Please, Don't Feed the Baby

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a craft sale here in town.  There's one vendor who has some delicious preserves, chocolate sauces, etc.  I purchased some preserves from them at the show in November, and decided that I wanted to try some more of their products.  The lady was very friendly and helpful, and was very happy to let me sample their products.  Then she looks at BB, and says, "Has he tried chocolate yet?"  (In her adorable little British accent.)

I cheerfully said, "No", not expecting what was coming next.

She then dipped a popsicle stick in a jar of chocolate sauce, and started walking towards his stroller saying, "Oh, well, let's give him a little taste then!"  (The accent is suddenly not so adorable.)

My mother and I both practically jumped out of our skin and quickly said, "NO!"  

The lady looked at me like I had three heads.  How dare I deprive my six and a half month old from experiencing the joys of chocolate?

Fast forward to the next day.  I took BB to the children's Christmas party hosted by my office.  I was sharing the chocolate story with my co-workers and couldn't understand why no one there seemed to understand my disgust with the situation.  Then I looked around.  Four of the six kids that were under a year old were all sucking on garlic fingers!  Only BB, and a two month old who couldn't even hold his head up were the only two not going to town on the greasy old things.  

What is wrong with these people?  For starters, everything I've read says that you shouldn't introduce chocolate to a baby until they're at least a year old.  And really, the day he turns a year, do you really think I'm going to say, "Here baby, have a chocolate bar!"  Um, no.  And why are these people feeding their kids garlic fingers?  As long as BB is young enough that I am able to control what he eats, I want him to eat healthy food, not crap.  I want him to develop an appreciation for healthy food.  When he gets a bit older I will have no issues with him having a treat.  We all do it.  But for now I don't want him to develop a taste for junk food.  And people wonder why there is an obesity problem in North America.  

Today we had some family here visiting for lunch.  BB had already had a bowl of bananas (which he gobbled down!) and had been breast fed.  He was definitely full, and was sitting happily in his high chair with us while we ate.  One of our guests looks at him and says to me, "Oh, I feel so bad eating in front of him."  She then looks at BB and says, "I wish I could give you some food from my plate, but I know they wouldn't like that."  No sh*t we wouldn't like that!  This is someone who is always telling us that she would like to babysit for us sometime.  I had been starting to consider leaving BB with her some evening so that DH and I could have a couple of hours out.  Not now.  I'm too worried that she'll try to slip him some food that I'm not ready to introduce to him.  She definitely blew her chances for a while. 

Why do people seem to think they know better than I do what's best for my baby?  He's our son, and we are doing what we feel is best for him.  Giving him some chocolate, or a garlic finger, or a piece of bacon or french toast is not something that I feel would benefit him at this point.  I don't think I'm wrong for feeling this way.  And if I do find out that someone has been slipping BB food behind my back, thinking that what Mommy doesn't know won't hurt her, they should be aware that if Mommy does find out, there's a good chance they are going to be cut out of BB's life.  I'm that serious about this topic.

Cooking with Breastmilk

BB hasn't been eating as well as usual lately, and I'm guessing it's due to teething.  This morning when I made his pot of rice/oatmeal for the next few days, I decided to cook it in breastmilk instead of water.  I figure this way he'll get more nutrients from it, since he isn't getting as much from me right now.  Plus, I had a pretty good stash of milk in the fridge from pumping every morning this week.

My house now smells very odd.  I wish I could describe it, but as you've probably noticed, I'm not that great with the words.  It certainly doesn't smell like I've been cooking with dairy!  I wonder if the dogs are downstairs salivating?

'Tis the Busiest Time of the Year!

I haven't been showing much love to my blog lately!  The reason?  Christmas!  I've been out two nights this week shopping (not buying oodles, just lots of stops) and yesterday afternoon and last night I got all of the pics of BB that we're giving for gifts framed and wrapped.  I also finished the second Booga Bag early this week, and finished the second boring I-Cord yesterday!  (I'll try to post some pics of the bags at some point.)  I'm planning on heading back to town tonight.  I'm armed with a list, and providing a store that I need to visit downtown is open tonight, I'll be able to finish my shopping tonight!  I've never been been so ready for Christmas!

Next on the agenda, knit a little hat and mitts for BB.  I picked a ball of yarn from my stash last night and started casting on the hat this morning...  then BB needed some love, so I shoved it aside for later.  I need to make pies for Christmas (I can make DH's strawberry-rhubarb and my dad's apple pie now and freeze them, and closer to Christmas I'm going to try my hand at coconut-cream for my FIL), cupcakes (again, for my FIL... but they're easy, he wouldn't appreciate the effort if I made them from scratch, so I just crack open a box for him!) and maybe another pan of squares or some cookies--only because I like eating them.  

Although BB's tooth has broken through the gums, he's still not in the best of spirits.  He's sleeping pretty good at night (yeah!), but his daytime naps are really short (say, 45 minutes a pop!) and when he's awake, it's hard to keep him occupied.  He doesn't cry a lot but he's whiney.  When he is content to play on the floor, he's constatly trying to play with the Christmas tree!  It's funny, but I worry that he's going to pull it down onto himself.  He seems happiest when I hold him and read stories to him.  Good thing I've bought him a bunch of books for Christmas, because I'm getting sick of the ones he currently has... it wouldn't be so bad if all of his books were options, but we can only read the board books because as soon as we start to read a paper book he grabs it out of my hands and starts to crumple and chew on it.  I'm smiling as I type this... he's so funny.  It's been a somewhat trying week, but I have abolutely no complaints about it, and from what I hear other parents say about their children teething, this has been a walk in the park.  

Milestone

BB has been rather cranky this week.  It hasn't been impossible to deal with, by any means, but he hasn't been his usual cheerful self.  I figured it might have something to do with teeth, but wasn't certain... DH has a cold, so I thought that maybe BB might have picked it up off of him.  

About an hour ago he bit my finger.  OW!  He has a sharp little tooth there!  And it wasn't there this morning.  (He chews on my hands a lot!)  I don't think it was even there for his 11:30 feeding.  He's been chewing on books pretty much all day though, so I guess it must have just broke through!  I'm not looking forward to his next feed...  Let's hope my nipples stay intact.

Tired of Trying

I just returned home from round 1 of Christmas shopping.  Whew.  I now have all of our pictures printed that we're giving as gifts, and frames bought for the pics.  I'm tired and headachy.  The roads are total crap, and The Settlement road is beyond crap.

This is just a quick post to announce to the world that I'm tired of caring about everyone.  When I see a friend posting a status on Facebook that is reaching out, looking for a friend, looking for a hand, looking for anything, I'll often acknowlege it.  Let them know that I'm thinking of them.  Try to help them not feel so alone.  Most times, I find I rarely get a thank you, let alone a response.  For some reason I seem to care about these people and how they're feeling... afterall, they are my 'friends'.  If they're having a rough day, I feel bad.  It happened yet again today.  Don't reach out and ask for a friend and then push away someone who offers to help you.  

I know I'll probably continue caring and trying, but for tonight, I'm sick of it.

The Rise of the Chicken Burrito

DH made chicken burritos for supper last night.  They might just be the best thing he's ever created... which is a bit crazy, since he's pretty fricking good in the kitchen.  I ate one for a bedtime snack last night and am eating another one for breakfast.  Why am I typing this as I eat?  I should be sitting in a quiet corner and concentrating solely on the wonderful flavours mingling in my mouth.

Oh Christmas Tree

I put up our Christmas tree today.  It looks the same as it does every year.  The tree is about 21 years old.  It belonged to my grandmother, and I believe she bought it the year my grandfather died.  I "inherited" it about nine or ten years ago.  It's been around.  My decorations have been around too.  Some of them are from my childhood.  And my flashy silver garland has been with me even longer than the tree has.  I think I bought it in college, so let's say about 1997, since I don't think I put up a tree in 1996.  My lights are about five or six years old.  They're rope-style, clustered, coloured mini lights.

It's a tacky tree.  It doesn't have the pretty ribbons and clear lights that so many people decorate their trees with these days.  Martha Stewart, or whoever the currently worshipped decorator is, would be appalled at it.  But it's my tree.  And it will be BB's tree too.  And because I don't expect it to be perfection, I'll be happy to let him help decorate it when he's big enough.  And I won't follow him around and rearrange all of the ornaments.  

This year, since BB is still very young, he sat on the living room floor and watched it go up.  He just started sitting up on his own this week, without needing us to be right there in case he topples over.  Yesterday was definitely the turning point for him.  So today I plunked him on the floor with some toys, and a couple pillows behind him, to break his fall, just in case.  He totally didn't need the pillows.  He sat square on his behind and watched the entire tree go up.  In fact, he barely touched his toys, he was so interested in what I was doing.  I ended up picking him up before he even thought of falling over.  

I'm always singing songs to BB.  I get tired of constatly babbling to him, so I often sing children's songs.  I tried to sing Oh Christmas Tree to him while I was putting up the tree, and realized that I don't know the words beyond, "Oh Christmas Tree."  Whoops.  I'm sure once I get some Christmas tunes cranked it will all come back to me!  

I've been listening to the CBC for the past week during the days.  I always used to make fun of people who listen to the CBC.  Now I'm one of those people.  I have become tired of listening to the same songs over and over again on the stations here in town.  It seems that they play one song I like, two I'm okay with, and then five that I can't stand.  So I decided to give the CBC a try.  And it's interesting.  And I'm learning lots.  Today while I was putting up the tree they did a call-in show where people could share some of their favourite Christmas food memories.  It was great.  And since I haven't dug out the Christmas tunes yet, it helped me to feel Christmassy while putting up the ol' tree!

So what does the ol' tree look like anyway?  Well, I'll try to post my first pic ever on here so you can see... (I tried two different settings on my camera.  I'm just getting around now to learning a few things about the settings about it.)

