Eight more days!

I just realized that today is May 31! Eight more days until I see the orthodontist! I'm giddy with excitement. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd look forward to putting myself in this sort of pain. Not that I haven't wanted the end result, but finally taking charge and doing it feels so empowering. I need to do more things like this for myself. I'm looking forward to the new me, both inside and out. :)

Big Step

I just offered to share a recent post with someone who doesn't read the blog. It means this person will be able to read the blog if they choose to now. It's a bit of a scary big step... but I like this person, so perhaps letting them "in" won't be a bad thing? *gulp* I just need to remember that this is still my space... I'm not going to censor my thoughts or feelings... the same way I'm not sugar coating things just because I know XH is reading. I've only ever intentionally offered up my blog to one person before (Hi ML!) so this is pretty big.

Fooled

I set the alarm on my cell phone last night so I'd wake up in time to meet A for breakfast. I noticed that I already had an alarm set for 06:45 on my phone, so I activated that one. I had named it, "H 6:45". I vaguely recall him asking to me give him a wake-up call one morning because he had to pick up his boss or something like that. Anyway, this morning when the alarm went off, in my sleepiness I grabbed the phone and saw his name on the display. My first thought was, "HUH?" and then I thought that maybe he might need something (really, the only reason he's going to call me now would be if he needed something - desperately needed something. It's been almost two weeks since I last heard from him after all.) My next thought, keeping with the "he might need something" mindset was, "Should I call him?" Wowzas. Thank goodness at this point the not-enough-sleep wake-up fog cleared my head and I realized it was the name for the alarm displaying on my phone and NOT an attempt by him to contact me.

Thinking he was trying to reach me excited me for a brief moment. Then I remembered how bloody angry I am with him. But I still hate the fact that we're not talking. It's all so stupid and confusing.

This just dawned on me... the promise to never lie to me again was a lie.

Anyway, this city is so small, I'm guaranteed to run into him at some point. I hope I can handle it without having to run in the other direction and without becoming an awkward freak. I really do feel bad about the mess everything turned into. Not that the blame belongs to me. Not entirely anyway.

On the bright side, I don't think about him constantly anymore. I'm picking up the pieces and moving on.

Uncomfortable

OMG. I have a friend in SJ who is having women problems. A lifetime ago he was my rebound after J and I split up. We've kept in touch over the years via email and the occasional phone call but we haven't seen each other in seven years. He has called a few times recently to talk. I'm okay with that, I don't mind being a friendly ear. For some reason I have this need to help people when they're going through a difficult time. He called about an hour ago and said he was in the area and asked if he could pop by for a few minutes to say hi and get a hug. Of course I said yes. So he came out and we sat and talked about his current situation. As he's leaving he gives me a hug good bye. The next thing I know he's putting the moves on me! WTF?! Okay, you're separated from your wife who wants to get back with you, you have a girlfriend that you say you love but she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and you're putting the moves on ME? Thanks, but no thanks.

I Run Away

Out of the blue the other day I messaged someone in the pond. I had been looking at his profile the previous day and noticed that he had so much detail that the site cut him off mid sentence. I chuckled and moved on. Then the next day I noticed that he changed his headline to acknowledge what had happened. I went back to his profile to see what he had changed, and saw that the system cut him off yet again in mid sentence. Laughing to myself, I sent him a note to tell him that it had happened again. (Note: I typically don't initiate conversations with the fish. I let them come to me.) I liked his profile. He could actually communicate. His pictures make it hard to see what he looks like though. I like to confirm the potential for chemistry with pictures.

Anyway, online, we are getting on smashingly. We've exchanged dozens of emails over the past couple of days. The first day I was thrown off. Significantly. He was coming on a bit strong. My initial reaction was to run away. Very quickly. XH was here at the time and I was filling him in on the situation. I've recognized that the relationships that I want the most are the ones where I need to work a bit for it. If a guy shows too much interest, I jet. I can remember the times in the past when I had the same icky feeling... when my grade ten boyfriend gave me a cheesy, tacky, V-day gift, or even back in grade six when a boy I had a crush on liked me back and wanted to "go out" with me. At that point, even that felt like too much! Looking back, with XH, H, and even the one-offs before XH, in each case, the ones that I really wanted didn't throw themselves at me. They expressed interest, but not in an overwhelming sort of way. XH suggested that since I haven't had much luck with the ones that I need to work for, maybe I should give it a try when someone is more interested in me than I am in them. (Okay, I know those weren't your exact words, XH, but that was the gist, right?) Coincidentally, the guy seemed to recognize that he might have come on a bit strong, and I agreed. (Yay for me not just brushing it under the rug!)

