Stinky!

When I left for my maternity leave there might have been three people in my office who smoked, plus a couple closet smokers who either didn't smoke at work, or made so little a production of it that you hardly realized they were doing it. 

 

During my year away, several people moved on, and several new people were hired.  It seems that the majority of the new people are all smokers.  At 10am and 3pm, there is a mass exodus as they all gather together and go outside for a group smoking session.  And when they all return en masse, they stink.  Even a closet smoker has come out of the closet and is now joining the exodus. 

 

I thought that a lot of people were finally realizing how unhealthy smoking is, but apparently I was wrong.  If you want to smoke, fine, smoke.  But I have an issue when you return to the office reeking of smoke.  If I can smell it, it can affect me.  I also have an issue with my tax dollars being spent to cure you from your smoking related illness. 

 

Rumour has it the building and grounds will be smoke free in a short while.  It can't come soon enough for me. 

It's Been a While

I'm settling into the new routine of going to work.  I really miss spending the days with BB.  Hopefully with any luck I'll be pregnant soon.  BB is still nursing before bed and a couple of times in the night.  I just decided today that if my cycle hasn't started by the end of the month, I'm going to work on eliminating the middle of the night feedings.  I hate having to do this, but we need to get this baby thing moving.  Our babysitter is off the first week of July, so DH is taking the 29^th and 30^th off to spend with BB, and I'll be taking July 2^nd and 3^rd.  With DH off work, he can take over the duty of getting up with BB those nights, so he won't be expecting to nurse. 

BB is still sleeping in our room.  Whenever the topic comes up, so many people poo-poo at me.  Sorry folks, I'm doing what I think is best.  We don't get enough time together as it is, and I want him to feel as secure as possible.  If he's happy in his crib, that's where he sleeps.  If he is happier in bed with us, then that's where he is.  I feel like returning to work has gone against everything I believe about parenting this little boy, so I'm going with my gut on this issue.  When the time is right for him to move to his own room, we'll recognize it and take care of it. 

 

Writing from work feels really disjointed.  Maybe it's because I know I have a lot of work to get through and shouldn't be taking the time to do this.  Hopefully I'll get through the backlog that has been left for me, and get things caught up soon so I'm not in a panic the entire time I'm here.  And then perhaps I'll have time to write the occasional post.  I feel like I'm becoming one of those people who completely neglects their blog. 

A Quick Update

My first day back to work was great.  My new manager and my old manager took me out to lunch.  Most of the office dropped by my desk to welcome me back.  I was able to start getting my feet wet in my new position.  BB had a fantastic day with my mom yesterday.  I felt very positive about everything last night.

Tonight, I want to sit here and cry.  How do people do this?  

I miss BB during the day.  Last night when I went to bed, I almost got him out of his crib to bring him to bed with me.  I knew he'd be up soon enough though.  I only had to wait an hour for him.

My new manager told me a couple of weeks ago (when we met to discuss this new position) that she doesn't micro-manage.  I'm starting to suspect that she does micro-manage.  She also told me that she's not a clock-watcher, that I'll be independent and have freedom.  I'm beginning to think that the words 'independence' and 'freedom' mean something different to me than they do to her.  I still think she's a nice person and all, but I don't think this new position is going to be quite what I was hoping for.  

On the bright side, BB really does seem to be enjoying his time with Grammy this week, and I'm enjoying coming home to a happy baby and a clean house.  It's too bad it's only for the week.  But, it's good that he's going to be going to a sitter's with other kids, right?  

I need to keep reminding myself that things will get better.  They have to.  Otherwise, I'll end up on meds again.  

Another Chapter is Closing

• Today marks the end of my leave from work.  Actually two weeks ago today marked the end of my maternity leave.  The last two weeks I've been on vacation.  
• I'm trying not to be sad about returning to work.  I'm going back to a new job in a new department with a new boss.  Although I get along very well with my old boss, I almost feel like I know her too well.  I know her games and was often left feeling a lot of bitterness towards her when it came to work issues.  And to be honest, I really hated my old job.  I had been doing it for four years and it was always the same problems.  Over and over again.  I was full of rage on the good days.  As DH said recently, it's probably good that I'm taking this new position because BB probably wouldn't have liked the old mommy.  I couldn't agree more.  
• I need to remember to set up my blogger account so that I can email posts from work.  
• My clothes line was finally put up on Tuesday night!  I've been so excited this week.  I love watching the clothes flapping in the breeze.  Drying without costing money or hurting the environment.  And no, the irony of cloth diapering sans clothesline for the past year is not lost on me.
• I baked bread yesterday for the first time.  The kneading part was so messy.  But I think it will be easier next time.  The bread turned out beautifully--All three loaves.  I got the recipe from the La Leche League cookbook.  A great book; I've made all sorts of great recipes from it.  When the bread was finished it felt so proud of myself.  I felt so female; I made bread for my family.  Anyone who's all for women's lib will hate that statement, but it's true.
• BB had a better day at the sitter's yesterday.  DH dropped him off and picked him up for the first time.  BB ate both snacks and his lunch, and took both of his naps.  It's the first day he's done all of those things.  Some days he would eat but not nap, other days he would take one nap but not eat, etc.  He came home a very happy baby last night.  I think he might finally be starting to feel better too.  Thank goodness.  He still has a cough and a runny nose, but his energy seems to have returned.  It's as if the life has been put back into him.  
• We had BB's birthday party last Saturday and it was a great success!  The birthday cake I decorated for him didn't look fantastic, but it was completely homemade, so I knew exactly what he was putting into his little body...  and it was fairly healthy considering the fact it was cake.  It was great to have all of BB's biggest fans all gathered together to celebrate the anniversary of his birth.  BB decided to surprise everyone by walking across the living room ALL BY HIMSELF to get a toy that my dad had!  He was so proud of himself when he made it to his grampy!  It was so sweet!  Up until that point, he may have taken up to three or four steps on his own, and that was with a lot of coaxing.  This, he did all on his own with no encouragement!  Since then, he's back to taking three or four steps again.  But I suspect that he'll be running circles around me VERY soon.
• I sat outside with my book for about 20 minutes late yesterday afternoon while I was waiting for DH and BB to arrive home.  32C out and it felt so nice.  Summer is when I am happiest.  I've always said that I'm a child of the summer.  I missed most of last summer since BB was so new, and then it rained so much, so hopefully BB and I can make the most of this summer!
• BB and I are enjoying a quiet day together today.  It is our last weekday together for a while.  I'm really going to miss my baby boy while I'm at work.  Hopefully I'll be able to immerse myself in my new job so that I'm not obsessing about him all day.  We've had such a wonderful year together.  Getting to know him has been an amazing experience.  I feel that DH and I are closer now as a result of BB joining us and turning us into a real family.  I love my boys.

Blink! And a year is gone!

Today is BB's first birthday!  So much has happened over this past year.  He's grown from a mewing but alert, strong, eight pound ball of flesh to a happy, cuddly, smart one year old!  

There's so much I am feeling inside today that I'd love to try to put into words, but time does not permit it.  We're holding a birthday party for him tomorrow.  Some friends and our immediate family are invited, and I am so not ready for the company!  It's been a hectic week, and DH, BB, and myself have all had colds.  I was supposed to make BB's birthday cake last night, but was feeling like I'd been hit by a transport, so I headed to bed shortly after BB fell asleep.  Hopefully everyone is truly coming to be with BB tomorrow, and won't be bothered by the chaos of our house!  

This morning, BB rang-in the exact moment of his birth by nursing.  It was a special way for us to celebrate it.  Today BB and I are hanging out together, and enjoying one another's company.  I think this is a favourite way to spend the day for both of us.  :)

Happy birthday to my sweet little man.  You are my world.

My First Mother's Day

I realized today that I'm spending my first Mother's Day weekend as a true mom.  I've been caring for a baby who has come down with an icky cold (after only having one day of normalcy from the effects of the stomach bug), I spent several hours yesterday preparing lunch to take to my parents' place today so mom didn't have to cook a meal for everyone on Mother's Day, and then made the trip to my parents' place today, sick baby in tow, to celebrate Mother's Day.  Like most mothers, I'm sure, I've felt like I've been pulled in many directions at once.  This is the first quiet moment I've had to myself all weekend, but I still have a to-do list that is seven items long, and it needs to be completed before I go to bed tonight (not to mention the to-do list I have prepared for tomorrow!)

Now, all that being said, I wouldn't trade this motherhood thing for anything in the world.  And I have been treated pretty good this weekend.  DH surprised me with a bouquet of beautiful yellow tulips Friday night (this is a true surprise -- it's only the second time he's bought me flowers in over nine years), last night he prepared a feast of seafood for us, and today he gave me a card AND had last night's dishes done by the time I returned home from mom & dad's place today!  Out of all these things, guess what I appreciated the most?  Yep, the dishes.  I have a pretty great hubby!  In addition to all of the in-house spoiling, my brother and his girlfriend gave me a mother's day gift as well!  So thoughtful of them!  It is a beautiful handmade pottery mug.  (In the mug was a business card from the potter leading me to this blog.  I'm looking forward to checking it out!)

I hope all of my mommy-friends in the blogging world had a good Mother's Day!

Bonus Day!

BB has been sick since last Friday night.  He woke up with a high temperature and was vomiting.  Since then he's had diarrhea and has not been himself.  It's been a bad week for him--being sick, plus having to go to the babysitter's, instead of just snuggling with mommy when he needs it the most!  By suppertime last night it was clear that he was finally on the mend!  