Note:  Edited to upload resized pictures.  Live & learn.  :)

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

I received a message on FB the other day from someone I went to elementary school with.  We reconnected last spring and haven't really talked much since (even though she actually lives in The Settlement as well.)  Anyway, she messaged me because she has discovered that her one year old son has some pretty serious food allergies.  She says he's a huge eater, but she doesn't know how to add variety and keep him satisfied.  She said she has the impression that I am health-conscious like she is, and even though BB is younger than her son, I might have some ideas for her.

I'm not quite sure where she got the impression about me being health conscious, but it definitely is true.  I'm not a fanatic by any means, but over the last few years, healthy living has become a much bigger part of my life.  And now that BB has begun solids, I'm learning even more about healthy eating--and loving every second of increasing my knowledge in this area.  

I was pretty flattered that she thought to come to me for advice, and I love this sort of a challenge.  So I asked for the list of what he can eat, and also the list of what he can't eat, and then scoured all of my baby food cookbooks to come up with some meal ideas for her.  Once I started looking at the books, meal ideas were popping into my head that weren't even in the books!  I spent quite a bit of time working on this, but it was exciting and a lot of fun.

When I sat down to email her with some of my ideas I became a bit nervous.  What if she thought my ideas were stupid?  Or maybe she's already thought of these things; after all, some of them did seem pretty obvious.  She replied back and was really excited about some of the ideas (she even mentioned that she was really pleased with one of the obvious ones!)  I'm going to send her some recipes for my ideas, because she says she is not much of a cook.

Perhaps I missed my calling?  I am definitely more excited about doing this than I have ever been about my real-world job.

Christmas Panic

I'm starting to feel the Christmas panic.  I thought I'd manage to avoid all that this year, since I'm actually home.  But nope.  

Tonight after BB went to bed DH helped me lug up all of the Christmas decorations and the tree from the closet under the basement stairs.  I'd like to get started putting the tree up tonight, but there is a year's worth of dust, dirt, and dog hair accumulated on the totes (I think it falls in between the little cracks where the back of the stairs meet the part of the stairs that you step on) and I don't want to disturb BB's sleep by running the vacuum cleaner.  So everything is lined up and ready to be vacuumed first thing in the morning.  

I'm going to cool it on the Christmas baking for now.  I have two types of cookies and the nanaimo bars in the freezer.  It doesn't sound like much, but we don't have much (or any!) company...  aside from Christmas day that is.  I need to focus on decorating and finalizing gifts.

Normally on Christmas, we go to mom & dad's for Christmas Eve because it's my brother's birthday.  Then we go back down Christmas morning and are home around supper time because the dogs need to be let out.  We usually head to GF to DH's parents' place either on Boxing Day or the 27th.  But not this year.  We've decided that we need to start our own traditions now that BB is on the scene.  Sure, he won't remember a thing from this Christmas, but we need to start sometime.  So Christmas is taking place at our place in The Settlement this year.  

We've invited my family and DH's family to join us on Christmas day if they would like.  I believe my parents and my brother are joining us, and DH's parents are supposed to be coming down.  I'm not sure if DH's brother is coming or not.  I'm not really certain what sorts of traditions I want to establish for BB.  I've read of some families that give their kids a new pair of PJs on Christmas Eve from Santa's Elves.  I think that's cute, and I might start that.  Aside from that, I'm not sure.  Once BB is older we'll make cookies for Santa too.  That will be fun.  I'm sure other traditions will evolve over time.  Everything doesn't have to start this year.  But my Christmas focus has definitely changed since last year!  It's all about BB now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Best Nanaimo Bars Ever

I used to buy the box of nanaimo bar mix.  You know, the kind that you just add some butter and milk to, then press them into the pan.  I thought they were wonderful.  Until last Christmas.  I was about four months pregnant, and all I could taste was chemicals.  I swore off the boxes of nanaimo bars forever.  

Fast forward to now.  Or a couple weeks ago actually.  I received an email from Rogers Media with some receipes.  (I seem to get a lot of emails from random companies with recipes.)  This particular email had a recipe for Quintessentially Canadian Nanaimo Bars, which I decided to make today.  It was an all day affair, not because the recipe is that difficult, but because I had to work on them whenever I had the time.  I prepared the base while BB was in his Jumperoo just before his afternoon nap.  I spent his nap-time making tonight's supper.  The creamy middle was prepared after supper, while DH watched BB for me.  And the chocolate topping was prepared after BB went to bed tonight.  30 minutes later I got to try them.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  They are wonderful.  

I have to admit, I was sketched out by adding the raw egg to the base.  I even considered omitting it.  Next time I make them, I'll probably buy some of that fake egg product, just to be on the safe side.

I doubled the receipe and put them into my 9x13 pan instead of the 8x8 the recipe calls for, and it worked out beautifully.  My plan was to put them in the freezer as part of my Christmas baking.  Now I'm not sure if they're going to be put in the freezer, or into my belly.

Getting it Together

It's hard to believe it's December already.  BB is 6.5 months old now.  I finally feel like I'm finally getting it together.  I'm much closer to running my house.  It feels good.  Last week I started with a to-do list.  It's helping to keep me focused.  When I had completed the list at the end of the week, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  My computer died last week, and while I was offline, I got a lot of stuff done.  I've discovered that I waste a lot of time sitting here!  Now that I'm back online with a new computer (not a nice expense to have so close to Christmas!) I'm aware of what a time waster it can be.  

A friend came to visit at 11:00 on Sunday.  I slept in Sunday morning, and when I woke up I didn't have to go into a mad panic to clean, because my house was already clean.  I just had to quickly put a few things away and tidy up, and I was ready to go.  I even had time to whip up a batch to cinnamon sticky buns before she arrived.

My to-do list for this week is already quite long.   But I know I can get it done, as long as I stay focused.  

Perhaps eventually I'll be able to move all of this goodness to the basement...  now that's a disaster.

Sad for Humanity

Seriously, what is this world coming to? Have you heard about the Wal-Mart employee that was trampled to death when a crazy rush of people tried to take advantage of a sale? It's all over the news today.

I admit that I put far too much emphasis on material goods. That being said, I don't think I would ever put someone to harm in an effort to save a few bucks!

Since BB's arrival I find that I am starting to enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life far more often. I feel like I'm a bit more in touch with a deeper part of myself and the world around me. I like this change in me.

I started my Christmas shopping last night. I bought a stocking for BB (I resisted buying the "Baby's 1st Christmas" stocking, and chose one that he can use year after year) a CD of children's songs for him, and an outfit. And to be honest, I don't plan on buying a lot more for him. I'd like to get him a good pair of shoes to wear as he becomes more mobile, and maybe a few books. I'll probably finish filling his stocking with necessities. I'm sure our families will buy plenty for him, since he is the first grandchild on both sides.

Speaking of BB's Christmas presents... I caved and bought some wrapping paper. But it's not what you think. DH made a good point... BB will probably be trying to eat the wrapping paper on Christmas morning. We'll obviously try to prevent it, but he suggested that we wrap BB's gifts in kraft paper so that we don't have to be quite so vigilant about him eating the dye from the normal gift wrap. I bought a huge roll of it last night for about three dollars... a lot less than I would have paid for the same amount of wrapping paper. Plus, I believe it can be recycled, wrapping paper cannot be. My resolution remains firm for the remainder of my gift giving - I still refuse to purchase wrapping paper or paper/plastic gift bags. When BB gets bigger and likes to colour, I'm sure he'll have a blast colouring on the remainder of the roll of paper.

Talking about BB has cheered me up a bit. I feel sad that he's growing up in such a crazy world, but I'll do my best to give him a social conscience. DH and I turned out to be decent people, surely we can raise BB to be a decent person too.

My First Official Rant

The person covering my maternity leave, often forwards work-related emails to me here at home. He knows that I'm anal-retentive, and I think that he feels that I probably want to be kept in the loop. I don't. It only makes me dread going back even more. It's rare that the emails he forwards are good-news emails. It's all of the conflict that takes place on a daily basis. That conflict is a major reason why I don't want to return. Some would tell me to just delete the emails. It's not in my nature. Once they're in my inbox I need to read them. And save them. In case I need them when I return to work. OMG I hope I don't have to go back.

I picked up the pics tonight. I'm so disappointed in them. There is a shadow in the background in most of the pictures. The family pictures are hideous. My head and DH's head look like they've ballooned to 150% of their normal size. I was looking forward to having a nice family photo done, but they are some of the worst ones. BB is so adorable though--when I first looked at the pictures, some of them took my breath away. There are definitely some pictures there that will work for printing out to 5x7 or 8x10 as gifts for family. But the selection that I hoped for isn't there. I want to cry right now. The photographer asked me to email her and let her know what I thought of the pics. I did. And I was truthful. Not as blunt as I am here, but I did say that I was disappointed with the shadow in the background, but there are some that will work for my purposes. Because if I don't tell her the truth, how will she know to be cognizant of the shadows in the future? She's really nice, so I don't want to hurt her feelings. She didn't charge nearly as much as all of the other part-time photographers around here seem to charge, so I don't want to be too crabby about it. And I still am considering having her do outdoor family pics in the spring. Shadows will be less of an issues outdoors. On a white background, they're incredibly noticeable.

My first official rant and I managed to make it a double-whammy.

Baby & Family Pics

I'm getting a bit excited. Tonight I'm picking up the disk of pictures we had taken a couple weekends ago. The photographer says that there's some great shots of BB! Hopefully there will be a decent family pic in the bunch as well. I plan to give them out to family as part of their Christmas gifts. I really need to cut back this year, so hopefully they'll like these as a gift.

DH Is going to put BB to bed tonight so I can head into town. I'll probably run a few errands while I'm out, since I will actually have time to myself. This feels weird. I am having a hard time letting go, accepting that BB is starting to grow up and doesn't always need his mommy. But at the same time, I know a bit of time away is good for both of us. And time with alone with Daddy is very good for both of them.

