Ramblings

What a weekend. It's been jam packed and I've hardly left the house.

My parents came by yesterday to finish weeding out the basement and a bit of the barn. The dog-stenched carpet finally left the basement, along with the plethora of bottles left behind by XH. I was amazed how many of those bottles still contained booze. No idea that I had that much liquor sitting in the basement! It's all gone now, except for the remaining two bottles of Valpolicella from H. I took special care to ensure they weren't swept away in the purge.

Last night S and N visited. We had raclette and spent almost six hours catching up. It was fun, but I was up far too late.

Today, my parents returned, along with my brother. My father and brother tended to all of the yard work and my mother worked on cleaning the dirt that the dogs embedded into the concrete beneath the carpet. I'm lucky to have such generous work-horses as family. I'm not sure where they get the ambition. I certainly didn't inherit it.

Tonight I am feeling so tired of being around people.

I told a friend who called last night that I'd call him back today, but with my family here, I never got to it. I'm finally to a point in the day where I could pick up the phone (both babies are passed out) but after 2200 seems a bit too late to call. Hopefully he understands. I always wonder what people without kids think when I fall through on a promise of this nature because I always put the babies first. I suppose if they don't understand, then there really isn't much room for them in my life, is there?

Lately I feel like I'm just automatically assuming that people don't understand my need to put the babies first, and am immediately writing them off as a result. It's probably not smart, but I seem to be in "push everyone away" mode. I feel like I'm on the verge of becoming a hermit again. BG has refused a bottle of pumped milk the last two times I've left her, so now I'm hesitant to make plans that could take me away from the house for more than a couple of hours. That makes meeting someone for dinner or even a coffee difficult. But if you've never had kids, how can you possibly understand my need to be here for her? Maybe it's just a matter of XH and my mother being trigger happy with the bottle... trying to give it to her before she becomes too upset, when in reality she wasn't crying because she was actually hungry. I know her cues. I don't even know how I know, it's not something I consciously am aware of. She and I have a rhythm. Our bodies seem to work together. It's easier for me to be here for her than to try to give clear instructions to someone who isn't connected to her in the way that I am. But I can't bring myself to close the door on the dream of finding someone to fall in love with. I know she'll only be a baby once, and I have the rest of my life for love, but I can't let go or the loneliness will devour me.

Get your groove on

BB has always loved music. I remember taking him to a flyball tourney when he was a month old. Between races they played a Johnny Cash song. His eyes immediately opened and his head started bopping from side to side. A coincidence, maybe, but he really has always loved music, regardless of the genre.

N and I decided a month or two ago that we were going to check out a friend's band tonight. We figured our friend would be tickled to see us there (he was!) and about a week ago, I decided we'd take BB along for the ride.

The first 20 minutes BB sat quietly in his lawn chair. Getting his bearings. Taking it all in. Slowly you could see him becoming more comfortable. He started bopping his head. Then he was up and down from his chair. Eventually he was dancing on the grass. When a song would end he'd clap his hands and then put one finger up in the air and ask, "Un mor?" (One more? or Another?) Even when the concert was over and we were talking to our friend (like a couple of groupies) he was still asking for more. Apparently they don't do encores at these free outdoor concerts.

I think a few more concerts will have to be planned for the near future. It would be nice if the parking situation was a bit better though - there's no way I could safely lug both of the kids by myself if we had to park as far away as we did tonight.

I spent most of the evening people-watching. I guess that while BB is a dancer, I'm a voyeur. There was a cute old guy there wearing a Scottish tam, plaid shorts, and knee socks. He seemed sad during the concert. I wondered what his story was. I also saw a new friend there from a distance, but figured I wouldn't be able to get his attention without making a spectacle of myself. Perhaps next time.

All in all, a fun experience. Chalking this evening up as a success. Hurray for free concerts in the park!

Pink!

In the not too distant past, I felt that it didn't matter what colour BG wore. BB's too-small clothes would be fine for her, I said. By the time she was born, we had been gifted so many little-girl outfits that it wasn't necessary for her to wear any of BB's 0-3 month clothes (which is good, since I never had a chance to wash them up.) Now she's into the 3-6 month clothes, and there still isn't much need to dig into BB's cast-offs. The thing is, I don't want to dig into them. I suddenly like pink.

As a child I never liked playing with Barbie dolls. Perhaps I'm making up for lost time?

I prefer her in dark pinks to light pinks. Purple is a beautiful colour on her too. She's adorable in anything vibrant. I'm not one to buy a lot of clothes for the kids. Their grandmothers keep them outfitted quite nicely. But there have been a couple occasions recently where I simply couldn't resist the colours, knowing how sweet they would look on BG.

Isn't it funny how love blinds you? I've never seen a baby as beautiful as she is... dark hair, olive skin, perfect lips, dark eyelashes.

And this isn't a drug post either...

Way back in high school, a few lifetimes ago, my boyfriend, J, introduced me to incense. (No, we weren't stoners.) Anywhere we could find incense, we bought it. I recall my dad becoming very pissy with me over the whole thing. Maybe he thought we were up to "no good" with it? No idea. One night he came to my room and yelled at me because the cat was in there with me and the incense. Apparently incense can be detrimental to a cat's health? Again, I have no idea.

This morning, after my trip to the market, I stopped by Aura. As I was working my way around the store, slowly filling up my basket, I was suddenly hit with a wonderful smell. I looked to see what it was, and came across a display of incense. I'm not sure if it was the incense that smelled so good, or the sweet grass draped above the display, but the smell convinced me to put a package of incense into the basket.

When I got home, I realized that I no longer have an incense burner. I don't think I've used it in over ten years, so something like that would have disappeared years ago. I googled "makeshift incense burner" and found few suggestions that inspired me to make my own.

Yes, this is a cuddles-original incense burner. A hole punched in an empty berry box, incense stick shoved through the hole, a piece of tape on the inside of the box anchoring the incense, and a piece of foil to catch the ashes. (Yes, they could have dropped on the stove. I probably didn't need to waste the foil, but I didn't want to take a chance with my first attempt.)

Anyway, it did the trick. I'm impressed with myself. Normally I would have hopped in the car and headed back to town for what I needed.

And the incense? I'm incredibly happy with my impulse buy. And according to the manufacturer's website, the profits go to a clinic in India. Who knew $2.50 could bring so much good to the world.

Not a technical post

I've been itching for the new iPhone to be released in Canada. I've had my pink Razr for over three years now. I really have no real reason for wanting the iPhone specifically. A couple people I know have them. N has spent a bit of time showing off the pretty things hers can do. It seems so simple.

A couple other people have showed me their non-iPhone phones. (On a side note, why is everyone so proud of their phones? Why do they all think their phone is the best?) Their phones seem to do the same things I want my iPhone for, and would cost less money. But I still want my iPhone. The idea is in my head, it's now what I want.

I saw this video this morning and it reminded me of my current frame of mind. You can guess which character I see myself as. ;o)

Some days...

Life seems perfect. I couldn't ask for more and I wouldn't ask for things to be different.

Then there are days like today. I feel restless and housebound. I love my babies, but I want more. I need a rush. I need to not take it out on BB. He's only learning. He's doing his best. I need to do better.

It's not my children's responsibility to fulfill me. It's my responsibility. But my hands feel like they're tied.

Must do better. Must do better. Must do better.

One year ago

A year ago tonight, my precious BG was conceived. Had I known how things were going to turn out, she never would have happened. So scary. I never expected to be a single mother. I always said that I didn't have it in me to do that. Sometimes you don't have a choice and you have to make the best of a bad situation... if not for you, then for your children. But in doing it for them, I've found that it has also helped me in continuing to move forward.

BG and I have been together for a year. How do you celebrate this? Maybe some extra snuggles today.

Saturday's stray thoughts

- Recipes for Cheese-stuffed Dates with Prosciutto should NOT be delivered to my inbox. Cheese stuffed anything is usually A-1 in my books, and you typically can't go wrong with prosciutto, but the idea of mixing those two things with dates seems wrong. Very wrong.

- An unexpected late night phone call from someone on the other side of the country is a good thing. Especially when I spend half of the one hour conversation laughing my butt off.

- I wish I ate healthier on the weekends that BB is away. A McDonald's latte plus breakfast from BK is not a healthy breakfast. A package of Mr. Noodle and a small tin of Godiva dark chocolate pearls is not a healthy lunch. Two mini pizzas is not a healthy supper. Must try harder next weekend.

- Have been chatting on MSN with someone that I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of fighting with. It's weird.