He was supposed to spend six hours at the sitter's today.  I was feeding him his breakfast and was making a point of sticking to our schedule so he would arrive on-time, when the sitter called and said that she has been sick several times this morning, and was going to send her own child to a friend's place and was going back to bed.  Oops.  I guess she must have picked this up from BB.  But I figure he probably picked it up there in the first place, since he didn't pick it up off of us.  Hopefully she's feeling better soon.  I'm not happy she's sick, but I am VERY happy that I unexpectedly get to spend the day with my sweet little boy today!  Plus, another day at home with his regular naps, and he should be as good as new by tomorrow!  

The Worst Mommy in the World

That's how I feel right now.  

I just dropped BB off for this third day at the babysitter.  As soon as I started to hand him over to her, the screaming started and he clung, and I mean CLUNG, like he has never clung before, to my arm.  I had to pry his sweet little fingers off of me, hand him over, give him a kiss good bye and walk out, smiling the whole time so he wouldn't see that I was as upset as he was.

He came down with a stomach bug late Friday night.  It's the first time he's had that sort of sickness.  The entire weekend he was the cuddliest baby in the world.  He's already a very cuddly and affectionate little guy, but apparently, it's possible for him to be even cuddlier.  He just started to seem much more like himself today, and what do I do?  Dump him off on someone that he barely knows.  Way to go, Mommy.  

Oh, and on the drive home I realized that I forgot to pack his bag with a blankie for him to snuggle with.  Worst. Mommy. In. The. World.

Hopefully the next three hours and 40 minutes go by quickly so I can have my little Monkey Man back. 

Damn Those Busses

It turns out that my grandmother did have a heart attack.  It seems so bizarre to me, since she's never been one to over-indulge in food, I've never known her to have a drink, smoke, and she's not obese.  Perhaps the fact that her heart has served her well for almost 80 years is a tribute to these facts?  Because she was still having problems, she was transferred to SJ yesterday, as they are better equipped to deal with this sort of problem.  On Monday she will have an angioplasty, but will still be left with a blocked artery.  She has a hump on her back, and as a result they do not want to do surgery because of the position she would have to be in.  The doctor must feel that the position would increase her chances of blood loss, and her religion prohibits her from receiving a blood transfusion if it is required.  Most of my family would judge her for this.  I don't like to because I don't understand.  But I do feel frustrated by it.  So yeah, these are the details as I know them...  all the info is second hand, of course, so something is bound to be inaccurate in all of this. 

My grandfather on the same side of the family also suffered from more than one heart attack; although, it is not what he died from.  

All of this business with the heart issues really has me thinking.  I need to make a concentrated effort to keep being active, and do a better job of monitoring my intake of saturated fats.  I already watch for the trans fats like a hawk, and I've greatly reduced my salt intake over the past year, but I've been lazy with the saturated fats.  It's time to step up the effort.  Keeping active over the next few years will most likely be a challenge for me, but even if I continue to keep trying like I have for the past year, at least it will still be a part of my life still when I am no longer constantly attached to a baby.  I'm sure there will always be a reason why finding the time is difficult, but I was doing a great job when I became pregnant with BB, and I'm confident that if I was able to do it before, I'll be able to do it again.  After all, DH and I need to set an example for BB and BN2, right?

In a way, I almost feel a bit doomed.  On my dad's side, they seem to have heart issues.  My mother's side is ridden with cancer.  Sometimes I wonder what sort of a time-bomb is ticking inside of me.  But, perhaps I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.  

Grammy

My mother emailed this morning to say that my grandmother was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night by ambulance.  She had a pain in her chest and down her arm.  I'm sitting here on the edge of my chair waiting for an update of some sort.  

She is the only grandparent I have left.  I've had a lot of time to think and reflect this past year, and I've realized that my feelings toward her are complicated.  I see a lot of her qualities in me... and it's not the good qualities in myself that I see reflected.  Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person by any means.  She had a tough marriage and had to work hard, and then she assisted greatly in raising two of her grandchildren for several years.  But the negativity is often oozing from her. I know that it doesn't necessarily consume her, but it's there, and it's very obvious.  I feel the need to try to NOT be like her, which leads to some complicated feelings.

But at the end of the day, I still love my grandmother and have lots of great memories of time spent with her.  I hope she's going to be okay.

We Survived

Two of the longest hours of my life.  

The babysitter said that BB cried for the first 45 minutes he was there.  Funny (in a not so haha sort of way) since I cried for approximately the same amount of time.  Two peas in a pod, we are. 

Everyone told me that when I went to pick him up, he would see me and smile and that would make it all okay. What actually happened is that he saw me and started to cry.  I suspect he felt abandoned.  I certainly felt like I had abandoned him.  And we get to do it all over again on Thursday... but for three hours this time.

Now that he's back home with me, I'm noticing that he smells like someone else's house.  It's a bit weird.  It makes me feel sad.

I'm normally all about safe driving, but I suspect I'll be getting a speeding ticket at some point while making the trip to the babysitter's.

I Did It

Twenty minutes ago, I turned BB over to the babysitter for his two-hour visit.  I haven't stopped crying since.  The house feels so empty.  I miss him.

I keep thinking of things I should have told the babysitter but I wasn't thinking straight.  I needed to get out of there fast, because he was reaching for me, and I was on the verge of tears.  If he saw me cry, he would cry too... and that would be the end of it all.  

So much guilt.

Run Run Run Otis Lee

Since last summer, I've been struggling with running.  I'm not struggling with the physical act of running so much as I am with making the time for it.  Often when I do seem to have the time, I don't have the energy.  I manage to get back on the wagon for a couple of runs, and then something happens that it all goes to hell again on me.  

The last time I was "on the wagon" I managed to visit the treadmill twice, and then BB got a nasty head-cold, and I got the blocked duct.   Over the following few weeks, the blocked duct returned a few times and BB got a second cold, this time in his chest.  

Things have settled down now (knock on wood); once again I've climbed back onto the wagon.  Wednesday night I picked up on week five of the Learn to Run program.  I ran 8.5 kph, walked 5.5 kph, with an incline of 0.5.  In total I covered 2.901 km, and (supposedly) burned 241.2 cal.  I know that running on the treadmill is much different than actually pounding the pavement, but being a numbers kind of gal, I really like being able to track this sort of stuff.  I find it motivating.

After Wednesday night's run, I had a little conversation with a friend on Facebook.  She's an avid runner who trains for real races, and runs real distances, beyond my piddly three kilometres!  She suggested that I sign up for the 5k on Mother's Day so that I'd have a goal to help keep me motivated.  She seemed to think that I'd be able to work up to the 5k by then.  I did the math, but running at 8.5 kph would give me a real bad time, and I can't stand the idea of embarrassing myself in public like that.  If I'm going to do it, I need to be able to do it in a respectable amount of time.  

I visited the Running Room's website and found a 5k in town at the end of May.  The best part is that it benefits the food bank.  I'd like to try to work towards entering it.  I know I should sign up so that I'll be more likely to stick it out, but I don't like the idea of wasting the 35$ if my running goes to hell again.  

Last night I managed to visit the treadmill again.  I jumped ahead to week six of the Learn to Run, increased my running speed to 9.0 kph, walked 5.5 kph again, and kept the incline at 0.5.  This time I covered 3.180km and Mr. Treadmill said I burned 264.7cal.  

I really felt like I was pushing myself last night.  Normally I'm listening to my music and skipping through the songs, but last night, I wasn't even noticing the songs until they were finishing up.  They were just background noise to keep me moving, and help drown out the annoying noise of the treadmill.

When I was participating in the running programs through the Running Room, I seemed to do a much better job with my breathing.  I'm finding that I'm not doing so great with it now, so I need to keep working on it.  

As the days continue to grow longer, I'm hoping that I'll be able to head outdoors to run again.  I'll miss being able to track my stats (I can't afford one of those fancy Garmin-type devices!) but if I want to enter any races, I definitely need to be practicing outdoors.

My current running playlist includes:

9-5 - Dolly Parton  (I love this song for my warm up.  Even though I've known it all my life, I fell in love with it while I was pregnant, and it's been one of my favourites ever since.)

The rest of the songs all play on random.

Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel

I'm Still Standing - Elton John

Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes

Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three

Little Green Bag - Tom Jones & Barenaked Ladies

I Can't Dance - Genesis

Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

My Humps - Black Eyed Peas (This one didn't play last night, and the last few times I've actually skipped it... It's been on my playlist since we got the treadmill, and I think I'm getting tired of it.)

Kryptonite - Three Doors Down

Body Movin' (Fatboy Slim Remix) - Beastie Boys

It's an eclectic list, but I've been enjoying it.  I think it will soon be time to mix it up a bit though, remove a few more songs and add some new ones.  

On a side note, when we were kids my brother had the Cabbage Patch Kids album that Run Run Run Otis Lee was on.  I listened to the album this morning (thanks to the link that is found in the title of this post), and am surprised that I still remember all the words to the songs, even though I haven't heard the album since I was a child!  Memory is a wonderful thing.  :)

Last Week of "Normal"

I just realized that today marks the last day of the last week of what has become "normal" for us over the last year.  Next week BB starts going to the sitter--Tuesday for two hours and Thursday for three hours.

