Adapting

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts at the moment. H was over tonight for a hour or so. It's funny how we can sit there shoulder to shoulder or knee to knee looking at pics... there's a bond there for certain. A definite comfort level between us. When we're done looking at pics, we both move to our respective ends of the couch to chat. What was different about tonight's visit was that I didn't get my good-bye hug... when he was over on Wednesday, I even got a kiss on top of my head. Nothing beyond friendly, but not getting the hug tonight signified that things are changing again. He's moving into a relationship with someone new... I'm meeting someone tomorrow night. Maybe someone else later in the week if that lines up.

On the up side, his new girlfriend knows about me and is okay with us being friends. Thank goodness for not having that drama to deal with. I do understand why the last girlfriend didn't want him being friends with me... so much stickiness in that situation. The problem was how he dealt with her demand. Anyway, it's water under the bridge now, and I prefer to look forward rather than back.

I'm still kind of sad that things can't be different between us. But I believe that he isn't the only person in the world that can knock my socks off. And eventually, one of those people will feel the same way about me. I just need to start getting out there and meeting them...

H coached me quite a bit tonight for tomorrow night's meeting. Gave me some tips on things to ask to get the guy I'm meeting to talk, etc. Told me that if I was at all interested in seeing him again to set something up before leaving. Not to over-think things and judge him too quickly - plan to see him three times before making any decisions. We'll see about that one... But yeah, he knows how picky I am... and is convinced that I'm already trying to sabotage it. Maybe I am. I don't know. I just have this "prepare for the worst" mentality.

I gave him quite a bit of advice over the past week in regards to his new relationship... I always believe that honesty is the best policy when it comes to relationships. He has a tendency to "sugar coat" facts, leave out things, etc., and then tell you that you know everything. Then before you know it, you're finding out something else. You never know when you actually have the full story. (Which, ironically enough, I'm quite certain I finally got the whole story back in April.) So of course, my advice was to tell her everything, which worked out in his favour. My thought process was that if she couldn't handle his past, ie. the stuff that has made him the person he is today, then she shouldn't be with him, because those things are a part of him.

So, I guess this is how friendship works, right? I help him, he helps me... Just being friends with him is weird. Before there was always the "what if..." and the "maybe..." in the back of my mind. That's gone now. I'll get used to it though. If there's one thing I do well, it is adapting.

Living the truth, not the dream

H was over tonight. Then we had a good bedtime phone call. Lots of laughs and serious stuff too. Those are always the best convos.

At one point we were talking about the lack of happenings in my love life. He asked me if I actually wanted to date. I said yes, of course I wanted to. He said, "Well, besides me?" At that point, I explained to him that he's off my radar as far as dating is concerned. He seemed surprised. But really, why would I continue to consider him as a possibility when there is none?

Do I still feel the way I feel about him? Yep. But I'm no longer waiting for him.

The way we drifted back together after breaking up in February, then knowing that he was in the habit of drifting back to me whenever he and his last GF broke up, left me feeling like he was interested in me. Now that we've had the talk, I no longer am delusional.

It's sucky, but at least I'm living the truth now, and I'm still happy to have my friend back.

70 Questions

A friend just posted this to FB. I haven't even read through it all yet, but it felt like how I'd like to pass the rest of the evening. Screw the stuff I wanted to write about.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

My hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie/sweatshirt?

My grey Old Navy hoodie. I think it says "Brooklyn" across the front. I bought it at Marilyn's (I think) and have worn it through two pregnancies and several cold winters.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yes. That would be a dream come true. Heck, the last time I kissed him it was a dream come true.

4. Do you plan outfits?

Depends. When I'm working I try to have an idea the night before of what I'll wear the next day. Right now, unless I have somewhere to be, or I'm expecting company, no I don't think ahead.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

Emotionally - lonely. Physically - hungry but strong (just got off the treadmill about 30 minutes ago for the first time in four months.)

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?

The rag quilt my ex-MIL made for me a couple of years ago.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

I dreamed about H last night. I'm not sure what exactly it was about though. But I've woken up the past few nights knowing that he was in my dreams. I had the feeling after the last one that I had rescued him from something?

8. Did you meet anybody new today?

Nope.

9. What are you craving right now?

Freedom. Affection. Red wine.

10. Do you floss?

Indeed.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

That guy at the market who puts the cabbage leaf on his head. I don't know him, but just looking at him pisses me off.