- I think BG is going to be just as chatty as her big brother. She has babbled all day long. It's so adorable. She's also on the verge of rolling over. She can get onto her side, but can't get her arm out of the way to make it all the way over. And smiles! Oh my goodness she's so smiley. Such a little beauty who brings so much light into my life.

- BB spent the last two weekends with me as XH and I juggled weekends around to accommodate his schedule. Sending him off this weekend was incredibly difficult. I was very sad last night. Hopefully next weekend will be easier.

- I finally have my thank you cards done. Yes, my shower was in February. BG was born in March. It is now July. But I do have an excuse. It's called being a single mom to two little ones. I hope no one ever feels that they have to send me a personal thank you card for anything I ever do for them. Not that it's not a nice gesture, but life is just too hectic for everyone these days. And really, they're not exactly eco-friendly either. Just send me an email, please.

- As much as I love love love the newest T&S album, it's annoying that I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I listen to it. All because I took H to the concert with me in January, and they played all of the songs from the album. Why must I associate it with him? He didn't even like them. He's hardly on my mind anymore, but when I hear a song from that album, there he is again.

- I love listening to Leonard Cohen on the weekends that BB is away. At other times, I'm not feeling it. Maybe I just enjoy it more in the calm and quiet?

- I discovered today that the Dalai Lama is on Twitter. Or at least his office is. His tweets are great.

- My forehead is still twitching. Seriously.

- Mr. Adorable has quickly become Mr. Annoying and was blocked on my MSN almost as quickly as I added him.

- Poetry, eh? Kinda cool. I'm not feeling overly surprised about it. A painting blog might surprise me. Maybe not.

- I want to get some plants. I haven't killed the one I have yet. Time to try my touch on some others.

- I picked up some markers, paints and brushes for BB today. I'm looking forward to seeing the masterpieces he will create with them.

- Companies that say they will ship their products in an unmarked box to assure discretion, but then put "Personal Toys" on the customs label crack me up. Just sayin'.

- Listening to this Weezer song right now. It sounds like it should be playing at Chez Riz.

- I managed to enjoy about 20 minutes of sunshine this afternoon before BG woke up. That's 20 minutes more than I've managed to enjoy for a long time. Besides, sitting still that long proved to be difficult, even with a book to distract myself.

- BG has dozed off again. Time to get a few more things done. I'm moving and shaking today.

Go away, Bell!

I've been incredibly happy with the speed that the Bell's Palsy has cleared up, or healed, or whatever. However, today, I'm ready to rip my face off. Since waking up at 0600, the right side of my forehead, about a centimetre above my eyebrow, has not stopped twitching. At all. If I look in the mirror, I can actually see the skin jumping. I'm glad I decided to NOT go anywhere today.

I'm doing something right!

BB has a stuffed animal that he is very attached to. This sheep goes everywhere with him. S gave it to BG for Easter, but BB claimed it as his own. He changes the sheep's diaper. He shares his food, milk, and water with the sheep. And the best part? He nurses the sheep. As I sit nursing BG, he lifts up his shirt and nurses his stuffed animal. I'm proud of him for learning the natural way for a baby to eat, and proud of myself for setting the proper example for him.

Life is good.

Damn!

Yeah, he's hot. :)

And nice. He found a profile that belongs to a woman who lives near me and is also a single mom looking for friends, and contacted her in the interest of hooking us up.

I had to listen to a rather amusing conversation today about people getting together with others who are either significantly older or younger than they are. I sat there shaking my head, wondering what they'd say if they knew I was in communication with someone who is 15ish years older than I am. Oh well, it would give them something to talk about.

Hoping for friendship potential here at least... I usually enjoy the company of male friends over that of female friends (with a few obvious exceptions.) Less cattiness, less need to impress, etc.

More stray thoughts

- BG is three months old today! I swear she said "Dad" tonight while I was getting her ready for her bath. I emailed XH to share that with him. Hopefully he found it as amusing as I did.

- BB fell off the couch twice today - head first each time. Poor guy.

- After six months of annoyance, the sink in my bathroom is finally unclogged. My dad is great.

- Another thing my dad is great at? Yard work. I had no idea this place could look so good.

- The Bell's Palsy continues to improve. A week ago I would have said that it had been a while since I noticed any improvement, but I believe I've observed a slight change over this past week. I've also noticed at night that I can feel the muscles on the right side of my face twitching a bit again, similar to how they twitched when it first started to heal. My right eye is still more open than my left eye, and when I smile, I still think it looks like I'm baring my teeth with the right side of my mouth than actually smiling. Also, that side of my face still hurts if I press on it. TMG told me tonight that I shouldn't press on it then. Great advice! But I notice it most when I hug anyone - that side of my face always seems to get smooshed against them.

- Still on the vanity front, I'm getting my braces on August 12. I'm scared and excited. I need to have three or four teeth pulled at some point. Trips to the dentist's office fill me with anxiety. It's a huge financial commitment. Hopefully nothing bad happens at work for at least the next two and a half years!

- I'm losing interest in Mr. Adorable. The pond seems to create a fickleness in me that I rarely experience in real life. Maybe he's too enthusiastic. Maybe it's the spelling and grammar. Maybe it's that I find The Older Man I've been talking to for a few days longer to be far more interesting. I'm not even sure if I'm interested in The Older Man in *that* way, but in general I enjoy talking with him more, so he's overshadowing Mr. Adorable. And since he's a writer, spelling and grammar aren't an issue! I'm interested in finding out more of his story. I'm so out of his league though. But whatever, if nothing else, I've made a few friends from the pond... so perhaps he'll fall into that category as well.

- Speaking of which, I chatted with H for a bit tonight on MSN. More of the same with him. I only really felt bored with our chat. He claims he's happy. I'm glad for him. It's good that he's keeping in touch, but it annoys me that it's most likely behind his girlfriend's back.

- There is a wonderful passage in Little Women about Laurie getting over his love for Jo. I keep meaning to post it here. It reminded me of how I managed to let go of those incredibly intense feelings for H.

- I love fresh strawberries. I can't get enough of them. I have to compete with BB for them though. He can plow through a box of berries in very little time!

Time for sleep. Another busy day tomorrow.

Mmmmmuffins!

Today BB and I made a huge batch of lemon poppyseed muffins. Four dozen to be exact. When we arrived at the eggs on the recipe, I said to BB, "We need eight eggs! Eight eggs! Do you realize how many eggs that is?!" He looked at me, held up one finger and said, "Two!"

Mr. Adorable :)

I generally look for someone who has the whole package when choosing to correspond with a guy online. You know, looks, decent writing skills, etc. There's a guy whose picture I've admired for a long time in the pond, but I never worked up the nerve to message him because I didn't want to risk the rejection (I think I've mentioned before that I rarely initiate contact. The two small kids thing causes most people to say, "Thanks, but no thanks!" And that stings. It's good of them to be honest, but it still stings. I'm too sensitive.) Out of the blue the other day he messaged me! I nearly fell out of my chair! We've been exchanging messages regularly and he is completely killing the English language, but it really doesn't matter because he's so damn pretty, and as a bonus he's quite funny. Before I know it I'll be picking up his bad habits and writing about taking BB "too" the doctor or going "too" the store! ;o) He seems like an absolute sweetheart, so I'm okay with it. Maybe I need to stop being such a judgmental bitch? :) I'm proceeding with caution though. I remember the last "absolute sweetheart" I met back in January... we all know how that ended.

Like so many of these things, it will probably go no where. But for now, I'm excited that the adorable guy actually likes me back! :)

Saturday night musings

It was a beautiful sunshiny day in The Settlement today! I managed to wash and hang out three loads of laundry--one of them being a load of diapers. The sunshine is a wonderful stain remover.

XH popped out to visit with the kiddos this afternoon. I hate to admit it but I'm feeling a bit resentful of his freedom. I know that I was the one that pushed for children, but he did agree to them... and I never thought that I'd be doing this on my own when we went ahead with it all. This will pass. Before I know it I'll be upset that they're no longer babies who need their mama, right?

For the first time in a while I felt quite attractive today - almost sexy, even. And it was completely wasted as the only person (besides the kiddos) that I saw today was XH. *sigh*

I need to either start cutting back on what I'm eating or find the time to start exercising again. I miss running so much, but by the time the kiddos are settled down, I'm out of energy and am ready to crash as well. BG's evenings are becoming a bit less cranky, so perhaps if she continues to improve I'll be able to come to some sort of a compromise with her. ;o) I don't like what I'm seeing in the mirror right now. My weight isn't doing badly, but I'm soft and not toned. My tummy seems to have a new layer of fat on it. That all needs to change. I gave all my old "fat" clothes from four years ago (where does the time go?!) to charity shortly after BG was born, and I refuse to buy more.

