Disbelief (September 4, 2007)

Wow. I just found this in my drafts from September 4, 2007 and thought I'd post it, since I took the time to write it! Keep in mind it is outdated!

According to the website (babycenter.ca) I'm five weeks along. I'll be six weeks on Sunday. I'm still very excited and hubby is really starting to come around too. It was rough early this week. He didn't want to talk about it, and even suggested that we should just tell our parents over the phone rather than in person! Ouch. There were a lot of tears Monday night over that one. Inside, it seems like I've known since the very beginning, but for him, Monday wasn't even 48 hours of digesting the news. So I'm sure I was probably overwhelming him a bit. But since then, he's loosened up a bit, and I'm so happy! He's said that he's okay with using my grandfather's & father's name as a boy's name (I mentioned in a Facebook quiz a couple of months ago that I wanted to name a little boy this name, and he remembered that and brought it up!) and he also suggested inviting all of our parents over to tell them all at once. As for names, he wants me to make a shortlist of girl's names, and he wants to have veto power. He's already vetoed my grandmother's middle name, which I'm really disappointed about.

The last couple of days, I've been paranoid that maybe I am not actually pregnant. My breasts are super sore, and I do experience a bit of nausea, but other than that it just doesn't seem real. The test is supposed to be > 99% accurate, and I've read everywhere that you're more likely to get a false negative than a false positive, but I still am paranoid that I messed up the test somehow. I want to take another test, but I don't want to spend the money. And I'm worried that it will say negative. I know that all the signs still point to "Yes, you are pregnant!" It's just paranoia.

I go to the doctor on September 26 @ 1:30. Another week and a half of not having it confirmed for sure. I wish the appointment was sooner.

We're going to a flyball tournament this weekend. I'm nervous that my little she-devil is going to punch me in the gut and make me miscarry or something. Or that I'm going to over-do it and miscarry. I'm living in a world of paranoia right now. But I don't want to be one of those girls that need to be put up on a pedestal just because they're pregnant. And I don't want my child to be put on a pedestal when she's born either. We live an active life, and she's going to be there by our side throughout all of the fun and games!

I'm pregnant!!!

Last Tuesday, I took a pregnancy test. I was four days late, and was showing a lot of the symptoms I read about in my book. It came out negative. I was annoyed, because if I wasn’t pregnant, then my body was wasting valuable baby-making time by not starting the cycle again.

More days pass, same symptoms, no period.

It’s now 5:58 am. I woke up around 4:15 and laid in bed thinking about how badly I had to pee, and how I should take the second test (I bought a 2-pack.) So, I got up around 4:40 and peed on the stick, and two minutes later, guess what?! I’m pregnant!

I went back to bed and told hubby, then realized that I should have taken a picture of the test for the baby book. I saw someone (a co-worker, I think) who put the actual test in their baby book. Ick! “And this is a sample of mommy’s pee from six years ago!” Anyway, after the photoshoot, I went back to bed, and asked hubby how he felt. After prodding to get an answer beyond, "Sleepy" his response was, "Dread." I hope he doesn't resent me for wanting this so badly. And I hope that in time he will be happy with the new addition to our lives and our family.

This all seemed to happen so fast. We decided to start trying about two days after I was supposed to ovulate (according to the online calculator, AND the calculations I made from my book.) Not that our birth control method was fool-proof – withdrawal isn’t exactly effective! However, it worked since last fall. The Sunday that I was supposed to ovulate, it felt like he might not quite have pulled out in time, but I thought it was all in my head. And from reading my book, you’d think that the odds of it happening from that one time would be pretty slim. However, either I didn’t ovulate when I was supposed to, or he did leave a little bit inside of me.

I want to call T! She called me as soon as she found out she was pregnant, but she just brought N home from the hospital on Wednesday, and she has her family there this weekend. She emailed yesterday and told me to call her tonight. I’m counting down the hours until then!

I’m torn on whether I should go to flyball practices or not. The basement is sooo dirty and I have such a hard time breathing after I leave. I’m thinking it’s probably not too good for the baby if I’m not taking in enough oxygen! :( I also need to know whether I can keep using my acne cream… I think I’ll have to do a bit of research!

My only fear of having a baby is that he or she will have crazy allergies to the animals. In fact, that was one of my reasons for being okay with not having a baby. But there are so many more reasons to have one. Hubby doesn’t have allergies, and I’m living with the mutts fine, so baby should be okay too, right?

Baby makin' time!

Last night he said, “Let’s try.” Wow. I thought I would be afraid if I heard those words. I’m not. I’m so incredibly excited. And happy. At this moment I feel as if I have everything I could possibly want.