12. Are you emotional?

I can be. I'm a feeler.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

No.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

I used to do a bit of both. Now I lick almost exclusively.

15. Do you like your hair?

I'm on the fence with it at the moment. It's a good cut, but I'm not sure if it's me.

16. Do you like yourself?

I know that I'm a pretty good person. I sometimes annoy myself though. But that's not really surprising since there aren't many people that don't annoy me on some level at some point.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?

If he's paying, sure.

18. What are you listening to right now?

Some jazz song Radio 2's Tonic.

19. Were your parents strict?

Indeed, they were.

20. Would you go sky diving?

No, I'm quite afraid of heights. Recently I had a bizarre conversation with myself and wondered if I'd be willing to do it if H asked me to and thought that maybe... but I can't see that happening, so let's just go with a definitive NO.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?

I like it cooked in food. I tried it raw with fruit a time or two a couple of years ago and couldn't do it.

22. Who was your first girl/boy friend?

A dude who ended up in jail for something to do with drugs. Kind of funny, considering my lack of knowledge of them.

23. Do you rent movies often?

I haven't rented a movie in years. I haven't watched a movie since late April/early May.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?

I don't think so.

25. How many countries have you visited?

I've only visited the U.S. I'd like to change that.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?

No.

27. Ever been on a train?

Yes! My job does have the occasional fun activity like that.

28. Brown or white eggs?

I always always always bought white eggs. Until a year and a bit ago. Now for some reason I always go for the brown. I don't understand it.

29. Do you have a cell phone?

I love my iPhone.

30. Do you use chap stick?

Yes. Blistex Herbal Remedy is the only kind I like. I work so hard at using "natural" products but I just can't seem to give this stuff up. I'm a firm believe in picking my battles though.

31. Do you own a gun?

No, and I never intend to.

32. Can you use chop sticks?

I wish. I'm very awkward.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

The usual. Me. Waiting for H to call me back and IMing with XH. BG and I will snuggle in the night.

34. Are you too forgiving?

I don't know if it's possible to be "too" forgiving. I do tend to be forgiving, yes. That doesn't mean the scars are erased, only that I have forgiven the wrong.

35. Ever been in love?

I am.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

They're all working.

37. Ever have cream puffs?

Since I'm not sure what a cream puff is, I'm inclined to say no.

38. Last time you cried?

One day last week. Around supper time. Then H called and I pulled it together to talk to him because I didn't want him to know I was upset (since he was the reason for my upset.) I kept it together after that.

39. What was the last question you asked?

"did you get the shoes at walmart or somewhere else?" (I had to scroll through my IM history with XH to find that.)

40. Favorite time of the year?

Summer. Without a doubt.

41. Do you have any tattoos?

Puppy paws.

42. Are you sarcastic?

I am. It's one of the things that sometimes annoys me about myself.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

No.

44. Ever walked into a wall?

I'm sure I have.

45. Favorite color?

I really don't have one.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

I probably slapped J back in college. He definitely took a punch or two.

47. Is your hair curly?

No.

48. Truth be told, do you like Twinkies?

This made me chuckle. My friend's daughter used to call her junk her twinkie. :)

I've never had one. I couldn't now.

49. Do looks matter?

In my quest for a new partner, yes they do. Right or wrong, it's usually the first thing I judge someone on. That being said, there are some people that once you get to know them, they suddenly seem more attractive.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

I have.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?

Nope.

52. Do you like your life right now?

I'm comfortable. I'm happy that XH and I are friends, that H is a part of things again (for now, anyway), and that I have a fantastic group of close friends and supportive family. But I need more.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

My TV is rarely on. It's probably been a couple of months since it was last turned on. And it's definitely not in my bedroom.

54. Can you handle the truth?

I'm living the truth. I will take the hurtful truth over a lie any day. As I've always said, "my wrath will be much less from the truth than if I find out after the fact that I have been lied to."

55. Do you have good vision?

I need glasses to read fast-food menus. I usually wear them to drive too, but my license doesn't say I need to (but it probably should.)

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

I hate no one. I'm sure there are more than three people I dislike, but I don't put much energy into it. I don't have room inside of myself for that sort of negative energy.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?

More now that H is around again. At least once a day. At the times he's not talking to me, I can go days without talking on the phone. Most people know I'm not a fan of it.