S gave N and I gift cards for a local spa at Christmas. We're going to try to book appointments together for pedicures some Saturday morning. It's such a hassle to arrange for someone to watch the wee ones - especially if I'm going to leave BG behind. The only people I trust her with right now is my mother and XH. I don't like to use my opportunities to get out for frivolous things like this, but I think it might be a good idea. A bit of pampering might do me good.

Oh H...

Chatting with H on MSN... first time we've talked in almost two weeks.

I just laughed out loud for the first time today.

He did find The Diddler thing funny... and creepy.

I guess I really do still miss him.

Effword.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fungus

Ah... a random BNL line to start off a random blog post. :) I do love that line though.

You know my life is pretty non-dramatic at the moment when my biggest complaint of the day is that we're stuck here waiting for the septic people to show up and empty our tank. Maybe I need a bit of drama... Not crazy H-style drama, just a bit of everyday drama. Or maybe the word I'm looking for here is excitement.

I did almost email H yesterday--that could have caused some drama. "The Diddler" has suddenly reappeared in the pond and added me as a favourite. Definitely creepy. He hasn't messaged me or anything... hopefully he doesn't. That dude was an odd duck. I figured H would find it amusing, but considering how odd he acts now, perhaps the new H would only find some sort of paranoia in the whole thing. *sigh* I miss my buddy... the guy would would laugh his butt off over this with me. It's funny the impact someone I just met in January has had on my life. Perhaps someday I'll look back on our five-ish months of whatever-ship and it will only seem like a blip in time, but it still feels so fresh right now.

Had lots of laughs with N last night. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. She made tex-mex burgers for us (Mmmmm...) and she let me drink the neck from her bottle of beer. Okay, so she brought me a beer too, but there was no time to pump yesterday so my beer waits for me in the fridge. Since when do I like dark beers? Have I been so beer-deprived over the past three years that I'd drink anything? Okay, I know that's not true, I still don't want nasty old Mooshead or Alpine!

I made Hello Dolly squares the other night, but didn't have any pecans or walnuts, so I used almonds instead. They turned out okay, but I think I should have chopped the almonds first rather than using them whole. The problem with baking is that I end up eating most of it myself. Perhaps this is reason #40 to find a man - someone to eat some of the baking! Thankfully, XH was willing to take the remainder of his raspberry birthday pie home with him earlier this week!

Hurry up septic people! I don't like waiting! If I wasn't waiting for you, I could take the kids out of a walk and work off some of these squares!

Queen of the Flip-Flop

So, I was thinking today... part of being here includes accepting myself - where I've been, who I've been, etc. As I had mentioned recently, I let someone have access to all of my old blog posts. I started reading some of the old posts out of curiosity--I wondered what it was that this person was reading. It's hard to believe that some of that stuff was written by me! Looking at it now, I seemed so young and naive. Then I look at some of the posts from the past seven months... so much emotion... sadness, bitterness, anger, love...

I most recently hid all of my posts because I had this crazy idea that H might have somehow stumbled across all of *this* and would have been upset with me for sharing anything about him, even if it did all relate to me and my story. Another time I moved it all because I felt that I had to close the chapter on my marriage ending. And so on.

Tonight I moved it all back. It's here. All of it. Even the initial stuff that was never before published on this blog. It's funny to see me flip-flop on whether I'll use people's real names, etc. It's also funny how at various points I wanted to keep my blog happy and positive. I had a rough time doing that on the good days and over the last seven months it's hardly seen any positivity. But I think this blog has served as my life line over the past several months. I sorted out my thoughts here (although the posts don't appear that way! Some are a bit befuddled and crazed sounding) and ultimately I maintained my sanity here.

Perhaps at some point I'll become camera shy again and tuck them all away. I seem to be the Queen of the Flip-Flop. But for now, they're here.

So Disgusting!

T, one of my BFFs, came to visit me today with her two little ones. I made waffles for lunch, since her little guy was disappointed the last time they visited because I made spaghetti instead of my trademark waffles. My maple syrup is in a 2L jug and I wanted to put some into a smaller container that would make it less cumbersome to pour - when pouring from the 2L jug you tend to get far more syrup than you bargained for! I decided that my cream container (from an ancient Tupperware cream & sugar set) would be ideal for holding and pouring the syrup. But when I took it out of the cupboard, it was heavy. I wondered if perhaps I had put sugar in it by mistake at some point. I gave it a little shake and something sloshed inside of it. (Do you see where I'm going with this?) Very carefully I cracked the top open and was hit with the smell of rotten milk. I dumped it down the drain and a huge clump of cheese? yogurt? no idea! sat in the drain. EW! The last time I recall using the cream container was at BB's birthday party almost a month ago.

Yuck.

Dashing dreams

Way back in high school, I decided that I wanted to be a funeral home director. At the time, you had to go away to school in Nova Scotia (Kentville maybe?) and at 18, I wasn't ready to move that far away from home all by myself. There was really no encouragement from my parents, so the dream was pushed aside and I went with my second choice.

I found out today that there is now a correspondence course that I can take to enter this field. To say I was excited is an understatement. Who knows whether or not I'll actually pursue it, but it's definitely interesting to look into, and it's nice to know I have the option now.

I was excitedly telling my mother about this and this is her response: "Well, it's a lot of evenings... weekends. A lot of shift work. You don't want to deal with that." WTF? Thanks for your bloody encouragement. I really should know better than to mention anything that might be the least bit risky to her, because there's no way I'll get any support on it. Sure, if life throws me a curve ball (like last fall) she's all over it, wanting to help, wanting to do all the work to pull me through, wanting to rescue me. But when it comes to going out on a limb because I want to, and because I know that in the long run it would make me happier, it's met with negativity.

Lately I'm having a hard time biting my tongue around her. I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete bitch, but I'm really getting tired of being told what I do and don't want. My response today was, "Yes, it might be, but it would be nice to have a job that I love and am not miserable doing every day. Plus, my current job probably won't be around much longer." It doesn't sound so bad typed out, but trust me, the daggers I was shooting at her made this sound much more bitter, and I know she picked up on it. No apology ensued, just silence. *sigh*

Trying to ignore the whisper

I've said all along that BG is my last baby. I don't like the idea of taking the risk of a future relationship not working out and being left behind with a third child. If I were to meet someone incredibly special and they had a need to have a child, perhaps I would consider it, but like the idea of remarrying, it's definitely something I would not push for.... and that person would have to be pretty darned special for me to even contemplate the thought.

And then today I was putting away laundry and noticed the package for my Bella Band. It says something like, "Ok, you're pregnant." I glanced at those words and my heart soared a bit. I thought, "I am?" (Immaculate conception, anyone?) For a brief moment I was excited at the prospect. I recall it was around this point in BB's young life that I started trying to ignore the twinges for another baby. Is this what being female is all about? Always wanting just one more baby? Because after those twinges started, I began to think about how much pregnancy agrees with me, how easy childbirth was this time around, how much I enjoy being a mom, how if I can do it on my own this time, I could definitely manage a third if I actually had a significant other to help.

These thoughts need to go away. I need to go back to being rational and negative.

I've gotta ask...

Now that I'm here, what the heck am I supposed to do with myself?

Because this is easier than actually thinking...

1. What time did you get up this morning?

I woke up at 08:00. I didn't actually get up until 10:00

2. How do you like your steak?

Medium, thanks. Cooked enough so the centre isn't cold and the rest of my food isn't floating in blood. Is that too much to ask?

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Percy Jackson & The Olympians... with H in February. Yeah, I don't go to many movies.

4. What is your favorite TV show?

Friends or Star Trek

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Fredericton.

6. What did you have for breakfast?

This is embarrassing... today I had some dark chocolate and coffee. I tend to eat poorly on the weekends that BB is away... In my defense, I *did* have a spinach and feta wrap for lunch though.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Indian

8. What foods do you dislike?

Asparagus. I tried. I really did. Oh, and shrimp because it makes me really ill. And mango and I aren't friends... I'm not a fan of the swollen lips and tongue.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Oh gosh... where to start? Chez Riz, McGinnis Landing, Cora's, Isaac's Way, Relish (hmmm... I'm noticing a downtown theme here.) Oh, and my own kitchen, of course - especially on Tuesday nights.

10. Favorite dressing?

I'm not sure if I have a favourite... I get tired of dressings easily.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?

One with four wheels and a hole chewed in the roof... (Love you, Horsie!)