I'd like to think that I'll use the time to do something productive around the house... like washing the walls and cupboards since they haven't been washed since we moved in almost four years ago, but I figure either one of two things will happen.  I'll check my email "for just a second", blink, and then it will be time to go pick up BB, or I'll park my butt on the couch and cry.  

I'm trying really really hard to be positive about things right now.  However, my realist side keeps popping up, and sooner than later I'm feeling down about it all again.

It's a beautiful, sunny day here today, so BB and I are going to head out for a walk as soon as he wakes up.  Maybe the sun will bleach away all of my woes.  :)

My Swirling Dark Pit

I feel like I'm sinking.  I survived the winter without anything more than the occasional "blue" day.  Pretty good for me.  Spring is now here, and those dark feelings seem to have arrived with it.  

I think it's just a combination of several things weighing me down.  

I don't feel that going back to work is the right decision for BB.  However, it is the logical thing to do in order to have BN2.  It won't be forever, as long as BN2 happens.  But I'm feeling a LOT of guilt about leaving BB with a sitter.  

Tomorrow I reduce BB's two daytime feedings to one daytime feeding and next week I'm eliminating the daytime feedings all together, as he starts spending a bit of time with the sitter next week.  This is breaking my heart.  I feel that he still needs to nurse.  I feel awful about already reducing him down to two feedings.  It wouldn't be bad if he wasn't interested in nursing, but the little guy loves it.  I'm being eaten alive by the guilt.  I want so badly to be a good mother to him, and I really don't feel like sending him to a sitter and reducing the frequency of his breastfeeding this is the way to do it.  

I'm worried about whether things are going to work out with my babysitter... that is an entirely separate post though.  

And then this weekend, DH was at his usual training all day Saturday, and then today his family came to help him reconstruct our woodshed that collapsed during the winter, so he spent the entire day outdoors working on that project.  Both the training yesterday and the woodshed today are very important things, and I don't believe for a second that he should have skipped out on either.  However, it meant that it was business as usual for BB and myself.  I look forward to the weekends because it means that we get to spend time together as a family, and during BB's naps, DH and I normally have some great chats.  Missing out on all of that this weekend really seems to have messed with my head.  

By suppertime I ended up sitting with BB in my lap front of the computer watching Sesame Street videos on Youtube so that he wouldn't be able to see my crying while I held him.  Since he doesn't get to watch TV, watching a bit of Sesame Street was definitely holding his attention.  If he sees me cry these days, he cries too, and I didn't want to make him cry, but I couldn't hold it in any longer.  

Tonight, I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  Part of me wants to crawl into bed and never get out.  But I know that laying there, buried under the covers, I'll only continue to brood.  My instinct when things get bad are to start walking.  Walk and walk and walk.  I don't mean walk out on my life or anything like that, but just walk until I can come up with a solution to all of the things that are upsetting me.  (You know, when I think back to a lot of the bad stuff that happened in a previous relationship, I often found myself wandering.  I never really made that connection until now.)  

I had hoped that once the decision was made about whether or not to return to work that I'd be able to relax and enjoy the rest of my time with BB.  But once the decision was made, I worried about childcare.  And even now that I have a babysitter, the dark cloud is still over my head.  I want to enjoy the next month, not spend the entire time brooding.  BB deserves our last month together to be special... not to have a mommy who is in tears all the time.

Creepy

We finally have our "medium-speed" internet working again.  Yep, Xplornet actually footed the bill for it this time.  Perhaps they knew we weren't kidding when we said we were going to dump their sorry asses if they didn't cover the repair.  

I've been cleaning up the oodles of emails that accumulated while I was on dial-up.  So many emails with pictures, etc. that I haven't bothered looking at because they would have taken forever to load (I use a web-based email program.)  I also hadn't cleaned out my spam folder during our outage.  I just sorted through the hundreds of messages to ensure nothing real had been dumped into the spam folder.  On the last page there was a message that made me feel a bit creeped out.  The subject was, "Date of your death."  The message I could see in the preview was, "Subscribe to Men's Health.  Subscribe to Men's Health.  Subscribe to Men's Health."  WTF?  

Only a Bit Inappropriate

DH usually leaves the baskets of our clean laundry in BB's room, since he normally does the laundry after BB is in bed (in our room.)  When it's time to fold all of the clean laundry, I do it in BB's room so he can play in a relatively safe environment while I work.  Sometimes, he likes to "help" me with the laundry.  He used to pull stuff out of the baskets to play with, but over the past week he's started pulling things out of the baskets, and putting them in other baskets.  It's really cute.  

Today, he pulled one of my pink thongs out of one of the clean baskets, played with it for a bit, tossed it around a bit, shook it around in the air a bit (nope, it didn't rattle), and then put it in with his laundry.  I'm wondering if he was hoping I'd forget that it was mine and try to put it on him tomorrow.  

Test #1

I knew it would be negative, considering the fact that I haven't had a cycle since July 2007. However, I always hear about people who got pregnant while breastfeeding, so a little (okay, a big) part of me definitely was hoping that maybe I might be. I peed on the stick this morning, and of course I'm not. And even though I knew that I shouldn't have my hopes up, I'm still disappointed. I think going back to work would be easier if I knew there was a definite end in sight to the whole thing.

Now I'm wondering, how often should I pee on a stick? I know that I shouldn't allow myself to become obsessed with getting pregnant, because that's destined to end badly. However, I can't seem to help it. I was thinking I should try to limit myself to once every four weeks (those tests aren't cheap after all!) but before I voiced that opinion, DH suggested every two weeks. Maybe he's more anxious that I am? As if!

DH did say something really sweet last night. After we had put BB to bed, he told me that he really likes him. That's huge. It made me melt. Considering the fact that he only consented to having a baby in the first place to make me happy, and then once BB was here, I knew he still wasn't completely sold on the whole thing (otherwise, he never would have said no initially to BN2), but now for him to say that he actually LIKES BB, well, like I said, it's huge. I've always felt that it's easy to love someone, and that actually liking someone is a much bigger deal.

BB changes so much every day. He's been knocked down by two different colds over the past few weeks, and he emerged from each illness older and wiser it seemed! He's now standing in place without holding on to anything for several seconds at a time now. He's eating a LOT more solid foods now, and is only nursing a couple times during the day. (That transition was hard initially, but he's okay with it now. I never would have bothered with the day-time weaning if I wasn't planning to return to work. I much prefer the idea of baby-led weaning. However, on the upside, perhaps this will work to my advantage with project BN2.) BB's new favourite song is "Barbara Ann" by the Beach Boys. My brother and I used to listen to an old 45 of that song over and over again when we were little. BB's favourite word is "Ba" (has been for a looong time now), so I started singing "Barbara Ann" to him. Now he actually tries to sing along. He'll vary his tone of voice while saying, "Ba ba ba ba ba." It's like he's singing back-up for me. *grin* He can also try to point out his eyes, nose, and mouth now! I say try, because he puts his entire hand up to his face when you say, "Where's your nose?", and the difference between where he touches depending on the body part you ask him to identify is quite subtle, but there definitely is a difference... for example, if you ask him where his eyes are, he'll put his palm to his face, and then gouge his eyes with his finger tips. :) He's such an amazing little guy, and he definitely has a LOT of people wrapped around his sweet little finger.

How to Make Me Swoon

Tell me, "I really like BB."

This, after he didn't even want to have a baby, and only agreed to it to try to make me happy again.

Totally not the right reasons to have a baby, but it's working for us. :)

How to Annoy Me

When you are announcing the birth of your child to the world on Facebook (or anywhere, really) be sure to note that your baby was 6'12" instead of 6 lbs 12 oz.

I saw this posted this morning (not only on the proud papa's status, but also the proud aunt's and proud gramma's) and immediately wondered how someone gave birth to such a GIANT of a baby. Then for another brief moment I wondered why they didn't just say the baby was seven feet. Finally it actually dawned on me what they were intending to say. Maybe I'm knit-picky? Maybe I'm dense? Perhaps and perhaps. But I seriously did feel confused for a few seconds.

Bet you thought my next post after an 11 day hiatus would be a bit more interesting, eh? The posts in my head have been. However, BB will be waking up shortly and this was on my mind at this precise moment.

Technical Difficulties

Saturday night we did the Earth Hour thing. Most people just turn out their lights for an hour. We go around the house and turn off everything that could possibly be using electricity. Computers, lights, TV, stereo, etc. We don't just acknowledge Earth Hour, we salute it.

Slauting it wasn't such a good idea, apparently. When DH switched the thingy for our satellite Internet back on, it killed a piece on our satellite that has previously been replaced three times already. (And we've only had this Internet service for a little over three years!) The first time the ISP paid for it. The second time we had to pay for the labour. The last time we had to pay for both the part and the labour... over 500$. This time, if they try to make us pay for it again, we're canceling. *sigh* It's not as fast as high-speed, but it's certainly better than dial-up, which is what I'm using right now. *double sigh* Dial-up on my old old iBook. *triple sigh* This computer can't even keep up with my typing. I type a sentence and then wait for it to appear on the screen.

Why am I not using the new computer I got before Christmas? Because it doesn't have a modem. Apparently people don't use modems during these modern times. It seems that the computer making company doesn't realize that some people still live in places where you actually need to dial in to access the Internet.

Rumour has it that Rogers is bringing high-speed our way by the fall. We've seen some trucks stringing up new wire along our road, so hopefully that's what is in the works. If DH can't convince the nice people at Xplornet to cover the cost of fixing this faulty part, you may not be hearing much from me for a while. :(

Mr. Sun!