58. The last person you held hands with?

Baby Boy. The last adult would have been H.

59. What are you wearing?

Pink flannel pyjamas and wool socks. Sexy.

60.What is your favorite animal?

I still love dogs.

61. Where was your profile picture taken?

My FB profile pic was taken in my living room.

62. Can you hool-a-hoop?

Not for very long. I lack rhythm. (and isn't it spelled hula-hoop?)

63. Do you have a job?

I do. For now. Well, I'm on mat leave right now, but I do have a job to go back to. For the time being. Trying not to stress about that possibility too much.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?

A dress, shrug, and jewelry for my Christmas party.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

No.

66. Where did you live when you were 10?

My parents' house. The same place I lived until I was 18.

67. What was your first job?

The fast food joint in high school. (Waves at The Original Princess & Lady Lipgloss)

68. Are you a vegetarian?

No. My body needs meat. I do try to make wise meat choices though.

69. Have you ever met a famous person?

I met Andy Brown a couple weeks ago. Does that count? I was a bit excited about it, so it should count.

70. How old are you?

32 and okay with it.

Observation

Things are different this time. I'm hearing about the other women in his life as they happen rather than a week or two (or month or two) after the fact. To me, this says that he's actually seeing me as a friend now rather than someone he's trying to string along just in case. I think our talk last Sunday night was a good thing. I'm not sitting here wondering where I stand, and perhaps because he's flat out told me where I stand, he doesn't need to hide things from me to either a) avoid hurting my feelings, or b) continue to keep me hanging.

All this doesn't stop me from feeling a bit gleeful when he texts me to say that he's had a bad date. On the flip side, it's a bit of a downer to hear that he's really digging on someone right now. But, there's not much I can do about it all aside from being his friend. And ironically enough, I do like to see him happy, even if it is someone else that is making him happy. Besides, as much as I'd love to be in a relationship with him, I think it's too soon after his last one ending, and some other things that have just been tidied up as well.

Do I still love him? You bet'cha. Am I becoming more accepting of things being the way they are? Yes.

For the record, unrequited love sucks.

Another clean slate

Okay, so as I had decided last week, all of my old posts have been moved over to the other blog. I would have preferred to have just moved the ones regarding H, but with almost 300 posts, it was too much to sort through. There's a good chance I'll end up moving them back over at some point, but for now, this seems more respectful.

I think we're still sort of working out what our friendship will be like. He calls pretty much daily, we text or MSN throughout the day as well. It's odd, since often friendships form naturally. In this case, we're working on building one. It's a bit difficult having him turn to me for advice on other women, etc. I try to do the same thing with him as I do with XH. In my mind there are two XHs. The "monster" from last fall/winter, and the XH that I know now - one of my best friends and the father of my children. So there's the H that I care about so much that it hurts, and the H that is my buddy. I'm trying to ignore the former and focus on the latter. Easier said than done sometimes.

I've had so many people say, "Move on." to me over the past couple of weeks. Yesterday I had a great conversation with a good friend on the issue. She told me that if I wasn't ready to move on, that I didn't have to. My mind was sort of in that place all ready. At this precise moment, I'm feeling a bit distant from the situation. If someone else came along, I'd be willing to meet them, and would be a slightly less likely to compare them to him. That being said, I'm still not going to run out and meet just anyone for the sake of meeting them. Too much effort to make those arrangements right now. I'm not feeling a lot of hope for H and I ever getting together though.

Not sure if I've mentioned previously, but I filled out the eHarmony application last Saturday night. I've made it through the "guided communication" with one guy, and I see a message from him waiting for my reply. I doubt it will go anywhere though. It feels like effort that I'm not really digging.

I'm supposed to be going over to H's at some point in the next while to check out his new place. I'm looking forward to being on his turf for the first time ever. It should provide an interesting glimpse into him.

Tomorrow night marks the one year anniversary of the night XH broke up with me. What a crazy year it's been... lies, first meetings, lies, love, lies, childbirth, lies, love, more lies, more first meetings, even more lies, a couple of reconciliations, more love, blah blah blah. I'm hoping that tomorrow night is the night I go over to H's, because as much as I love hanging out with XH, I'd prefer not to do it tomorrow night. It seems weird spending our "non-iversary" together. The good thing is that we currently have the relationship we envisioned the night we broke up. For a while it looked like it would never happen, but it has, and I am pleased with that.