12. What are your favorite clothes?

Hmmm... I love my grey hoodie, jeans, and cargo pants. But lately I've been loving any opportunity to dress up now that my work clothes are just sitting in my closet. Yes... I even dressed up to go to the orthodontist last week.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Somewhere south and hot. I'm thinking a resort where I can lay on a beach and put my feet up while not worrying about a damn thing. Maybe I'd want adventure another time, but not this trip. I'm sooo going to do this soon. Okay, maybe the braces are going to slow down this goal, but it is going to happen! Oh yes, it is.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Lately it's been 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire?

Fredericton. It's my happy place.

16. Favorite time of day?

Depends on the day and my mood.

17. Where were you born?

Fredericton

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Flyball. :)

19. What does your last text say?

Ugh, this is a long one... "I am going to be about 5 min late there is an accident on brookside dr"

20. What does your second to last text say?

"Don't leave!" ...sent from across the room. :)

21. Your third to last text?

Seriously? This is getting old... "Hey cute stuff"

22. Bird watcher?

No, ornithology isn't my thing. I sometimes feel a bit out of place with S & N since they're both avid bird watchers.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

It depends on the day and the level of caffeine in my system.

24. Pets?

At this point, three dogs remain and one very sick kitty. It's been a rough year animal-wise. None of my pets live with me anymore though. :(

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?

I recently found out that The Trews and Big Sugar are playing at Harvest this September. Must. Get. Tickets.

26. What is your best childhood memory?

Ummm.... I'm not sure how to select the best. Maybe walks in the woods with my dad? Playing library or lotto booth (lol) with my brother?

27. Siblings?

One brother.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

I like both, but I tend to favour dogs these days.

29. Are you married?

Technically, I guess so. Really? Nope. Actually, we should be signing the "official" separation agreement any day now.

30. Always wear your seat belt?

Always always always.

31. Been in a car accident?

One when I was a kid, and then I was the cause of a small one the first winter I was driving. Stupid ice and stupid sharp turn into my apartment's driveway.

32. Any pet peeves?

So many. Where to start?

33. Favorite pizza topping?

Can I pick two? Fresh mushrooms. Cheese. Lots of cheese.

34. Favorite Flower?

Lilacs

35. Favorite ice cream?

I have to pick just one flavour? I'll often get mint chip & fudge if I'm getting an ice cream cone from a store. At home I often buy heavenly hash. Lately I've been picking up frozen yogurt though... so much less fat. I've been digging on a nanaimo bar frozen yogurt recently. Mmmmmm... It's a weird yellow colour though.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?

Arby's. BK. McD's. It's all so wrong.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

Zero.

38. From whom did you get your last email?

Facebook notifying me that a friend/co-worker had sent me a message.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Ricki's or Reitmans... or the Superstore. I love grocery shopping!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

No, lately my life is carefully planned. The person who brought spontaneity into my life is no longer around. (See? He wasn't all bad. I just didn't share much of the good stuff because I didn't want to jinx it. Guess it didn't matter in the end.)

41. Like your job?

Which one? The SAHM job I'm doing right now? It's not bad. I have my moments. I love being with my kids and am very fortunate to be able to take the entire year with them, but knowing that I'm the only one here for them most days wears me down easily.

42. Broccoli?

I like it lightly cooked. I typically don't enjoy it raw and Over cooked = disgusting

43. What was your favorite vacation?

Perhaps the summer after XH and I were married? We went to SJ and Moncton... I've never really gone on any "real" vacations.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?

H and his kids. Oh wait, that was breakfast. That must count though, right? Because I can't remember who I last went out to "dinner" with. Most likely H though, but I'd be going back a while for that one. ...say McGinnis in February?

45. What are you listening to right now?

The hum of my Netbook and BG's breathing.

46. What is your favorite color?

Really, there isn't one. But for the sake of simplicity, I'll say black.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

One, comprised of multiple smaller parts. :) ...for now.

48. What are you wearing?

My chicks in love jammies.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?

22:28

50. Coffee Drinker?

Hells yeah.

Socks

Note to self: Next time you meet a guy (or anyone, for that matter!) for a walk, set your vanity aside and wear socks. Blisters on top of your blisters from earlier this week are NOT fun. But you're realizing that, aren't you? Silly girl.

I'm Finally Here

I'm wondering what today will bring...

One thing I do know - I think this is the time that everyone has been telling me about. I've finally reached the point where I don't feel like I HAVE to be with someone. It's been a long and very needy (almost) seven months. The time has actually gone by quick, but when I think of it in terms of the emotional roller-coaster I've been on, it seems long. So much has happened. So much has changed.

Right now I'm happy. I'm content. I'm okay.

Is it weird that I'm hoping that today brings nothing, just so I can avoid any more drama in my life?

Two nights of silliness in a row

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

Water.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?

On my parents' couch. Not that you can tell from the picture.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?

I've never tried. I'm guessing I wouldn't be very good at it, considering the fact that I've yet to learn about rhythym.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?

Hmmm... today has been light on the laugher. Probably K & A when they were here tonight.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?

I think I was settled in and asleep before 23:30. It's a regular time to be up until with BG, although tonight, it appears that she's down for the count a bit early.

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

In the winter it would be nice to be closer to town. But for the moment, I'm content here... I'm so lazy... the idea of moving is scary.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?

No. I'm not a huge fan of fireworks. Stupid people take their dogs there. When I see scared dogs at these things, it makes my heart break. They don't understand that they're *just* fireworks.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?

N. I can look out a couple of my windows and sort of see her place through the massive amount of trees.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?

I'm living proof.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?

I used to like it as a kid. Then I started using Dr. Pepper lipsmackers. The next time I drank Dr. Pepper, I almost puked. It felt like I was drinking my lip gloss! *shudder* I haven't tried it since.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?

Hmmm... May 8, maybe? I can't even remember now how hard I cried, or if it was just that the dull ache arrived that day... All of that drama is a bit of a blur now.

12. Who took your profile picture?

I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?

BB. He was snuggled up on the floor on the new quilt his grandmother made for him.

14. Was yesterday better than today?

No, today was fine. Went to the doctor... had more action than I've had in quite some time. Bought my father's bday present. Picked up some pics of the kids that I had printed and bought some frames to put them in. (One more step towards turning my house into a home.) Oh, and I mowed most of my lawn. It felt amazing. Freeing. It's been almost three years since I've done that. I would have liked to have finished it myself, but... two acres isn't small (on top of mowing around all of the woodshed debris that was left in the yard) and my sitter had to leave. And I had Dimitri's for supper. Mmmmm... AND K & A came over. Yeah, today was definitely better than yesterday.

15. Can you live a day without TV?

I live 99% of my days without TV. But don't take away my computer.

16. Are you upset about anything?

No, I'm surprisingly at peace right now.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

Hells yeah.

18. Are you a bad influence?

Nope. Not usually.

19. Night out or night in?

Night in. Not that I don't enjoy nights out with the right people.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?

Lip balm. A method of connecting to the Internet.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?

The last person I know of that was in the hospital was me. Prior to that, it was BB. Does staying with him in the hospital count as visiting?

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?

No idea since my phone was fried the other night. I could look at my replacement phone's inbox and see what the last message N received was, but somehow that isn't the same.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?

More content than I've been in months. It will pass. Restlessness will return. And then the search will resume.

24. Do you hate anyone?

No. Hate eats at you. There are people I dislike. There are people I choose to not associate with. But I do not hate anyone.

25. If we were to look in your FaceBook inbox, what would we find?

Too many messages waiting for responses. The most recent was from a friend who sent me a link to an article on how to save a drowning cell phone. Unfortunately, her attempt at help arrived too late to save mine.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?

Yep. There's never been a time in my life when I would have failed. Goody goody.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

I call myself perfect every other day. ;o)

28. What song is stuck in your head?

Four Seconds by BNL (How fantastic is it that Tyler actually sings in this one?!)

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?

Oh, I dare someone to knock on my window. Are they wearing stilts? Even if someone *were* to wear stilts to knock on my window, I have no idea who I'd want it to be. Perferrably someone not creepy, I guess.

30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?

That's not my decision to make. But really, my kiddos would have to be awfully young to be dabbling at reproducing in order to give me grandkids before I'm 50... so probably not the best thing in the world.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow.

Only one? Okay, wash diapers.

32. Do you think too much or too little?

Probably too much. I'm always replaying conversations over in my head... disecting, looking for hidden meanings, etc.

33. Do you smile a lot?

I do, yes. Even if it is still a bit asymmetrical. *Shakes fist at Bell's Palsy*

I needed something to do tonight...

Before BB's arrival, I used to do these silly Q&As on FB all the time. Now my life is more complicated, and there are so many family members on my friends list... they don't need to know all my personal junk!

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to?