Since then, it's been a non-stop email frenzy. Okay, so I don't email much during the day... a one liner here and there, but once my house is settled, I spend the rest of the evening playing catch-up. I don't know if he's the one I'm looking for. I was hoping to find someone active and outdoorsy. I don't think that's him. Maybe there is the potential for a good friend? But look what happened with the last "good friend" I made from the damn pond...

Not that I'm ruling out the possibility of something more, but I feel very cautious. I'm holding back. Not jumping in feet first. For now though, I am enjoying our conversations and getting to know one another a bit. That's the right way to do things, right??

BG's Story

Eight weeks ago tonight all this began! I'm finally just getting around to sharing the story! I've started this a few times, but have been unsuccessful in finishing it until now. Here is the story of BG.

On the evening of March 25th, I realized that time was running out, and that I needed to take a final baby bump picture before the baby actually arrived! So I set up the camera and managed to get a picture. Shortly after my photo shoot, H called and said he was coming over for a visit. It was a nice visit... we laughed and talked. It was the first time I had seen him in almost three weeks. After he left we talked online until about 1am. During that time, I uploaded my new baby bump pic to Facebook. After chatting with H, Melissa and I exchanged comments on my bump picture, and I told her that I didn't think that the baby would be coming for a while yet as I was far too comfortable to be ready to go into labour anytime soon! At around 01:30 I realized that I should go to bed, after all, my due date was March 27, and if I were to go into labour within the next couple of days, I might regret missing out on that chance for sleep! I noticed that my back was hurting a bit, but I chalked it up to laying in a bad position with the Netbook and the belly. (It wasn't not the first time I had done that!)

At 2:30 am I woke up not quite feeling right. Suddenly I was hit with what I thought might be a contraction, but I wasn't sure. (I was induced with BB, so I had no idea what to expect going into labour on my own!) When I was hit with another soon after, I started timing them as best I could by myself. 4 minutes apart. I told myself that it must be false labour, because there was no way I could possibly have gone into labour so quickly!

Shortly after 3:00 am, I started composing an email to XH to relay all the info regarding BB that I had been planning on passing on to him when he picked him up that night... just in case this was the real deal and I wouldn't be able to tell him what he needed to know.

By 3:30 am I decided that I should call A as the contractions were still 4 minutes apart and not showing any signs of letting up. She agreed that it probably wasn't the real deal and suggested I call her back in an hour or two if I wasn't able to get any sleep.

As the next hour progressed I tried to time my contractions, but it was difficult to time them while dealing with them. I tried to distract myself by swimming in the pond (OMG, yes, I was in labour and trying to find a new man!), and looking at the labour website A had sent to me earlier in the week. One of the items on the website was a checklist of what to take to the hospital with you. It included warm socks in case your feet get cold. I hadn't packed warm socks, but there was a basket of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that had warm socks in it. So I laid on my floor, pawing through the basket of laundry while suffering through contractions, trying to find a warm pair of socks. *shaking head* I obviously wasn't thinking right at this point. I was becoming more and more scared. All alone with a 22 month old, outside of the city, and no support. And once again I was wondering, "How did this become my life?"

By 4:30 am I realized that it most likely *was* the real deal as I was trying not to push and the contractions were 2 minutes apart, on top of a host of other symptoms I was experiencing that jived with what I read on the labour website. I called A again, and demanded that she and my brother head to my place immediately (about a 20 minute drive.) I then called XH to make arrangements for him to take BB earlier the next day than originally planned. Having to talk to him during all of this was murder. I had to deal with contractions while talking to him, and showing any signs of vulnerability to him was not something I wanted to do.