I love my little family.

Six Month Update

We went for BB's six month needles yesterday. He has gained 13 oz since his last appointment two months ago, and has grown a little over an inch in length--he's now 17 lbs 13 oz and 27.6 inches long. I was fully expecting him to weigh in at 20 lbs! He's so heavy!

He barely whimpered when the first needle was given to him. The second needle was in the same leg and he screamed when that one went in. Then the third one was injected into his right leg. The nurse always warns us that this one will sting the most, and of course the screeching started. I'm getting better at not wanting to cry with him. I knew that he would be fine in a few minutes. Once the nurse left, I offered him my breast in case he wanted to nurse to pacify himself (he doesn't take a pacifier) but he only latched on for a few seconds. He preferred to use his two middle fingers on his left hand for pacification. He was completely finished crying by the time we were back in the waiting room, and fell asleep shortly after the car started moving. I'm happy that he doesn't need to have any more immunizations until he is 12 months!

BB made many friends in the waiting room. While we were waiting approx. 60 minutes to get into the office, an elderly lady from Windsor Court came in with her nurse. The elderly lady was very taken with BB. Her nurse ended up sitting next to DH, and BB was on the floor in front of DH in his carrier. The nurse spent most of the 60 minutes talking with BB and trying to get him to smile. Unfortunately he didn't have many smiles... he only napped for 45 minutes during the morning, so he was pooped by the time we arrived at the office! Luckily he wasn't crying, just stone-faced! She let BB play with her pass-card and key that she wore around her neck. (I was a bit disturbed by this since it was probably dirty. She wouldn't let him put it in his mouth, but I don't think she clued into the fact that his hands end up in his mouth too. Finally I produced his set of links that he loves playing with, in an effort to get her to stop letting him play with her card and key. I try to not freak out when people touch him and stuff. I don't want to raise him to be a germ-o-phobe, but seriously, people, please please please think before you touch someone's baby or give it something to play with!) Most of the people in the waiting room were amused by BB's interaction with the nurse. After the appointment while we were putting our coats on in the waiting room, a little girl who was probably about a year old came over to meet BB. It was so sweet. She didn't try to touch him or anything she was just checking him out, and he was giving her his stone-faced stare. Pretty cute.

Yesterday morning after BB had his sweet potatoes his left cheek turned very pink. When we arrived at the very warm doctor's office it started glowing pink. The same cheek turned pink the last time we were at mom & dad's when mom had made a very large fire. So I'm not sure if it was pink yesterday due to the sweet potatoes or the warmth in the office. By bedtime last night his cheek was fine. I fed him bananas today, and it's still okay. I'm going to try sweet potatoes again tomorrow and see what happens. But of course the red cheek was a cause for concern at the doctor's office... they always seem paranoid about everything. At least the doctor didn't try to give us yet another cortisone cream prescription for BB's cradle cap! So unnecessary!

After we returned home from the appointment yesterday, BB was his normal, happy self. Until bedtime. When I tried putting him in his crib he screamed and cried like he was in pain. It wasn't his, "I don't want to go to bed cry." It was definitely a, "I'm hurting!" cry. He was even trembling from head to toe. So I nursed him again, and he fell asleep. Again, when I put him in his crib he screamed and cried. I tried nursing him again to pacify him, but he refused to latch, he could only scream and tremble. I took him to the living room and rocked him until he calmed down. Once he had relaxed, I nursed him again and he instantly fell asleep. I tried again to put him in his crib and the screaming started. I walked around with him and that seemed to help. When I tried to lay down in bed while holding him he started screaming again. I took him back to the living room and rocked him until he was asleep. I held him for a few minutes and then took him to his crib. As soon as I stopped touching him the screaming started. I left him there for a minute to see if he might go back to sleep while I made a 30 second trip to the washroom. When I returned he was still upset. This time I laid him in the centre of our bed and snuggled up next to him. Within about three minutes he was sound asleep, sucking on his fingers. So he spent the night in between DH and me. Neither of us had a great night sleep, as a result; however, I'm not sure how else I would have been able to get BB to sleep last night. I think his legs were bothering him from his immunizations. The one nice thing about having him in bed with me was that when he woke up at 5am to nurse, I didn't have to get up. I just had to get us both positioned properly and we were both able to fall back asleep. Not that I want to co-sleep like this every night! Our bed is too small for that. He slept until almost 9am this morning. It was obviously as hard on him being up late last night as it was on me! When he woke up this morning he was his usual happy self. I remember he had a rough night after his four-month needles as well. I caved that night and gave him some Tempra (baby acetaminophen)--this was before I read the news article about a study that showed giving acetaminophen to infants greatly increased their risk of developing asthma. Last night I was going to avoid giving him drugs at all costs. It was obvious he didn't have a temperature, so the risk really wasn't worth it.

I don't have oodles of respect for my doctor. During my pregnancy, and now with BB, I'm noticing all sorts of things that indicate to me that he's not quite 'on the ball.' However, it was nice hearing him say, "Just keep doing what you're doing." Any sort of positive feedback is always appreciated. :)

I hate I-Cords

I mentioned in a previous post that I am knitting Booga Bags for a couple friends for Christmas. I have one bag finished and have just started the I-cord for the strap. Oh. My. Gawd. I hate making I-cords. It has to be 5-6 feet long. I have knitted about two inches and am ready to gouge my eyes out with my knitting needles.

Ahhhh!

This has been one of the best weekends ever. We woke up with a blanket of snow yesterday, so DH ended up staying home with me and BB. I'm not fond of the snow, but it was so nice to have a family day. My brother and his girlfriend came over to visit with us in the afternoon, and my parents babysat last night while DH and I went to a surprise party for a friend.

It was a big deal for me to leave BB with my parents. They've babysat him before, but this time they had to put him to bed (sans nursing, of course!) But DH had no issues with putting BB to bed last Tuesday night when I went out with the girls, so we thought we'd give it a try. No issues at all! (Or at least none that my parents admitted to me!) He woke up at 23:20 looking to nurse, which was fine with me, especially since we had just gone to bed and I hadn't fallen asleep yet, and then he slept until after 07:00 this morning! It was nice to get out and see so many friends again, and it was great being out with DH too.

We're having another quiet day at home today. It's been wonderful lounging with a coffee and chatting with DH while BB plays. My friend KM called and told me that she is pregnant and due next June. I'm so incredibly excited for her! Right now BB is napping, and I'm making a big batch of sweet potatoes for him. I hope he likes them. Such a wonderful weekend!

At Peace Today

I'm having a great morning. BB woke up before midnight last night looking for a meal (he was so tired he hardly nursed at bedtime before passing out) and then stayed in his crib until 7:30 this morning. It's nice to feel rested.

Things I am feeling grateful to the universe for today...

1. The morning sun shining into our living room, giving BB a beautiful glow as he giggles and bounces in his Jumperoo.
2. Lots of food in our cupboards and fridge. I have a wonderful lunch of leftovers to look forward to. Yum!
3. Living in Canada where we are given a year away from our jobs when our babies arrive so that we can give our children the best start possible. The pay isn't fantastic, but it gives you the opportunity to learn new methods of saving a buck.
   
4. Knitting needles and yarn. It's so nice to once again have a few minutes here and there to feel crafty.
5. My hubby, who is an amazing dad to BB. I didn't expect him to be so good with BB. It's so much fun to listen to their conversations, and to hear BB's crazed giggle when his daddy tickles and bounces him.
   
6. My family. I know they'll be there for me no matter what decisions I may make or situations I may find myself in. It's an wonderful feeling to know that I have such a strong safety net.
   

Life feels complete today.

A Promise to the Earth

I've decided that I'm never buying wrapping paper or gift bags again. Beginning immediately. I can reuse the ones I already have here (most of them have a baby boy theme--that'll be funny at Christmas!) but I'm done supporting the industry. It's great that gift bags can be reused, but most only are used a time or two before they are too tattered to be used again. I'm not sure about other places, but where I live, wrapping paper cannot be recycled, so that too ends up in our local landfill.

If only I could get over my 'need' to do the card thing. I love sending and receiving Christmas and birthday cards. I have a friend who says she no longer does the card thing. I can't bring myself to do that yet. I'm socially awkward and feel like I have a hard time connecting to people, so this is a way to show them that I care and that I'm thinking of them.

I know I have a long way to go before I can consider myself one of those extreme-green people, but every little bit helps. I try my best. This has always been important to me, but now that BB is in my life and in the world, I feel a greater urgency to help protect the earth.

Supper Chaos Update

Okay, maybe it's just because I was very hungry, but the leftovers from last night's supper were bloody delicious. I'm trying to refrain from going back to the fridge for seconds.

Supper Chaos

Whoa! So glad this evening is winding down. BB has been asleep for almost and hour, DH is hanging out in the basement with the dogs, and I just got the kitchen tidied up, and then got BB's food ready for his meals tomorrow. Once that was over with, I crashed where I am sitting right now with a large piece of chocolate angel food cake that N gave to me last night. (Slathered with white chocolate cream cheese icing left over from my mom's birthday cake! hehe!)

DH had to take the Old Girl to the vet at 18:00 tonight to have her incision from her surgery last week checked as she is now done her antibiotics (the vet says all looks well, BTW.) Because DH had to be out of here by 17:50, we decided to make a supper that I could do part of the preparation for whenever I had a chance to during the day. In the October Parents magazine, I found a recipe for this Indian-Spiced Chicken with Relish. We decided that I would make the relish part and DH would take care of the chicken, and a side of veggies and rice when he got home. (I need to dedicate a post sometime to all the wonderful things he does around here!)