On Tuesday I bought a cute dress for my Christmas party. A strapless red and black dress that is adorable on. I'm keeping the tags on it though in case H bails on me between now and then. Perhaps since it's obvious we're not in a relationship he'll stick around for more than four weeks this time. And if not, I'll take it back. I'm really not setting the expectation bar very high. It only leads to disappointment. Like I keep telling him, I've never expected anything more than friendship from him. But he's fallen short on even that more than once...

My appetite is finally returning. Now I need to be careful to not start overeating because that dress fits perfectly right now.

Breathe in. Breathe out. One day at a time.

A Better Attempt at Describing Last Night

Thursday afternoon I asked H if he had plans that night. He did, so I told him that I had one more question that I needed an honest answer to, but that I didn't want to discuss it over text, email, phone, etc. He said okay, and called yesterday as he was dropping off his kids so I invited him over. We chatted for a while and then he asked what it was that I wanted to know. I asked him what it is about me that makes me undateable.

He told me that he does not consider me to be undateable, and listed a string of things that makes me dateable. I'm attractive, intelligent, successful. He and I have chemistry, a bond, and something keeps drawing us together. On and on. He started at the beginning of the year, and went through the reasons why things hadn't worked out for us - primarily his stuff. I knew all these things already. Fast forward to now... he says that we've never had a chance to really explore our friendship. He also brought up the thing about the kids being so young and how he isn't keen on doing the diaper thing again. But to me, that just tells me that there's something missing for him. Maybe he doesn't know what it is. And he wouldn't rule out the possibility of dating me either, and said that he wasn't just saying that to string me along. He also said that in a year he might regret not pursuing me. I told him that if that happens, regardless of the situation, I'd like him to let me know, and he agreed to that. He told me that if he had a relationship with me that he wanted to do it for the right reasons. I asked what those were, and he said that he wanted to do it because of feelings and not convenience.

One thing that he did mention was that he had asked himself the same question last Tuesday evening when we were just sitting and talking after we had gone out to dinner... wondering why he wasn't dating me.

Pretty much everyone that I've shared this with is on a huge H hating spree right now and they're all telling me to move on and "good luck with the friendship." It's all becoming quite painful. People see things in such black and white, don't they? I think this is a huge grey area. I honestly believe that he does care about me. Perhaps not the way that he needs to care for me in order to have a relationship, but I don't believe that he wants to hurt me or is being malicious. Yes, he's been selfish and very inconsiderate at times. I also believe that he has changed a lot since I first met him. I can tell that he's trying to be a better person, and I see him taking steps to make it happen. And, of course, that just makes me love him even more.

He's going to my Christmas party with me as long as he isn't away for work that weekend... and as long as he doesn't drop out of my life between now and then I guess. I also told him that I'd be willing to make plans for new years now that he's still around, so he said that it would be fun to go out. Again, if he's still around, I think it would be a blast. We even tossed around the possibility of a trip in March... we'll see what happens. It's kind of far away, considering the fact he usually only sticks around for four weeks at a time (based on past experience.) I'm not fooling myself here, just trying to be positive.

So anyway, our chat could have been much much worse. I do very much still want to be friends with him. And I don't want my feelings to wreck that possibility. Some would say I should take a step back and attempt to resume the friendship once I've moved on, but I'm not willing/able to do that.

I'm meeting someone else tomorrow - the guy I had been chatting with before H made his reappearance. I really am not holding out high hopes, but it will be good for me to do this, I think. I also signed up for eHarmony on Saturday night. I had to lie and say I was divorced so they'd take my money. But again, it's me trying to take control of a situation that I have little control over. And maybe a bit of a distraction.

Finally had the talk

I got the answer I needed tonight.

My question was, "What is it about me that makes me not date-able?"

It was kind of an on the fence answer. Better than a no-way-in-hell answer. I feel better now. Not perfect, but better. I guess I still feel like there may be some potential there.

He said a lot. He said that he even asked himself the same question Tuesday night, even before things turned physical. He went through the various points where we've been "together", and why things didn't work out then (I wasn't accused of anything - he accepted responsibility.) Told me that he's physically attracted to me, that we have the chemistry, that I'm attractive, intelligent, etc. He also recognizes that there is something that keeps drawing us together. Part of the reason is that I have small children. I don't fault him for it - he's past that stage with his children. Another part of the reason is that he wants to actually pursue the friendship with me. It's never actually had a chance with all of the other happenings. (And it's true, it hasn't.) He told me that perhaps in a year he will regret not pursuing me. And that he's not saying that there isn't a possibility. He also said that he wasn't trying to string me along. (Glad he acknowledged that.)