At around 05:00 help still had not arrived. I contemplated calling N to come over, but I knew that this wasn't something she would want to deal with (and really, we had made so many jokes about her having to deliver the baby, that it just seemed weird to actually suggest it might happen!) I even considered calling H just to have him talk me down and tell me that no, I still had lots of time, be calm, etc. Instead I called A again and demanded to know where she and my brother were. I wasn't very nice about it. (Turned out they weren't rushing as they thought they had lots of time... they took their dog out to pee, got dressed, didn't drive more than 10kph over the speed limit, etc.)

They arrived at 05:15. I was standing at the island in my kitchen holding on for dear life, bellowing through my contractions. The look on my brother's face told me that he knew we all had to move quickly. A asked me if I was nauseous (yes, I was nauseous and drenched in sweat) and then the realization hit her that this was the real deal. I managed to calmly explain to my brother which bags from my room needed to be loaded into the car, had him get me the garbage can from the bathroom to take with me in case I was sick in the car, directed him to find a pair of flip flops for me from my closet, had him grab my camera, etc. How I remained level headed to do this, I have no idea.... planning does seem to be how I react to a crisis though. Then we headed out to the car. The infant carrier seat caused the passenger seat to be pulled too far ahead for me to comfortably ride to the hospital, so I had to get back out of the car, remove the seat, let my brother know to move it into the house, and get back into the car. Once a bit of confusion over keys between my brother and A was cleared up we were finally on the road to the hospital.

I advised A to pass anyone that was in our way. Luckily at 05:30 that only meant passing a couple of cars. Even on the way to the hospital, I was still worried they would tell me that this wasn't the real thing and would send me home.... all the while trying not to push in the car!

A stopped at the ER doors and put me in a wheelchair and brought in my bags. She then ran into the ER to tell them what was happening. Then she went back out to park the car. While she was doing that, my water broke. (Next time you walk through the doors into the DECH ER, think of me!) She came back inside and again went into the ER asking for some help (you can't get up to Labour & Delivery after hours without someone from ER letting you through.) A couple of women sauntered over and looked at me through the glass, and eventually someone came out and started pushing my wheelchair. She didn't say a word to me, just gave the occasional order to A. The ride was awful... the ceramic tiles on the floor are SO bumpy when you're in a wheelchair!

We arrived in L&D at 05:50. One nurse checked for dilation and said that she could feel the baby's head, but that she would have another nurse confirm it. So the next nurse comes in, checks, says, "Yes, that's the baby's head. PUSH!" Eight minutes later at 05:58, BG was in my arms.

In all of the haste they didn't have time to try to drug me, catheterize me, or hook me up to their machines. One person did hold a fetal heart monitor to my stomach, but they didn't even bother trying to strap it on. They didn't have time to read my birth plan, but thankfully A knew what was there and was able to direct them after the baby arrived so that all of my post-delivery wishes were followed. (All of my labour & delivery wishes basically revolved around not wanting drugs or interventions, so it seemed that I automatically got my way on those ones!)

After it was all over with I couldn't believe I had just given birth. I felt fantastic. When BB was born I felt like I had been hit by a train afterwards. This had been the scariest 3.5 hours of my life (seriously, who wakes up an hour after they go to sleep with contractions 4 minutes apart?!) but I survived, and I'm happier it happened this way so I could have the birth go the way I wanted. When I started preparing for BG's arrival, I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards the way my labour with BB happened. Now I feel that I can let go of that negativity because I've had the experience I had hoped for.

BG has been wonderful. She initially did nothing but sleep and eat. Then she went through a colicky phase during the evenings. That seems to have passed, but the evenings are still her cranky time, however, it is not unmanageable. She started smiling last week, and last Saturday she gave me her first ear to ear grin. Now I've discovered that I can often banish her crankies just by propping her up on my legs so that she's facing me, and then I smile at her. It usually gets a smile in return! BB is a fantastic big brother. He lavishes BG in hugs and kisses, and won't go down for a nap or go to bed at night without first giving her a kiss.

Clean Slate

Here we go again with a clean slate. I have answers at least. I don't necessarily like them, but it's not all about me.

This is me picking up the pieces and moving on.

Funny, by the end of the day today I felt like I was getting a much better handle on life. Then he called while I was getting BB ready for bed and hearing his voice on the machine threw me completely. However, I find that after talking to him, I haven't regressed. Nothing has changed. I don't feel more, maybe even a little less.