Patrick Stewart. :)

Does anything hurt on your body?

I have a blister on my foot that I'd be happier without. But it's not causing me a tremendous amount of pain. Just a mild annoyance.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

N

Would you forgive a cheater?

I have.

Do you wear your feelings all over your face?

I'm quite certain I do. And if my feelings aren't on my face then take a look at my sleeve and you'll find my heart.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?

I'm not certain what the future will hold for me. Perhaps, if the right person were to come along, and they want to be married to me, but I'd never push to go down that road again though.

Where did you last sleep besides your house?

The Hilton in SJ.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?

BB or BG... but that seems obvious since they're constantly with me. Aside from them, maybe H? Not certain.

Where were you at 2:02 this morning?

Asleep in my bed.

Who was the last person besides family that you saw in person?

N.

Honestly, what would you rather be doing right now?

I'm okay with what I'm doing (nursing BG)... waiting for sleep to arrive for the night.

Have you ever been called a bitch?

Oh gosh, yes.

What's your favorite movie?

My favourite since I was six years old has been National Lampoon's Vacation. I recently fell in love with The Shawshank Redemption after watching it with H.

Do you believe everyone has a soul mate?

No. Or at least not just one. I'm sure there's more than one "perfect person" out there for me. Otherwise, how could I possibly have hope of finding that one person in the whole world that is my soul mate? Not gonna happen if that's the case.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a L?

Not that I'm aware of... there were a few random make out sessions back in my Sweetwaters days though. (How many lifetimes ago was *that*?!)

Who was the last baby you held?

BG

Do you like your life?

I do actually. There are lots of days where I feel like I don't, but overall, I don't have a lot to complain about. I just seem to reach the end of my rope far too frequently at the moment.

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?

H knows just about everything. XH is pretty damn close to that.

What are you most excited about?

Braces in August, as long as my financial calculations work out... hopefully Excel and I will have a bit of quality time this weekend.

Do you like pancakes?

Yes! I make wonderful blueberry oatmeal pancakes. Mmmmm....

Have you told anybody you love them today?

BB and BG.

What are you doing for your next birthday?

I see it's on a Saturday, so most likely something with my family. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that at the moment.

Do you fall for people easily?

When there is chemistry, I do. Indeed.

How often do you give high fives?

Several times a day. It amuses BB.

Do you like surprises?

Generally, in my world, surprises haven't been positive things.

When is the next time you'll see your closest friend?

I'm not certain who my closest friend even is... there are three of them at the moment... I'll see N anytime, no idea when I'll see T again, but I've been thinking we should try to make a trip to visit her next week sometime, and I'll see XH on Friday.

Are you better at math or art?

Math. Hands down.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

My toothbrush.

Do you believe ex's can be just friends?

I'm living proof. I'm the girl that becomes friends with all of her exes it seems.

What do the majority of people in your life call you?

By my name.

Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?

Over the past year, repeatedly.

Did you have a good day?

It wasn't the best, no.

Are you mean?

Some people probably think so. I'm honest, and I try to do the right thing.

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?

I'm more likely to be attracted to someone with dark hair. But even better than that is grey hair. Mmmm....

When people say "I don't ever talk about anyone" do you believe it?

Impossible.

Would you ever become a vegetarian?

No. I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do enjoy my meat.

Do you currently have a hickey?

Hells no.

Have you ever had a boy best friend?

Yes.

Are you a morning person or a night?

I've become more of a morning person over the past few years. When I was young, it was all about the nights.

Did you date anyone this summer?

Summer hasn't started yet. But the horizon is looking bleak.

Do you hate being alone?

Hate is a strong word. Sometimes I like being alone.

Are you tanned?

I'm not trying to be, but I've noticed my arms, face, and chest getting darker recently, in spite of my sunblocking efforts.

How many cell phones have you had in your life?

I fried my second cell phone last night when it fell out of my back pocket and into the toilet. :( Boo.

When the tables turn

I'm not sure what's worse... being hurt or hurting someone. They're both incredibly shitty. Proud of myself for doing the right thing, but feeling like a jerkface.

BB's Favourite Song

This has been BB's favourite song for over a year now. Every time he goes near the computer he points at it and says, "Bog!" (well, it used to be "Ba!") demanding that I play this video for him. We even listen to this song during most diaper changes. Surprisingly, I'm not even remotely sick of it (or any of the other songs on this album!)

Sunday Night Randoms

I'm not sure if I've ever done a Sunday night randoms post before...

-XH gave BB a buzz cut last weekend. One week later and I'm still loving it.

-I bought a package of smoked salmon last Saturday night when I ran into town for a few groceries to take my mind off the *ahem* incident. I had intended to pick up some crackers and cream cheese to enjoy it with, but in my distractedness, I completely forgot. It's still sitting in my fridge. I'm hit with the smell of smoked fish every time I open the door.

-Speaking of the incident, I've seen his number on my phone a few times this week but I've been out each time he's called. Oh drat. hehe.

-At 01:25 this morning, I received a text out of the blue from H. I was still up, so I replied, then he asked if he could call. My phone rang before he even received my response. My assumption that he had gotten back together with the ex-girlfriend had been correct, but apparently it didn't work out. So hey, when you get the urge to talk to someone in the middle of the night, why not resort to your Plan B (aka cuddles)? Yeesh. Interesting thing though. When I received his text I started vibrating from head to toe, much the same way I did when I received the FB message earlier in the week. But once I started talking to him I just felt annoyed. Yes, I still care, how could I not? But what he's going through has changed him, and not for the better. I just kept hoping the conversation would soon be over so I could return to what I had been doing. Once again, my anger has gotten me over the hump.

-At 08:19 this morning, guess who called again. Yeah. Needed me to look something up online for him as he was on the road. At least he admitted that time that he was just calling because he needed something. I'm sure eventually I won't be annoyed with him when/if he calls, but at the moment I am.

-Apparently if my cell phone is on vibrate and I miss the call, it will vibrate off of my nightstand and on to the floor. Who knew?!

-I bought an "all natural" toothpaste recently and cracked it open today for the first time. Tonight as I was brushing my teeth, I read the package and it has SLS in it! Had I noticed that, I probably wouldn't have shelled out the extra money for it.

-Twenty more days until my current cell phone contract expires. I can't wait. Bring on the iPhone!

-Two more days until I have the consultation with the orthodontist. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they won't ask for my first born as payment.

-I've been staying up far too late recently, but it's been so damn much fun.

-I was singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider to BG today, and BB ran to the living room, reappeared a moment later, and thrust his Itsy Bitsy Spider book into my face. Ah, thank you dear, now I'll definitely be able to sing the correct words!

-BB was asking for something that sounded like "duct tape" at supper time tonight. I had no idea what he wanted and then he began pointing at the "treat" cupboard and saying it. I asked, "Are you saying chocolate?" Yep, that's what he wanted. He won't attempt to say his own name, but he can say chocolate. That's my boy!

-I'm happy.

Blah

I really dislike coming down off the happy cloud. I've spent so little time up there lately that it felt weird at first... but I had grown to like it. A lot. At the moment I feel like I'm sitting on the ground staring up at the cloud, wondering how the hell I managed to fall off. Stupid words.

Thanks for your concern... but I'm not biting.

One of my dogs passed away very unexpectedly on Tuesday. I had planned to write a post on him, but haven't gotten to it yet. At this point, I probably won't get to it, because if I don't do these things right away, I never do. To say it was all very shocking and upsetting is a definite understatement.

Anyway, on Tuesday, I changed my profile picture on Facebook to a picture of me and Puppy that was taken almost three years ago. Suddenly tonight, I received a message on FB from H asking me if I got a new dog. This was completely out of the blue, since I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. I don't understand how he even saw my picture unless he was searching for me, since I'm not on his friends list after the incident three weeks ago. Anyway, I replied and told him that no, it was an old picture and that Puppy had died this week. He replied back to send his condolences and acknowledge how I must be feeling. At that point, I was left wondering, "Do I reply to say thanks?" The polite side of me felt like I should, but my gut said, "Just leave it be." A moment later I noticed that his profile picture had changed... instead of being a picture of him and his ex (who I can only guess had become his girlfriend again after I was tossed aside... most likely the reason I was tossed aside) it was a picture of only him. Suddenly I had his words running through my head. "When guys find themselves alone, they go back to what they know. They go back to mama." Not sure if that's what might have been going on or not, but I wasn't biting. I sent a quick IM to XH for his advice (yeah, I know, I never thought I'd see the day that he would be giving me that sort of advice!) and he agreed that I should LEAVE IT. *snicker* And that's what I did. I made a choice and I feel good about it.

