Insecurities and doubts

Two weeks ago tomorrow, BG started rolling over. Now it's impossible to keep her in one place. A couple times over the past few days, I've left her napping on my bed (which is actually just a mattress on the floor) and discovered when I returned after only a few minutes that she had spun 90 degrees and rolled a couple of times. Tonight when I went to take my shower, I placed her little sleeping body in her crib, rather than leaving her on my bed. It's probably only the fourth time she's slept in her crib.

Now it's 23:24... I want to go to bed, but I can't bring myself to go to bed without her. Sure, her crib is within spitting distance of my bed, but I feel like a bad mother for not having here right here with me. However, waking her up to bring her to bed with me feels selfish.

The need I have to be close to these two children all the time is amazing. I've been thinking about what life will be like once BG also starts going to XH's place every other weekend. I feel a bit panicky when I think about it. The logical part of me knows that the break will be good for me. The attached part of me screams in pain. I keep reminding myself that it's a year away. Longer if I continue nursing as long as I'd like to. Unfortunately though, a lot of my ideals were blown away with the separation (remember the SAHM plan?) It's easy for someone with an even somewhat supportive spouse to say, "If you really wanted to, you could do it." I think I'm doing damn good, considering everything. But I know I could do better with more support.

All that said, it's not like I don't have any support. My family and friends have rallied around me. I have the best XH I could possibly ask for (Four months ago I didn't think I'd ever say that.) Perhaps if it weren't for these people, I wouldn't be doing such a damn good job.

BG isn't in my arms as often as I'd like her to be. I wear her in the wrap as much as I can. I hold her as often as I can. I nurse her as soon as she shows any signs of wanting to be nursed. But she often ends up napping in the swing. I feel guilty about that. I feel like this is where I'm really falling down. But, BB needs attention too. BG's swing-naps are the times where BB and I cuddle on the couch under a blanket and read stories, or play with blocks on the floor without distraction. That's my only chance for one-on-one time with him. He needs that too. I wish I could do everything. I really do. But I'm trying my best.

I often feel like I'm living in two worlds. There's the world where I try (and fail) to be Super-Mom. Then there's the world where cuddles is trying to find a man. The two worlds don't seem to compliment one another. The latter is part of the reason why I feel like I'm failing at the former. I think for the time being, I'm going to put the profile in the pond on hold... I'll continue being interested in who I'm currently interested in, but for now, any further intentional searching needs to be put on hold. I'm not sure how long I can maintain that attitude - the search has often provided me with a necessary distraction, and some hope for the future. It's easy to put it on hold when there's someone who may be interested in me. But when that doesn't work out, will I continue to feel this way?

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Follow my gut. Do what feels right.

I'm not talking about this. Really.

I have something I want to chatter about, but I'm afraid of jinxing it--if it is even anything. I know I've already proven to myself that NOT talking about something here doesn't prevent it from being jinxed, yet I still feel cautious. Maybe it's just that I can't bring myself to publicly admit that I might have actually met someone that I like and am attracted to, for fear that he might not feel the same way... or he might not be looking for something even remotely resembling what I'm looking for.

One good thing is that I'm not completely obsessive about it. If there's something, great. If not, I won't feel like it's the end of the world. Still, I'm hopeful.

Connected

Lately I've been feeling... what's the best way to describe it? Tied down? Caged? No, they both sound far too negative. But I've been feeling like I needed some time away. Some time for me to just be myself and not "mommy".

Today I got exactly that, in the form of a pedicure and lunch out with two of my close friends. I was very concerned because I didn't know if BG would take the bottle of milk I had left for her; she refused it the last two times I've left her with someone. After the pedicure, I called home to check in, and was told that her bottle was being warmed and that all was fine. So we proceeded to the restaurant, but shortly after arriving (two hours and fifteen minutes after leaving home) I was overcome with these incredible pangs of longing to rush home to be with BG again. Seriously, I couldn't wait to get out this morning, and after only two hours, all I wanted to do was be with her again. I spent the entire lunch feeling anxious and jittery. She didn't leave my arms for over two hours after I returned home.

I might have been worried about this "dependency", if I hadn't read in an attachment parenting book just yesterday that connected parents have difficulty being away from their babies for any length of time. It was nice to have that unexpected validation today. I'm happy to know that I'm doing something right.

As I look into the big blue eyes of my little girl, while she flips from her back to her front and back again, I can say with complete honesty that I'm happy to be here with her. Apparently "mommy" is exactly who I'm supposed to be right now.