Yesterday afternoon, BB and I got out for a walk!  It was +9C!  It was our first outing in The Settlement since early last fall and it felt fantastic!  BB even let me give his little face a good coating of sun-block before we left the house!  He refused to wear his sunglasses though.  Hopefully I can get him into that habit sooner rather than later.  

I'd like to try to find a stroller where he faces me rather than the one we have where he faces away from me.  It's hard to chat with him when he's facing away.  I have to raise my voice louder than I'd prefer to talk to him, I can't see his reaction to what I'm saying, and I can't see exactly what he's looking at to talk with him about it.  

About half way through our 30 minute walk he let out a little shriek.  I started to panic thinking that we were too far away from home for him to throw a fit!  But it was the beginning of him joining me in the conversation.  The rest of the walk home he chattered away with his usual, 'Ba ba ba' and 'Da da da', sprinkled with some 'Ya ya ya' and 'La la la'.  

I felt so fantastic after we returned home!  I had so much energy--completely rejuvenated!  I've always said that I'm a child of the summer, and even though there's still oodles of snow on the ground, it didn't matter because the sun felt sooo good.  It felt as if it was promising me that we'd be together again soon.  Cuddles + Mr. Sun = True Love Always  ;o)  (Don't worry folks, I always use protection in the form of sun-block when fooling around with Mr. Sun.  I hope you all do too!)

I had hoped to repeat the experience today as the temperature is supposed to be in the same range; however, Mr. Sun has hardly made an appearance today.  I felt that with all the snow on the ground it might be a bit chilly for BB to sit in his stroller for half of an hour.  However, the next warm summer day, you can bet we'll be hitting the pavement... er, the chipseal in our case! 

#100! 1 to 25 - The Good, The Bad, The Fugly

I'm no longer AWOL!  I've been battling a huge dose of negativity combined with stress recently and as a result haven't been feeling much like blogging.  And I also knew that my next post (this post!) is number 100, so I wanted to make sure it was a special one... not one ranting about all of my worries.  Perhaps my next post will address those topics.  hehe.  

A short while ago, I did the 25 random things list on Facebook that everyone else was doing at the time.  I said a while ago that I wanted to do a 100 random things list but I can't seem to find the time to finish it, even using the FB list as a starter.  I realized I was stressing about it.  Seriously.  Then I reminded myself that my blog should NOT stress me out!  So, I've compromised with myself.  I'm doing instalments of 25 at a time.  The first 25 are based on the list I did for FB, some are updated, some have more detail than I posted on FB, some are completely new from the list I posted on FB.  

Without further ado... 

1. I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant. I lost about 20 of it within three days of having BB. I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by the time he was about six months old. I'm still working on my pre-pregnancy body.

2. I hated school in grade one. I hated not being at home with my mom and brother. Also, I used to look ahead in my school books and worry about assignments we hadn't even reached yet... I particularly remember having a huge meltdown over one in my Language Arts workbook. And if we had a supply teacher, I'd have yet another melt-down because I didn't handle the unexpected change well.  I still don't handle unexpected change well.

3. I love to bake. Yet I never seem to have enough time to do this as often as I'd like.

4. I love knitting. Again, I don't seem to have enough time for this either. I'd love to have the time to do a big project from beginning to end. As it is, I stick to smaller ones in hopes that I might actually complete them... even that doesn't always happen.

5. I'm proud that I am breastfeeding BB, and I had hoped that we would be able to keep at it until he is at least two years old. Now that we're planning on BN2, I'm not sure how or if this goal is going to work out.  I'm already hearing comments that make it seem like I should have stopped by now, but I'm not going to let them get me down. The benefits to him far outweigh society's poo-pooing at us..

6. I cannot do dishes without wearing rubber gloves. I can't stand dishwater scum and pruney fingers.

7. I wish I could go back to school to become a dietician or something along that line.

8. I am very scared of heights. Very. I'm kind of like a cat--I can get up, but can't get back down.

9. Even while I was pregnant, I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to be a mother. Now it frightens me to think that I almost missed out on all of this.

10. I have five dogs and a cat. Only the cat and two of the dogs were planned. The other three dogs just "happened." 

11. When asked, I'll usually say my favourite colour is black, but I really don't have a favourite.

12. I make all of BB's baby food myself. I have never opened a jar of food for him. He has never been fed processed food. I know he will not always eat as healthy, but as long as I am able to choose what goes into his little body, he's going to get the best foods possible.

13. I worry about whether people like me, more than I probably should. But once I have confirmation that they do not like me, I am able to write them off.

14. I often feel like I lack the sensor between my brain and my mouth. Later I replay the conversations I've had and the things I've said, and worry that I've said something that someone took the wrong way.

15. I don't like team sports because I don't like relying on other people when it comes to winning. Yet, I did enjoy flyball, but there's so much more to that particular game than just winning. But winning is good too. :)

16. I broke up with my boyfriend in grade 10 because his grandfather bought him a leather jacket.  It was black and covered in shiny zippers.  I could smell him coming.... that awful cheap leather smell mixed with cigarette smoke.  People were making fun of him and I was embarrassed to be seen with him.  I wasn't all that fond of him after four months together, and he was cheating on me (unless his father really *was* putting those hickeys on his neck with the vacuum cleaner??) but the jacket cinched it.  

17. Turning 25 was very depressing for me. Turning 30 didn't bother me at all. 

18. I took sewing in grade nine, and took another sewing course a few years ago, and I still don't know how to sew. I'd really love to learn. And I know I can do it, I just need someone who is willing and able to teach me.

19. I had awesome marks through elementary school and junior high, but in high school I stopped worrying about being the best in the class. I was only a face in the crowd at FHS, and I felt that I had no motivation to excel. Passing was good enough for me. The only classes I really cared about doing exceptionally well in were my business classes. 

20. In high school I wanted to be a funeral home director; however, I knew that I wasn't ready to move away to Nova Scotia on my own to take the course. Instead, I settled on Business Tech at NBCC.

21. I think that my brother "gets" me more than anyone else. 

22. When I first started using Facebook, I was constantly 'writing' status updates in my head.  I don't do this very often now; instead, I am always 'writing' blog entries in my head.  But when I sit down in front of my computer I either can't remember what I intended to write about or the words come out all wrong on the screen.

23. My favourite band is Barenaked Ladies. My favourite concert EVER was their concert in Saint John in 2007. I even have a CD of the concert, and I think I have every word from the concert memorized. 

24. I miss being pregnant and can't wait to be pregnant again.  Even though I know I'm not pregnant yet, I keep thinking like I am. 

25. I love a rich, bold, dark-roasted coffee. 

Cold, Boob, Heart

Yeah, there's a catchy title.  ;o)

We've had a busy few days.  BB celebrated his ten month birthday on Sunday by coming down with a rotten cold.  This is only his second cold ever, so I'm definitely NOT complaining.  But I do feel terrible for him.  This cold is significantly worse than the cold he had in October.  It's obvious that he doesn't "get" why he feels so terrible.  I've been pondering the fact that he's only had two colds in the past ten months.  Is it because he has a great immune system (with special thanks to breastfeeding), or is it because he hasn't been exposed to enough germs?  I'm sure there's no way for me to know the answer, just something I've been thinking about.

I celebrated BB's ten month birthday by getting a blocked milk duct.  It wasn't really painful, but very disconcerting and scary.  It happened around 13:00.  I started feeding BB and by the end of his feeding, my right breast had a very hard area above my nipple.  I, of course, started to panic.  I searched online for the symptoms of mastitis, but it didn't seem possible since I didn't have a temperature and the hard area wasn't sore or red.  And at that point, I didn't realize that a blocked duct was different from mastitis.  I tried to get some rest, spent some time in the shower with the warm water running on it, applied warm compresses, tried pumping and massage.  Because of BB's cold, he was barely nursing, so he wasn't much help in trying to move things along.  It wasn't getting any better and I was becoming quite frightened.  After we put BB to bed for the night, I called the Mother/Baby General Info Hotline at the DECRH.  I wasn't sure if it was the right place to turn, since BB is ten months old, but I knew that if I called Telecare, I'd end up talking to someone with limited knowledge about breastfeeding (perhaps even less knowledge than I have!), and every time I've ever called Telecare, I'm told to see a doctor within two hours--without fail--and then when I see the doctor, they just shake their head because it really wasn't a dire emergency.  The person I spoke with at the Mother/Baby line was very helpful and assured me that it was okay to call that number with a breastfeeding issue as there is really no other place for me to get help.  She explained that it was a blocked duct, and encouraged me to continue with the measures I had been taking, and told me to keep with it until it finally let go.  I worked at it from 20:00 until 23:00.  At that point I had managed to move it to my nipple (yep, I could actually SEE the blockage), but couldn't get it the rest of the way.  I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, so decided that rest would probably be the best option at that point.  When BB woke up at 04:30 he managed to finish unblocking it for me.  I was a very grateful momma!  I've been very fortunate to not have any breastfeeding issues up until this point...  I've often felt like a lot of the people around me have been waiting for me to fail at it, so I was very discouraged when this happened.  I've very very glad that everything seems to be okay now though.