I don't think I want him in my life like that anymore. He's been in my thoughts less and less over the past couple of weeks. I'd be willing to be his friend but I've been wondering if perhaps he simply can't have a female friend. You know the type?

There *is* something better out there for me. Someone who doesn't crave (and create!) the drama. Someone that I don't always have to be on guard with. Someone who accepts me the way I am. Perhaps it's just around the corner? Maybe. Maybe not. Hopefully...

Eight more days!

I just realized that today is May 31! Eight more days until I see the orthodontist! I'm giddy with excitement. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd look forward to putting myself in this sort of pain. Not that I haven't wanted the end result, but finally taking charge and doing it feels so empowering. I need to do more things like this for myself. I'm looking forward to the new me, both inside and out. :)

Big Step

I just offered to share a recent post with someone who doesn't read the blog. It means this person will be able to read the blog if they choose to now. It's a bit of a scary big step... but I like this person, so perhaps letting them "in" won't be a bad thing? *gulp* I just need to remember that this is still my space... I'm not going to censor my thoughts or feelings... the same way I'm not sugar coating things just because I know XH is reading. I've only ever intentionally offered up my blog to one person before (Hi ML!) so this is pretty big.

Fooled

I set the alarm on my cell phone last night so I'd wake up in time to meet A for breakfast. I noticed that I already had an alarm set for 06:45 on my phone, so I activated that one. I had named it, "H 6:45". I vaguely recall him asking to me give him a wake-up call one morning because he had to pick up his boss or something like that. Anyway, this morning when the alarm went off, in my sleepiness I grabbed the phone and saw his name on the display. My first thought was, "HUH?" and then I thought that maybe he might need something (really, the only reason he's going to call me now would be if he needed something - desperately needed something. It's been almost two weeks since I last heard from him after all.) My next thought, keeping with the "he might need something" mindset was, "Should I call him?" Wowzas. Thank goodness at this point the not-enough-sleep wake-up fog cleared my head and I realized it was the name for the alarm displaying on my phone and NOT an attempt by him to contact me.

Thinking he was trying to reach me excited me for a brief moment. Then I remembered how bloody angry I am with him. But I still hate the fact that we're not talking. It's all so stupid and confusing.

This just dawned on me... the promise to never lie to me again was a lie.

Anyway, this city is so small, I'm guaranteed to run into him at some point. I hope I can handle it without having to run in the other direction and without becoming an awkward freak. I really do feel bad about the mess everything turned into. Not that the blame belongs to me. Not entirely anyway.

On the bright side, I don't think about him constantly anymore. I'm picking up the pieces and moving on.

Uncomfortable

OMG. I have a friend in SJ who is having women problems. A lifetime ago he was my rebound after J and I split up. We've kept in touch over the years via email and the occasional phone call but we haven't seen each other in seven years. He has called a few times recently to talk. I'm okay with that, I don't mind being a friendly ear. For some reason I have this need to help people when they're going through a difficult time. He called about an hour ago and said he was in the area and asked if he could pop by for a few minutes to say hi and get a hug. Of course I said yes. So he came out and we sat and talked about his current situation. As he's leaving he gives me a hug good bye. The next thing I know he's putting the moves on me! WTF?! Okay, you're separated from your wife who wants to get back with you, you have a girlfriend that you say you love but she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and you're putting the moves on ME? Thanks, but no thanks.

I Run Away

Out of the blue the other day I messaged someone in the pond. I had been looking at his profile the previous day and noticed that he had so much detail that the site cut him off mid sentence. I chuckled and moved on. Then the next day I noticed that he changed his headline to acknowledge what had happened. I went back to his profile to see what he had changed, and saw that the system cut him off yet again in mid sentence. Laughing to myself, I sent him a note to tell him that it had happened again. (Note: I typically don't initiate conversations with the fish. I let them come to me.) I liked his profile. He could actually communicate. His pictures make it hard to see what he looks like though. I like to confirm the potential for chemistry with pictures.

Anyway, online, we are getting on smashingly. We've exchanged dozens of emails over the past couple of days. The first day I was thrown off. Significantly. He was coming on a bit strong. My initial reaction was to run away. Very quickly. XH was here at the time and I was filling him in on the situation. I've recognized that the relationships that I want the most are the ones where I need to work a bit for it. If a guy shows too much interest, I jet. I can remember the times in the past when I had the same icky feeling... when my grade ten boyfriend gave me a cheesy, tacky, V-day gift, or even back in grade six when a boy I had a crush on liked me back and wanted to "go out" with me. At that point, even that felt like too much! Looking back, with XH, H, and even the one-offs before XH, in each case, the ones that I really wanted didn't throw themselves at me. They expressed interest, but not in an overwhelming sort of way. XH suggested that since I haven't had much luck with the ones that I need to work for, maybe I should give it a try when someone is more interested in me than I am in them. (Okay, I know those weren't your exact words, XH, but that was the gist, right?) Coincidentally, the guy seemed to recognize that he might have come on a bit strong, and I agreed. (Yay for me not just brushing it under the rug!)

Since then, it's been a non-stop email frenzy. Okay, so I don't email much during the day... a one liner here and there, but once my house is settled, I spend the rest of the evening playing catch-up. I don't know if he's the one I'm looking for. I was hoping to find someone active and outdoorsy. I don't think that's him. Maybe there is the potential for a good friend? But look what happened with the last "good friend" I made from the damn pond...

Not that I'm ruling out the possibility of something more, but I feel very cautious. I'm holding back. Not jumping in feet first. For now though, I am enjoying our conversations and getting to know one another a bit. That's the right way to do things, right??

BG's Story

Eight weeks ago tonight all this began! I'm finally just getting around to sharing the story! I've started this a few times, but have been unsuccessful in finishing it until now. Here is the story of BG.

On the evening of March 25th, I realized that time was running out, and that I needed to take a final baby bump picture before the baby actually arrived! So I set up the camera and managed to get a picture. Shortly after my photo shoot, H called and said he was coming over for a visit. It was a nice visit... we laughed and talked. It was the first time I had seen him in almost three weeks. After he left we talked online until about 1am. During that time, I uploaded my new baby bump pic to Facebook. After chatting with H, Melissa and I exchanged comments on my bump picture, and I told her that I didn't think that the baby would be coming for a while yet as I was far too comfortable to be ready to go into labour anytime soon! At around 01:30 I realized that I should go to bed, after all, my due date was March 27, and if I were to go into labour within the next couple of days, I might regret missing out on that chance for sleep! I noticed that my back was hurting a bit, but I chalked it up to laying in a bad position with the Netbook and the belly. (It wasn't not the first time I had done that!)

At 2:30 am I woke up not quite feeling right. Suddenly I was hit with what I thought might be a contraction, but I wasn't sure. (I was induced with BB, so I had no idea what to expect going into labour on my own!) When I was hit with another soon after, I started timing them as best I could by myself. 4 minutes apart. I told myself that it must be false labour, because there was no way I could possibly have gone into labour so quickly!

Shortly after 3:00 am, I started composing an email to XH to relay all the info regarding BB that I had been planning on passing on to him when he picked him up that night... just in case this was the real deal and I wouldn't be able to tell him what he needed to know.

By 3:30 am I decided that I should call A as the contractions were still 4 minutes apart and not showing any signs of letting up. She agreed that it probably wasn't the real deal and suggested I call her back in an hour or two if I wasn't able to get any sleep.

As the next hour progressed I tried to time my contractions, but it was difficult to time them while dealing with them. I tried to distract myself by swimming in the pond (OMG, yes, I was in labour and trying to find a new man!), and looking at the labour website A had sent to me earlier in the week. One of the items on the website was a checklist of what to take to the hospital with you. It included warm socks in case your feet get cold. I hadn't packed warm socks, but there was a basket of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that had warm socks in it. So I laid on my floor, pawing through the basket of laundry while suffering through contractions, trying to find a warm pair of socks. *shaking head* I obviously wasn't thinking right at this point. I was becoming more and more scared. All alone with a 22 month old, outside of the city, and no support. And once again I was wondering, "How did this become my life?"

By 4:30 am I realized that it most likely *was* the real deal as I was trying not to push and the contractions were 2 minutes apart, on top of a host of other symptoms I was experiencing that jived with what I read on the labour website. I called A again, and demanded that she and my brother head to my place immediately (about a 20 minute drive.) I then called XH to make arrangements for him to take BB earlier the next day than originally planned. Having to talk to him during all of this was murder. I had to deal with contractions while talking to him, and showing any signs of vulnerability to him was not something I wanted to do.