A few minutes ago I snagged him on MSN because I needed to add something to the conversation. In regards to the potential for regret on his part, I asked him to let me know if at some point in the future he realizes that he does have regret for not pursuing me, regardless of the circumstances. I don't want him to not tell me because I'm with someone else, and it would be inappropriate for him to do so... Maybe I'll be at a place where him telling me that would make me say, "Sucks to be you." Or maybe I'd throw caution to the wind and run to him. Either way, I think people should let the people they care about know how they feel... If you don't say something, the potential for something beautiful is never realized. It's all about the risk, right?

I can't predict the future, and there's no way to know if it will even happen.

He told me on MSN that if he pursued me, he wanted it to be for the right reasons. I asked what those reasons were. He told me that I knew them. I said that I didn't. (I'm done assuming.) After a bit of banter, he told me that he wants to date me because of feelings and not because of convenience. Fair enough. And preferable, really.

So... where does this leave me? Still hopelessly in love with the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. But I'm going to try my best to not sit around and wait for him because I don't want to waste my life away doing that. (here come the tears.) I'm meeting someone on Tuesday that I had been talking with prior to H's reappearance in my life. And I'm going to continue being H's friend. Tonight I feel good about things. By tomorrow I might be sad again.

I feel that out of respect to him and our friendship, I should take down all of the blog posts concerning him... but that would be a pain in the ass to sort through. So I'm thinking I'll just move everything back over to the other blog again, so it can remain intact. (I'm sure XH is breathing a sigh of relief at that too. ha.) I'll take a few days to decide. Like most of the people in my life, H doesn't realize this blog exists. And although I haven't identified him or shared any details of his story, I don't think he'd be happy with me for publicly sharing anything about him. And the handful of people who are close to me that do read this blog DO know who he is... it just doesn't seem fair to him.

Isn't it strange how one person call fall so hard for another and the other person doesn't feel the same way. But then, previously, I never did have his entire focus... he seems different now. More centered, more balanced. Perhaps his feelings *will* change over time. (That pesky hope won't go away.)

He did agree to go to my work Christmas party with me. Yay! (Well, there's the potential for a work trip at the same time, so it may not work out, but if he's here, he's going!) and I told him that I'd be happy to make plans for new years, and he said he's game. Plus I still have to take him out for dinner since he won the bet about whether he'd still be talking to me three days after last Tuesday night. We've already done so many things together over the past ten months that we're always taking little trips down memory lane, laughing about stuff that has happened to us (picture an old lady at a fundraising event telling us that three-week-old BG looks *just* like him. hahaha), so it will be fun to add some more memories over the holidays. :) Oh, and he told me he'd be willing to go south with me for a few days before I go back to work in March. Now, chances are, that won't happen... I'm not going to fool myself. Who knows what will happen between now and then. But I think I'll get my passport just in case.

We've both had a crazy year that has changed each of us... I feel like we're both coming out of it as better people.

I'll leave this up for a few days so everyone can get the conclusion. ;o) Thanks for sticking with me, gang.

Knotty mess

I had a bit of an amusing realization tonight. I'm in knots here, worrying... wondering. He is oblivious to the fact that I am. He thinks we're good. When he left early Wednesday morning, all was fine. When we talked last night, I didn't mention it because I want to have this talk face-to-face.

It's just amusing...

Tonight marks the end of day three. I told him Tuesday night that I expected him to fall off the face of the earth again after three days... the usual pattern. He assured me that he won't. We even have a bet on it. :) I hope he wins.

Poor XH had to listen to as I prattled on about this tonight, picked his brain, asked for advice... It was nice to have someone here to talk to about it. Someone who doesn't give false hope, doesn't seem to judge me for my irrational feelings, doesn't bash H, and doesn't minimize what I'm feeling.

Well, I've survived another day. One day closer to an answer. Just not sure how long the wait will be.

I wish now that I asked the question Tuesday night... but at that point, I only knew I wanted to address it and wasn't sure how. I need to stop kicking myself.

Here again

I'm a complete wreck. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My stomach is in knots.