I need to mention how supportive DH was during the whole blocked-duct-ordeal.  He took BB out for a drive late in the afternoon so I could have a nap.  (It's the first time BB has left the house without me!  I was a bit nervous, but they both returned safe & sound!)  He sat up with me until I decided to call it a night.  He fetched the hot water bottle, reheated the Magic Bag, kept me company in the bathroom while I stood in the shower, and even offered to try pumping for me when my hand got tired.  :)  I tend to only share my gripes about him on here.  He's really a good guy.  :)

BB's cold seems to be considerably better today.  He had a temperature at bed time last night, but when we checked it at 03:15 this morning he was back to normal.  His nose is leaking less today, so that's awesome.  

I had a bit of an upsetting convo with my dad last night.  He called to check on BB and mentioned that he has stopped taking his cholesterol medication.  He's been on it for several years now (11 maybe?) and his joints have been bothering him a lot recently.  Because of his work, he's very active, and is definitely not out of shape.  He heard of some relatives who stopped taking their cholesterol meds, and they're not having joint problems anymore.  He says he stopped taking his this weekend, and the next morning he was able to get out of bed without any problem.  I suggested that he should discuss this with the doctor, and he seemed to think that if he just started watching his diet he could stay off them.  If he had watched his diet in the first place he may not have ended up on them!  And mom mentioned in an email yesterday that she and dad had Chinese food one night this weekend - does this count as watching your diet?!  He seems to think that he'd rather die of a heart attack than be uncomfortable all of the time.  I want BB to grow up with his grampy in his life.  And the other thing is, who says he'll die of a heart attack?  Maybe he'll end up with heart problems, and not be able to enjoy his quality of life because he has to take it easy all the time?  It's not black and white.  I totally get the fact that he wants to be free from pain, but I really think he needs to discuss all of this with his doctor.  Unfortunately, his doctor is the same doctor I go to... he's retiring in a year.  He isn't exactly "with it."  But in the current situation our health-care system is in, you can't just jump ship and go to a new doctor.  I voiced my opinion.  I cannot nag.  He will only tune me out.  I need to let him be an adult and handle this.  But in the meantime, I will worry.  Because it seems to be what I do.

History

Once upon a time, I spent a week chatting online with a boy I met on matchmaker.com.  He spent a considerable amount of time pestering me to meet him.  Nine years ago today I finally caved and told him to come over to watch The Simpsons with me that night.  

Five years ago today I married the same boy.  

Forty-three weeks ago today our baby boy joined our world.

Four nights ago we decided that we will be having another baby.  

And I am a very happy girl.  :)

Mmmmm... Donuts

I want a Tim Horton's chocolate dipped donut.  Not one.  Six.  Maybe even a dozen.  I'm not a fan of Timmy Ho's coffee, but wow, I'm craving one of their donuts right now.  I don't think I've had one since the last tournament I went away to...  about a year and a half ago.   

I've been a bottomless pit the past two days.  I can't get enough to eat.  Yet the scales keep going lower and lower.  I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant.  The difference is that I was fit and had muscle when I got pregnant.  Right now, it's all saggy and droopy.  But tonight when I was stripping down to get in the shower, I glimpsed myself and was surprised at how thin I am beneath the droopiness.  I think I ate about a half dozen muffins yesterday.  Thank goodness I'm making quadruple batches of them right now.  I've credited breast feeding for helping me to lose all of the pregnancy weight, so I guess I have BB's ravenous appetite to thank for the continuing loss.  It's the only explanation I can come up with for the insatiable hunger I've been feeling these past two days.  

I had my yearly dentist appointment today.  I really like my dentist, but I truly hate the dentist.  Does that make sense?  She's really nice, but I had a dentist as a kid who wrecked me for life when it comes to dentists.  I've also had a terrible, skin-crawling GP experience too, that I've been having a lot of flashbacks to recently, but I digress.  That's a topic for another post.  Maybe.  I was happy to hear that I once again don't have any cavities, so I (hopefully) won't have to set foot in her office for another year.  Next year I'm taking BB with me for his first appointment, so I'll have to pretend that I LOVE being poked, prodded and scraped.  It should be fun.  One neat thing about today's appointment is that she smoothed out my front teeth.  Sounds weird, I know.  I broke my tooth when I was a kid, and instead of putting a real cap on the tooth, they just kind of built one out of white filling material.  Anyway, the current fake tooth I sport seemed to have become a bit rough over the last couple of years (she says it happens with the white fillings sometimes) so she buffed it out.  It looks better and feels really smooth when I rub my tongue over it.  BB is always running his tongue over his new front teeth, and I had to chuckle when I caught myself doing the same thing tonight.

BB now has four teeth on top and four on bottom.  I finally managed to get a finger in his mouth this morning (the first time in a couple of days that he would let me) and the remaining two that were just under the skin have now broken through.  Maybe maybe maybe we'll have a good night sleep again sometime soon?  I don't mind if he needs to get up once, I get that.  He's a baby.  It's okay that he gave us 13 hours of consecutive sleep for 17 days in a row when he was three months old, and then took it away from us.  But having to get up with him two or three times a night right now, plus waking up for the day at 05:00 or earlier is really starting to make me feel a bit zombie-like.  

I've been working hard over the past couple of weeks to teach BB how to wave.  I've failed at every attempt.  Then last night, N was walking by with her hound and DH and BB were looking at her from the living room window.  DH told BB to wave hello, and demonstrated how to do it.  Guess who started waving?!  So exciting!  Now he waves at us all the time.  I was changing his diaper this afternoon and his sweet little arm was flailing around.  :)  

It's going to be an odd weekend...  DH is going to be at a seminar all weekend, so beginning late tomorrow afternoon, BB and I will be on our own for most of the time.  DH will be home to sleep, but from the sound of things, that's basically all we'll see of him until Sunday night.  I have a couple of friends coming over Saturday night for a Stitch-n-Bitch, but aside from that there's nothing else planned.  I'll probably be begging my parents to come visit to break up one of the two days.  I don't mind one bit being here with BB all day, but I always look forward to DH returning home from work at 16:30.  I'm not sure how it will feel not having that to look forward to with nothing else to break up the day.  On the bright side though, DH is taking tomorrow off of work, so we'll be able to get a few errands taken care of and spend a bit of time together.

I'm meeting with a potential babysitter next Wednesday night.  I'm a bit nervous.  If anybody reading this has any ideas about the sorts of questions I should ask her, please let me know.  I'm worried I'm going to forget something that is really important, and then will kick myself later for not asking.  There's still no decision on BN2, but I figure I need to get my ducks in a row in case we do decide to proceed.

Affectionate Little Guy

Yesterday was an icky day.  We were up lots in the night (darn those four teeth coming in all at once!) and our morning nap didn't happen.  Early in the afternoon I was tired and just needed a moment to sit.  I gave BB a book to play with and just held him in my lap while I checked out Facebook to see what was going on with everyone.  I'm not sure how long we sat like that.  Yesterday is a tired blur.  But it couldn't have been more than three or four minutes...  then he reached up, took my face in his little hands, and gave me a big kiss on the cheek!  He didn't grind his teeth into me, and I could feel his little lips making a kissy motion against my skin.  Suddenly I was snapped back to reality and my heart was dancing with happiness.  Apparently it wasn't a few minutes in front of the computer that I needed to rejuvenate me... it was a kiss from the sweetest little boy in the world.  

I Guess It's Not Over Until the Fat Lady Sings

First of all, I'd like to thank those of you who have left comments for me regarding the baby number two (BN2) situation.  You're all so supportive and kind.  I'd also like to thank you for not saying, "Maybe he'll change his mind."  I've only told three of my closest friends about this whole thing and each of them said it.  I didn't want to hold out any hope for that, because I couldn't stand to have my hopes dashed a second time.  For me, it was better to accept that this is how things will be and begin trying to deal with it and continue on my journey.  

...And then we started talking again on Saturday night.  I was baffled.  Completely baffled.  BN2 is actually a possibility.  I don't really want to get into the details here, or at least not now, but we're talking.  I feel like I'm playing a dangerous game right now... my heart is soaring, I'm so excited.  If he decides that no, he doesn't want to go through with it, I will be completely crushed.  In the meantime, I'm scoping out babysitters again, trying to line something up for May.  I still don't feel like leaving BB with someone else is the right thing to do, but if BN2 is going to happen, this is the route we need to take.  And at the end of my leave with BN2, I won't be going back to work full-time.  

Hopefully if we go through with this it will happen as quickly as it did last time.  We were so fortunate to have it 'take' on the first try.  It was pretty shocking at the time to have it happen so quickly.  My BFF, T, had her little boy a week before my test finally showed positive.  She and her hubby had tried for quite a while to get pregnant.  I was so happy that she already had her little boy by the time I found out; otherwise, I would have felt really guilty for it happening so easily for us when it was a struggle for them.  Not my fault, but I still would have felt bad.  

You know what I found so funny about making BB in one try?  The fact that I spent several months in high school "playing with fire" before I went on the pill.  It's amazing that I didn't become a high-school mom.  Fate must have been on my side in both instances.  

I'm in the mood to babble on all night, but I need to get to bed.  BB decided this morning that he should begin his day before 04:00.  I joined him for his 06:00 nap (who the heck takes a nap at that time of day?!) but I'm still tired, and who knows what time he's going to wake up tomorrow morning!  

The Light of my Life

Last month it seemed that BB was putting most of his efforts into learning to pull himself up and stand.  He's still doing this (he can even pull himself up using the wall now for support... nothing to really grab on to!) but he's back to developing some more neat tricks as well. 