At around 05:00 help still had not arrived. I contemplated calling N to come over, but I knew that this wasn't something she would want to deal with (and really, we had made so many jokes about her having to deliver the baby, that it just seemed weird to actually suggest it might happen!) I even considered calling H just to have him talk me down and tell me that no, I still had lots of time, be calm, etc. Instead I called A again and demanded to know where she and my brother were. I wasn't very nice about it. (Turned out they weren't rushing as they thought they had lots of time... they took their dog out to pee, got dressed, didn't drive more than 10kph over the speed limit, etc.)

They arrived at 05:15. I was standing at the island in my kitchen holding on for dear life, bellowing through my contractions. The look on my brother's face told me that he knew we all had to move quickly. A asked me if I was nauseous (yes, I was nauseous and drenched in sweat) and then the realization hit her that this was the real deal. I managed to calmly explain to my brother which bags from my room needed to be loaded into the car, had him get me the garbage can from the bathroom to take with me in case I was sick in the car, directed him to find a pair of flip flops for me from my closet, had him grab my camera, etc. How I remained level headed to do this, I have no idea.... planning does seem to be how I react to a crisis though. Then we headed out to the car. The infant carrier seat caused the passenger seat to be pulled too far ahead for me to comfortably ride to the hospital, so I had to get back out of the car, remove the seat, let my brother know to move it into the house, and get back into the car. Once a bit of confusion over keys between my brother and A was cleared up we were finally on the road to the hospital.

I advised A to pass anyone that was in our way. Luckily at 05:30 that only meant passing a couple of cars. Even on the way to the hospital, I was still worried they would tell me that this wasn't the real thing and would send me home.... all the while trying not to push in the car!

A stopped at the ER doors and put me in a wheelchair and brought in my bags. She then ran into the ER to tell them what was happening. Then she went back out to park the car. While she was doing that, my water broke. (Next time you walk through the doors into the DECH ER, think of me!) She came back inside and again went into the ER asking for some help (you can't get up to Labour & Delivery after hours without someone from ER letting you through.) A couple of women sauntered over and looked at me through the glass, and eventually someone came out and started pushing my wheelchair. She didn't say a word to me, just gave the occasional order to A. The ride was awful... the ceramic tiles on the floor are SO bumpy when you're in a wheelchair!

We arrived in L&D at 05:50. One nurse checked for dilation and said that she could feel the baby's head, but that she would have another nurse confirm it. So the next nurse comes in, checks, says, "Yes, that's the baby's head. PUSH!" Eight minutes later at 05:58, BG was in my arms.

In all of the haste they didn't have time to try to drug me, catheterize me, or hook me up to their machines. One person did hold a fetal heart monitor to my stomach, but they didn't even bother trying to strap it on. They didn't have time to read my birth plan, but thankfully A knew what was there and was able to direct them after the baby arrived so that all of my post-delivery wishes were followed. (All of my labour & delivery wishes basically revolved around not wanting drugs or interventions, so it seemed that I automatically got my way on those ones!)

After it was all over with I couldn't believe I had just given birth. I felt fantastic. When BB was born I felt like I had been hit by a train afterwards. This had been the scariest 3.5 hours of my life (seriously, who wakes up an hour after they go to sleep with contractions 4 minutes apart?!) but I survived, and I'm happier it happened this way so I could have the birth go the way I wanted. When I started preparing for BG's arrival, I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards the way my labour with BB happened. Now I feel that I can let go of that negativity because I've had the experience I had hoped for.

BG has been wonderful. She initially did nothing but sleep and eat. Then she went through a colicky phase during the evenings. That seems to have passed, but the evenings are still her cranky time, however, it is not unmanageable. She started smiling last week, and last Saturday she gave me her first ear to ear grin. Now I've discovered that I can often banish her crankies just by propping her up on my legs so that she's facing me, and then I smile at her. It usually gets a smile in return! BB is a fantastic big brother. He lavishes BG in hugs and kisses, and won't go down for a nap or go to bed at night without first giving her a kiss.

Clean Slate

Here we go again with a clean slate. I have answers at least. I don't necessarily like them, but it's not all about me.

This is me picking up the pieces and moving on.

Funny, by the end of the day today I felt like I was getting a much better handle on life. Then he called while I was getting BB ready for bed and hearing his voice on the machine threw me completely. However, I find that after talking to him, I haven't regressed. Nothing has changed. I don't feel more, maybe even a little less.

Here's to letting go.

You Don't Just Want to Break Me

This song played while I was on the treadmill last night. It hit close to home. During one of my minutes of walking, I grabbed my pen and scrawled the title (which is repeated a million times at the end of the song with varying degrees of pain and perhaps anger in Hawksley's voice) across my arm. I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but it felt good. When it was time to start running again, I suddenly had far more energy, and spent my last block of running minutes going faster than I have since I started running.

you don't just want to break me (you want to tear me apart)

By Hawksley Workman

i feel like selling my things

i feel like being alone

can't tell if i'm more confused

after i hung up the phone

glad to hear you're feeling stronger

and that you're ready to grow

didn't know that i was in your way

thanks for saying it...

now i know

so this is how these things go

so this is how these things shake out in the end

see the winter settling in

it's going to be cold a while

in the winter everything's dead

deep and crisp and even

and this is how it feels to be left standing

to be the one who never did know

so this is how it feels to fade and pale

laid down like aching snow

you said that i had no courage

one day you'll see things different

you don't just want to break me

you want to tear me apart

Another one bites the dust

So, remember the guy from down the road that I mentioned a couple of posts ago? Well, things were going really well with him. He had a lot of potential. We both were looking for the same thing, he was definitely okay with my kids, and we had no problem chatting online, and we were planning on progressing to the telephone tonight.

However, last night we talked about what our "deal-breakers" are. Two of my big ones are smoking and drugs. He told me he occasionally smokes when he drinks, and that he smokes pot a time or two a year. At the time I just brushed it off, since he said he only does it occasionally, but it nagged at me. Today it really hit me - how I can I tell my kids that they shouldn't do those things when it's okay for him to do them? So tonight I told him that I couldn't get past those two things. I think he was a bit upset with me, especially since I hadn't met him before making that decision. But meeting him wouldn't have changed anything; it would have just made it harder if we did have chemistry.

I'm feeling proud of myself for addressing it, rather than letting it become an issue down the road; however, I'm feeling sad that this "opportunity" didn't work out. Add to it the mess with H, and I'm on the verge of depression. I had so many things I wanted to get out and do this weekend, and now I can't even remember what it was that I wanted to do. None of them feel like they matter. I'm really tiring of wallowing in self pity, but I'm not sure how to pull myself out of it. Today I've even been considering contacting my workplace's EAP provider. I feel like I need to talk about all the stuff with H to someone neutral who can be trusted not to tell anyone. I think I'm a bit messed up from it all to be honest. Why the hell do I still care about people after they hurt me? I did it with XH, and now again with H. Why can't I get angry, tell them to eff-off, and move on with my life? It seems like the worse you treat me, the more devoted to you I become. That's messed up. I'm not liking myself much tonight.

Push and Pull

Looking back to when H and I were dating in January, it's obvious that the push and pull was already going on then. He'd come over to my place more evenings than not, but then would disappear from my world completely for a couple of days. He would talk about things we would do together in the future, but then try to tell me that he was only my rebound. He took me away for the weekend and then broke up with me a few days later. And then in less than a week, we were talking again, and another week until we were back in bed. I remember that first night together again, he asked me after, "Can you be my friend without being my lover?" I said yes. I meant it. But so we continued on for another few weeks... we'd get together, every so often he'd disappear for a day or two, then poof, he'd be back again. I don't think he only came back for sex, since there were times we spent together without anything physical happening. And since I now know he was also getting it elsewhere during that time, I really believe it wasn't the sex he came back for. If anything, I think he was feeding off my feelings for him. It feels good to be around someone who loves, adores, and worships you.

Our last time together was the beginning of March... we bottled wine and then took a day trip to St. Andrews. Shortly after that my life went a bit crazy with BB being so sick, and then BG's arrival. His life also seemed to get busy... (I had a snide comment here, but removed it, since it isn't really useful, and it gives away more of his story than is useful in helping me tell mine.) We kept in touch during this time, but only saw one another once - the night before BG was born. We sat on the couch and talked and laughed. I realized that night that although I still cared and had feelings for him, they were starting to fade, and that I was definitely okay just being friends.