I came to the conclusion today that I'm the cause of this grief. I need to face this head on. So I decided that I'd have him over to ask once and for all why he won't consider a relationship with me when (to me) we seem so good together when we are together. I was going to wait until a few more days had passed, see how things were the next time we saw each other, etc. Basically, I was putting it off. I texted this afternoon to ask if he had plans tonight and he said yes. So now I'm even more worked up because I'm assuming he's out with another woman - what if it's his ex and they get together again? What if it's someone else that he ends up being interested in? Since he didn't tell me what his plans were, I'm quite certain it is a date. The times when he's with another woman are usually the only times he doesn't share what he's up to. I feel like I've gone back in time... this pain is so familiar.

I asked him to let me know when he has a free evening... and told him that I have one more question that I need an honest answer for, and I don't want to discuss it via text, email, MSN, etc. I'm better with the words that way, yes, but I need to actually be able to see his reaction when I ask the question. I don't want him to have time to think about it and give me a line. I want the truth.

I suspect that the truth will sting. But then the dreamy side of me imagines him saying that he thought I wouldn't be interested in that after so much deceit on his part, and that of course he'd be willing to try, that he was afraid I'd say no if he had asked. I suppose it's good that I haven't completely given up hope.

I keep wondering if I'd be in this present state if I hadn't invited him in the other night. If we had just said goodnight after dinner. But really, it doesn't matter since I have no regrets because those extra five hours with him were amazing. The whole evening was. Good gawd, I just realized that we spent eight hours together that night.

When I went to bed at 4am yesterday morning, I was feeling really good about things. As yesterday went on, I started feeling the anxiety. But then last night we were texting throughout the evening, so I was feeling a bit better again. Today though, even though we've texted/MSNed on and off throughout the day, I'm a bloody wreck. And that is why I need to ask the question. At least if I ask the question and he gives me a reason why he's not interested like that, I can then find out how he imagines our friendship proceeding and decide whether that's something I'm okay with.

I don't think I've ever been so hopelessly in love with someone before... To the degree that all reason is cast aside and all that matters are my feelings.

I just want a chance to try to build real relationship with him. Maybe it won't work. Maybe he really isn't everything that I've built him up to be. Maybe I'd be the one to end it after I got it. I don't know. Or maybe he'd end up smashing my heart to smithereens. But for the chance to be with him and for the chance that it might actually be something beautiful, it's a risk I'd be willing to take.

Update... I just had a phone call from him, wanting to reassure me that he hadn't run off on me again. I also got an explanation on what he had been doing tonight. I was right, but it was just a female friend rather than what I was worried about. I feel a bit better right now. It might be a good time to try to get a bit of sleep.

This post can't explain how I'm feeling

Two days ago (Nov. 8) I received both an email and a phone call from H asking if I would go to dinner with him to catch up. We've been emailing back and forth a bit recently, and it wasn't until earlier in the day of the 8th that I actually emailed him first just to see how he was liking his new phone. It was a small attempt on my part to reach out to him. Somehow he recognized it and that was when he called and emailed.

I agreed and we went out tonight. He apologized. He gave me the explanations I asked for. We've never been so honest with one another. We both teared up a few times. He admitted he had been a jerk and an ass. That he had been insensitive. Oh, and we laughed our asses off.

I told him that I fully expected that he and her would get back together in three days and I'd be kicked to the curb again. He assured me that it wasn't going to happen. He recognizes that he's hurt me and that will take not only time but also him proving his words.

He left at 3am. I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying not to over think it. He wanted to make plans with me for New Years since we rang in the last new year together in front of our computers chatting, just a few days before meeting in person. I told him that I didn't think that planning ahead that far was a good idea. I take things so literally that if we make plans and they don't happen, it will be too hard on me.

So for now, I'm happy that I seem to have my friend back. I still have feelings for him. I'm quite certain he knows it. We'll see how things play out over the next while.

I'm a strange creature

We've been exchanging messages for over a week now. I was just thinking, "Hurry up and ask to meet me. This is getting stale." And then the, "So, any chance you will have a bit of free time sometime this week?" message arrives. And I suddenly feel sick and think, "Why did you have to go and ruin everything?"

