A Quick Update

My first day back to work was great.  My new manager and my old manager took me out to lunch.  Most of the office dropped by my desk to welcome me back.  I was able to start getting my feet wet in my new position.  BB had a fantastic day with my mom yesterday.  I felt very positive about everything last night.

Tonight, I want to sit here and cry.  How do people do this?  

I miss BB during the day.  Last night when I went to bed, I almost got him out of his crib to bring him to bed with me.  I knew he'd be up soon enough though.  I only had to wait an hour for him.

My new manager told me a couple of weeks ago (when we met to discuss this new position) that she doesn't micro-manage.  I'm starting to suspect that she does micro-manage.  She also told me that she's not a clock-watcher, that I'll be independent and have freedom.  I'm beginning to think that the words 'independence' and 'freedom' mean something different to me than they do to her.  I still think she's a nice person and all, but I don't think this new position is going to be quite what I was hoping for.  

On the bright side, BB really does seem to be enjoying his time with Grammy this week, and I'm enjoying coming home to a happy baby and a clean house.  It's too bad it's only for the week.  But, it's good that he's going to be going to a sitter's with other kids, right?  

I need to keep reminding myself that things will get better.  They have to.  Otherwise, I'll end up on meds again.  

Another Chapter is Closing

• Today marks the end of my leave from work.  Actually two weeks ago today marked the end of my maternity leave.  The last two weeks I've been on vacation.  
• I'm trying not to be sad about returning to work.  I'm going back to a new job in a new department with a new boss.  Although I get along very well with my old boss, I almost feel like I know her too well.  I know her games and was often left feeling a lot of bitterness towards her when it came to work issues.  And to be honest, I really hated my old job.  I had been doing it for four years and it was always the same problems.  Over and over again.  I was full of rage on the good days.  As DH said recently, it's probably good that I'm taking this new position because BB probably wouldn't have liked the old mommy.  I couldn't agree more.  
• I need to remember to set up my blogger account so that I can email posts from work.  
• My clothes line was finally put up on Tuesday night!  I've been so excited this week.  I love watching the clothes flapping in the breeze.  Drying without costing money or hurting the environment.  And no, the irony of cloth diapering sans clothesline for the past year is not lost on me.
• I baked bread yesterday for the first time.  The kneading part was so messy.  But I think it will be easier next time.  The bread turned out beautifully--All three loaves.  I got the recipe from the La Leche League cookbook.  A great book; I've made all sorts of great recipes from it.  When the bread was finished it felt so proud of myself.  I felt so female; I made bread for my family.  Anyone who's all for women's lib will hate that statement, but it's true.
• BB had a better day at the sitter's yesterday.  DH dropped him off and picked him up for the first time.  BB ate both snacks and his lunch, and took both of his naps.  It's the first day he's done all of those things.  Some days he would eat but not nap, other days he would take one nap but not eat, etc.  He came home a very happy baby last night.  I think he might finally be starting to feel better too.  Thank goodness.  He still has a cough and a runny nose, but his energy seems to have returned.  It's as if the life has been put back into him.  
• We had BB's birthday party last Saturday and it was a great success!  The birthday cake I decorated for him didn't look fantastic, but it was completely homemade, so I knew exactly what he was putting into his little body...  and it was fairly healthy considering the fact it was cake.  It was great to have all of BB's biggest fans all gathered together to celebrate the anniversary of his birth.  BB decided to surprise everyone by walking across the living room ALL BY HIMSELF to get a toy that my dad had!  He was so proud of himself when he made it to his grampy!  It was so sweet!  Up until that point, he may have taken up to three or four steps on his own, and that was with a lot of coaxing.  This, he did all on his own with no encouragement!  Since then, he's back to taking three or four steps again.  But I suspect that he'll be running circles around me VERY soon.
• I sat outside with my book for about 20 minutes late yesterday afternoon while I was waiting for DH and BB to arrive home.  32C out and it felt so nice.  Summer is when I am happiest.  I've always said that I'm a child of the summer.  I missed most of last summer since BB was so new, and then it rained so much, so hopefully BB and I can make the most of this summer!
• BB and I are enjoying a quiet day together today.  It is our last weekday together for a while.  I'm really going to miss my baby boy while I'm at work.  Hopefully I'll be able to immerse myself in my new job so that I'm not obsessing about him all day.  We've had such a wonderful year together.  Getting to know him has been an amazing experience.  I feel that DH and I are closer now as a result of BB joining us and turning us into a real family.  I love my boys.

Blink! And a year is gone!

Today is BB's first birthday!  So much has happened over this past year.  He's grown from a mewing but alert, strong, eight pound ball of flesh to a happy, cuddly, smart one year old!  

There's so much I am feeling inside today that I'd love to try to put into words, but time does not permit it.  We're holding a birthday party for him tomorrow.  Some friends and our immediate family are invited, and I am so not ready for the company!  It's been a hectic week, and DH, BB, and myself have all had colds.  I was supposed to make BB's birthday cake last night, but was feeling like I'd been hit by a transport, so I headed to bed shortly after BB fell asleep.  Hopefully everyone is truly coming to be with BB tomorrow, and won't be bothered by the chaos of our house!  

This morning, BB rang-in the exact moment of his birth by nursing.  It was a special way for us to celebrate it.  Today BB and I are hanging out together, and enjoying one another's company.  I think this is a favourite way to spend the day for both of us.  :)

Happy birthday to my sweet little man.  You are my world.