Continuing onwards and upwards

Nine months ago tonight, my life (temporarily) fell apart.

This morning I signed the separation agreement.

Glad to have that done. Progress is good.

Three more months until eHarmony will accept my credit card. Bahaha.

It's in the contract

Tonight as I was drying BB after his bath and getting him ready for bed, he wanted to put the cream on his bum himself. I explained to him, "No, Mommy has to put the cream on your bum. It's in the contract." He repeated, "Bal. Cont." ("Bum. Contract.") while pointing at his bum.

Little dude is picking up on everything.

At Christmas, N gave him a set of 10 two-piece puzzles. One piece of each puzzle is a picture (bear, turtle, etc.) and the corresponding piece is the name of the colour of the picture (brown, green, etc.) In December, he only wanted to destroy the puzzles. He couldn't grasp the idea of how to actually use them, so I put them in his closet until he was a bit older and could appreciate them. I pulled them out of his closet on Saturday and showed him how to use them. By yesterday, he was picking up the colour pieces, and saying the name of the object on the corresponding piece before he even looked for the piece. He'd pick up the blue piece and say, "Whae" ("Whale"), then go in search of the piece with the whale on it. Then he'd pick up the pink piece and say, "Minkee" ("Flamingo") and then look for the piece depicting the flamingo.

Earlier today we were reading my old Sesame Street dictionary. We came across the entry for "accident". He pointed to the picture and said, "Mess!" I explained that the mess was an accident. For the rest of the day, accidents were his obsession. He would take his ride-on car, tip it over onto its side and say, "Ack!" with his hands in the air as if he was wondrous at how this accident could have possibly happened. Then he'd put it upright again and say, "Awake!" Moments later he'd say, "Un mor ack." ("One more accident." or "Another accident.") and the cycle would repeat itself.

He's a funny little guy. One of my two rays of sunshine.

Ramblings

What a weekend. It's been jam packed and I've hardly left the house.

My parents came by yesterday to finish weeding out the basement and a bit of the barn. The dog-stenched carpet finally left the basement, along with the plethora of bottles left behind by XH. I was amazed how many of those bottles still contained booze. No idea that I had that much liquor sitting in the basement! It's all gone now, except for the remaining two bottles of Valpolicella from H. I took special care to ensure they weren't swept away in the purge.

Last night S and N visited. We had raclette and spent almost six hours catching up. It was fun, but I was up far too late.

Today, my parents returned, along with my brother. My father and brother tended to all of the yard work and my mother worked on cleaning the dirt that the dogs embedded into the concrete beneath the carpet. I'm lucky to have such generous work-horses as family. I'm not sure where they get the ambition. I certainly didn't inherit it.

Tonight I am feeling so tired of being around people.

I told a friend who called last night that I'd call him back today, but with my family here, I never got to it. I'm finally to a point in the day where I could pick up the phone (both babies are passed out) but after 2200 seems a bit too late to call. Hopefully he understands. I always wonder what people without kids think when I fall through on a promise of this nature because I always put the babies first. I suppose if they don't understand, then there really isn't much room for them in my life, is there?

Lately I feel like I'm just automatically assuming that people don't understand my need to put the babies first, and am immediately writing them off as a result. It's probably not smart, but I seem to be in "push everyone away" mode. I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a hermit again. BG has refused a bottle of pumped milk the last two times I've left her, so now I'm hesitant to make plans that could take me away from the house for more than a couple of hours. That makes meeting someone for dinner or even a coffee difficult. But if you've never had kids, how can you possibly understand my need to be here for her? Maybe it's just a matter of XH and my mother being trigger happy with the bottle... trying to give it to her before she becomes too upset, when in reality she wasn't crying because she was actually hungry. I know her cues. I don't even know how I know, it's not something I consciously am aware of. She and I have a rhythm. Our bodies seem to work together. It's easier for me to be here for her than to try to give clear instructions to someone who isn't connected to her in the way that I am. But I can't bring myself to close the door on the dream of finding someone to fall in love with. I know she'll only be a baby once, and I have the rest of my life for love, but I can't let go or the loneliness will devour me.

Get your groove on

BB has always loved music. I remember taking him to a flyball tourney when he was a month old. Between races they played a Johnny Cash song. His eyes immediately opened and his head started bopping from side to side. A coincidence, maybe, but he really has always loved music, regardless of the genre.