A couple of months ago he started giving me kisses.  His kisses consisted of him wriggling over to me and pressing his open mouth against my face, and drooling all over me.  He never would do it if I asked, it was always something he would initiate on his own.  Now if I put my cheek in front of his face and ask for a kiss, he'll give me one.  And I noticed yesterday that he's starting to move his lips a little bit while he does it too.  So sweet!  This morning when he kissed me he dug his bottom teeth into my cheek... hopefully he doesn't continue doing that!  

DH has also taught BB to make kissing noises.  Now we can say, "kisses!" and kiss the air, and BB will smack his sweet little lips together to make a smacking sound.  The little grin that accompanies the sound is absolutely adorable.  He's so proud of himself.  One more way we are able to communicate with one another that doesn't involve him crying.  

Speaking of crying, BB is beginning to get angry when we take him away from something he shouldn't be into.  He'll cry and scream.  Luckily at this point, you can usually distract him pretty quickly with a toy.  But he remembers what he shouldn't have and eventually tries to go for it again.  

I've noticed this week that BB is now doing an honest-to-goodness crawl more often than not.  Up until now his main mode of transportation (besides being in our arms!) has been the "Wounded Soldier Shuffle"  (I actually read different stages of crawling in a Pampers brochure recently, and they called it the "Combat Crawl".  I had to laugh at the similar description.)  I don't think he moves much faster by crawling this way, but I think it's one step closer to being vertical. 

More on the vertical--He's now cruising a bit.  Not a lot but he is taking a few steps between the toy box and the chair in the living room (they're close enough that he can keep one hand on something as he moves about) and is also moving from end to end of the couch.

Dancing has become one of BB's favourite things.  He does it everywhere.  In his highchair, while playing and standing.  Yesterday he even did it while crawling.  He got on his hands and knees, pointed his bum in my direction and started wiggling it.  hehe.  

BB now claps his hands.  He'll do it when he's dancing (and he dances everywhere... in his highchair, while playing, standing, etc.  Sometimes he even does it without music.  

Yesterday his sixth tooth arrived--just two days after the fifth.  This one is on top, to the left of where his left front tooth will be.  I'm expecting that missing tooth any day now; it's so close to the surface, as is the tooth to the right of his right front tooth.

I went out last night to visit a friend, so DH was left to take care of the bath and bed time routine.  BB was happy in the grown-up bathtub!  Hurray!  Looks like I won't need to don my swimsuit tonight for his bath!  

Hopefully I've remembered everything I wanted to log.  If not, I reserve the right to edit to add things as I remember them!  :)

My Favourite Ladies are No Longer Whole

I normally don't pay much attention to the stuff that goes on in the entertainment world.  I am completely out of touch with it all.  I used to find it somewhat interesting when I had lots of time to kill reading about their silly lives, but now all of that celebrity gossip stuff just irritates me.  And now suddenly, I'm searching it out...

Yesterday morning I received an email from N sending me her condolences on Steven Page leaving Barenaked Ladies.  I was hoping with all of my being that it was a joke.  Nope, not a joke.  *sigh*  Normally I wouldn't care about such a thing.  This stuff happens.  But this is different. This is BNL.  These guys have been such a huge part of my life for about 15 years.  So many of their songs touch me in a way that most songs don't, and others still make me laugh out loud, even after I've heard them (literally) thousands of times.  I've been a bit distraught over the whole thing.  Yeah, I know, seems minor in the big scheme of what's currently going on in my life, but I can't help but feel a strong sense of loss over this whole thing.  He brought so much personality to the band's songs and to the band itself.  They say they're going to continue on without him, but I'm not sure how complete they will be now.  They're supposed to be recording a new album this fall, so I guess we'll see...  I have to say though, if I was to have expected anyone to walk away, it totally would have been him.  He seems to be a complex guy with a few demons that he's dealing with.  Hopefully he finds happiness in his solo career.  I am very very happy that I got to see them in Saint John two years ago this past Monday night.  Definitely an amazing experience that I will never forget.  They totally put a cherry on top of the concert for me by performing my all time favourite song, What A Good Boy, as their final encore.  

Since I'm thinking about music right now... I've recently discovered some very cool music.  I noticed that some of my friends from high school are fans on Facebook of someone named Marty Kolls.  I didn't think much of it.  Then last week it suddenly dawned on me that "Marty" might be a stage name for "Martha", and I went to high school with a girl named Martha Kolls.  I checked out her fan page, her website, and her myspace, and sure enough, it's Martha.  We weren't friends or anything, I just remember her.  She was pretty and seemed nice, but she seemed completely out of my league.  Her myspace page has some of her songs so I checked them out... then I bought both of her CDs from her site.  :)  They were only $5 each, so I didn't really have to worry about breaking the bank...  I'm sure that in May I'll be thinking twice before doing something like this.  Anyway, I'm really enjoying her music.  I played some while BB was eating lunch today and he was totally grooving to it.  Pretty cute.  :)  

No title for this one

I feel as if I've aged 10 years since Saturday night.  I'm trying not to show my hurt (and now the anger that's starting to well up inside of me) towards DH, but it's there.  

This did give me a good belly laugh tonight, which I totally needed.  (Note, the top here is female, the bottom is male.  Looks like something I'd see with our crew.) 

BB's fifth tooth arrived today.  It's his top, front, right tooth.  I have a feeling this is going to be another night with more than one wake-up.  I can't complain though, if the night time wake-ups are the only side effect of his teething.  I was chatting on Facebook today with some friends, and one of them was talking about using Oragel on her baby's gums and giving him ibuprophen.  I can't imagine drugging BB.  Either he's a very good natured baby, or I'm incredibly tolerant.  I'm guessing it's the former.  

Weekend

This has turned out to be the worst weekend in a very very long time.  

DH and I normally hang out together Saturday night.  We play games, have a snack, chat, etc.  The rest of the week we tend to go in our separate directions most nights, and on occasion I'll join him in front of the TV with the poochies.  

Last night neither of us was feeling up to a game, so we decided just to have a snack and a chat.  I had just received a response from the babysitter I had contacted on Thursday and was feeling cornered again about having to make a decision about the whole returning to work thing.  So we finally started talking out our options.  After lots of tears on my part, we eventually we came to the decision that I need to decide either way within the next few days whether I'm going back full-time, or whether I'm going to stay home with BB during the day and find a way to make $X on the side (most likely evening work of some sort) and then start working on making it happen.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, I really really really want another baby.  I have so many reasons.  I've been afraid to bring it up though, because DH wasn't exactly keen on having BB.  Yes, he was in agreement to it, but he was only doing it for me.  So as long as I didn't bring up the subject of having another baby, my dream couldn't be crushed.  However, if we were going to have a second child, it would make sense for me to return to work full-time and try to get pregnant right away so that I wouldn't miss out on too much time with BB, and so that they'd be close in age.  By returning to work full-time, I'd get EI benefits to help us get through another year.  Since we were talking about options and whatnot, I knew that I had to bring this up.  

And then my little imagined world of what our future will be like came crashing down around me.  At first I thought he was going to agree.  But no, it didn't happen.  The little bursts of conversation and tears and sobs and heartbreaking went on until almost 23:00.  I know he has his reasons.  I get that.  And I get that kids were never a part of his master plan.  

My heart is breaking for BB because he's never going to know what it's like to be close to a sibling.  It breaks for myself... I have so much love to give to another baby.  I now know how amazing it is to be a mom.  When I was pregnant with BB, I didn't look forward to him being born, because I didn't know how much I would love him.  I want to do it again and actually be excited about the baby's arrival.  And when BB was born, I only got to hold him for a moment before they whisked him away to NICU for most of the entire first day of his life.  I know that overall it didn't affect our bond, but I feel like I really missed on something by not getting to spend that first day together.  My heart breaks for us as a family.  

I feel as if I am mourning the loss of a child I never even had.  I don't know how this makes sense.  

When I view our family in my head, it's like there's this extra spot... it's blank right now and has something like, "insert child here" written over it.  It feels so weird knowing that it's going to be blank forever.

I don't know how else to put what I'm feeling into words.  I just re-read everything I've written and it reads so empty compared to how I'm feeling.  

It's so odd... having so much in common with one person, being so compatible with that person, loving that person so fully, yet being not on a different page, but an entirely different book on one topic that is so important.

And on top of all this, we quit flyball this weekend.  If I go back to work full-time, I can't leave BB on the weekend to go to practice or tournaments.  If I don't go back to work, we can't afford to go away to tournaments.  It's lose-lose.  We both feel terrible for disappointing the team, and having to give up something we both love so much.  In the end, it's all worth it for BB, but it's still hard to walk away from so many great friends.  

Bath Time, Take II

I wrote Wednesday night about our (failed) attempt to transition BB to the grown-up bath tub.

Thursday night didn't go any better.  More screaming and crocodile tears.  