Curious

When I write about all the drama in my life, and my poor broken heart, people seem to flock to the blog. When I write about my kids, or other every day stuff there are very few hits. Coincidence? Or is it that misery loves company? :)

Indecision

On our way home today, we were listening to Steven Page's Indecision. Baby Boy loves this song so much. He says, "Tee Pay!" as soon as he hears the beginning of the song, and asks for the song by singing, "Woohoohoohoo." I made the mistake of showing him the video on my iPhone the other night and now he begs to watch it. "Tee Pay! Woohoohoohoo. Phone."

This song is on my phone twice - I bought it as a single before the album was released, and then again with the entire album. It's good that I have it on there twice - Baby Boy's chances of hearing it are increased. ;o)

Anyway, I turned off the car to stop for the mail on the way home tonight, and the music turned off as well. I caught him actually singing the words, not just the "Woohoohoohoo" part! I always hate it when people stop the music while I'm still singing along, and there's that second where I'm still singing but there's no music for me to hide behind. But doing it to him today, although unintentional, was bloody fantastic! To hear his sweet little voice singing along... beautiful.

It all falls down

I took the children to visit my grandmother today. I don't go "down country" very often anymore. It's probably been over a year since I was last in that neck of the woods, not counting flying by on the highway.

It leaves me feeling sad when I go there. So much has changed, and in most cases, not for the better. Houses are falling down. Farms are no longer farms. Even in the case of my grandmother's place, the barn and pig sty are gone, the fields where my grandfather grew vegetables and we picked berries are now grassed over.

My grandparents' house used to be a hub-bub of activity when I was young. There was always a crowd around the table at meal time. People were constantly coming and going. Today, my grandmother lives alone in the same house, yet it is a completely different house. The kitchen table has been replaced with a much smaller table that might fit four people if they're willing to rub elbows. The driveway is hard to see for the grass. The only noise comes from the scanner, which is turned up far too loud... I can only assume it's to drown out the quiet. (Or maybe it's her version of Facebook - an attempt at stalking the world without the aid computer?) When we arrived today, both the radio and the scanner were blaring. After our arrival, the radio was turned off, and the scanner turned down to a level that was still much louder than I found comfortable.

While we were out today, I considered taking a drive by the house my other grandparents used to live in but I couldn't bring myself to do it. That house used to be like my second home. As a child, there were so many times where I preferred being there over my own home. I couldn't bring myself to do it though... from what I hear, the place is in rough shape.

Maybe next summer I'll do a bit of graveyard visiting... I've never been clear on the point of doing that, but sometimes I feel compelled to do it nonetheless.

Anyway, the point of all this? There is none. Just feeling sad about the circle of life, and the part of my life that I can never revisit.

Mail settings

I have my mail settings in the pond set so that anyone who wants to initiate contact with me must send a message with a minimum of 100 characters. This helps eliminate the "hey your cute wanna chat?" messages. (Note: "Chat" can be replaced with several other not so nice words. Also, I intentionally misspelled "your" to give a clearer picture of who it is that I'm trying to avoid.)

Some of the "brighter" guys have found work-arounds to this stipulation. Most will type the message above, and then flood the field with random characters until the minimum number of characters have been met. "hey your cute wanna chat?;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ..................................................... ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"

Today's guy was really on the ball though... check out the message he sent to me:

"hello you seem nice love to chat with you hun drop me a line i am a pretty cool guy i am living in SAINT JOHN NB XOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO"

Is your skin crawling? Mine is.

In other news, I've been exchanging messages with someone. It's the first time since doing the get-to-know-you thing with Mr. Twitter back in the summer. (If he's reading this, hopefully he's smiling at the reference. *grin*) Like most of these things, I doubt it will lead anywhere, but at least I'm talking to someone. It gives me a bit of hope, I guess. But overall, I don't feel like I'm putting myself out there like I had been. Things are okay, just a bit lonely by times.

My sweetheart

I've always been very affectionate with Baby Boy. It's in my nature, and I've always hoped that it would rub off on him.

Yesterday, he and I were planning on making a cheesecake, and I was hunched over the island reading the recipe while he stood on the chair next to me. Suddenly I felt his little hand rubbing my back affectionately. It was adorable.

Today he picked up his "woolly yeep" (the toy lamb that accompanies him everywhere - when you ask him what kind of animal it is, he says it's a woolly sheep) and said, "I love you, Baa." I was so happy to see him do this without any prompting. Perhaps I'll soon hear those words from him too.

I love my babies.