I decided to start giving BB two meals a day beginning today, as he is finally eating most of what is being served to him now I say most, because he's wearing quite a bit of it too!) So because BB was due to eat around 16:30, I decided to feed him some avocado while DH was preparing the chicken, etc. That went well, but BB was still hungry, and therefore cranky, so I gave him a sippy cup with some pumped milk to occupy him while we ate our supper. I cut into my chicken and it wasn't cooked all the way, so into the microwave it went. BB is still cranking. Sippy cup hits the floor spout-down and there's a puddle of milk. I clean it up get my chicken out of the microwave and start eating again. DH puts his chicken in the microwave now. Cut off another piece of chicken and it's still not cooked! Back into the microwave. BB's still cranking. The rest of my food is getting cold. Did I mention that BB is still cranking? Both of us are trying to be ready to catch the sippy cup each time it gets tossed off the high chair. Finally DH is close to being done his meal and he takes BB and starts walking around with him so I can finish my meal--my plate is still fully loaded because I've spent so much time cleaning up milk and microwaving chicken! Once I'm done eating, I nurse BB while DH finishes his (cold!) supper. Far too much chaos for my liking at supper time! Normally I would have just nursed BB before we ate our supper, but since we were working with a deadline, I didn't want to take the time.

Anyway, the verdict on the chicken? It was good for a change. We eat a fair amount of chicken, so it's nice to have a different way to prepare it from time to time. I'm not a huge pear fan (in fact, I wasn't even sure how to go about chopping it when I was preparing the relish! I am ashamed to admit that I was surprised at how much the core of the pear reminded me of an apple!) so while I was eating I kept thinking, "I know I'm eating pear." DH says he liked the pear part but found the cranberries too tart. But neither of us said we should throw out the recipe I clipped, so I guess it's a keeper. Hopefully I won't let tonight's chaos overshadow my thoughts on the recipe... that happens sometimes.

Funk

I've been in a bit of a funk since the phone call I received Saturday. Since then, because I'm second guessing everything everything that I once accepted as being rock-steady I've had some super paranoid thoughts. I've even asked DH if he's cheating on me. Ugh. (BTW, the answer was no. But really, who tells the truth about that anyway?)

I haven't wanted to write about all of the negative things going through my head right now. It's too 'hurty' (yes, I like to make up words on occasion) so I decided to give Mr. Blog a face lift (I have no idea why my blog is a he, but it is.) I found a website with some neat backgrounds and I've tweaked the font colours a bit. I'll probably play a bit more, but generally I'm satisfied with the current look. For now.

BB had day five of bananas this morning. Yesterday I managed to get him to eat some by letting him chew on a spoon. When he would open his mouth to chomp down on it, I'd sneak in a spoonful with a second spoon. Some would get pushed out again, but I know a bit was swallowed. Today I used the same method, but this time, he actually took the spoon out of his mouth a couple of times and opened his mouth for me to put the bananas in! And then he would swallow! Success! He even took the spoon from me a couple of times to put the banana in his mouth himself! I was pretty excited! I might give him two meals tomorrow. Try the avocado again in the morning, and give him bananas while we have supper. Oh, and Sunday night I tried a different type of sippy cup (this one doesn't have a valve to prevent leaks) and he did much better with it. He was intentionally putting the spout in his mouth to get milk! He's chewing on it still, instead of sucking, but with this cup, the milk will drip out without sucking. I'm feeling a lot better about his transition to solids now.

I'm going out for dinner with N and S tonight. I'm really excited, because we're going to one of my favourite restaurants. I feel bad though, because it's the last time I'll see S for a few months, as she's going away for work. I'm hoping to feed BB at 18:00, and then have DH give him a bath and put him to bed at 19:00 or 19:30. Part of his bedtime routine is to nurse, but there are several nights where I think he would go to sleep pretty quickly without the nursing. Let's hope tonight is one of those nights! I do have quite a bit of milk pumped off and in the fridge in case DH needs it. If this goes well, perhaps DH and I will have a night out sometime soon.

Things aren't as they seem...

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I have huge issues with drugs. Mainly due to ignorance, but they scare the bejesus out of me. I've never touched them, and can't really picture myself ever trying them now.

Late this afternoon I get a phone call from someone that I love and cherish very much. He told me that he has been using 'soft' drugs for a long time now, but has decided to stop due to an incident he had last weekend. I had no idea this had been going on. I consider myself to be very close to him, so this came as a huge shock to me. I'm afraid I didn't handle it very well. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. And I told him this. I think I've hurt him. We were both in tears on the phone. I quickly loaded BB into his carseat and we headed over to his house so I could see him and make sure everything is okay with us.

He has promised me and other people that are important in his life that he is done with it all. I told him he needs to stop for himself, not for us. I'm worried that if he does start again, he'll be doing it on the sly again, and completely beating himself up over it because he has broken the promise he made to us.

Tonight I feel like I'm second guessing everything that I know to be true in my life.

Solid Woes

The introduction to solids isn't going the way I daydreamed it would. All of my friends who have already done it all seem to say, "Baby LOVED his first solid meal!" I cringe now when I hear things like this. BB doesn't exactly hate it, but he's not a fan.

We started with the avocado, and he wasn't loving it. So after four days of that, yesterday we moved on to bananas. Not really a fan of the bananas either. He hasn't ingested much more than a taste of each though. And once he's tasted it, he clamps his mouth shut so no more of the evil substance can find its way in!

I thought I was making progress yesterday when I put some banana on my finger. He grabbed my finger and attacked it with his mouth the way he always does. So cute! And successful. He ended up with banana in his mouth, made a funny face, then swallowed it. To my surprise, it worked a second time as well! Today I tried it again. He wasn't falling for that trick a second day in a row!

He will take the spoon from me to play with, but by the time he gets it into his mouth, the food has already fallen off of it. So again, that idea isn't really working either.

BB is so interested in us when we eat. I thought he was ready. But I'm starting to think that maybe he simply isn't ready yet. He is six months old today (where is the time going?!) and everything says that at six months they're ready for solids. Perhaps he's the exception to this though. As DH pointed out this morning, BB has been ahead of schedule for several things; perhaps with solids he will just be behind schedule. I'm not sure whether I should wait a week before trying something new and lay off the food for now, or if I should just keep trying every day and hope that one day he suddenly gets it.

Getting it Together, Day 2

Yesterday while I was perusing random blogs, I found a link to a website that helps you get your house organized and clean. They encourage you to take baby steps and have a 31 day plan to get you into the game. Day 1 all you need to do is clean your sink. Let me tell you, my sink has been disgusting as of late. Seriously. Most people have stainless steel type sinks in their kitchens, but the kitchen in my house came with a big white sink, I think it's granite or something? I love my sink with all my heart. But it stains easily. If you put something in it that can rust, the rust stains. Curry stains. Coffee stains. Although it's been wiped out and cleaned on occasion, it hasn't been bleached since long before BB's arrival. So I bleached my sinks last night. That's all I had to do.

I one-upped on Day 1 though. I'm having someone to our house this weekend to do a photo session with BB and then a family session with all three of us. I knew the floors needed to be tackled before a stranger could come into the house. So the day before yesterday I cleaned the hardwood (speaking of which, does anyone have any recommendations for a hardwood cleaner that is not filled with nasty chemicals but will make your floor shine?) and yesterday I mopped the kitchen and bathroom. Again, I don't remember the last time I did these things.

Today is Day 2. The expectation for today is to get dressed. Yep. Get dressed. According to this website, I'm supposed to get up 15 minutes before my family gets up so I can get dressed from head to toe. Clothes, shoes, make-up, the whole nine yards. I don't think this website was written by someone who currently has a six month old. I can't predict from one day to the next when BB is going to wake up. This morning, he decided it was time to begin his day at 04:45. I think I just need to adapt the program to my situation. So during his morning naps, I should get myself cleaned up. This means less time on the Internet. I already feel the withdrawal shakes coming on! There is also a second expectation for today. Clean the sink before going to bed. I don't think I'll bleach it again; although, a second bleaching might get rid of the few little rust stains that are still there. I think I'll just get out the Method and give it a bit of elbow-grease for today.

This website also sends you emails throughout the day with suggestions of other tasks you could complete, often disguised as 'challenges'. There are also motivational emails. I read a copule but didn't feel very motivated. In fact, I felt annoyed. But since I've proven that I'm a hopeless housekeeper, I'm going to give this a try.

A Busy Day

Just a quick note about today!

We started BB with the avocado today. We had a bit of a rough start, because although the avocado was ripe, it wasn't mashing very easily. I tried the food processor but there wasn't enough to really work well, so then I tried the blender--another no-go, and finally DH used the mortal & pestle on it, which totally did the trick. I think BB ate more during the first 30 seconds than he did during the ten minutes that followed! He made some great faces, and his face, hands, and arms were covered in green slime! DH got some great pics! I then tried him with the sippy cup of milk. I think by the time I gave him that, he was a bit over stimulated and had just about had enough! I think I'll try the sippy cup again tomorrow, but maybe not until the afternoon, and of course, we'll try the avocado again in the morning.

My Old Girl had surgery today to remove a cyst (we think) from her back. She came through with flying colours, but is still a bit groggy tonight. We have to keep an eye on her incision, of course, to ensure it doesn't become infected. Hopefully the lump won't return. If it does, the lump that was removed will have to be sent away for analysis to determine whether it was cancerous or not. Keep your fingers crossed for my poor, sweet, old puppy!

The End of an Era

Today marks the last day that BB will be exclusively breastfed. Granted, six months isn't exactly an era; however, since it's his entire lifespan so far, it's still a pretty long time.

I'm feeling a bit sad and nervous, yet excited tonight. We've been so busy during these past few days that I haven't had a chance to relax and enjoy our last few days of exclusive breastfeeding. Exclusive breastfeeding has been wonderful. No worries about food being the right temperature of the proper consistency, or whether he's going to be allergic to something new. But he's almost six months, and DH will be home tomorrow, so I'll have help in case he happens to have a reaction and to get some pics for me!