I know he’s just doing this for me. Not because he feels the need to have a baby. But everything will work out.

We “tried” for the first time last night. There could be a bun in the oven right now. Sunday was supposed to be the prime day, but the website said it’s a five day span around that day.

I had a dream last night that I had a baby. A little boy. But he was way bigger than a newborn and the labour was easier than easy. Definitely a dream. :) Then I had another where I was running a race (I just found out last night that the 5K/10K at the Charlo Fall Fair is a definite GO!) and was busting my butt to get to the finish line with a respectable time.

Gotta head to work. Just needed to record this moment.

Baby Talk?

*gulp*

hubby emailed me at work today to bring up the ‘forbidden’ subject. He suggested that I talk to my HR manager to see how much I’d be making if I were on maternity leave. Wow. He called it the subject he’s “too scared to bring up.” I want to talk about his feelings rather than just facts and figures, but I don’t want to push him away. We exchanged factual emails about financials all day. When I received the first email, I was so happy and he seemed so sweet in it. But it quickly turned to very factual emails. I was a bit hurt, but at least we had a conversation about it. We haven’t said a word in person though! I'm afraid to, considering how all of the previous conversations have turned into me curled up on the floor sobbing and rocking. And him sitting there in silence.

I’m so afraid that we won’t be able to afford for me to take the year off… They say you make 55% of your wages, but that only seems to be the case if you make less than what I’m making... Not that I make much more than the cut-off. But the amount I’d make per week less taxes, etc. isn’t much money, when you look at what our expenses are. But I’m sure that people do it all the time on less and survive.

I’m very much afraid he’s going to use his damn logic against me. I have very little logic when it comes to this topic. I kept wanting to talk about my feelings in our emails today, but it kept coming back to the numbers.

I feel a bit rejected, but I’m not to brush aside those feelings. Keep telling myself that this is how he is dealing with it. And if this is what he needs to deal, then I can do that…

oh yeah, i give up trying to protect the innocent. i'm avoiding writing because i don't like not using names. so now i'm naming names, baby! :)

Flyball Party

We've invited the flyball team over to our place tonight for a party. The list of who is coming and who isn't coming seems to change daily. Hopefully we'll have a decent turn-out. I have to run into town today to pick up some glasses (we don't have many left!) and apparently my running jacket has arrived at The Running Room. ...so I should pick that up. But as I sit here thinking about it, I really don't want to leave the house. Maybe everyone can just use our mismatched glasses tonight. And I'm sure the jacket will still be there another day...

Tomorrow I'm skipping my run... I'm holding off for the 5K clinic to start next week. Maybe I'll get a run in before then. I'm not holding my breath though! In the afternoon tomorrow we have flyball practice. It sounds like some poeple won't be there, so hopefully it will be fairly quick. I think I'll take Fluffy... he did really well this last time in Beginner's class. I'd love to actually race with him. We'll see how he does tomorrow! :)

Hubby's Back!

I picked him up at the airport at 5:00 tonight! Yay! :)

Screw you, Texas, he's mine!

The Old Girl is going to miss sleeping in his place tonight though! ;o) She's been a pretty good sleeping partner the last couple of nights! I tried to let Fluffy sleep upstairs last night (after his escapade yesterday, I felt the need to bond with him) but he just stood at the window growling at the night! :S After an hour of that, I realized that I wasn't going to get any sleep, so I brought him back downstairs and brought The Old Girl to bed with me!

Fluffy's Escape

This morning was less eventful than yesterday morning (thankfully!) "Fluffy", my husky x, dug a hole under the fence and went on an adventure.

Here's the email I sent to my good friend in SJ describing what happened (a few identifying details have been changed, and names changed as usual...)