Another couple of weeks pass and suddenly his life comes crashing down around him. I'm sitting home alone all day with two little ones and oodles of time. Next thing I know, he pulls me close and I'm his go-to person again. We're constantly on the phone or he's here with me. We went to a charity event one evening, we spent a weekend away, I even met his kids and his ex. All of this happened with us just being friends. However, as I've mentioned before, we became incredibly close during this time, and I fell for him harder than ever. The weekend we went away, we were snuggled up in bed and he made two promises to me. He promised that I would always be a part of his life, somehow. He promised that he would never again lie to me or omit the truth. Both of these promises have been broken all ready. It's funny, there were two other promises that he made to me at other times during the past month. One was that he would be there for me the next time anything bad happened to either of my children (in reference to BB's illness in March and how he didn't come to the hospital at all when my other close friends, and even my boss, did) and that he would never not talk to me if we had an issue - we'd always talk it out. The former hasn't been tested yet, thankfully, but I assume that he won't be there for me. The latter has already been broken.

Over this past month he's shared a lot of information with me. Very private stuff. I have guarded this information with my life. It's made it difficult for me to talk with friends or family about what's been going on in my life, because I've been so careful not to share something that I shouldn't. Then suddenly last week, he started questioning my feelings for him. He thought that because my deep feelings weren't reciprocated that I would end up getting hurt. I refused to let him push me away and told him that I was aware of the risks, that I committed to be his friend through his ordeal, and that I would deal with those feelings and any fallout from them. After a few more conversations that evening and the next morning, I thought all was fine. We took a quick road trip so he could run an errand on Thursday night, and that night we stayed up fairly late talking on the phone having one of our usual heart-to-hearts. We made plans to go out for his birthday this week, and had talked about going away this weekend. Then last Saturday night he didn't answer when I called him at bedtime. I texted a while later to say goodnight. When I woke up after 02:00 to feed BG, I was really worried, because it wasn't like him to not check in by that point. So I called (we had previously told one another to call anytime, day or night, if we needed something. I needed to know he was okay, I felt justified in calling.) and there was no answer. So I sent another text telling him I was worried, and to check-in when he could. I was paranoid he was laying in a ditch somewhere. He finally called me after 07:00 Sunday morning, telling me he was feeling very vulnerable because I knew everything about him, and insinuated that I couldn't be trusted. HUH? Then somehow it turned into him needing to face his current issues head-on, on his own. Okay, that part makes sense to me. It was obvious to me that he couldn't be alone, and that was why he had formed this pseudo-relationship with me. But to not trust me??? That was the part that I can't cope with. Anyway, after a lot of talking that morning, I let him walk away. If space was what he needed, space he would have. I had promised him long ago that I'd do anything for him, and if giving him space was part of the anything, then I'd do it.

He checked in a few times between Monday and Wednesday, updating me on his situation. Only on his last call on Wednesday did he show any interest in my life. I didn't ask many questions when he called, because I didn't want him to think I was prying in order to share information with anyone. I didn't talk about my life, because I figure he probably has enough on his mind right now that my baby stories would be unimportant to him. Yesterday morning I sent him an email to wish him a happy birthday. He replied back and told me it was probably the nicest birthday email he had received. Then last night he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. HUH? I'm so growing tired of this push and pull game. So, I emailed him one last time to ask what it is that I've done to wrong him. I thought I was being a good friend to him, but he obviously feels otherwise. So what is it that I've done, besides allowing myself to become his doormat? Heck, it's more than just allowing myself to become his doormat, I chose to become his doormat. It didn't just happen. I made the conscious decision to do it. I still haven't received a response from him. I'm guessing I won't be hearing from him again. I'm left with so many questions and so much hurt over the entire thing. What happened that I don't know about? Can I ever trust anyone again? I'm feeling like I can't.

I think it's all about control with him. The constant push and pull. I've wondered if perhaps this most recent push was a way to really take control of the situation that we had found ourselves in... he had cut the ties, but not completely, so perhaps this was his way of severing them for good.

I know what you're probably thinking... "You're better off without him." Maybe I am. But I need answers. I need closure. What really angers me, is that if he came back with answers, and an apology, and wanted to be a part of my life again, I'd let him back in. Why do I do this to myself?

I can handle the idea of him not reciprocating my feelings, I can even handle the idea of him not wanting to be my friend... what I can't handle is him suddenly deciding that I can't be trusted, after being told so many times that he trusted me implicitly, and that he trusted me with his life. How does that change overnight? I suspect there's more to the story, and that's why I want answers.

Hopefully this will be my last post about H. I know I've been dwelling on things with him far too much over this past month. He became my world, second only to my children.

H, I'm so very very angry with you right now. You've managed to hurt me in a way that you have never before hurt me... and there has been a lot of hurt since January. You're right, I do grin and bear a lot of things with you, but it's been okay, because it kept you in my life. However, although I am angry and hurt, the things you told me will remain secrets. I do not seek revenge on people; that isn't who I am, and I will never be that person. I wish you every happiness life has to offer. I hope you figure out who you are, and that you become the person you want to be. xo

Hmmmm...

As the day went on, I started feeling angry about the way I've been treated. There's so much I want to say about it all, but I know that if H ever stumbled over this blog, he'd be ticked that he was even mentioned. So, I'll keep my mouth shut, just in case.

On a happy note, I'm up waaay too late tonight because I've been chatting online. With a boy. *gasp* And he lives right down the road! He doesn't meet my dream guy's physical criteria, but the rest is jiving so far. Since meeting H, this is the first time I've really wanted to meet someone right away! That has to be a good sign!

:) :) :)

Still Hurting

This song was playing yesterday and struck me as completely appropriate at the moment. *sigh*

Tegan and Sara - Call It Off from Ashley Brown on Vimeo.

"Call It Off" by Tegan & Sara

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

Pulling it Together

So I gave myself two days to wallow in self pity. By last night I was feeling a bit better.

H managed to last 24 hrs + 8 minutes before calling yesterday. That call was followed by two more later in the day. All were fairly quick calls just updating me on the goings-on in his life. I'm glad he's still keeping me in the loop, but I feel myself letting go already. I still care about him, heck, I know I still love him... that doesn't turn off so quickly, but I think it's my self-preservation mechanism kicking in... I can't say for certain, but I don't think I'll put myself in the position to be hurt by him again. Prior to that first phone call, there was also an email, and last evening he sent me two texts, the first one I replied to, the second one I didn't bother. Not that there was really anything to reply to, but it's unusual for me NOT to be the last one to reply.

To distract myself, I've jumped back into that awful pond. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it, but it's something to do. I don't understand why I can't be alone, but whatever, it's who I am, and come hell or high water, I will find someone. That being said, I refuse to settle.

I had offered to take H out later this week to celebrate his birthday. I'm not sure if he still wants to go out or not; however, if he decides that he doesn't, I think I might see if someone else wants to get together with me, since I already have a sitter lined up. I'm sure that of the few people I'm communicating with, at least one of them would be interested. I'm a bit nervous at the prospect, but I think this most recent incident with H was the kick in the pants I needed to let go of the dream I had of us being together. Or at the very least, to loosen my grip on it. I talk a good talk, but I'm sure if he showed up at my door tonight I'd be back to square one. I'm such a sucker for him.

Here I Am Again

I'm so incredibly beyond blue today. How can I be pseudo-dumped by my pseudo-boyfriend? My heart is broken. How many times will I let this happen to me? Why can't I be alone? Where is my strength that everyone else keeps telling me I have? I don't feel it.

What's so difficult about the whole thing is that there's no one I can talk to about it, because the details aren't mine to share. I understand where he is coming from with respect to needing to pull away from me, but I still feel the need to talk it out with someone. However, I respect and love him far too much to share his personal stuff with anyone. But without sharing the details with anyone, he sounds like an ass, and that's not the image I want to paint of him. Not at all.

I feel reckless and out of control today. Like I'm going to do something rash that I could possibly regret. Or maybe it's that I *want* to do something rash. I think I'm going to try reconnecting with a couple of old friends... see where that leads. I need something. Is it fair to them (or to me) to do this while I still love H? Nope. But whatever, I'm sick of worrying about how everyone else feels. Bloody sick of it. It gets me no where, but trampled into the ground.

Smitten

Ever try to convince yourself that you don't have feelings for someone, and then suddenly reality crashes down on you, and you realize that you're hopelessly in love with them? I'm trying to stay cool but it's so hard... I refuse to be his rebound, and I refuse to do anything casually. It's all or nothing, and he knows it now. I don't think I'll get the relationship I want anytime soon, but I'm now filled with hope for the future again. And hope is a very dangerous thing. One interesting thing is that since we became "just friends" I'm much more like myself around him, without worrying too much about what he thinks. He seems to like me more now than he did before.

Right now we're practically inseparable... Filled with hope and happiness tonight. xo