His first food is going to be avocado. All of the folks of the old-school mindset seem to think I'm crazy, but I've read in several places that since he's still being breastfed, he doesn't need cereal first, and it's perfectly okay to start with avocado, bananas, or sweet potatoes. What matters is that I am confident with my decision, and as I've learned during the past six months, being confident in your parenting decisions is very important.

We visited DH's parents place today for the first time since BB's arrival. The second half of the drive up was pretty awful, but he slept the entire way home. While we were there, my MIL hauled a baby sippy cup out of the cupboard that belonged to DH's cousin's daughter, and told BB that the next time he visits he'll be able to use the sippy cup. I gave it to him to play with, since I'd like to try to start giving him a bit of breast milk in a cup as he refuses a bottle. Smart little guy, but the spout into his mouth! He also chewed on the handles, but spent most of the time with the spout in his mouth. My BIL thought it would be great to put some water in the cup to see if he would drink it. At that point I had to put my foot down, and explain that BB is not permitted to have water. Of course I was questioned why (as if I was crazy) and I explained for what felt like the hundredth time that if he fills up on water, he won't drink as much from me, and in turn my milk supply could be reduced. Also if he's filling up on water, he's missing out on all the wonderful nutrients etc. in my milk. And guess what?! My milk is liquid and it hydrates him, just as well as water would! As usual, they acted like the understood, but I'm sure I'll be explaining it all again the next time we see each other. I think I'll also try him with a bit of milk (breast milk, of course!) in the sippy cup tomorrow and see if he can figure it out. I certainly don't want him to drink it like that all the time; however, it would be nice to know that he'll take it that way in case I'm out some day and can't get home at the exact time BB needs to eat.

Tomorrow BB takes his next step towards growing up. I'm a little sad that my baby boy is taking a step away from babyhood, but I'm so happy to watch my baby growing up healthy and strong.

I Think I've Got It!

I believe I've found a name for this blog that really describes me. Funny, since it was just earlier today that I complained that I couldn't come up with anything! And I didn't even have to steal this from a song! No sirree, inspiration actually struck!

Not that hoping for a happy ever after doesn't describe how I feel, but Fumbling for Perfection really seems to hit the nail on the head. It shows not only my insecurity, but also my constant struggle to do things right, by the book. That constant struggle is always made worse by my incredible laziness. :) I also find that it is forward looking, as it reflects my continuing journey to improve myself and my world.

Not Satisfied

I'm still not happy with the name or the layout of this blog. I'm not in love with any of the blogger layouts. There must be a way to create your own, but I'm not quite that savvy yet. My eyes glaze over when I try to read about how to do that stuff.

As for the name of the blog, I've been feeling like I don't have a creative bone in my body anymore. Hopefully inspiration will strike, and then I'll remember it when I'm sitting in front of the computer!

Perhaps when I grow the creative bone, my writing will also improve. Some days I look at what I've managed to move from my brain to the keyboard, and I think that I've done an adequate job at saying what I intended. Other days I look at what I've composed and it looks like crap. I have a hard time not going back and deleting those posts. I only ever like to show the 'composed' side of myself to the world. It is taking strength not to delete the incoherent ramblings. But leaving them is the only way I can keep the record of what I was feeling at that particular time. If I delete it, the emotion and the thoughts will be gone.

Until inspiration strikes for a name change and a face lift, I'll keep writing. Practice makes perfect, right?

Calling All Blogs...

Please step forward!

I've been trying to find some blogs that I find interesting. I've found a few, but I've read all of their old posts, and new ones don't seem to happen very frequently.

What makes a blog interesting to me? I enjoy blogs about...

• parenting (a year ago, I wouldn't have enjoyed this topic very much)
  
• people who live in the same area as me (I like knowing the area the person is writing about. Plus if someone's going to write about the amazing restaurant they visited on the weekend, I'd rather it be a restaurant that I could try too, rather than it being in some far away place!)
• people I know, or knew, or who are associated with people I know. This might be part nosiness on my part, but I think it also ties in to wanting to read blogs of people who live near by. Plus, I seem to remember practically everyone I've ever met, and I love hearing about their lives, even if they don't remember me or care about me.
  
• hobbies that I'm interested in, such as knitting, pets, photography.
  

I don't enjoy blogs about high-school life, gaming, or people's devotion to Jesus. (No offense to anyone who feels their blog falls into this category.)

I've searched blogger for everyone who has listed that they live in NB. I've looked at several profiles that show interests that appeal to me. It seems that most of these people have started a blog, and haven't posted after their first entry. Or in some cases, they made a good effort for a while, but haven't posted since 2005. So disappointing!

I do have a list of about a dozen blogs that I find interesting, and that seem to be updated on an occasional basis. Several of these I know who the owners are, and when I was reading their old posts I wanted to contact them to let them know that I was feeling for them, or that I've been thinking of them, or that I miss them, but I was worried that it would be creepy. It makes me a bit sad that I don't have the guts to reach out to these people, who are so willingly sharing their lives with the world, to let them know that, "Hey, I care." I've always lived my life fearing rejection, and I guess that's why I'm not brave enough to de-lurk. But that is off-topic I guess.

If anyone happens to be reading this, and you know of any blogs that you think I might enjoy, please drop a line!

Ramblings of the Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend, considering the fact that I didn't get to see DH very much.

Friday night we dressed BB up in his little pumpkin costume (soooo cute on him!) and took him over to N's for his first trick-or-treat experience. Surprisingly, he didn't mind the costume. He was even okay with the little hat; although, we did make fun of him while we were at N's... there were sequins on the pumpkin-stem part of the hat. How could we NOT make fun of him not even being six months old and already wearing sequins?

Saturday BB and I picked up my bro and the three of us went to the market. I love going to the market. I often don't buy much (other than breakfast!) but I still love going just for the experience. DH has started giving money to the people outside the market (I don't like to call them homeless, because I don't know what their situations are, but I think it's safe to assume they don't have much money, so maybe I could just refer to them as the financially-poor people?) and I felt bad that I hadn't dug out a bit of money for them before walking past them. I just wasn't thinking. And I'm not one to stop and go digging through my purse and wallet with them right there. "Hang on, let me have a looksee here... No, you can't have my twenty... ah, here's a loonie for you." Yeesh. They always seem so grateful though. Anyway, BB was a super good boy while we were out. No cranking at all. We picked up samosas for mother & father (they're up to $1 a piece now! And there's not a multiple-samosa discount now either! 1 for $1, 2 for $2, 12 for $12! I think my samosa days are over. K said the same thing. I'm willing to wager there are a few more people here in Freddy who are also saying the same thing. I know food prices are going up, but I feel like they're asking me to bend over and take it up the... woah, calm down, cuddles!) So yeah, we got some samosas for the parents, K got a donair from Richies, and I got a chicken thingy from Lebanese Plus, and then we were off to mother & father's.

When we got to mom & dad's, we ate all of our market goodies, and the I put BB in his costume. Everyone oohed and aahed and we took lots of pictures. Eventually it was time for BB to have a nap. I had asked my parents to put their playpen in one of the bedrooms (rather than in the living room where they normally set it up), so they put in K's old room. Following our new nap time routine, I was actually able to get BB to take a nap! That's definitely a good thing, since he usually won't nap there and then gets crankier and crankier as the day goes on. He only slept for half an hour though, because my cousin, T and her kids M & I arrived to show off their Halloween costumes and to meet BB. We ended up staying at mother & father's longer than we had planned, but it would have been rude to leave while T, M & I were there.

Yesterday for lunch I baked half of my squash that I bought on Friday, and had it with homemade potato wedges and my baby romaine and oregano & feta dressing that I also got on Friday. A pretty tasty lunch! And quite healthy too, which is a good thing because after lunch, N and S came over for coffee and sweets. I made Hello Dolly squares (they've been my addiction lately! At least I make a lower-in-fat version of them!), N brought caramel fondue that we dipped apples into, and then we dipped the caramel covered apples into dark chocolate chunks, coconut, or pecans, and S brought brownies. We ate soooo much sugar. Oh, and we drank two pots of coffee. I felt sooo sick. It was so much fun!! When DH came home from the trial all three of us were sitting at the kitchen table talking at him - he looked so stunned. Then annoyed. Too funny! We had taken a meal out of the freezer to have for supper last night, so we baked it while BB was getting ready for his bath and having his final feeding, and I ate my supper after he went to bed. I totally needed something that wasn't full of sugar or caffeinated!

And now it's Monday and we're back to the grind.

Oh, a couple of funny BB things...

Last week he started this new thing where he looks like he's either chewing at the air or trying to talk without making any noise. His little gums are going right at it! (He does this with his mouth open.) I think he's trying to mimic us talking, since he does it at times when he's not watching us eat.

Last night when I was giving him his bedtime meal he pulled off my breast and laid there sticking his tongue out at me. The paranoid mother in me though it looked like might have been swollen, so I was carefully listening to his breathing, and it sounded okay. Then he starts smiling at me and continuing to stick out his tongue. I should mention that I've been sticking my tongue out at him for months now, because it almost always gets a laugh. I think he was just being silly. This morning, he started doing the same thing! The little tongue comes out and he's looking at me with a big gummy grin on his face. All I could do was laugh at him. I need to not laugh the next time he does it at meal-time though... otherwise, he's going to start thinking that mealtime is actually make-mommy-laugh time. And that would be so frustrating!

And on that note, guess who just woke up from his ultra-quick nap (only 30 minutes?!) Gotta go!

From Point A to Point B

I remember growing up and hearing my dad complain about people who didn't put forth the same effort he did in maintaining his vehicles. "It's just a way for them to get from Point A to Point B. Nothing more." I have to admit, I'm one of those people, and I'm sure it drives my dad insane.