Friday night I had to go into town to run a few errands, so DH was left to deal with bath time.  We decided beforehand that he should just bathe BB in the little blue baby tub, rather than upsetting BB while I wasn't here to help soothe him.  Turns out that bath time is no longer okay even in the little blue bath tub.  He reacted the same way as he does in the grown-up bath tub.  :(

Tonight we tried something different.  First, I geared up in my bathing suit.  When we took BB into the bathroom and he realized what was going on, he started to whimper.  So he and I sat on the toilet and chatted until he calmed down.  Then DH held BB on the toilet while I climbed into the bath tub and read his little bath tub book to him a few times.  ("Red crab scuttles fast.  Pink jellyfish glides past."  Yep, I have most of his books memorized.)  Then we played peek-a-boo with the shower curtain.  Finally he was giggling and laughing, so DH placed him in my lap in the bath tub.  We read the story a few more times and played silly with him while his little lower lip quivered.  Once he was okay with being in my lap, we placed him in the water facing me.  Bring on the tears and the crying.  So I hauled out the big guns.  Sing it with me!  "Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!"  I'm not sure why, but I have some amazing success with that song.  From that point on, the rest of the bath wasn't too bad.  We worked quickly but gently and even got a few giggles out of him along the way!  (He loved it when DH played the "Near... Far!" game with him...  think Grover from Sesame Street.)  Once we were finished we didn't linger; we called it a success and got him out of there!  

I'll probably climb in again tomorrow night too, just to be safe, and then hopefully he'll be okay.  There's an awful echo in the bathtub, and the side is quite high; it's no wonder he's feeling overwhelmed in there! 

For some strange reason, putting on my bathing suit, climbing in the bath tub and singing my heart out to Old MacDonald completely reminded me of the night I spent giving birth to BB.  I felt exposed and a bit weird having an audience, but I had a job to do, so that's what I focused on.  I know the two incidents are nothing alike, but it really left me with that same feeling.  And now that the job is done, I have a similar feeling of victory.  :)

Blue Wrapped in White

It's snowing again.  This winter, the snow hasn't bothered me.  I haven't had anywhere to go.  Let it snow.  Today though, it seems exceptionally dark.  We're almost out of wood, and electric heat isn't the same, so I'm feeling a bit chilly.  

The whole work thing is starting to seem more and more real every day.  Some days I have the "I can make this work!" attitude.  Days like today I just want to cry.  If I stay home with BB and find an evening job, will I have any energy for life?  I'm one of those people who needs at least eight hours of sleep to properly function.  I need to take a sick day every couple of months.  Not because I'm sick, but because I need a day to recharge my batteries.  If I choose this path, that will not be an option.  

I've said it before... I can't stand the idea of someone else raising BB.  It's our job.  But will my time with him be quality?  If I take an evening job we won't have the family suppers that I planned on.  If I take an evening job, I won't be here for bedtime.  But if I take an evening job, will I have the energy to give BB the best days possible?  

Why can't I have it all?  The money and the time with BB?  Okay, I know why, but just indulge me in my whineyness.  

I responded to another kijiji ad today.  I hadn't contacted anyone since the week I met with my manager.  This daycare is about seven minutes from home.  The ad was worded nicely and there were no spelling mistakes.  Yes, that is important to me.  If you can't spell well enough to post an ad on kijiji, you're not going to be spending all day every day with my son.  None of the other ads I had responded to really worked out due to location.  Location won't be an issue with this one.  I'll need to find another excuse not to like it.  

DH and I need to sit down and figure out exactly what we need in order to make this work.  I don't know where to start.  I'm overwhelmed, emotional and I can't think straight.

Bath Time!

Tonight we gave BB a bath in the grown-up tub.  Bye-bye little blue baby tub.  In all honesty, he should have been out of the little tub a long while ago, but our tub has been too gross to put him in.  So we've each had a pass (or three or four in DH's case) at the tub, and it's finally clean.  We were both pretty excited to move him into the tub, but he hated it.  No, hate isn't a strong enough word.  HATE might be better.  He sat there taking it all in for a couple of minutes, long enough for me to get a couple of pictures.  Then he tried to move a little bit and looked like he might be about to lose his balance.  Then the tears started.  And the screaming.  Poor little guy.  His bath ended up being a quick soap, rub, and rinse, and then wrapped up in the towel for some hard-core cuddling.  

I've read that some babies don't like moving into the big tub, but since BB is so good natured, it never occurred to me that he might have an issue with it.  We'll see how tomorrow night goes.  I think I'll be ready to hop in with him if he needs the moral support.  

Heh, this reminds me of people I used to babysit for when I was a teenager.  I started flipping through one of their photo albums (it was in their family room, not hidden away some place private or anything) and saw lots of cute pics of their little guy.  I came across some pics of the little guy in the bath tub, no biggie.  Then I turned the page...  and there was 'dad' in the bathtub with the little guy, and all of his stuff was in the picture!!  Ew.  Ew.  Ew.  I quickly slammed the book shut and put it back.  I doubt I was meant to see that.  

Oh, and that brings me to another story.  I told DH that I wanted a picture of BB as soon as he was born.  You know, still all covered in cottage cheese, fresh into the world.  On Facebook, I saw a pic of a friend's little girl that was taken within moments of her entrance into the world.  You could tell the doc was holding her up in the air, and it was a great shot of her.  I was envisioning the same thing.  DH is wonderful at following my instructions, and he did exactly what I asked for... I have a pic of BB laying on my stomach with my hands touching his body, he's completely covered in cottage cheese, and completely purple... and you can follow the cord from his tummy to my crotch.  Yep, included in this picture of BB is a full-on shot of my crotch.  I thought about cropping it out, but decided against it.  I think it's actually a very cool picture, so soon after birth that the two of us are still connected together, but it's one of those things that you don't really want to share with everyone.  Or anyone for that matter.  

Hamburger Soup and Biscuits

I made the yummiest supper tonight.  Hamburger soup and biscuits.  Both were simple yet tasty.  We don't seem to do a lot of homey, simple meals, but we've started trying to make more of them to save a few bucks.  One of the best parts about this meal is that it isn't spicy (90% of our meals are) so it's something that we'll be able to make when BB starts sharing more of our meals.

I didn't have a recipe for the soup, I just winged it.  When I visited T a couple weekends ago, she had made a pot of it, so I felt inspired to give it a try on my own.  As for the biscuits, I used the recipe my mom has always used, but I included some whole wheat flour to up the wholesomeness factor, and I had to guess at the instructions as they were kind of vague.  Here are the recipes if you're interested in giving them a try (I'll try to be more detailed in the biscuit instructions that the original recipe is.)

Hamburger Soup

1 lb hamburger

2 carrots, chopped

1 onion, chopped

2 cloves of garlic, chopped

Fry all together in frying pan until ground beef is cooked.  Drain fat.

Add:

2 tsp oregano

28oz can of tomatoes, diced (use the salt-free kind)

4 cups beef broth (I used the liquid bouillon and water)

1/2 cup barley

Freshly ground pepper to taste (I used oodles of this.)

Bring to a boil then simmer for 1 hour.

Fluffy Biscuits

2 cups white flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 tsp salt

1-1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1 tbsp cream of tartar

1/2 cup butter

1-1/3 cups milk

Mix first six ingredients together in bowl.  Cut in butter with pastry blender.  Stir in milk.  Mixture will be gooey.  Flour a workspace and place the mixture on the flour.  Sprinkle a bit more flour on top of the mixture and use your hands to spread it out.  Use a round cutter to cut approximately 12 biscuits.  Bake at 400F for 15 minutes or until browned.

Quick Update

Once again, I'm sitting here wondering where the time has gone.  It feels like forever since I last posted.  I've had so many things that have made me think, "I need to write about this."  Then I proceed to mentally blog, but I haven't had the time to sit down and actually type any of it out.  

I need to get to bed soon; I feel like I'm running on empty.  But first I want to record a few things while they're on my mind.  

• Sunday was a big day in our house.  I celebrated my 10th anniversary with Kitty, and it was BB's nine month birthday!  

• BB has been working on standing up for a little while now.  He's pretty much mastered it and is now starting to stand up using a wall for support--nothing to grab on to to pull himself up!  If you blink, you can miss the process of him getting up.  He's sitting down one second, and the next he's standing there staring at you.  He's really getting good at landing on his bum when he's ready to get down.  You can't turn your back on him for even a moment--you never know what he's going to grab on to, and it's so scary to think of him flipping something over onto himself, or him falling and crashing into something that could seriously hurt him.  

• I cleaned out the bottom two shelves of the pantry yesterday, and found room for the big bags of flour that have been sitting on my kitchen floor for months, and the bags of cat food that have never had a home (besides sitting next to the cat's dishes on the kitchen floor!)  Tonight I packed away most of our pictures and decorations from the living room.  Hopefully I'll have the place baby-proofed soon.  I'm just so uncertain where to put everything.  I find I have to think hard to come up with a good place to re-home all of our stuff.  It's a slow process when you always need to find the perfect solution to a problem before you can proceed.  (Before anyone thinks I'm a bad mother, BB is never left unattended in a non-baby-proofed area!  Heck, he's rarely left unattended if he's not in his crib or play pen.  After a diaper change, he'll crawl into the bathroom while I'm in there washing up, so my back is turned on him for that 30 seconds while he's scooting to the bathroom.  hehe.  It's so cute seeing him round the corner into the bathroom with a big smile on his face, so proud of his ability to move from room to room now!)  
  

• My in-laws visited today.  It wasn't bad.  BB is very much in the clingy and shy stage, so it took a while for him to warm up to them.  I don't force him on to people if he wants to be with me.  I want him to feel reassured that everything is safe and secure in his world.  When he's ready, he makes friends.  