Yesterday morning I was ready for work, and was just running the dogs one last time before I put them away for the day and got dressed. I put the Fluffy and the two schnauzers out, and when I went to let them in, only the two schnauzers came in. PANIC. After checking to ensure that Fluffy wasn't just outside hiding next to the house, or hiding in the basement somewhere, I crated Puppy & The Old Girl, and headed out to call for Fluffy. When I investigated the compound, I discovered a hole had been dug under the fence on the far side! I ran around calling for him and searching. Nothing. I called mom and dad, I'm not sure why! I searched some around the yard. I called Hubby and left a voice mail. (Hubby doesn't have voice mail. I ended up calling a number like his, but it was off by a number but I didn’t realize at the time - my brain was NOT working! I left a sobbing voice mail on the phone of someone in Grand Falls. Haha!) I went outside and looked some more. Then I called mom and dad and asked them to call the radio station to get it put on the air. After that I got in the car and slowly drove up and down the street to see if I could find him. No luck. So I called my friend since she only lives like 7 minutes away and she offered to come help. While I was waiting for her (it took her like 25 minutes to get there… I woke her up when I called and they still had to take care of their dog before they could come), I grabbed a leash, dumped the cat's food on the counter, threw some doggy treats into the dish to rattle, and started walking down the street, shaking the dish, calling for him and sobbing. All of my neighbours were sticking their heads out their doors to see what was going on, and they all promised to keep an eye out for him. I stopped in home on my way by again to see if anyone had called (since he was wearing his tags with our phone number, I thought maybe someone might have grabbed him.) No luck. I thought about Hubby and tried calling him again. As I was dialing his number I realized that I had called the wrong number earlier. I woke him up, since it was only 5am in Texas! He didn't have any ideas other than what I had already thought of… Keep looking! So I was about to start looking in the other direction (out toward the dead end) but I saw something in the distance that made me walk back the way I had already gone. I ended up chatting with the old lady who lives across the street. It just felt like she was wasting my time – I wanted to get back out there and search! As I was getting away from her place the thing I saw in the distance was gone (I doubt it was him anyway.) Then my friend and her husband drove by. So I ran home to meet them. We quickly talked about where I'd looked, and I kept going out toward the dead end and Natalie and DA started in the yard. As I was walking out the road, I turned around and guess who is running towards me from the ditch on the other side of the road?! Good ole' Fluffy! YAY!!!! I grabbed him and leashed him up and then sat on the side of the road bawling! He had twigs hanging from his bum fur, and stuff stuck all in his fur on his back and chest! What a mess! Just as we returned to the house and were chatting in the driveway, mom drives in! She came all the way out from her place (like a 25 minute drive!) to help me and make sure I was okay!

I'm a very lucky girl! :)

Last night Dad and Brother came over to put some steel pins in the ground and fill in the hole so that my little Houdini can't escape via that same route again (hopefully!)

It was probably the worst hour I've ever had. In my head, I had written him off as gone for good. Everyone is saying now, "Oh, he would have come home." But it's Fluffy. He'll follow his nose for days. And what if he had been hit by a car? *shudder* When I caught him in the middle of the road, a van was coming towards us. What if I hadn't been there to get him off the road? The possibilities are sooo scary!

Anyway, that's my drama for the week. I'm so glad that it had a happy ending! But yesterday was awful. I was a wreck and kept crying at my desk. I think it's because I was so certain that he was gone forever… It was hard to believe he was actually back in the basement.

I Learned a Couple Lessons Tonight

1. Don't try to run with Horsie (our 3 year old male Doberman)... or at least don't try to run with him until he's got his Sch1. He runs with his right shoulder rubbing against my left leg. Good for the trial field I guess, not good for running. I almost fell flat on my face sooo many times! Maybe once he has his 1 we can teach him that he shouldn't be crawling up my leg when he runs with me?!

2. When you get up at 4:30 to take your husband to the airport, then work all day, don't bother trying to go for a run at 7:45 in the evening. If you're feeling tired, you probably ARE tired. Too tired to run!

So I managed to run for my 10, walk my 1 and then I ran for about 2 minutes before giving up. I was really dizzy and feeling like vomiting. I figured since it's only about 20 degrees it would be a good night. And Horsie is just far too awkward to run with. But he's pretty darned cute. And we met up with two different people on our walk who WEREN'T afraid of him! :)

The end is near

Yep, it's 9:06 pm... The last night of my vacation. Tomorrow Big Brother reclaims my soul. I feel as if I've been so busy over the past two weeks that I've hardly had a chance to rid myself of the veil of darkness that has been draped over me since my Christmas vacation. And to make it feel even worse, I still haven't revisited the baby topic with hubby yet. I told myself I would do that over vacation, but I couldn't do it ... *sigh*
The only silver lining is that there will be a bonus cheque waiting for me at the office tomorrow. However, I'll probably be in tears within half an hour of arriving, so it cancels out the money. I need to find a way to stay home.

Black Cloud

I am currently in week two of my two-week vacation. Very close to the end of week two. :( I usually fill my vacation up with so many activities that I have very little "me time."