Here's to letting go.

You Don't Just Want to Break Me

This song played while I was on the treadmill last night. It hit close to home. During one of my minutes of walking, I grabbed my pen and scrawled the title (which is repeated a million times at the end of the song with varying degrees of pain and perhaps anger in Hawksley's voice) across my arm. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but it felt good. When it was time to start running again, I suddenly had far more energy, and spent my last block of running minutes going faster than I have since I started running.

you don't just want to break me (you want to tear me apart)

By Hawksley Workman

i feel like selling my things

i feel like being alone

can't tell if i'm more confused

after i hung up the phone

glad to hear you're feeling stronger

and that you're ready to grow

didn't know that i was in your way

thanks for saying it...

now i know

so this is how these things go

so this is how these things shake out in the end

see the winter settling in

it's going to be cold a while

in the winter everything's dead

deep and crisp and even

and this is how it feels to be left standing

to be the one who never did know

so this is how it feels to fade and pale

laid down like aching snow

you said that i had no courage

one day you'll see things different

you don't just want to break me

you want to tear me apart

Another one bites the dust

So, remember the guy from down the road that I mentioned a couple of posts ago? Well, things were going really well with him. He had a lot of potential. We both were looking for the same thing, he was definitely okay with my kids, and we had no problem chatting online, and we were planning on progressing to the telephone tonight.

However, last night we talked about what our "deal-breakers" are. Two of my big ones are smoking and drugs. He told me he occasionally smokes when he drinks, and that he smokes pot a time or two a year. At the time I just brushed it off, since he said he only does it occasionally, but it nagged at me. Today it really hit me - how I can I tell my kids that they shouldn't do those things when it's okay for him to do them? So tonight I told him that I couldn't get past those two things. I think he was a bit upset with me, especially since I hadn't met him before making that decision. But meeting him wouldn't have changed anything; it would have just made it harder if we did have chemistry.

I'm feeling proud of myself for addressing it, rather than letting it become an issue down the road; however, I'm feeling sad that this "opportunity" didn't work out. Add to it the mess with H, and I'm on the verge of depression. I had so many things I wanted to get out and do this weekend, and now I can't even remember what it was that I wanted to do. None of them feel like they matter. I'm really tiring of wallowing in self pity, but I'm not sure how to pull myself out of it. Today I've even been considering contacting my workplace's EAP provider. I feel like I need to talk about all the stuff with H to someone neutral who can be trusted not to tell anyone. I think I'm a bit messed up from it all to be honest. Why the hell do I still care about people after they hurt me? I did it with XH, and now again with H. Why can't I get angry, tell them to eff-off, and move on with my life? It seems like the worse you treat me, the more devoted to you I become. That's messed up. I'm not liking myself much tonight.

Push and Pull

Looking back to when H and I were dating in January, it's obvious that the push and pull was already going on then. He'd come over to my place more evenings than not, but then would disappear from my world completely for a couple of days. He would talk about things we would do together in the future, but then try to tell me that he was only my rebound. He took me away for the weekend and then broke up with me a few days later. And then in less than a week, we were talking again, and another week until we were back in bed. I remember that first night together again, he asked me after, "Can you be my friend without being my lover?" I said yes. I meant it. But so we continued on for another few weeks... we'd get together, every so often he'd disappear for a day or two, then poof, he'd be back again. I don't think he only came back for sex, since there were times we spent together without anything physical happening. And since I now know he was also getting it elsewhere during that time, I really believe it wasn't the sex he came back for. If anything, I think he was feeding off my feelings for him. It feels good to be around someone who loves, adores, and worships you.

Our last time together was the beginning of March... we bottled wine and then took a day trip to St. Andrews. Shortly after that my life went a bit crazy with BB being so sick, and then BG's arrival. His life also seemed to get busy... (I had a snide comment here, but removed it, since it isn't really useful, and it gives away more of his story than is useful in helping me tell mine.) We kept in touch during this time, but only saw one another once - the night before BG was born. We sat on the couch and talked and laughed. I realized that night that although I still cared and had feelings for him, they were starting to fade, and that I was definitely okay just being friends.