• I've done something I haven't done yet - I have intentionally shared my blog with a friend.  Eek.  Hi M.  :) 

• S is back in town!  Wahoo!  N and I visited her last night.  We picked up those super expensive but incredibly yummy candy apples from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate place to eat during our visit.  I also made brownies and S had some delicious cheese from the market and some crackers and some great spreads.  I didn't get home until almost 11:30... way past my bedtime!

• I got an email from the HR manager late this afternoon.  She wants the details on what I'm looking for if I don't return full-time in May.  I'm feeling a bit panicky.  I don't handle rejection well (or at all) and I'm worried she's going to tell me I'm asking for too much.  But if I don't ask there's no chance of it happening, right?

• I've decided I need to cut back on the refined sugar I'm eating.  I've been making so many squares and cookies lately.  I love baking.  But unfortunately, all of the baking needs to be eaten!  (What a chore!)  By the end of last week I was starting to feel pretty bad and came down with a bit of a cold.  I've always noticed that if I have too much sugar it seems to affect my immune system.  So I have to find something else that I enjoy baking...  I'd like to try bread sometime.  Maybe I should give that a go sometime soon.
  

Banana Snack Cake

I love how a scent or a flavour can take me back in time.  Right now I'm enjoying a cup of Almond Rocker tea and a piece of banana snack cake.  I haven't had this tea since the summer...  when BB was a tiny baby boy, when I was beyond tired, when a cup of this tea would make me feel like I was a little bit more connected to the world.  It's funny, it was a difficult time but I really miss it.  Not that I'm not happy how things are now; I'm sure that in a few months I'll be missing right now too.  I think more than anything I'd love to be able to re-live it all again.  These past (almost) nine months have been such a wonderful time for me.  

Hmmm... I didn't begin this post with the intent of talking about the tea.  It was actually the banana snack cake that I was thinking about.  I've loved to bake for as long as I can remember.  When I was little I'd beg mom to let me bake something.  Every so often she would give in.  I'd mix lots of everything into a bowl, and then she'd pop it into the oven for me.  I remember all of my creations always tasted very salty.  :)  I was feeling a bit creative yesterday afternoon.  Rather than winging it the way I used to when I was a kid, I started with a recipe, but changed it significantly to make it a bit healthier.  The result is pretty darned tasty!  Normally the first time I make a recipe, I do it exactly the way the original recipe says so I can evaluate whether it's even worth trying to improve it.  But yesterday I could see so many opportunities to improve on this recipe, so I just jumped in.  I chose this recipe because it has mashed banana in it, and I had three over-ripe bananas sitting on my counter screaming at me to do something with them!  Without further ado, here is my wonderful recipe!

Banana Snack Cake

1 cup all purpose flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

Mix together, set aside.

2 eggs

1/4 cup canola oil

3 mashed, ripe bananas

1/2 cup sour cream (go for the low-fat stuff)

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup chocolate chips (I used the normal sized ones, but minis would be good.)

With a mixer, mix the eggs and canola oil in another bowl.  Then add the bananas, sour cream, and vanilla, mixing well again.  Gradually add the dry ingredients to the went ingredients, mixing well after each addition.  Fold in chocolate chips.

Pour batter into a greased 9 x 13 baking pan (I used a Pyrex dish) and bake in preheated 350F oven for 28 minutes (use a toothpick to test that it is done.)  Cool on a wire rack, cut into 16 pieces and store in an airtight container.  

What are you waiting for?  Give it a try!  :)

Ewwww!

Since starting BB on solids, I've noticed that he seems to become a bit constipated if I don't eat lots of fibre.  He's normally a poop once (maybe twice) a day kind of guy, but if I don't fibre it up, he'll skip a day.  Very recently I've noticed that when he skips a day, the following day it takes a long while for him to get things moving again.  It starts off with what my mother used to call a 'bunny turd' in his diaper, and then later on he'll have a real bowel movement.  I'm not sure what the connection is between my fibre intake and his BMs (it's not like bits of fibre flow out of my breasts!  I think I would feel that!) but there definitely does seem to be a connection.

Normally for breakfast I'll eat a bowl of oatmeal with wheat germ and ground flax seed mixed in, and some cinnamon sprinkled on top.  I'm getting a bit tired of this, and I'm starting to use crazy amounts of brown sugar on top of the concoction to try to choke it down.  

So last week, I decided that I would take another break from the oatmeal, but to make sure that I didn't cause any issues for BB, I started eating bran cereal for breakfast instead.  I don't have any BM issues, so I'm doing this entirely for BB (but I know that the fibre is good for me, even if I don't have any issues.)  Apparently the bran wasn't enough though, and he had another incident this weekend.  So yesterday morning I filled my bowl up with my oatmeal mixture again.  I noticed that the wheat germ seemed to be going lumpy, but I didn't think anything of it.  

Yesterday afternoon I wasn't feeling well...  was super nauseous.  I assumed it was simply because I was over tired.  

This morning I was preparing my bowl of oatmeal.  I had everything mixed up and was about to add water, when I picked out one of the little lumps of wheat germ.  It looked like it had a bit of mould on it.  I tossed the lump into the compost bucket, and picked out another one.  Same thing.  I went to the pantry and hauled out the container of wheat germ.  Yep, there was small blue fuzzies growing over all of the wheat germ.  

Since mould is actually one of the things I'm very allergic to, it's not surprising that I felt sick after eating a couple tablespoons of mouldy wheat germ with my breakfast yesterday.  Yucky, yuck, yuck, yuck!

Socially Inept

I made it to SJ and back home yesterday. BB was wonderful in the car, both ways. Not a peep out of him. I was quite anxious though.

We spent about three hours visiting at T's house. The boys were so cute together. T's little guy, N, is about 17 months, and did not want to share his toys with BB.  Every toy BB had, N would snatch it out of his hand.  BB didn't mind, he was pretty groggy acting the whole time we were there.  I think he was a bit overwhelmed being in a different place with different people and different toys.  We really need to get out more.

I've always felt uncomfortable in social situations.  But when I'm with my immediate family or a few close friends, I never feel that way.  Yesterday, I was with one of my BFFs, and felt like I was socially inept.  I realized about half way though the visit that I was hardly talking.  So then I started stressing over the fact that I wasn't talking, and really couldn't think of anything to say other than, "I don't know what to say."  I think it might have been a bit different if her husband wasn't there too.  He spent the entire visit hanging out with us and the boys.  Not a big deal, but it really does turn on my censor.  Also, I find it hard to have a real conversation when there are two kids on the scene.  Someone always needs attention.  So in that situation, I find that I don't even bother trying a whole lot to make deep conversation or tell stories because it's usually completely disjointed or ends up being left unfinished.  

I've been feeling out of place whenever I'm in a group of people lately.  I wonder if all of my much-loved home time might be making me less confident around other people.  It was so surprising to have that same feeling yesterday though.  I'm going to chalk it up to me being overtired from the 5am wake-ups these past few weeks, the anxiety about making the return trip home, the little ones needing attention, and the extra person with us.  

And, if I do get to stay home with BB instead of returning to work full time, I think we definitely need to find a play group--for both him and me!

I Don't Like Doing This, But...

I've reviewed my posts, and changed how I refer to my hubby and son, "just in case".  I think this move will help me to keep it real.  Not that I haven't been.  But this will ensure it continues.  I'm not too worried about the odd friend reference, but anyone who remotely knows me would recognize the initials of my family plus some of the obvious facts about my life.  (Really though, do you know that many people with five dogs?!  ;o)  )

I didn't change anything in the blog other than how I referred to them... I've recently been referring to hubby as DH and baby boy as DS, but I haven't really like either of those.  They sound so impersonal.  So DS is now BB for Baby Boy, something I call him quite frequently.  He may get Monkey Man some too, since I seem to call him that a LOT.  I don't have anything different for hubby yet other than DH, but once I think of something, I'll use it on a go-forward basis.  

Stepping Out

Tomorrow I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  And I'm taking BB with me.  I'm asking myself if it's fair to him, to drag him along when I'm not comfortable doing something.  But he's the entire reason I'm not comfortable doing it.  If I stayed in my comfort zone, he would never leave the house.

I'm taking a little road trip to visit my BFF in SJ.  And of course, BB is coming with me.  Before BB's arrival, I didn't think twice about jumping in the car on the weekend and spending the day with T.  But, I haven't made the trek since before he was born.  I haven't been comfortable traveling that far with him all by myself.  (I don't really need to list the reasons.  I think they're pretty obvious.)  But T came up to visit me with her little guy when BB was born...  and now BB is almost the same age her guy was at the time.  It's time I spread my wings and fly again--with BB on my back.  Or in my backseat, rather.  I have a gnawing pain in my stomach just thinking about it.  

Wow

I was plugging away having a perfectly normal day. Then pow. Suddenly I no longer feel like myself. I feel like a stranger trapped in my body. Hopefully I'm just over-tired. I feel lost and bewildered right now. I've blown 'date-night' with DH, and all I want to do is hold DS... but he's in bed sleeping, so I should just leave him alone.  Even the Internet isn't amusing me right now.  I'm going to knit until the washer is done washing the diapers, then take a shower, and go to bed.  And hope that I'm back to being myself tomorrow.

Pictures

I haven't been feeling the blogging vibe this week.  However, I have finally uploaded a bunch of post-Christmas pictures to Facebook!  Not a small task, considering the number of pictures I take on a daily basis!  Finally one little project caught up!  

My next project is to sort through my pics from September to January and choose which ones to have printed for my album.  That's going to be an expensive Wal-Mart trip!