We bought our car brand-spanking new in June of 2004 (even though the dealership calls it a 2005--I still haven't figured that one out!) The day we picked it up to take it home, the owner of the dealership presented us with a car cleaning kit. He probably took one look at our old 'pop can on wheels' and thought, "Wow, they really need this!" I think I washed it once later that same summer. The kit still is sitting in my basement, over four years later.

The summer after we bought the car, we were fostering Horsey for our friends. This was before he was our dog. DH had taken him to training and he was barricaded in the back hatch-part of the car. Horsey got a bit rambunctious and started to nibble on the rubber that went around the hatch window. He ripped a hunk of it off and started working on the material on the ceiling. The piece of rubber still hangs in our back window, three years later. And the chewed up ceiling? Yup, it's still there too, in all its frayed glory. Horsey should have just been GIVEN to us after that incident!

Last weekend my dad washed our car while BB and I were down for a visit. Washed it all up, polished one fender to see if he could buff out a scuff mark (he couldn't) and even wiped the dust off the plastic parts inside and armour-alled them. When we went to the Superstore yesterday, a bird pooped all over the passenger side window. There goes our somewhat-clean car. But it still got us from Point A to Point B.

Check!

Yes! I can actually check one thing off my to-do list from the other day! I got the CT money counted! Granted, it was also the quickest task on the list, but whatever, it's done! $133.05 in total! That will more than cover the tax on the tread mill. Hopefully they have one there that we want. I can't wait for DH to come home so I can share my excitement with him!

Happy Halloween!

It's BB's first Halloween! After much deliberating, I had decided not to bother getting him a costume. The money could be better spent, and he'd probably hate every second of wearing it anyway! However, my mom came to the rescue and got him a cute little pumpkin costume. He'll be wearing it to visit N tonight. Tomorrow we'll visit my parents (mom is working tonight, or else we'd go there tonight as well) so they can see how cute it is on him.

DH is going to be away most of the weekend. He's trialling at a local schutzhund club (not his own) with Horsey. He took the day off from work so that he could give Horsey one more bit of practice this afternoon on the strange field before the trial. So this morning the three of us we went for groceries. I'm so excited. I bought some baby romaine and some Rene's oregano & feta dressing. I also picked up a squash that I cannot wait to cook (I'm going to try baking it, in hopes that it will be nice and dry!) and also a couple sweet potatoes. My two previous sweet potato experiences weren't very good. That stuff is mushy! However, I'm going to try making sweet potato fries in the oven. BB will be eating them very soon... I can't expect him to eat something we won't eat.

The new house that they've been working on next door arrived in two pieces yesterday. It looks like we'll have new neighbours before the snow flies. I'm not impressed with this. I liked being surrounded by trees. Hopefully they're not a-holes. And hopefully they don't have a dog that runs... I don't want ours being provoked. DH and I have gone back and forth on what we want the neighbours to be like. In one way, we would prefer if they were like us and just kept to themselves. In another way, it would be great if they were like us and enjoyed hanging out with a few beer from time-to-time. Either way, we'd like them to be like us. :)

Commitment

My plan for a structured nap for BB is going really well. I have yet to have a failed attempt. I've found that I have to be flexible sometimes. Like yesterday--he was sooooo upset because he lost his arm in the sleeve of his sleeper when he tried to roll over. I readjusted him, put him back down, only to have it happen again... and again! Finally he was so upset that I held him for a few minutes to calm him down, read his story to him again (luckily it was Goodnight Moon - a quickie!) and put him back into his crib where he promptly passed out!

Now that BB is napping in his crib, I don't have to tiptoe around the house quite so much. I can get things accomplished, because I no longer have to worry about disturbing his precious sleep in the swing! So what have I been doing with my newfound time? Sitting on my butt in front of the computer. Where is my motivation? Where is my get-up-and-go? I've always been lazy, but this is ridiculous.

I am going to commit to getting the following things done:

1. Prepare for BB's adventures with solid foods. Because I need to over-organize this, I need a chart or a spreadsheet (oooh! yes! a spreadsheet) done up with what food he can have when.
   
2. Homemade Christmas presents. I have two friends that I'll be giving gifts to this year. Last year I spent quite a bit of money on their gifts. I don't have a lot of spare cash this year. I do have a large yarn stash though. So I'm going to knit them each a Booga Bag for Christmas. It's quite uncomplicated, just a matter of getting it done.
   
3. This one sounds silly... I need to get our Canadian Tire money counted for DH. We might get our treadmill from there, and this would help defray the cost, as we have YEARS worth accumulated.

Nap time seems to be over. The crying has started! I'll start working towards these little goals on Monday.

Article: "Use of Tylenol-type pain relief in babies linked to asthma: study"

I'm feeling really frustrated by this new discovery. I've been trying to make BB's life as natural as possible, in an effort to avoid him having to suffer through the asthma and allergies I battled as a child. He has had baby tylenol twice now. My mom told me I should give him some after his two-month needles. I ignored her because I didn't really want to give him drugs he may not need. But then my doctor's nurse advised me to give him a dose when we got home, so I did. He also got a second dose after his four-month needles, but he spit most of that one out.

He's only five and a half months old. What if those two doses of tylenol do increase his chances of getting asthma? People have thought I'm crazy for the precautions I've been taking for a healthy baby. But I know what I went through as a kid and I don't want him to have to go through the same thing.

I haven't had much faith in my doctor or his staff since I became pregnant. There were a lot of mistakes on their part while I was pregnant, so I'm very careful to do research on my own before following their advice. However, I didn't look into this one... perhaps I wouldn't have found anything if I had looked at the time anyway. If he does end up with breathing problems, I know I'll never forgive myself.

Still the funnest game ever

Peek-a-boo!

My evil plan is working

When BB was little (that sounds funny, since he's only 5.5 months old! By little, I mean a newborn) he wouldn't nap for very long and definitely not in his bassinet. Momma needed sleep! Then around one month old he started to warm up to the swing. The back & forth motion kept him from crying (hurray!) and sometimes he'd even fall asleep! Before he started sleeping through the night, our morning routine was to get up and have his feeding, play for a short while, and then into his swing for a looong morning nap. At that point, I'd crash my tired butt onto the couch and nap as well. Sometimes he'd need me to wind the swing up for him; he'd cry out when the swing started to slow down, I'd stumble over and crank my little heart out, and then we'd both fall asleep again. 

Probably as a result of my over-reliance on the swing, ALL of baby BB's naps started taking place in the swing... unless he happened to fall asleep during a nursing session, in which case he would nap on my chest (no complaints from me on that one... it gives me a chance to drift and get some snuggles from my otherwise wiggly baby!) or I'd carefully move him over to his crib (and most times he'd wake up as soon as my hands were off of him!)

At BB's last appointment with the doctor for his four month needles, he weighed in at 17 lbs. Our swing was second hand (my cousin, T, gave it to us, and she got it from a yard sale or something) so of course it didn't come with a manual. I have no idea what the maximum weight is for the swing. For all I know it could be only 20 lbs, and BB is just about there! I do know that it's not swinging as fast these days, and needs to be cranked more frequently - I'm guessing this is due to his weight. So although it's been nice to have an easy way to get him to sleep, I've been feeling like the swing is more of an annoyance now than a help. Besides, he can't be a baby forever, he needs to learn to sleep in his bed the way the rest of the world does!

Here comes the plan part!

I decided that for his naps we would no longer rely on the swing. At nap time he gets a clean diaper, a story, a hug & kiss, and then it's into the crib. My plan was to start yesterday.

However, yesterday was a weird day. He woke up at 5:30 and after nursing, he passed out in my arms. So I held him until 7:44, then laid him down next to me in bed and napped next to him. (Ahhh, it was so nice to get that extra sleep and the cuddles!) As a result of this, I missed my opportunity to try out my plan in the morning. So I gave it a try about 45 minutes before he was due for his next feed. When I put him in his crib he cried and screamed for an unacceptable amount of time, so I held him for a few minutes and he actually fell asleep in my arms (that doesn't often happen without a feeding!) I transferred him to his crib, and he slept for about 30 minutes. I fed him when he woke up, and he promptly fell asleep again after his meal and slept cuddled up on me for an hour. He probably would have slept longer, but I had tried to move him to his crib and he was NOT happy about that! Two cuddle naps in one day... it's been a long time since that's happened!

So, yesterday didn't quite work out. Today is a new day! He woke up at almost 6:00 this morning. He had his breakfast and played. At 8:00, I changed his diaper, read him a story in the bedroom, gave him a hug and kiss, and put him in his crib. I then turned on the baby monitor and walked out at 8:16. He cried for three minutes. And then promptly fell asleep, and has been asleep for an hour and 15 minutes now. Score one for mommy! This may not be so hard after all!

Maybe I was the one with the addiction to the swing?

Baby Fat

I stepped on the scales the other day and discovered that I'm down to 136 lbs. I was 130 lbs when I got pregnant, so I only have six lbs to go!

I really haven't been doing anything to lose the weight. I had started running again in the summer, but found it too difficult to squeeze in a run and a shower between supper and BB's bedtime (and BB would usually need to feed somewhere in there too!) I gained 60 lbs while I was pregnant. The bulk of the weight I've lost has been due entirely to breastfeeding. I'm sure I'll be sharing my thoughts on that topic sometime on here.

I've been eating a lot of bread this week. My mom has been making the most fabulous brown bread lately, so I've been eating a lot of the most fabulous brown bread. So yummy. But I can see places where I had started to hollow out puffing back out already. Definitely need to cut back on the bread! I'm not really worrying about it though. Just something I am trying to be aware of.