Another couple of weeks pass and suddenly his life comes crashing down around him. I'm sitting home alone all day with two little ones and oodles of time. Next thing I know, he pulls me close and I'm his go-to person again. We're constantly on the phone or he's here with me. We went to a charity event one evening, we spent a weekend away, I even met his kids and his ex. All of this happened with us just being friends. However, as I've mentioned before, we became incredibly close during this time, and I fell for him harder than ever. The weekend we went away, we were snuggled up in bed and he made two promises to me. He promised that I would always be a part of his life, somehow. He promised that he would never again lie to me or omit the truth. Both of these promises have been broken all ready. It's funny, there were two other promises that he made to me at other times during the past month. One was that he would be there for me the next time anything bad happened to either of my children (in reference to BB's illness in March and how he didn't come to the hospital at all when my other close friends, and even my boss, did) and that he would never not talk to me if we had an issue - we'd always talk it out. The former hasn't been tested yet, thankfully, but I assume that he won't be there for me. The latter has already been broken.

Over this past month he's shared a lot of information with me. Very private stuff. I have guarded this information with my life. It's made it difficult for me to talk with friends or family about what's been going on in my life, because I've been so careful not to share something that I shouldn't. Then suddenly last week, he started questioning my feelings for him. He thought that because my deep feelings weren't reciprocated that I would end up getting hurt. I refused to let him push me away and told him that I was aware of the risks, that I committed to be his friend through his ordeal, and that I would deal with those feelings and any fallout from them. After a few more conversations that evening and the next morning, I thought all was fine. We took a quick road trip so he could run an errand on Thursday night, and that night we stayed up fairly late talking on the phone having one of our usual heart-to-hearts. We made plans to go out for his birthday this week, and had talked about going away this weekend. Then last Saturday night he didn't answer when I called him at bedtime. I texted a while later to say goodnight. When I woke up after 02:00 to feed BG, I was really worried, because it wasn't like him to not check in by that point. So I called (we had previously told one another to call anytime, day or night, if we needed something. I needed to know he was okay, I felt justified in calling.) and there was no answer. So I sent another text telling him I was worried, and to check-in when he could. I was paranoid he was laying in a ditch somewhere. He finally called me after 07:00 Sunday morning, telling me he was feeling very vulnerable because I knew everything about him, and insinuated that I couldn't be trusted. HUH? Then somehow it turned into him needing to face his current issues head-on, on his own. Okay, that part makes sense to me. It was obvious to me that he couldn't be alone, and that was why he had formed this pseudo-relationship with me. But to not trust me??? That was the part that I can't cope with. Anyway, after a lot of talking that morning, I let him walk away. If space was what he needed, space he would have. I had promised him long ago that I'd do anything for him, and if giving him space was part of the anything, then I'd do it.

He checked in a few times between Monday and Wednesday, updating me on his situation. Only on his last call on Wednesday did he show any interest in my life. I didn't ask many questions when he called, because I didn't want him to think I was prying in order to share information with anyone. I didn't talk about my life, because I figure he probably has enough on his mind right now that my baby stories would be unimportant to him. Yesterday morning I sent him an email to wish him a happy birthday. He replied back and told me it was probably the nicest birthday email he had received. Then last night he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. HUH? I'm so growing tired of this push and pull game. So, I emailed him one last time to ask what it is that I've done to wrong him. I thought I was being a good friend to him, but he obviously feels otherwise. So what is it that I've done, besides allowing myself to become his doormat? Heck, it's more than just allowing myself to become his doormat, I chose to become his doormat. It didn't just happen. I made the conscious decision to do it. I still haven't received a response from him. I'm guessing I won't be hearing from him again. I'm left with so many questions and so much hurt over the entire thing. What happened that I don't know about? Can I ever trust anyone again? I'm feeling like I can't.

I think it's all about control with him. The constant push and pull. I've wondered if perhaps this most recent push was a way to really take control of the situation that we had found ourselves in... he had cut the ties, but not completely, so perhaps this was his way of severing them for good.

I know what you're probably thinking... "You're better off without him." Maybe I am. But I need answers. I need closure. What really angers me, is that if he came back with answers, and an apology, and wanted to be a part of my life again, I'd let him back in. Why do I do this to myself?