N and I decided a month or two ago that we were going to check out a friend's band tonight. We figured our friend would be tickled to see us there (he was!) and about a week ago, I decided we'd take BB along for the ride.

The first 20 minutes BB sat quietly in his lawn chair. Getting his bearings. Taking it all in. Slowly you could see him becoming more comfortable. He started bopping his head. Then he was up and down from his chair. Eventually he was dancing on the grass. When a song would end he'd clap his hands and then put one finger up in the air and ask, "Un mor?" (One more? or Another?) Even when the concert was over and we were talking to our friend (like a couple of groupies) he was still asking for more. Apparently they don't do encores at these free outdoor concerts.

I think a few more concerts will have to be planned for the near future. It would be nice if the parking situation was a bit better though - there's no way I could safely lug both of the kids by myself if we had to park as far away as we did tonight.

I spent most of the evening people-watching. I guess that while BB is a dancer, I'm a voyeur. There was a cute old guy there wearing a Scottish tam, plaid shorts, and knee socks. He seemed sad during the concert. I wondered what his story was. I also saw a new friend there from a distance, but figured I wouldn't be able to get his attention without making a spectacle of myself. Perhaps next time.

All in all, a fun experience. Chalking this evening up as a success. Hurray for free concerts in the park!

Pink!

In the not too distant past, I felt that it didn't matter what colour BG wore. BB's too-small clothes would be fine for her, I said. By the time she was born, we had been gifted so many little-girl outfits that it wasn't necessary for her to wear any of BB's 0-3 month clothes (which is good, since I never had a chance to wash them up.) Now she's into the 3-6 month clothes, and there still isn't much need to dig into BB's cast-offs. The thing is, I don't want to dig into them. I suddenly like pink.

As a child I never liked playing with Barbie dolls. Perhaps I'm making up for lost time?

I prefer her in dark pinks to light pinks. Purple is a beautiful colour on her too. She's adorable in anything vibrant. I'm not one to buy a lot of clothes for the kids. Their grandmothers keep them outfitted quite nicely. But there have been a couple occasions recently where I simply couldn't resist the colours, knowing how sweet they would look on BG.

Isn't it funny how love blinds you? I've never seen a baby as beautiful as she is... dark hair, olive skin, perfect lips, dark eyelashes.

And this isn't a drug post either...

Way back in high school, a few lifetimes ago, my boyfriend, J, introduced me to incense. (No, we weren't stoners.) Anywhere we could find incense, we bought it. I recall my dad becoming very pissy with me over the whole thing. Maybe he thought we were up to "no good" with it? No idea. One night he came to my room and yelled at me because the cat was in there with me and the incense. Apparently incense can be detrimental to a cat's health? Again, I have no idea.

This morning, after my trip to the market, I stopped by Aura. As I was working my way around the store, slowly filling up my basket, I was suddenly hit with a wonderful smell. I looked to see what it was, and came across a display of incense. I'm not sure if it was the incense that smelled so good, or the sweet grass draped above the display, but the smell convinced me to put a package of incense into the basket.

When I got home, I realized that I no longer have an incense burner. I don't think I've used it in over ten years, so something like that would have disappeared years ago. I googled "makeshift incense burner" and found few suggestions that inspired me to make my own.

Yes, this is a cuddles-original incense burner. A hole punched in an empty berry box, incense stick shoved through the hole, a piece of tape on the inside of the box anchoring the incense, and a piece of foil to catch the ashes. (Yes, they could have dropped on the stove. I probably didn't need to waste the foil, but I didn't want to take a chance with my first attempt.)

Anyway, it did the trick. I'm impressed with myself. Normally I would have hopped in the car and headed back to town for what I needed.

And the incense? I'm incredibly happy with my impulse buy. And according to the manufacturer's website, the profits go to a clinic in India. Who knew $2.50 could bring so much good to the world.

Not a technical post

I've been itching for the new iPhone to be released in Canada. I've had my pink Razr for over three years now. I really have no real reason for wanting the iPhone specifically. A couple people I know have them. N has spent a bit of time showing off the pretty things hers can do. It seems so simple.

A couple other people have showed me their non-iPhone phones. (On a side note, why is everyone so proud of their phones? Why do they all think their phone is the best?) Their phones seem to do the same things I want my iPhone for, and would cost less money. But I still want my iPhone. The idea is in my head, it's now what I want.