Before getting pregnant, I lost approx. 25 lbs. This was before I started running. Work was so incredibly busy and stressful in the fall of 2006 that I ended up cutting back on the amount of food I was eating. A lot. Not to the point of having an eating disorder or anything (or at least I didn't feel like there was a problem, since I was still eating, just not as much.) However, because I didn't have time to graze all day at work (the way I had for the past several years), I was often hungry. That hunger made me feel powerful. I felt like I had control over my body, and that somehow transferred to feeling like I had power over the very stressful situation I was in. Once things calmed down at work my eating habits went back to normal; however, my portion sizes were smaller. I managed to keep that up until I got pregnant at the beginning of August 2007. Then I started eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I mostly aimed for healthy foods of course, but I certainly had my fair share of treats too!

DH and I are planning on buying a treadmill for Christmas. My stipulation is that it has to be a decent one. If it feels like it's going to fall apart while I'm running on it, there's no point in spending the money because I won't use it. I'm really looking forward to getting it. I don't feel like I get as good of a work out on a treadmill, but it's better than the workout I'm getting now.

Feeling sad

A year ago in November, DH's cousin passed away. She had celiac disease and was in the hospital for some tests and suffered from a heart attack. She was only 32 and had a daughter who was not quite two years old. At the time I had just entered my second trimester with BB. I spent most of my pregnancy being on the fence as to whether or not I wanted to have a baby. (I sometimes thought that my primary reason for having a baby was that DH finally gave in on the baby argument. Maybe I'll write more about all that another time.) When she passed away, I felt so terrible, both for his cousin, C, and for her baby daughter, D. I felt terrible in a way that I couldn't have felt prior to becoming pregnant. I think it was the first time I actually had true maternal feelings towards the being growing inside of me. I thought of C not getting to watch her daughter grow up. I thought of D growing up without her mother. My heart broke for both of them.

My MIL was quite close with C. I've always had the feeling that she felt like C was the daughter she never had. D's dad has to travel quite frequently for work, so she stays with her grandmother (DH's aunt) a lot, and as a result visits my in-laws with her grandmother fairly often. Today my in-laws came to visit, and my MIL was telling me about her most recent visit with D, and how smart she is, and how she was recently staying with her father, but wasn't doing well at the daycare he had her at because she didn't know anyone and was worried about being abandoned. (I would be too if I wasn't quite three years old and my mom just died last year!) So he took her back to his MILs to stay again. When she first returned to her grandmother's, she was having lots of nightmares and didn't even like going to sleep on her own. As my MIL was telling me all this today, the same feelings that I experienced last fall while I was pregnant came flooding back to me, but a hundred times stronger. I tried to not think about what she was saying at the time, because I didn't want to cry. But after they left, I was telling DH how I find it so upsetting when his mom talks about D and almost lost it.

I might have spent my pregnancy not being certain that I wanted a baby, but all that changed the day he was born. I feel like I was so naive before and while I was pregnant. I had no idea the love I was capable of feeling. When I think of something happening to prevent me from watching BB grow up, it breaks my heart. Part of my reasoning for not wanting to go back to work is that I know I can raise him better than a babysitter can. What would happen if something happened to me and I wasn't a part of his upbringing at all? I know he would be well cared for and loved to pieces, but it's not the same... a mother's love is so different from everyone else's. I never truly realized that until he arrived.

I keep wondering if in the few moments before C passed away if she knew what was about to happen. I think of how awful those last few moments would have been, knowing that she would never get to hold her baby girl again, or tell her how much she loved her, or how beautiful she is.

Almost a year later and my heart is breaking all over again for them.

Peek-a-boo & toes in the mouth

We've had a couple milestones the last couple of days!

Yesterday, mom was babysitting BB for me while I went to a work function for a couple of hours. When I returned home, the three of us were playing on the floor. Mom started playing peek-a-boo with BB, and he was cracking up like it was sooo funny! DH and I have both played this with him several times and he would just stare at us like we were from another planet. But yesterday while I was away, something clicked in his head. Perhaps it has something to do with mom playing it with him, afterall, his first smile was for her too.

Over the past week or so, BB has been reaching for his feet some during diaper changes and naked time. The last couple of days, he's been pulling them towards his mouth without any luck. Today he finally managed to get a few toes in there, and looked quite pleased with himself. He's definitely had a productive day!

Italian White Bean Dip

Found this recipe on the Today's Parent website and tried it last night with some nacho chips and whole wheat pita (while watching the middle of the second Harry Potter movie. Movies are watched in stages these days.) Super easy and quite tasty (and full of fibery goodness!) I'm trying to be more friendly with the beans these days, and this is a great way to do it. Here is my version of the recipe (you know I had to tweak it a bit!) The link to the original recipe is at the bottom.

Italian White Bean Dip

19oz (540 mL) can white kidney beans, drained and rinsed

1 tbsp lemon juice

2 cloves garlic

1 tbsp olive oil

½ tsp dried oregano, crumbled

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp black pepper

Toss it all into the food processer and blend until smooth.

http://recipes.todaysparent.com/tprecipe/tp/article.jsp?recipeId=5415

Potatoes and eggs (Breakfast Casserole)

Really, how can you go wrong with that combination? When I came home from the hospital with BB, N had decorated our place with balloons and a welcome home sign, and left a casserole in our fridge for us. It was a potato, egg, cheese thingy and it was sooo delicious. Ever since then, we've said that we should try making one of our own and I have finally attempted it today. I worked on preparing it during BB's nap this morning (he's still napping now) and will bake it for supper. Hopefully it turns out. I didn't use a recipe, I just put stuff together. For future reference in case this turns out, here's what I did.

• Peel & cube (approx 1cm) 8 potatoes. Steam these for 20 minutes.
• Chop a bowl of ham and two onions. Fry these together.
• Finely cube a whack of cheddar cheese.
• Whisk together 6 eggs and 250 mL milk.
  
• Spray the casserole dish with canola oil.
• Put 3/4 of the potatoes on the bottom.
• Put the ham and onions in next.
• Layer the cheese on top of the ham and onions.
• Put the remaining potatoes on top.
• Pour the egg and milk mixture over the entire thing.
  

I was planning on adding a red pepper to this, but both of them have gone weird. I'm going to bake it for an hour. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Update:
I baked this at 350 with the lid on for 30 minutes, and then at 400 with the lid off for another 30 minutes, and it was actually cooked. Next time, I would cook at 400 the entire time with the lid off. Also, I remembered later in the day that I had meant to add mushrooms in with the onions and ham in the frying pan! Will need to remember this next time. We were able to eat shortly after DH got home from work, which was wonderful! The supper dishes were done before we ate supper, and there was no waiting around for supper to be prepared!

I love...

My beautiful baby boy

• The smell of his sweet breath.
• The fact that his poo doesn't smell bad.
  
• His sweet gummy smile.
• His laugh when you do something that he finds hilarious. "HAA!"
• The middle two fingers on his left hand.
• The rolls of chub at the tops of his legs.
• His hair that stands on end.
• Those cute, chubby, rosy cheeks.
• His gorgeous dark eyes.
• The way he smiles at me when I go to his crib in the morning.
• The way every toy he grabs goes directly into his mouth for a closer inspection.
• Snuggles after a feeding.
  

This is by no means all inclusive. *happy smiles*

Snuggles

I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately to prove that if I stay home with BB that it would lighten DH's workload around the house. DH hasn't suggested or even hinted at this, but I guess since I'm not feeling a lot of support from him in regards to not returning to work next May, I feel that I need to prove to him how fantastic it would be to have me at home on a permanent basis.

However, I'm finding it hard to get anything done around here during the day. BB is only going to be a baby who needs his mommy for so long... people keep telling me how their kids are past wanting to cuddle with their mommies - all they want to do is run and play. I want to take advantage of BB's willingness to snuggle and play with me.

After BB feeds now, we usually have a snuggle. He's happy and will snuggle into my shoulder for a few minutes after. Gradually he becomes a bit more lively, but he'll still cuddle with me while he plays with the pillow behind my back, or plays with my face, etc. Then I'll prop him up on my tummy and use my legs to support his back and we'll sing little songs and talk together. I'll often use this time to read him a story too. I love this time with him. He's become so interactive.

Yesterday morning, I knew that I shouldn't linger with him after his feeding because my friend was coming to visit later in the day. The house needed to be tidied. I made a choice to forget about the house and enjoy my time with BB. I reminded myself that she probably wasn't coming to see the house anyway, and I snuggled in bed with BB for an hour! And really, in the big scheme of things, I'd rather have the quality time with BB and let people think I have a messy/dirty house. My time with him is too precious to squander.

Little Drummer Boy

For the past few weeks, BB has been using his right hand to beat on things. Over and over again. It seemed to begin when I would change his diaper or let him have 'naked time' before his bath. He'd lay there on the floor, beating his right thigh and genitals with his right hand. Whack. Whack. Whack.

More recently, in addition to these beatings, he's started beating on me. When he's done nursing on my right side (and he's laying on his left side, which leaves his right hand completely free) he'll lay there and give my right breast a few good wallops, and even more frequently, beat his hand against my chin. All I can do is laugh. Hopefully I'm not encouraging him to be a wife beater when he grows up!

Yesterday he added another dimension to his little game. While he was laying on his tummy on the floor, he started beating the floor (or the blanket, or his play mat, depending what he happened to be laying on at the time) with his right hand. So he's laying there, with his cute little fluffy bum in the air, his head raised up so he can view the world, beating on the floor with his right hand. Never the left. Always the right. Whack. Whack. Whack.

DH and I both also noticed yesterday that he's now trying to get to his toys when they're out of reach (when he's laying on his tummy.) He's had some success with wiggling towards them, when he doesn't get frustrated and just lay there screaming for the toy to come to him!

I wanna rite like yoo.

Okay, so maybe I'm not quite that bad. But...

I've been reading blogs of friends and acquaintances recently. Some of them write so nicely. Their thoughts are clear and concise. Their words are eloquent.

When I write I feel like I'm vomiting all over the computer screen. Here are my thoughts, allow me to spew them all over you.