I can handle the idea of him not reciprocating my feelings, I can even handle the idea of him not wanting to be my friend... what I can't handle is him suddenly deciding that I can't be trusted, after being told so many times that he trusted me implicitly, and that he trusted me with his life. How does that change overnight? I suspect there's more to the story, and that's why I want answers.

Hopefully this will be my last post about H. I know I've been dwelling on things with him far too much over this past month. He became my world, second only to my children.

H, I'm so very very angry with you right now. You've managed to hurt me in a way that you have never before hurt me... and there has been a lot of hurt since January. You're right, I do grin and bear a lot of things with you, but it's been okay, because it kept you in my life. However, although I am angry and hurt, the things you told me will remain secrets. I do not seek revenge on people; that isn't who I am, and I will never be that person. I wish you every happiness life has to offer. I hope you figure out who you are, and that you become the person you want to be. xo

Hmmmm...

As the day went on, I started feeling angry about the way I've been treated. There's so much I want to say about it all, but I know that if H ever stumbled over this blog, he'd be ticked that he was even mentioned. So, I'll keep my mouth shut, just in case.

On a happy note, I'm up waaay too late tonight because I've been chatting online. With a boy. *gasp* And he lives right down the road! He doesn't meet my dream guy's physical criteria, but the rest is jiving so far. Since meeting H, this is the first time I've really wanted to meet someone right away! That has to be a good sign!

:) :) :)

Still Hurting

This song was playing yesterday and struck me as completely appropriate at the moment. *sigh*

Tegan and Sara - Call It Off from Ashley Brown on Vimeo.

"Call It Off" by Tegan & Sara

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

Pulling it Together

So I gave myself two days to wallow in self pity. By last night I was feeling a bit better.

H managed to last 24 hrs + 8 minutes before calling yesterday. That call was followed by two more later in the day. All were fairly quick calls just updating me on the goings-on in his life. I'm glad he's still keeping me in the loop, but I feel myself letting go already. I still care about him, heck, I know I still love him... that doesn't turn off so quickly, but I think it's my self-preservation mechanism kicking in... I can't say for certain, but I don't think I'll put myself in the position to be hurt by him again. Prior to that first phone call, there was also an email, and last evening he sent me two texts, the first one I replied to, the second one I didn't bother. Not that there was really anything to reply to, but it's unusual for me NOT to be the last one to reply.

To distract myself, I've jumped back into that awful pond. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, but it's something to do. I don't understand why I can't be alone, but whatever, it's who I am, and come hell or high water, I will find someone. That being said, I refuse to settle.

I had offered to take H out later this week to celebrate his birthday. I'm not sure if he still wants to go out or not; however, if he decides that he doesn't, I think I might see if someone else wants to get together with me, since I already have a sitter lined up. I'm sure that of the few people I'm communicating with, at least one of them would be interested. I'm a bit nervous at the prospect, but I think this most recent incident with H was the kick in the pants I needed to let go of the dream I had of us being together. Or at the very least, to loosen my grip on it. I talk a good talk, but I'm sure if he showed up at my door tonight I'd be back to square one. I'm such a sucker for him.

Here I Am Again

I'm so incredibly beyond blue today. How can I be pseudo-dumped by my pseudo-boyfriend? My heart is broken. How many times will I let this happen to me? Why can't I be alone? Where is my strength that everyone else keeps telling me I have? I don't feel it.

What's so difficult about the whole thing is that there's no one I can talk to about it, because the details aren't mine to share. I understand where he is coming from with respect to needing to pull away from me, but I still feel the need to talk it out with someone. However, I respect and love him far too much to share his personal stuff with anyone. But without sharing the details with anyone, he sounds like an ass, and that's not the image I want to paint of him. Not at all.

I feel reckless and out of control today. Like I'm going to do something rash that I could possibly regret. Or maybe it's that I *want* to do something rash. I think I'm going to try reconnecting with a couple of old friends... see where that leads. I need something. Is it fair to them (or to me) to do this while I still love H? Nope. But whatever, I'm sick of worrying about how everyone else feels. Bloody sick of it. It gets me no where, but trampled into the ground.