I saw this video this morning and it reminded me of my current frame of mind. You can guess which character I see myself as. ;o)

Some days...

Life seems perfect. I couldn't ask for more and I wouldn't ask for things to be different.

Then there are days like today. I feel restless and housebound. I love my babies, but I want more. I need a rush. I need to not take it out on BB. He's only learning. He's doing his best. I need to do better.

It's not my children's responsibility to fulfill me. It's my responsibility. But my hands feel like they're tied.

Must do better. Must do better. Must do better.

One year ago

A year ago tonight, my precious BG was conceived. Had I known how things were going to turn out, she never would have happened. So scary. I never expected to be a single mother. I always said that I didn't have it in me to do that. Sometimes you don't have a choice and you have to make the best of a bad situation... if not for you, then for your children. But in doing it for them, I've found that it has also helped me in continuing to move forward.

BG and I have been together for a year. How do you celebrate this? Maybe some extra snuggles today.

Saturday's stray thoughts

- Recipes for Cheese-stuffed Dates with Prosciutto should NOT be delivered to my inbox. Cheese stuffed anything is usually A-1 in my books, and you typically can't go wrong with prosciutto, but the idea of mixing those two things with dates seems wrong. Very wrong.

- An unexpected late night phone call from someone on the other side of the country is a good thing. Especially when I spend half of the one hour conversation laughing my butt off.

- I wish I ate healthier on the weekends that BB is away. A McDonald's latte plus breakfast from BK is not a healthy breakfast. A package of Mr. Noodle and a small tin of Godiva dark chocolate pearls is not a healthy lunch. Two mini pizzas is not a healthy supper. Must try harder next weekend.

- Have been chatting on MSN with someone that I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of fighting with. It's weird.

- I think BG is going to be just as chatty as her big brother. She has babbled all day long. It's so adorable. She's also on the verge of rolling over. She can get onto her side, but can't get her arm out of the way to make it all the way over. And smiles! Oh my goodness she's so smiley. Such a little beauty who brings so much light into my life.

- BB spent the last two weekends with me as XH and I juggled weekends around to accommodate his schedule. Sending him off this weekend was incredibly difficult. I was very sad last night. Hopefully next weekend will be easier.

- I finally have my thank you cards done. Yes, my shower was in February. BG was born in March. It is now July. But I do have an excuse. It's called being a single mom to two little ones. I hope no one ever feels that they have to send me a personal thank you card for anything I ever do for them. Not that it's not a nice gesture, but life is just too hectic for everyone these days. And really, they're not exactly eco-friendly either. Just send me an email, please.

- As much as I love love love the newest T&S album, it's annoying that I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I listen to it. All because I took H to the concert with me in January, and they played all of the songs from the album. Why must I associate it with him? He didn't even like them. He's hardly on my mind anymore, but when I hear a song from that album, there he is again.

- I love listening to Leonard Cohen on the weekends that BB is away. At other times, I'm not feeling it. Maybe I just enjoy it more in the calm and quiet?

- I discovered today that the Dalai Lama is on Twitter. Or at least his office is. His tweets are great.

- My forehead is still twitching. Seriously.

- Mr. Adorable has quickly become Mr. Annoying and was blocked on my MSN almost as quickly as I added him.

- Poetry, eh? Kinda cool. I'm not feeling overly surprised about it. A painting blog might surprise me. Maybe not.

- I want to get some plants. I haven't killed the one I have yet. Time to try my touch on some others.

- I picked up some markers, paints and brushes for BB today. I'm looking forward to seeing the masterpieces he will create with them.

- Companies that say they will ship their products in an unmarked box to assure discretion, but then put "Personal Toys" on the customs label crack me up. Just sayin'.

- Listening to this Weezer song right now. It sounds like it should be playing at Chez Riz.

- I managed to enjoy about 20 minutes of sunshine this afternoon before BG woke up. That's 20 minutes more than I've managed to enjoy for a long time. Besides, sitting still that long proved to be difficult, even with a book to distract myself.

- BG has dozed off again. Time to get a few more things done. I'm moving and shaking today.

Go away, Bell!

I've been incredibly happy with the speed that the Bell's Palsy has cleared up, or healed, or whatever. However, today, I'm ready to rip my face off. Since waking up at 0600, the right side of my forehead, about a centimetre above my eyebrow, has not stopped twitching. At all. If I look in the mirror, I can actually see the skin jumping. I'm glad I decided to NOT go anywhere today.