The Blue Monster

I'm having 'one of those days.' Completely without reason. It didn't even start out as one of those days. It kind of crept up on me.

I've been trying really hard to be positive lately. Really hard. For anyone who really really knows me, you would understand that it doesn't come easy. It's so easy to see the downside to everything, to point out the flaws, and to feel sorry for yourself. But I have everything I've ever wanted. DH, BB, the puppies, the kitty, a loving family, a great house, lots of food, etc. etc. And to make it all so much better, I even have a year away from work. I have no reason to complain.

I don't think I'm really complaining though. It's just that the Blue Monster snuck up on me today when I wasn't looking. So what's bringing me down you ask? Here we go...

- It looks like the forest next to us will soon have a house. It makes me nervous. Who is going to be living next door to us? Are they going to complain when our dogs bark? Are they going to have a dog that runs loose, tantalizing our dogs to escape from the compound? Are they going to be complete dicks? I always expect the worst when it comes to neighbours.
- DH isn't going to be around this weekend. He's training with his club on Saturday, and another local club on Sunday. I know I agreed to this last month. Well, I agreed that it would be a good idea for him to train with the other club before he trials there at the end of the month. But I guess I didn't account for the fact that he'd still be training with his club on Saturday, leaving me without a day of relief from him this week. Wow, just typing about this has me on the verge of tears. I really have no problem being home with BB all week. I love it. I love every second of it. But by Friday, I am looking forward to having DH around too.
- I thought a while ago that it would be nice to make some squares and realized that my square pan is actually in the deep freeze. Boo. Not a major thing, but one more issue piled on top of the others.
- I'm worrying already about having to go back to work. On days like this the worry intensifies. The daycare that I have BB's name on the wait list for sounds sketchy. I don't want him to go there. Yet, I worry about taking him to someone's house as well. I really don't want him watching TV all day at someone's house. I can't help but feel that no one can raise my son as well as I can. I hate that our finances can dictate whether or not I get to stay home with him. And I'm feeling like I'm not getting a lot of support on the issue either. He's five months old now. That means I have to go back to work in seven months. And they need to know within the next six months if I'm not returning. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

I'm going to go watch BB sleep now and be grateful for our time together. And maybe cry a bit.

Alarm clocks & yummy suppers

The two things on my mind today...

DH slept on the couch last night. No, we didn't have a fight! (Like either of us would give up the comfort of our bed over a fight!) BB had an odd afternoon yesterday... he woke up from his afternoon nap screaming. Lots of inconsolable screaming. It seemed to end once he had a poop though (his fourth of the day!) When DH came home from work, I headed into town to pick up N's birthday gift. While I was gone he did it to DH as well. However, he pooped before crying this time. So it obviously wasn't that he had to poop again. Finally, DH put him in his crib so he could go use the bathroom, and BB fell asleep. Tired maybe? Anyway, after so much weirdness I totally expected BB to have a rough night. So DH decided to sleep on the couch. Totally unnecessary. He slept until almost 7am. Lately, DH's alarm has been waking BB up around 6am. I feel soooo good today, getting that extra sleep. I like having DH with us, but I really hate his alarm!

We had a delicious supper last night. It was a recipe that I found on the Today's Parent website. They have some really fantastic recipes there! This one was for Salmon, Broccoli, and Potato Gratin. I love potato. I love salmon. I like broccoli. I looooved the sauce. I wished my serving was bigger. I wanted to eat my portion that was saved for today's lunch as a bedtime snack last night. (For the record, I didn't snack.) For anyone interested, here's the link to the recipe! http://recipes.todaysparent.com/tprecipe/tp/article.jsp?recipeId=5882 Try it, you'll love it!

The window to your soul

I've become quite obsessed lately wondering what colour BB's eyes are going to be. I've read that a baby's eyes don't turn their final colour until around six months old. He's five months today. (What a wonderful five months it's been!) When he was born they were a very very dark blue, almost bordering on a charcoal colour. So beautiful. Now they sometimes look brown with dark blue around the outside, other times they look like they have a greenish hue. I'm excited to see what colour they will be in the end, but I don't want to wish away my next month with him in my excitement. So I just need to be patient and enjoy the wait.

Growing up, I always thought that I had brown eyes. Then towards the end of high school I decided that they were actually hazel. I often find that the colour changes depending on what I am wearing. Some days they look more brown, other days they look more green. In my recent obsession with eye colour, the other night I hauled a mirror out of my drawer in the bathroom and took a look mine again. They are actually brown around the pupil, and green around the outside. There is definitely more green there than brown. Now when I look at myself in the mirror all I see are green eyes staring back at me! DH's eyes are green, but a lighter green than mine. I wouldn't be surprised if BB has green eyes too. No matter what colour they are, he'll still be my beautiful baby boy.

How's a baby to sleep?

DH's alarm clock went off around 6am. Just like every other work morning. BB sometimes stirs, but quite often will fall back asleep. This morning I wasn't so lucky. The stirrings became more and more frequent, and more and more angry. I stumble out of bed to use the bathroom before getting the little man up for his diaper change and his good-morning feeding. When I stumble back into the bedroom and turn on the lamp, I discover BB on his belly (not surprising) with his left arm bent in the left arm of his sleeper, with his hand stuck somewhere in the mess. The arm of his sleeper was soaked. How's a baby to soothe himself back to sleep if he can't get to his two fingers?

Goals & Objectives

For whatever reason, I feel that I need to start this blog by stating my goals and objectives. Perhaps this goes back to my school days where you review this at the beginning of each course. Perhaps it's me just needing a purpose for everything. Maybe I just feel this needs an introduction of some sort before launching into whatever I feel like talking about. This won't be nearly as organized as the goals and objectives listing that we used to receive in school though!

I have an admission to make - this isn't the only blog. However, the 'other' blog isn't meant for everyone's eyes. It's where I seem to hide the negativity. (For those of you that know me, you know that I don't usually hide the negativity! That means that the 'other' blog must be very bad!) Although I'm sure that the negativity will also enter this blog, I'd prefer to not dwell on it all the time here. I'd prefer to keep this one for notes about my family, friends, things I find interesting, random thoughts and opinions, etc. And the other one will be saved for the more personal stuff that I still need to get off my chest, but don't necessarily want shared with everyone. I have to admit, as honest as I intend to be in this blog, I'm sure I will very much be displaying my 'public face'.

I'm not setting any requirements of myself for this... If I only write twice a year, so be it. Life is stressful enough without adding more to the never ending to-do list!

I also need to mention, that my opinions stated in this blog are my opinions. I'm not looking for war. If you don't like it, please go read someone else's blog and ignore mine. Be a grown-up and walk away. I'm not asking anyone to read this stuff.

I was trying to find something meaningful to use as the name for this blog, which I found difficult. The 'other' blog is named after a line from BNL song that I particularly like. But I couldn't think of any meaningful lines from a BNL song that also gave me a positive feeling. Not that I think their songs are negative, but the ones I identify with the most are ones about not so positive things or feelings of inadequacy. Because I'm not ordinarily very creative with the words, I started thinking about other songs that have been in my head since BB joined our family in May. The Dixie Chicks have a song called "I Hope" that has really stuck with me. It does have religious references that I don't quite identify with but I do completely identify with the overall sentiment of the song, and feel it to be quite uplifting. So for now, the website address is http://hopeformorehappyeverafter.blogspot.com and I'm naming this Happily Ever After. Yes, I spent an entire evening after BB went to bed trying to come up with just the right name. I'm like that. Perhaps the name will change in time. Maybe I'll come up with something original.

I'm going to end with the lyrics to the song. This is what I hope for BB's life.

"I Hope"
Sunday morning, I heard the preacher say
Thou shall not kill
I don't wanna hear nothing else about killing
And that it's God's will

'Cause our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

Oh, Rosie, her man he gets too rough
That's all she can say, is he's a good man
He don't mean no harm
He was just brought up that way

But our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
It's okay for us to disagree
We can work it out lovingly

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, you'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, you'll have more happy ever after
I hope, you can all live more fearlessly
And you can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

There must be a way to change what's going on
No I don't have all the answers

I hope, for more love, more joy and laughter
I hope, we'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

I hope, I hope, I hope

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dixiechicks/ihope.html

Indecision

I keep wavering on my thoughts regarding this blog. Part of me wants it to be available to the whole world. For some reason the exhibitionist in me likes the idea of some random person getting to see my innermost thoughts, but I hate the idea of having family and friends reading this, since I want to be honest without sugar coating my feelings. I also detest trying to not use names, etc.

I think I've come up with a solution that will work for me. I'm going to create a second blog for the stuff that I'm okay with sharing with the world, and continue to use this one for things that I just don't want to share with those I'm close, or semi-close with. I just selected to not have this blog show up in my profile... hopefully that will work. *crossing fingers*

A Bit Sensitive Perhaps?

I've been feeling a bit annoyed lately. I've noticed some people have removed me as a friend from their Facebook. I should be glad, if they don't like me or want me in their life, I'm not wasting my time caring about them. But instead I feel hurt. What did I do to these people? Do they not like me? Have I said or done something to offend them? They obviously liked me enough to add me in the first place. I admit that I have removed a few people recently, but they were people that were only "pity-adds". Was I a pity add to these people? Every time I discover another person who has removed me, I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Some of these people were people I genuinely liked, and I've discovered that they've deleted me because I was looking them up and they were no longer listed as a friend.

Maybe I should be more choosy as to who I allow access to my profile? Delete a bunch of the people I've allowed as a friend. But I can't do it. What if their feelings are hurt the way mine have been? What if they had added me because they have some sort of a special memory of me, and I don't realize it?

Why do I care so much what other people think? I have everything I could possibly want. A wonderful husband, a beautiful baby, awesome pets, an amazing house, and a wonderful family. But yet I still look to others for acceptance.