My First Mother's Day

I realized today that I'm spending my first Mother's Day weekend as a true mom.  I've been caring for a baby who has come down with an icky cold (after only having one day of normalcy from the effects of the stomach bug), I spent several hours yesterday preparing lunch to take to my parents' place today so mom didn't have to cook a meal for everyone on Mother's Day, and then made the trip to my parents' place today, sick baby in tow, to celebrate Mother's Day.  Like most mothers, I'm sure, I've felt like I've been pulled in many directions at once.  This is the first quiet moment I've had to myself all weekend, but I still have a to-do list that is seven items long, and it needs to be completed before I go to bed tonight (not to mention the to-do list I have prepared for tomorrow!)

Now, all that being said, I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing for anything in the world.  And I have been treated pretty good this weekend.  DH surprised me with a bouquet of beautiful yellow tulips Friday night (this is a true surprise -- it's only the second time he's bought me flowers in over nine years), last night he prepared a feast of seafood for us, and today he gave me a card AND had last night's dishes done by the time I returned home from mom & dad's place today!  Out of all these things, guess what I appreciated the most?  Yep, the dishes.  I have a pretty great hubby!  In addition to all of the in-house spoiling, my brother and his girlfriend gave me a mother's day gift as well!  So thoughtful of them!  It is a beautiful handmade pottery mug.  (In the mug was a business card from the potter leading me to this blog.  I'm looking forward to checking it out!)

I hope all of my mommy-friends in the blogging world had a good Mother's Day!

Bonus Day!

BB has been sick since last Friday night.  He woke up with a high temperature and was vomiting.  Since then he's had diarrhea and has not been himself.  It's been a bad week for him--being sick, plus having to go to the babysitter's, instead of just snuggling with mommy when he needs it the most!  By suppertime last night it was clear that he was finally on the mend!  

He was supposed to spend six hours at the sitter's today.  I was feeding him his breakfast and was making a point of sticking to our schedule so he would arrive on-time, when the sitter called and said that she has been sick several times this morning, and was going to send her own child to a friend's place and was going back to bed.  Oops.  I guess she must have picked this up from BB.  But I figure he probably picked it up there in the first place, since he didn't pick it up off of us.  Hopefully she's feeling better soon.  I'm not happy she's sick, but I am VERY happy that I unexpectedly get to spend the day with my sweet little boy today!  Plus, another day at home with his regular naps, and he should be as good as new by tomorrow!  

The Worst Mommy in the World

That's how I feel right now.  

I just dropped BB off for this third day at the babysitter.  As soon as I started to hand him over to her, the screaming started and he clung, and I mean CLUNG, like he has never clung before, to my arm.  I had to pry his sweet little fingers off of me, hand him over, give him a kiss good bye and walk out, smiling the whole time so he wouldn't see that I was as upset as he was.

He came down with a stomach bug late Friday night.  It's the first time he's had that sort of sickness.  The entire weekend he was the cuddliest baby in the world.  He's already a very cuddly and affectionate little guy, but apparently, it's possible for him to be even cuddlier.  He just started to seem much more like himself today, and what do I do?  Dump him off on someone that he barely knows.  Way to go, Mommy.  

Oh, and on the drive home I realized that I forgot to pack his bag with a blankie for him to snuggle with.  Worst. Mommy. In. The. World.

Hopefully the next three hours and 40 minutes go by quickly so I can have my little Monkey Man back. 

Damn Those Busses

It turns out that my grandmother did have a heart attack.  It seems so bizarre to me, since she's never been one to over-indulge in food, I've never known her to have a drink, smoke, and she's not obese.  Perhaps the fact that her heart has served her well for almost 80 years is a tribute to these facts?  Because she was still having problems, she was transferred to SJ yesterday, as they are better equipped to deal with this sort of problem.  On Monday she will have an angioplasty, but will still be left with a blocked artery.  She has a hump on her back, and as a result they do not want to do surgery because of the position she would have to be in.  The doctor must feel that the position would increase her chances of blood loss, and her religion prohibits her from receiving a blood transfusion if it is required.  Most of my family would judge her for this.  I don't like to because I don't understand.  But I do feel frustrated by it.  So yeah, these are the details as I know them...  all the info is second hand, of course, so something is bound to be inaccurate in all of this. 

My grandfather on the same side of the family also suffered from more than one heart attack; although, it is not what he died from.  

All of this business with the heart issues really has me thinking.  I need to make a concentrated effort to keep being active, and do a better job of monitoring my intake of saturated fats.  I already watch for the trans fats like a hawk, and I've greatly reduced my salt intake over the past year, but I've been lazy with the saturated fats.  It's time to step up the effort.  Keeping active over the next few years will most likely be a challenge for me, but even if I continue to keep trying like I have for the past year, at least it will still be a part of my life still when I am no longer constantly attached to a baby.  I'm sure there will always be a reason why finding the time is difficult, but I was doing a great job when I became pregnant with BB, and I'm confident that if I was able to do it before, I'll be able to do it again.  After all, DH and I need to set an example for BB and BN2, right?

In a way, I almost feel a bit doomed.  On my dad's side, they seem to have heart issues.  My mother's side is ridden with cancer.  Sometimes I wonder what sort of a time-bomb is ticking inside of me.  But, perhaps I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.  

Grammy

My mother emailed this morning to say that my grandmother was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night by ambulance.  She had a pain in her chest and down her arm.  I'm sitting here on the edge of my chair waiting for an update of some sort.  

She is the only grandparent I have left.  I've had a lot of time to think and reflect this past year, and I've realized that my feelings toward her are complicated.  I see a lot of her qualities in me... and it's not the good qualities in myself that I see reflected.  Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person by any means.  She had a tough marriage and had to work hard, and then she assisted greatly in raising two of her grandchildren for several years.  But the negativity is often oozing from her. I know that it doesn't necessarily consume her, but it's there, and it's very obvious.  I feel the need to try to NOT be like her, which leads to some complicated feelings.

But at the end of the day, I still love my grandmother and have lots of great memories of time spent with her.  I hope she's going to be okay.