really felt like one. I'm more casual and laid back when it comes to that sort of stuff I think. However, I did think it was pretty sweet of Bachelor E to stay up until midnight last night so he could send me an email wishing me a happy V-day.

V-day has never meant a whole lot to me. My first boyfriend gave me a gift that made me feel yucky (seriously dude, keep your cheap-ass, gold-painted, plastic key to your heart.) Ever since then I've never been overly crazy about the day.

I'm going to try to embrace the romantic and see where this leads me. Obviously what I've been doing in the past hasn't been working for me. Time to head in a new direction. *gulp*

Two more sleeps until I actually meet him. I feel like I know him already. I chastise myself for feeling that way after so many not so great dates. But maybe, hopefully, this time it will work. Usually there are things I'm uncertain about when I meet people (no, if I've met you prior as a date, please don't ask me what it was that I was uncertain about) but in this case, it all seems good. Maybe he'll end up being a little too nice? That's the only thing I can come up with...

Hello Bachelor E!

I caved on the weekend and created a new profile in the pond. I didn't look at the print screen I kept of the old profile, I created something completely new. It better reflects where I am now rather than the old one that was originally created when I was pregnant with BG. Sure, the old one has been modified since then (many times) but it no longer felt personal to me. This one is much better. Another thing different is that I decided not to post any pics publicly. This has reduced the number of responses I've been receiving, but that's okay. The few responses I have received have been better than the "Your cute wanna chat?" messages anyway.

I've been getting to know one person in particular... he seems to be everything I'm looking for. He's even dreamy! How long has it been since I've said someone was dreamy? No idea if we'll jive in person or not, but wow... I'm so anxious to find out. Where is that negative attitude and dread that I usually feel before meeting someone new?

This is how obsessed I am about this - I had another tooth pulled today and I'm not even writing about that! Nope, Bachelor E is on my mind tonight. ;o) (Which is too bad for anyone reading, because you'd probably find the story about my tooth being pulled far more amusing than another bachelor post! But this is what you're stuck with!)

Keep your fingers crossed for me... :)

Anonymous

I've always kept my identity on my blog and Twitter private. Sure, a handful of people have known all along who I am, but for the most part, people don't have a face or a name for me other than the eye that is currently my profile pic, and the name "cuddles".

Recently though, as I've been getting to know, and becoming friends (both in real-life and online with the potential/intention to meet in real life) with people I'm meeting through these two social media outlets, more and more people are finding out who I am. It has gotten to the point that recently I've been questioning whether it's even worth continuing to blog and tweet anonymously.

My blog, and now my twitter feed as well, is a peek into what's really going on inside of my head. Facebook no longer provides me with that outlet - there are far too many family members and co-workers in my "friends" list for me to be comfortable sharing the intimate things I'm okay publicly sharing with complete strangers. For the most part, the stuff I'm putting out there via the blog or Twitter are things that I'm putting out there solely for myself. I truly believe that my blog has been what has pulled me through the ups and downs of the past couple of years. Without this outlet to release everything I've been feeling, I'm quite certain I wouldn't have had the ability to continue on my journey. I would never want my mother to know how completely tortured I've been over this past year through all of the ups and downs with H. I would never want my co-workers to read that I haven't had sex since last March and that some days I wonder if I'll ever find someone worth sharing that experience with again. And if H discovered this blog I'd be mortified. Sure he knows that I've been through hell with him, but I don't think he truly "gets" how I feel (but that's a topic for another post, really) and even though I've been careful not to really share his story here (beyond how it has affected me) there's the chance he would be unhappy with me for publicly sharing even my feelings for him. (Side note, completely unrelated - In the interest of being upfront and open with him, I've contemplated telling him about all of this recently, but fear to upset the lovely balance we finally seem to have created after so long. And if I do share with him, I lose this outlet to work through my feelings.) But the more people I befriend, the greater the risk that I meet someone who knows my family, or a co-worker, or a friend who I don't share this online presence with.

Lately there have been so many small world things happening. A wonderful new friend is friends with someone who is indirectly a part of H's life. Another great friend that I haven't yet met in person works with one of my mother's close friends. I discovered this week that one person I'm getting to know went to junior high with me. And just today I discovered that a local radio personality is living in my old house.

All I can really do is hope that people keep what they know about me quiet. Maybe I should go private with the blog, but a part of my motivation is knowing that I might be able to connect with someone new via this medium - it's happened in the past and I'm sure it will again. That won't happen if it's private. And frankly, I'm so very much enjoying interacting with like-minded individuals, making new friends, and meeting new people. I've finally found an outlet where my geeky, somewhat shy, socially awkward personality fits in and can shine on occasion and I'm not prepared to give it up.

Dinner in a box with insecurities

Had a great dinner out with H tonight. His girlfriend joined us after for a drink. As much as I hate to admit it, she's a sweetheart. I really liked her.

(Amusing side note: I caught myself coping with the initial stress of her being there by taking a huge swing of beer... and then wondered if anyone noticed.)

One thing that I did notice is that H is not himself around her. He's the P.C., professional, polite, somewhat showy person I met last January. That guy is a nice guy and all, but it's not who he is. He actually changed when she arrived. I watched it happen. It was almost as if he was nervous beforehand (or maybe just a bit apprehensive is a better way to describe it) about the two worlds colliding, and then switched into the personality I haven't seen in a very long time. Maybe it's just that that personality is who he is when he's in a relationship, but I have a hard time believing that. He called me after we all parted ways and one of the things he wanted to know was what I thought of her. I said that she seemed like a really nice person, and he was pleased that she received "the best friend seal of approval", as he put it. Me being me though, I had to point out to him that he changed significantly upon her arrival. We discussed it a bit... Maybe over time he'll become himself around her, and she'll be okay with the person that he actually is. I hope that is what happens; otherwise, I think that he will eventually feel stifled by the act that he has unknowingly created. I just want him to be happy. Is that crazy of me? I wonder sometimes...

I have a silly BB story to share tonight too. This isn't one of the most brilliant mothering moments I've ever had, but I'm going to share it anyway...

Sunday night when XH was here after returning BB from his weekend away, BB wanted me to read him a story. I assumed my usual story reading/snuggling position on the couch, and BB climbed up on my lap. However, as he was climbing up, he kicked me in the crotch by mistake. He got me right on the pelvic bone and it hurt like a mofo. I yelled out, "OMG! He just kicked me in the box!" I have no idea where this came from, since I've never used the word box in this sense before. Anyway, immediately after the words were out of my mouth I knew what was going to happen. "BB kicka Mommy in a box!" I couldn't help but laugh, but ultimately I just ignored it, and moved on with the story. This morning (two days later!) as we're snugging up to read our story, what does he start talking about? Oh yeah, kicking mommy in the box. This time again, I still couldn't help but laugh, but I had to explain that it wasn't nice of mommy to use that language the other night and that I'd like him to please not use that word either. Whoopsie.

And finally, my random thought for the night... Every time I read a passive-aggressive FB status update, without fail I wonder if I'm the one who has done something to inspire the person to post that status. It's all quite selfish on my part - really, why would it possibly be about me? Obviously, I must think the world revolves around me, if I wonder if every passive-aggressive status is directed at me. In reality, I know it's just my insecurities rearing their ugly heads. Does anyone else ever do the same thing? I'm curious...