Yesterday, I visited with my grandmother and we went out to lunch. We did this a couple of years ago and I had a lovely time with her. This year, she had my cousin staying with her. This cousin (let's call her "K" to make this easier) is a little neglectarino. She used to live across the road from grammy & grampy, and they practically raised her and her older sister. Then when my uncle & aunt split, grammy always had them whenever it was my uncle's turn to have the kids. Talk about making a kid feel unwanted, eh? Anyway, K has always been quiet, slow, and surly looking; however, as a child, she was always very affectionate - she'd jump at every chance to give you a hug or snuggle up with you. When grammy said that she was going to have her yesterday, I wasn't impressed at the idea of 1) dragging someone else's kid around in my car with me and 2) having her cut into my time with grammy. I think grammy could sense my hesitation and said, "Well, we could leave her here. She's 12 now afterall." How can you tell her that she can't come? "You stay here, grammy and I are going for lunch. Have fun being bored!" Sheesh.
Anyway, someone in my family (an aunt, maybe?) used to call K the Little Black Cloud. Well, this little black cloud has turned into a stormfront. OMG. She came into the room, threw herself into a chair and sat there with her arms crossed staring straight ahead. No hello, nothing! When I tried to say hello to her, she grunted at me! Grunted! So grammy and I continued chatting. Then grammy left us alone while she went to the washroom. Here's our conversation:
Me: So are you having a good summer?
K: NO. I'm on depression drugs.
Me: Oh my. Wow. What do they have you on?
K: I don't know! {sounding exasperated}
K: AND I have to go to therapy.
Me: Well, maybe it will help. Try to keep an open mind. {I'm pretty stunned at this point. Is she confiding in me or is she just lacking the sensor that most people have? I'm thinking this kid might be missing a screw or something}
{awkward quiet}
Me: So... what grade are you going into?
K: Seven.
Me: So... do you got to school in {insert town's name here} or in {insert village's name here}?
K: {insert town's name here}
Me: Oh... do they even have a junior high in {insert village's name here}?
K: No.

And that was the end of my attempt to make conversation with her. I've been wondering if maybe this was an attempt to reach out... should I have told her that I was once on an antidepressant as well? Explained to her that it helped me? I don't know. It would have been a one-sided conversation...

The only other words she uttered, were "Sprite", "Hotdog", and "Ketchup" to the waitress at the restaurant. And when she was finished eating and we were waiting for grammy to finish her clams, she said, "How much longer do we have to stay here?" OMG. I felt a little bit of my dad surface at that moment... My response was, "Until grammy finishes her lunch!" A piece of me wanted to smack her. Then grammy starts going on about how slow she is. As far as I'm concerned, if grammy wanted to take two hours eating her bloody clams, she could have taken two hours! As we were leaving the restaurant, I made a point of thanking grammy, and not a word from the stormfront.

We made a brief stop at a convenience store so grammy could buy K some toothpaste, bread, and Sunny D (god forbid the kid drinks OJ!) and again, nothing came out of K's mouth.

When we returned to grammy's she headed directly upstairs to her room. She never said good bye, thank you or anything! Then as grammy and I sat there visiting, grammy made excuses for her. *shaking head* I remember being 12 and I was NOT like that.

Me... kinda.

So this is a representation of me... Simpson's style. The crooked teeth and noticeable cheek bones weren't captured. haha.

Hubby, friend and I went to see the movie yesterday. It was surprisingly awesome. I figured that they would go out of their way to make the movie better than the episodes have been lately, but they did even better than I anticipated. The beginning of the movie was great, but they lost momentum after the first half hour or fourty-five minutes... But it's the Simpsons, so I'm not going to complain! :)

This & That

This is feeling a bit awkward, since I've never really been one to keep a diary or a journal. I did try to keep a diary in 1987, inspired by my grade three teacher's stories of her father who kept journals his entire life chronicling what he did each day and what the weather was like. I tried to do the same thing, but it turned into me demanding that mom write in it each night for me. I'm pretty sure it is still at mom dad's place, actually. This time, my inspiration seems to be coming from a girl that I used to work with years ago at the burger joint. I used to think she was funny and she was nice to me. I recently re-discovered her on Facebook (but she doesn't talk to me on there; however, over the years we have run into each other on occasion and share awkward conversation) and noticed that she has a blog. I started reading it just out of curiosity (damn girl crushes!) and ended up reading the whole thing from beginning to end. Lately I've been feeling the need to have an outlet to express some of my thoughts and share some of my experiences. So this seems to make sense.

I do not intend to publicize this to the people in my life. If I do, I think it will take away the honesty factor. I also intend to protect the innocent and not use actual names. My intention is not to hurt anyone. If you do stumble across this and realize that you know me, feel free to leave a comment but don't hold any of this against me.

Knowing my obsession with new things, I'll probably post a whole bunch in the beginning, and then sporadically as time goes on. But whatever. I'm not going to stress over this. I worry about far too many things in my life, I refuse to create more stress with something like this.